NEED SOME RAPID ADVICE NOW domestic abuse situation

[milkmonster]

Im spinning this off quick as he's in the shed for half an hour scuse spelling etc. Together 5 years have 6month old baby has been pysical emotional and mental abuse for last 4 years has got worse since baby though he not violent physically anymre since she born. today feels like last straw for me trip to see my family planned, its my birthday today, my sister has taken time off work specially to see, it s half term so babys cousins can visit her, family lives 300 miles away, my boyfriend has pulled out of the trip he does this many many times in the past uses it to blackmail me into being 'good'i know this all sounds cliched but its real, i rent this house, he is not on the tenacny, he is not supposed o be living here due to tenancy conditions, because of whats happened today i feel like calling the landlady round and asking her to have him move out, but he says hell start smashing the house up cos im the tenant ill be responsible for the damage he says, he will do it, he has alrady damamged the house and contents previously.

he does have places to go, hoe owns his own house though hecant live in it hes a hoarder, but he has freinds to go to.

is there any wya i can avoid him smashing the house, nce the landlady leaves after telling him to go hell just come back half hour later, i really want to avoid involving police as it will make it worse for me, he has even said before he';d kidnap the baby if id did naything like this.

what does anyone think?

Milkmonster

A trashed kitchen
Food. Broken glass

one small white baby sock size 3-6 months

I never thought he would go that far.

have to agree with the poster who said contacting your landlady is a delaying tactic. At the end of the day, I don't think you need her permission to report your situation to the police and other support agencies.

His threats to kidnap your baby are another way of trying to keep you under his thumb. When you talk to the police, let them know about this threat and your concerns, and they will be able to do things to allay your fears.

Take care. You get one life, don't live it in fear and regret. All these bad times will pass, it will be possible to rebuild your life and find happiness in the future.

I'm a landlady and tbh I wouldn't want to be involved in this. I wouldn't confront a violent man on behalf of a tenant. You may look like a problem tenant which could make things worse for you in the future. I would call the police and get him removed, then change the locks, then tell the landlord and say that you had to get the locks changed and you have new keys for them.

The only thing worse than not dealing with this tonight is having to live another day with him before you do it.

Have you are anyone else reported him for violence in the past? He is not going to get custody if he is violent. And being a horder is a mental problem so you can use that against him if he wants to go down that route. He can't just accuse you of being mentally unstable without evidence and be believed. No one will remove a bf child from a mother unless there is evidence (not hearsay) of harm. If he has threatened to kidnap the baby then he will only be allowed supervised access if he is allowed access at all.

Good luck. Call police now and see what they can do. The situation will not improve unless you are pro active.

god ive just read the thread and I agree with everyone -do it, do it now, dont wait for him to find out what you're are planning. Call the police/womens aid whatever - that' what they are there for. DO IT.

'i didnt realise the police can actually remove someone from your home unless they have committed some kind of crime first'

He has commited a crime, he has been abusing you for 5 years. I think that you have trivialised this in your head because it has become your way of life but it is a crime and the police will treat it as such.

women's aid

In case you are worried about him checking the computer, the number is 0808 2000 247. Its 24h.

I would also not call or write to the landlady she will think you are a problem tenant & will not get involved as it is not up to her to get involved at this stage.

I would call the police, tell them the situation, let them know what has been going on over the years, let them know the threast he has made, make them know you are scared of what he could do, if violence has been involved tell them also tell them about he has suggested he would kidnap the baby etc, maybe you could get an injuction on him so he is not allowed within so far of your house if he does come within that distance he will be arrested, you will have to call the police straight away if this happens.

I am so sorry you feel trapped like this, it must be awful, do you have anyone who could stay with you while this all happens?

By the way Happy birthday, i am sorry it is not as nice as it probably should be for you

I've been thinking about you all day - please follow the advice you've been given and don't make any excuses for him - lots of people suffer from depression and they don't treat others as he's treated you. Nothing excuses him. Call the police, or call Womens Aid.

You do not need to cause a scene in order for the police to remove him. he has no legal right to be there and you want him to leave. they will remove him for you.

YOU NEED TO GET THE BALL ROLLING>

do not worry about calling womens aid as their number will not show up on your bill and their website will nto show up on a search history.

please contact them if you are not totally trusting of what i am saying but i have been there hun, so i know the routine.

as soon as you can, get him out. in act now that he is out of the house lock all teh windows and doors. do not allow him back in again.
hopefully he will sleep elsewhere tonight and you can arrange the non mol tomorrow morning.

I am begging you to get the police involved now. I have been there, if I had got the police involved straightaway i would have saved myself a lot on heartache, fear and abuse.

Call the police there are new laws to protect women like you. Please please please do it now. I only got the police involved in my case when it was too late and all I wanted them to know was when they found my body they would know who did it. Ok that might sound melodramatic but trust your instinct. If you really fear him, trust yourself. I am safe now, but you know what the bstard who caused me grief is in prison for murder so there you go my instinct was right. By some luck it wasn't me but some other poor woman who fell into his trap. I hate writing this but its true and seeing it in print bangs it home how lucky I am. OK so your partner may not be as bad as that, all I am saying is trust your instinct* you have to for yourself and your baby.

Please let us know how you are.

PS the post about not having a baby with an abusive partner was unhelpful in the extreme. By that sentiment they have made you feel you might be in some way to blame for your situation. My mother made me feel that. I didn't choose to be where I was, he chose me. I didn't have the confidence, strength, self belief to get out. I could easily have had a child with him. This is not your fault, you have a beautiful baby please please take care of yourselves.

PPS sorry if I've rambled I feel so strongly about women in these situations, and the wine has stopped my inhibitions - I still find it hard to talk about, but if I can help someone its worth it.

How are you this morning milkmonster?

milkmonster - call Women's Aid and get their advice before contacting your landlady. You could also call your local police station (don't dial 999, look up number in book) and ask if they have a domestic abuse unit or officer.

You may also want to get advice from CAB.

It is important that you act and act very soon - but it is also imnportant that you act effectively and not in a way that will leave you even more vulnerable - noty only from bf, but from Landlady who may want to evict you, etc. Don't make a half-arsed ill prepared 'gesture' at leaving, to show to him that you have had enough, or to 'prove' to MN that you have 'tried' 'but it didn't work'. Get solid experienced advice and support and make a definite, controlled, permanent move to get this man out of your life.

Good luck,

Thinking of you, and wishing you well.

I hope he hasn't trashed her computer again.

Im still here, my family know exactly what's been going on now as we were meant to be staying with them for a week but my partner poulled out of the trip at the last minute, deliberately, even knowing how many people he was letting down by doing so.

Today was fine, as usual he acts like nothings wrong, I dont want to appear blameless in this, i DO believe women can be partly to blame, because every morning i get up and hate seeing him in my house, knowing i have to walk on eggshells all day, and i start having a go at him and it annoys him (remember from the minute i get up he is throwing swearwords, criticisms, etc at me today's was how I'm 'ill' and a 'psychiatrist would condemn you in 5 seconds'), today he picked up the firescreen (heavy antique wooden thing)and threatened me with it)before jumping on me on the armchair and making a half-hearted strangle this sounds ridiculous doesnt it like a cartoon. What I did was run upstairs to be with my baby, using her as a shield (not literally) because he doesnt touch me when im near her, how wrong is that? It wasnt intentional, but its reaching this stage, which i show i know things are finally ending.

i walked past the police station today and almost went in, believe me that's a big step for me.

sweetheart, please go into the police station. Call womens refuge. Do everything the posters have said. You need to get out. My friend suffered this way and unfortunately her baby got in the way and was brain damaged from a blow to the head intended for my friend. This is serious. I hope you find the courage soon. The first step will be the hardest, but after that you will believe nothing he says. All the threats are signs of a weak man who is struggling for control.

Milkmonster {{{higs}}} first, I don't really have any advice - but it sounds to me that you know what you should do - it just take a little bit of courage to start the ball rolling and although scary that thought may be when you are ready you will do it - think about yourself and your baby - if he can be so nasty to you using the baby like this what will your baby see when she grows up - do what you feel is right - you will never be alone - we are all here for you - no matter what your decision is. Good luck and keep in contact

Do not contact your landlady. You have said that your partner should not be there due to tenancy conditions, so you are already in breach of your tenancy. If your landlady decides that you are a problem tenant, she can use this to terminate your tenancy and get you to leave. Is this what you want?

Go to the police. Go to CAB for further advice. But don't involve your landlady. You may regret it.

Lots of women reading your posts have been in similar situations (self included). If we are urging you to get out, it is only because we know that it is the hardest thing in the world to leave a long-term relationship - let alone one where your partner has been whittling away at your confidence and your sense of what is "normal" and "right" in a relationship.

His behaviour is not normal or right, honestly.

You get one life MM. Don't look back on in it 20 yrs time and be kicking yourself for not leaving sooner.

The decision to leave or break up with an abusive partner is probably the hardest part of the whole process of rebuilding your life.

You are probably staying for a range of reasons - fear of the unknown, fear of being "on your own" or too old to "start again", guilt at "depriving" your baby of her dad, fear of any reprisals your partner has threatened, hope that things will get better (they won't), even some misguided loyalty and love for this man.

Believe me, most of this guilt and fear is unfounded. Life can be challenging on your own, but you will also rediscover your sense of self and fun, and you will wonder why you put up with such ridiculous and cruel behaviour for so long.

Lots of good wishes to you, and others in the same boat. You are not alone in spirit.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

sweetie - i want you to look at this from a different angle - when you think about this relationship, put aside the DV for a moment and look at it this way,

do you like this man?
do you respect this man?
do you enjoy a loving and caring sex life?
do you laugh together?
do you share any interests?
do you enjoy just spending quiet time with him?
does he treat you as an equal?
does he cherish you?
does he want to protect you and dd?

i'v got a feeling that the answer to all the above is NO so, ask yourself this, DO YOU WANT TO SPEND TO REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH THIS MAN? AND TO TOP IT ALL HE SCARES YOU!!!

please get out of this destructive relationship, you and dd deserve better!

take it from one who has 'been there and done that'
leaving was the hardest, most daunting thing i ever did, 15 years on, my dd has a wonderful stepdad who loves her like his own, i have a proper 'loving marriage' and life is good, give yourself the same chance PLEASE!!!!!!