NEED SOME RAPID ADVICE NOW domestic abuse situation

[milkmonster]

Im spinning this off quick as he's in the shed for half an hour scuse spelling etc. Together 5 years have 6month old baby has been pysical emotional and mental abuse for last 4 years has got worse since baby though he not violent physically anymre since she born. today feels like last straw for me trip to see my family planned, its my birthday today, my sister has taken time off work specially to see, it s half term so babys cousins can visit her, family lives 300 miles away, my boyfriend has pulled out of the trip he does this many many times in the past uses it to blackmail me into being 'good'i know this all sounds cliched but its real, i rent this house, he is not on the tenacny, he is not supposed o be living here due to tenancy conditions, because of whats happened today i feel like calling the landlady round and asking her to have him move out, but he says hell start smashing the house up cos im the tenant ill be responsible for the damage he says, he will do it, he has alrady damamged the house and contents previously.

he does have places to go, hoe owns his own house though hecant live in it hes a hoarder, but he has freinds to go to.

is there any wya i can avoid him smashing the house, nce the landlady leaves after telling him to go hell just come back half hour later, i really want to avoid involving police as it will make it worse for me, he has even said before he';d kidnap the baby if id did naything like this.

what does anyone think?

MM, you don't need to get any report to prove to him that you are sane.

YOU DON'T NEED TO PROVE ANYTHING TO HIM!

He is a bully.

And an abuser.

He is living in your home againt your will, and endangering your life and the life of your baby.

This is not something your landlady can help you with.

This is something the police can help you with.

You are not causing a scence.

You need help, and that is what the police are there for.

Please call them.

Dizietsma has got it right. You've GOT to get yourself out of the situation. And perhaps it's best if you go away so he doesn't know where you are.

Your landlady sounds sympathetic. Perhaps enlist her help? Tell her you want to run away. She can call the police once you've gone to get him out, and give you your deposit back.

Pack your essentials and hide them at a friends house or a women's shelter so you can just walk out enencumbered when you've managed to get as much out of the house as you can. Change your address at the bank to someone's home that you trust - perhaps family.

Get yourself a new mobile sim card and hide it from him, then ditch your old one as soon as you've gone.

Go to a women's shelter until you've got yourself together to find a new flat, somewhere new. Perhaps move to a different part of the country?

GET AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE HE KILLS YOU. Your daughter needs you to live.

Good luck. Please keep posting when you can.

You sound much more reasonable and sensible in this situation than I would be, for what it's worth. Well done for keeping yourself together so far.

MM - I read your posts with almost disbeleif - he's calling you insane and you want to get a psychiatrists (sp!) report to 'prove' you are sane? What the hell does it matter what he thinks of your mental state? He's not going to suddenly turn into a nice guy if it's proved that you're sane! it's his fault you are thinking like this - no sane, ordinary bloke does this to his partner!
I can only say - tell the landlady you are moving out at the end of te month,go to the Womens refuge (they are experienced in this, you are not) and stay there with your baby. He cannot get your child, no court would allow acces to an abusive, violent father. Write down all the episodes of violence to you so you can rememeber it all for court if it comes to that.
Move on. Get out of there. Move towns/countys if you can.

BTW MM - where are you?

This is heartbreaking.

It is hard to make him leave because you are making it easy for him to stay.

I am sorry to sound as if I am blaming you, it's not meant that way but, he knows he has you over a barrel. He knows you don't fight back (not talking physically) he knows that he has total control over you and whatever he does, whatever he says, you are not going to do anything about it.

It seems to me that calling the police is your only option. If you don't then you are still going to be posting on this thread for many years to come!

I know it's hard, it's not an easy thing to do. It will probably be the scariest thing you have ever done in your life but, it will also be the most important! Sometimes, the outside of an abusive relationship looks and feels more scary than being in one. Thats why, when they throw us the tiniest crumbs of affection, we tell ourselves it's not so bad after all. We kid ourselves.

Now is the time to be honest with yourself. No excuses now. Ring the police.

PS just a thought but, if your landlady doesn't want him in the house then you could be breaking the tenancy agreement by letting him stay there. She may end up asking you to leave.

If he smashes the place up he is responsible for it and not you. He will be charged with criminal damage. Make sure you plan things so that you remove your personal possessions like your bank book, passport, birth certs etc. Smashing up the house can be fixed they are only possessions. It may be easier for you to leave.......

Make sure you clear out any joint bank accounts and put a stop on them so he can't get you overdrawn. Do this the morning you plan to move out. Unfortunately you will have to plan things a bit to avoid having to have any immediate contact with him. Believe me if you make a break from the relationship and then have to have contact with him soon afterwards he will worm his way back into your life. For your own sanity you don't want that. Get some assistance from the local domestic violence liason police officer, they are really good. Your health visitor should also be able to help you with local refuges and support groups.

Unfortunately you need to document incidents of abuse times/date etc to prove to the court that he is abusive. Unfortunately just because he is an abusive partner does not automatically make him an abusive parent. Yes if the child is witnessing it that is abuse in itself, but if you were separated and he had no contact with you the court may feel that he would be ok with his child. They may start with supervised visits, but would not necessarily prevent access because he has been abusive to you.

MM

On average two women in the UK each week die at the hands of their partner or ex.

Do not be such a statistic; this man is unstable and you need to get away from him for good. This is also doing your daughter no good at all; she could grow up thinking that such behaviour from men is normal because Mummy tolerated it and did not leave. Is this the legacy you want to leave to her?. No of course not.

This is all about power and control; by abusing you he has power and control over you.

MM you have made me feel cold reading this again. You ask what makes a killer. I always thought my ex would kill me, but kept telling myself I was being melodramatic, but the fear was still there. After I got out I always felt that one day the police would come knocking because he had hurt someone. You know what they did, he murdered a woman who was trying to finish a relationship with him.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCT - if you think he could hurt you then he probably will eventually. You have the power to stop this, go to the police. I am begging you, they will help. I didn't call the police and nearly paid the ultimate price. Please please, I can't beg you anymore, please go to the police. He's using the kidnap thing to frighten you, he knows that is something you fear more than anything. Its the way their minds work, I was threatened with my worst fears because he knew what they were. Its all about power to control you. You can't live like this, call the police and stay safe.

Hi plaese read my post..... I was with anabuser..... i thought i couldnt do it.My dd is 5.5 and it HAS affected her.... though we only lived together for a year. I am sat crying at the PC because i really really feel for you. its like an addiction, every time it seems ok you forget the worst. I could sit and tell you what a shit he is, and what you need to do. But you know he is a shit and you already know what you want to do. YOU WOULD BE OK. If you can't face officials being involved just get friends round.... he is very unlikely to kiock off with others there. If he touches you.... ring the police, hve a friend hiding somewhere. I got out and I am FINE. I do have low days..... having a bit of one today. But it is easier to bear than the constant battering emotionally. My dd was 13 months when i kicked her father out then she was 4.5 when i moved in with the second guy, now at 5.5 she has seen enough stress and upset to last a lifetime! YOU HAVE TO GET OUT LOVEY x x

MM - I can't believe you're feeling sorry for him!!! He's sayng you're nuts, insane, thick, he says he's going to tell everyone you are lying if you tell them whats happening, he says he's going to kidnap your dd, AND YOU BEIEVE IT!!!! ANd you expect everyone else to believe him!! He CANNOT take away your daughter (esp. if you are breastfeeding) he CANNOT live in your home if he abuses you! Just because he has a high IQ does not make him a better person than you! Just because he has a high IQ does not mean people will believe him! You are perfectly coherent on here - you can state your own case.
Write down every event, every threat, every incident so that a) you remember it and b) you have some backup.
He may be depressed, but this is not an excuse to terrorise you and your dd. He may be the unstable one! Did you think of that?? You getting out of there may push him to getting help for himself.
(sorry about the overuse of !!!!!'s)

Call the Police when whatever. He is threatening. It is a criminal offence. Threatening behaviour. As for taking your child. No way. He would have to take you to court to try and prove that you are unstable and Psychaitrict (Speeling) report would have to be requested. There is no way would they take the word of one man against everyone elses.

Also teh police are well aware of all the same old things perputractors (Spelling) say and do. Believe me bully say and do very simiular things I think they must be handed the hand book as it is the same old rubbish they say and do to make women and children believe that they are indeed the most intelligent one and that women know nothing. It is your anme on the tenancy and you do not that man in your house and he is reusing to go. So you call the police and tell them that you have asked him to leave and he is threatening you he has threatened to kipnap your daughter and he has also threatened to trash the house with you and your daughter in it. The police will come round and willnot leave without him being gone and you get an order to ensure he does not return and the police will also help you with this. Women Aid is a definate help to. They will help you from start to finish.
It is a lot easier said than done. The thoughts of all the change is mind blowing this is only as no one likes change so the thoughts of change is frightening. But you do not have to live like this. He is capable of using physical abuse, he may not have used it for 6 months but it WILL return and it may well be your daughter on the end of it. Or you on the end of it and your daughter stood there watching or trying to intervene. Then what will happen to her. Please do not wait for that. You need out now.
Also as for the threats of kipnap. Then that will make a good case for supervise access only. If you so wished for him to have access.

Please Please Please get out either by getting police to you or you leaving. You go to a womens refuge and he won't know where you are, so he would not be able to take your daughter anyway.

Good Luck. You will go on like this for a long time and each time it will be a little bit worse and little more intense. What the point he has no right in your home that your name is on. You have asked him to go. The police won't take any notice of what he says, as they are well used to this. Your daughter will stay with you, certainly not him. He has got you belieing this rubbish about yourself. It is not true, I am sorry but he is not that intelligent when he does not know how to treat another human being and the mother to his child with respect. That you so deserve.

Good luck and hope you get the help stength and support that you desperately need. Take Care.

And don't feel any shame about what has happened to you. Lots of perfectly normal, intelligent, independent women get caught up in relationships with abusive b*ds. Gradually over time they wear your confidence down to a point where you are not sure what is acceptable behaviour within a relationship, and what is wholly unacceptable.

For that reason, it helps to have some friends on the outside telling you that your instinct is right - that this man is abusive and controlling and a real threat to your mental & physical health. Fellow MN-ers may not know you personally, so we cannot claim to be your friends, but many of us have experienced situations and really do care. You are not alone, sadly you are one of thousands of women who walk on eggshells, afraid of another outburst or attack (be that verbal, physical, whatever).

You posted the message that originated this thread. Deep down you know you are right to want OUT of this relationship. There are many MN-ers who are wishing you well. Keep us posted and do not be afraid.

Big hug. The first step is really the hardest.

Bump - Milkmonster - are you ok?

Oh dear God. Reading these posts makes me shake with rage on your behalf. HOW DARE HE??????? You sound perfectly sane and rational to me; measured, fair (against all the odds), so WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE? Because he's frightened you into believing he's right. Deep down you know he's not. Hold on to those thoughts. There is a whole new life waiting for you, the moment you take the brave step to walk away from him. You're nearly ready to do it. Why wait for the final violent push? Set up some backup - safety in numbers and GO. NOW!

bump - are you ok MM?

Any news MM?

Just read this MM - hope you're OK.

bump. Thinking of you MM.

Milkmonster. sorry to pop onto you thread so late in the day. get yourself to see a solicitor quicksmart. if you are on maternity leave chances are you wil qualify for free legal help so you wont have to pay for initial advice/ work. your solicitor can apply to your local county court for a non molestation order and occupation order - fancy name for an injunction to get him out of the house and keep him out. the court should put a power of arrest on this so he cant threaten, pester or harass you in the future. i honestly cant see the district judge hesitating to make you the order when the tenancy is in your name, he has other places to go and he has behaved so badly towards you.

as for your little one if he has threatened to take her you will need a Residence Order from the court. i would not hand her over for any contact without the security of this first.

believe me courts are not interested in taking children from mothers who love them and are meeting their needs. please dont worry about this - the best way for him to frighten/manipulate you is through your daughter.

in my area there is a safe project run by the nspcc - your solicitor will put you in touch if there is something like that near you.

ps - anyone can find themselves in this kind of situation - i know i have - just do what you can to keep yourself and the little one safe.

mm r u there???

Bump....hope u ok MM.

bump - MM - we're hoping that you've taken our advice and got out of there and that's why you're not posting???

hello ..... you either are out of there and don't have a computer or are still there and too scared to come back on........ if its the second one i know how easy it is to be lulled into a false sense of security by them..... but don't be fooled. THESE MEN NEVER CHANGE! If you are back with him please still post..... there is lots of people here that care no matter what! I certainly will not judge you or have a go..... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY!!!