Ex- Wife won't leave us alone

[Weteam2013]

My partner of 3 years ex wife (divorced 6 months) will not leave us be.
They have two children together, so of course they need to be in regular contact.
However if she hears from the children that we have plans, she will do anything in her power to stop us from enjoying ourselves.
Any advice welcome. Perhaps an insight, from an ex wife?

I think you are getting an insight from some jealous ex wives on here! The ones who are convinced you must have been the OW whatever you say! Perhaps your husband’s ex is similar!

I used to have this with my husband’s ex. I met him a few years after they’d split (she had an affair and had already married the other man). She was vile and selfish and I nearly walked away from my relationship with my husband because of her on a couple of occasions. When we got married my stepson was really excited and we gave him lots of roles in the wedding (best man etc, despite him being 10!). We told her the date a year ahead. She deliberately booked a cruise over the date and told us my stepson couldn’t come. He, and we, were really upset. Luckily her second marriage broke up before the cruise and it was cancelled so he came. She’s never had a relationship last more than two years in the 15 years I’ve known her because she’s just so self centred. Everything we did for my stepson she tried to beat. If we got a dog and he loved it, she’d go out and buy two. If he enjoyed something with us she’d try and poo poo it or put him off. One thing I will say is, to some extent, it does get a lot better when the child gets older. She does continue to dominate him (eg, he will always spend Xmas dinner etc with her because he says she kicks off so much if he doesn’t) but he always comes and visits us for a few hours first. We’ve probably got used to it too. I think one of the things that have made me stick it out is that my husband is such a gentle man and he deserves someone on his side! The younger years were hard (dss was 7 when we met) but now he’s in his early 20s those days seem like a lifetime ago.

I would never comment to the children about their relationship with their mother. I will always say "If your mum says no, then it's still no" etc. Truth be told, I'm afraid to make any decision. It will be thrown back at me (through OH) regardless.
I may come across as if I am trying to create a wedge between this woman and her kids. This is really not the case.
I am happy to have time alone, giving him quality time with the kids.
I love them, but they aren't my kids.

I must research the term "parallel parent". Thank you

In a previous relationship I had, the exw was bonkers. Exdp and her were divorced way before we met, due to her having an affair. She remained the with OM, but could not bear the thought of my exdp with anyone else. They had 2 dc together who were massively affected by her behaviour - one of them developed a stammer. One Xmas morning, as she was dropping the kids off before heading to work, she screamed at me on my front lawn, calling me a whore - all because I answered my own front door and not exdp - it was 6.30 in the morning, I was already up as I'd walked the dog, exdp was asleep . Whilst showering me with insults, the kids ran inside the house and hid in their rooms. It was so sad. We had the children 50/50, and these kind of handovers were not unusual. Phone calls at 6am when we had the kids. Demanding I not be in the car if we were picking up/dropping of the kids en route to somewhere. Turning up at the playground where we lived when we had the kids. Coming to the house unannounced, inviting herself in (she had NEVER lived there) on the basis it was her childrens home, so she was entitled to be there. It was exhausting and I eventually left.

I wasn't being rude. I have no reson to be rude.
They are divorced, so we are no longer in an "adulterous relationship".
My point was, I don't and never did view it as such. We did not conduct an affair. We have abided by the terms set out in the separation and divorce. She has not.

I think I'm just more sensitive to her behaviour, because it's predominantly directed at me.
He is just sick of her and wishes she would "f*ck off".
He doesn't engage her, unless absolutely necessary. When he ignores her, it seems to aggravate her further. Then she start messaging him about me, in an effort to get him to respond.

Had this in the past with my husbands ex - if we ever did anything - a music festival/holiday/even a night out and she got wind of it - she would suddenly get really angry and start demanding more money from him! (He already gives much more than is required by law, and of the child ever needs anything we are always happy to pay! We take child on holiday once a year and have taken him to a few music festivals too - so it’s not like we are just do trips on our own and she’s always left unable to do anything / have her own spare time (she went away for a month around South America herself last year and we happily had step son stay with us and told her to enjoy herself - but it doesn’t work both ways - we aren’t allowed do anything without her starting an argument

We’ve basically had to stop sharing our plans with the child sadly, have to watch what we say, we have blocked her on social media so she can’t see what we are doing - have found just being discreet about anything we are up to has massively helped - she can’t get mad if she doesn’t know!! Feels a bit stupid - but hey needs must

OP ignore all the OW comments.

Sure, legally he was being adulterous by having another relationship whilst married.

But there's cheating on your loving spouse, who believes they are in a stable, monogamous relationship, with a supportive family and home, joint finances and everything, and then there's separated, moved out, nobody under any illusions that the relationship is over but it's taking a while to get everything finalised/sold/processed through court etc, and either party begins a new relationship.

Starting a relationship 2 years after he's separated from his (now ex) wife and moved out, living as a single man, does not make you a home wrecking other woman.

Wow. I'm sorry you experienced that. I too have been called a "whore", "slut", "c*nt". The kids told me, she refers to me as "his whore.." at times.
Oddly, she too invited herself into our home. Even walked upstairs and went into OUR bedroom. Obviously, I wasn't there at the time. I have never seen the inside of their home, with her. I believe its very nice, so thats great for the kids.
I rarely put myself in a position where I am around for drop off etc., but I did recently and the kids mentioned to me afterwards that their mother asked where I got my jacket and subsequently bought an identical one.

I would not respond to the texts until a reasonable hour. I would have all phones switched to silent after a certain time.

Make a choice to not let her behaviour effect you. You will feel empowered ignoring the sock texts.

Dint change your plans for her. If you're going somewhere she planned the next week, simply say, "how wonderful,the boys will enjoy it so much going with you, too". Learn to say a non committal mmm. Keep stepping back and letting DH deal with children as that's a whole new battleground you do not want to be involved with!

@Ffsffsffsffsffs (love the handle)
Thank you. He will tell you, even if he never met me they would never have gotten back together. He has told her this too.

Wise words.

You've really hit the nail on the head here. This is EXACTLY her type of behaviours and I also feel like he needs someone in his corner (I also love him dearly, of course).
She says the most hurtful things to and in front of his children and (thankfully) he never retaliates. He loves his sons dearly.
It's nice to hear you came out the other side of it.

Some of these responses are utterly ridiculous.

People who are separated are NOT in a relationship, regardless of whether a divorce is finalised or not. How ridiculous to say otherwise.

Particularly in Ireland. I have friends and acquaintances, who are separated and not divorced for a variety of reasons. Mostly financial. Some of them are in new relationships and some have children.
Funnily enough, their situations are far more amicable.

I can't get over some of the comments on here. People immediately jumping on you accusing you of being the OW? Honestly just ignore it.

I am a mum whose daughter goes between me and my ExH and his partner. I'll be honest with you and say its so hard sometimes. I have felt in the past that i was losing my grip as a mother and desperately hated hearing about fun things they were all doing together. When you hear that you build up this happy picture in your mind of a family unit without you. The only thing you have left sometimes is the fact that you are the mother regardless of what they do.

The danger zone comes when you try to weponise the kids. I'll admit that I nearly went down that route a few times but always pulled myself back.

After time I realised that no matter what happens I had to get over it for the sake of my daughter. I realised that things are not always fine and dandy there and that her stepmum has her own difficulties in trying to deal with an 11 year old (no kids of her own).

Feel like I am rambling a bit but I am just trying to tell you how it is from the mums point of view. However, I do agree that she's overstepping the mark. When the kids are with you the decisions should sit with you (the father more of course) unless it's something substantial.

I now have a partner who has two little ones (5 and 7). I am very very careful with how I deal with their mum and always make sure that she never feels like I'm overstepping or getting involved with big decisions regarding the children. It is not my place. I do however look after them, play with them and talk about their mum when they are with us. We are at the point now where we can all sit and have a cuppa and chat about school, Christmas gifts etc. Don't get me wrong it's not perfect by any means but it works.

Try and see it from her side, give it time and just be there for the kids.

Good luck x

@Weteam2013

My partner of 3 years ex wife (divorced 6 months) will not leave us be. They have two children together, so of course they need to be in regular contact. However if she hears from the children that we have plans, she will do anything in her power to stop us from enjoying ourselves. Any advice welcome. Perhaps an insight, from an ex wife?

My mum was like this and still is, and my parents split about a decade ago now. She's mellowed slightly but she'll still make things difficult, so unfortunately you'll either need to go to court to sort it legally, get used to her ruling the roost or leave.

I don't say this to be horrible but I've seen it first hand, so just advising from what I know.

Op, ignore all those saying you’re in an adulterous relationship. It’s just utter nonsense... but does give you an insight into the way some ex-wives think

I’ve been going through this for the last 5 years
My partner left-nobody else involved but he met another woman not long after-then met me

She’s had my partner arrested
Bad mouthed us to anyone who will listen
Lied about me
Rang my work to tell them I’m a child abuser (I almost lost my job)
Hounded my in laws on the phone-screaming abuse at them
Posted dog mess to me
Screamed abuse to us both down the phone-from 6am til the early hours-i don’t think she slept-ever
Told her (then 7 year old daughter) what anal sex was-so her dad would find out and be upset
Got her mates to hound me at work
Rang the police on me-because I walked down the street
Rang my partners old work so many times they rang the police
Got both kids to read/repeat her bile down the phone to us
Got her daughter to scream abuse at us-at 1am on a school night,just because she could-more than once
Tried to tell me she was going to get me out of my own house-she tried to ban me from walking through my own doors/sitting on my own sofa-she rang the police to tell them this but they told her to go away

This list goes on but I got my in laws to change their number on the same day I got my partner to change his
We did give her the number of a cheap burner phone-and we check it weekly
We keep any contact with her to a minimum (she thinks nothing of contacting the kids on contact but we can’t stop that-she just screams at them)
Just another 5 years until we can shut the burner phone down and never have any contact ever again-that day cannot come fast enough
We’ve tried going to the police but she just puts on her little girl act and nothing happens-even tho we do have endless proof
I’ve tried ss but as they are fed,dressed and have a roof over their heads they don’t want to know either
Roll on new year 2025-I’ll be binning the spare phone with pleasure and walking away from her and the grief she’s put us through

Crazy x wives do exist, the company I work for have an injunction of some sort against an employees x wife to stop her showing up and harassing staff.

Sorry you are going through this OP I hope it gets easier sooner rather than later.

I feel for you OP. I think you need to calmly agree a strategy with your dp so that you have a united approach. Hopefully as the dc get older she will have less need for contact, once they are adults she will need little to no contact with her exh! She sounds unhinged.

OP, by name changing, you’ve made your post more difficult to follow because your replies aren’t highlighted. Can you at least type who you’re replying to in the smattering of random sentences you’re posting?

People need to RTFF

Mother and Father 5yrs separated

Father and OP together 3yrs

Divorce finalised 3months ago

Mother being a pain

I find it really hard to understand bitterness. My ex husband had an affair and we are still amicable and get on. Not for the first couple of months of course. At the end of the day if I have a good relationship with my children's f at her it only benefits them. He is still with the woman he had an affair with and as she is involved in my children's lives I prefer to keep it amicable with her too.People have commented how I can be nice to him and her but I am because use this makes things much nicer for my children. I am now a stepmother myself and my husband and his ex don't get on. I tend to be the one they go through for speaking and I can't understand why they can't put their bitterness aside for the sake of the kids. OP I feel for you.