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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex- Wife won't leave us alone

129 replies

Weteam2013 · 22/12/2020 21:59

My partner of 3 years ex wife (divorced 6 months) will not leave us be.
They have two children together, so of course they need to be in regular contact.
However if she hears from the children that we have plans, she will do anything in her power to stop us from enjoying ourselves.
Any advice welcome. Perhaps an insight, from an ex wife?

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnSanta · 23/12/2020 08:33

@CB1320

Having not (fortunately) experienced the breakdown of a marriage or breakup of a family. I was merely looking for a little guidance, so I could reassure this woman that I am not the enemy or a threat to her two children. Talking hasn't worked, as she won't speak to me. At all. But, yeah okay.
There's nothing you can do to change her mindset if she has already chosen a course of action, and it sounds like she did. You can't control or change her behaviour,only yours.

All you can do is grey rock her and love , be welcoming and kind to the children.Don't get involved in squabbles, don't bad mouth her, don't show your anger in front of the kids etc.

Your OH needs to stand up to her too and minimise contact with her, not respond to rambling texts, put boundaries in place .

As the children grow, it will become easier since she won't have to be so involved and they can make choices and decisions by themselves.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:36

I didn't contribute to the demise of their marriage and that is something even his XW can agree on.
I was his first relationship, upon leaving the family home.
I don't have any feelings of jealousy towards his children, nor do we argue regarding the time spent with them.
His ex wouldn't allow him see his children, if she had a choice (she prefers to tell people she is a "single mother").
He loves his children, I love his children and we would gladly have them all the time.

Fbtw · 23/12/2020 08:37

You should’ve clarified Ireland because mumsnet is a uk based site.

As far as the ex wife, why would anyone else who is or isn’t an ex wife know why she’s doing what she’s doing?

Regardless, you have an OH problem. He needs to set boundaries.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:38

Sound advice. I need to look into this "grey rock" method. Thank you for the kind words.

1992serpent · 23/12/2020 08:38

Walk away from the relationship and find someone who doesn't have a crazy ex or is childless. I would never get with a guy with so much baggage.

Mollyboom · 23/12/2020 08:38

You can;t reason away that level of bitterness and you can see from some of the responses in here that there is an unjustified hatred towards new partners/wives. Practical advice

Don't tell the children the plans in advance
Rise above petty name calling or bad mouthing their mother
It is ok for a father to sometimes say no it's not convenient for me to have my children at such short notice as I had plans. This will stop her trying last minute disruptions. It doesn't make him a bad parent. Childen have to understand that the other parent has a life when they are not there.
If she doesn't want to talk you then fine- just ignore
It will get better as the children get older.

YellowBeryl · 23/12/2020 08:39

My DHs ex had an affair and left him, rather threw him out. She said she was happier than she had ever been, yet still she tried to control him through the children. When we got together she tried her best to break us up, through the children, my DH parents and even my work. 30 years on she is still trying, through the grandchildren.

If he is worth it, you just have to grin and bear it, it does get easier, but never goes away.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:45

Thank you. I'm a "fixer" and sometimes find the waiting game a little frustrating.
This isn't the kids fault. Never is. So, I just try and focus on bring nurturing towards them. It isn't a competition between their mother and I. I think she sees it as such.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:46

Wow, that's awful. So much time wasted in anger and bitterness.
I think he is. Thank you

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:50

He has spoken to her. Personally and through a solicitor.
Sometimes he will say "what more can I do?"
I don't want confrontation, I don't handle confrontation well.
I shouldn't allow it into our home, our peace I guess.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:00

Thank you, it's nice to hear from someone who has been through it.
I encourage him to fit the kids in all the time, even if it upsets our plans.
I am of the opinion "kids come first" always and if I'm being honest, I'm petrified she will tell them I am trying to come between them.
She has done so in the past.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:04

Thank you, this is reassuring.
I feel I am constantly considering her feelings, when making decisions in my own life/ relationship.
Sometimes I will ask "Do you think x will be okay with that? Are you sure? Will she not kick off?"
I probably allow her into the relationship, more so than my OH.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:06

So if I was UK based and living with a legally separated man, that would make me the other woman?
Even if I hadn't even met him at the time of his separation?

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:09

It wasn't an affair. Nor would it have been an affair, had we been living in the UK

Fbtw · 23/12/2020 09:11

Unless they are actually divorced then technically he is committing adulterous and you are the OW.

but in practice, no.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:13

So if I'm not committing adultery "in practice", how am I?

Fbtw · 23/12/2020 09:15

I was trying to be nice. I wish I hadn’t now.

Legally he’s he is committing adultery. Unless you’re still married to someone else, you are not.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/12/2020 09:18

OK.. A couple of practical suggestions. First of all, set the contact routine more rigidly. It's not unreasonable that you, her and the kids have set days and you don't muck about with it. You plan your personal lives around that and barring emergencies, you stick to it and are not each others' childcare - at least not at the moment.
They do spend a reasonable amount of time with you which might involve a fair bit of back and forth re homework, uniform, etc.. I could imagine how that would happen if my ex had them through the week at all because I wouldn't know if things were done / pending / needed etc. I'm not sure what the answer is other than maybe using a family calendar app to keep track of things, have doubles of everything as far as possible so each household is independent and so on. Just try to draw clear lines.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/12/2020 09:20

Oh and ignore the ow / adultery nonsense. My ex did leave for ow and its awful but you were not in anything other than the legal sense, though that may be why the ex feels more involved or enmeshed.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:20

Well if this is you being "nice"? Shock
I did not contribute to the demise of the marriage.
I did not jump into bed with him, the day he moved his belongings from the family home.
We met some time after the fact.
Thank you for your input, but I take exception to being told I am in an adulterous relationship.

Wolfiefan · 23/12/2020 09:22

She texts about clothes and HW? She’s a parent. She probably misses her kids and is trying to make sure things get done.
She will always have contact with your partner. He’s the father of her children.
If you can’t deal with that then find a new man without an ex and children.

Fbtw · 23/12/2020 09:23

You were rude.

I carefully explained that in a legal sense he is committing adultery.

Because he is.

Practically, no one reasonable will care, as he is separated and they are living apart, but legally, he is committing adultery until he is divorced, or his ex wife dies (if he doesn’t get divorced before that).

Causes a complete up fuck at funerals and division of the assets I can tell you.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2020 09:31

DH should speak to his solicitor. A letter reminding her that these are contact arrangements and should be stuck to except in emergency. When children with a parent they parent, a parent does not make contact with other parent unless emergency. Obviously children can still contact mum if with you I assume older one will have a phone. Solicitors letter should say please do not put child in awkward situation of asking them to put me on phone. I’d not tell children plans for now until situation improves. Limit social media so she doesn’t know what you have done.

Techway · 23/12/2020 09:34

she will do anything in her power to stop us from enjoying ourselves

She doesn't really have lots of power, just what you allow her to have in your head.

The children are old enough to decide what they want so if they choose to stay with their mum I'm not sure you can do much about it. If the mum is forcing or manipulating them, it will backfire on her longterm.

The texting over homework or other child related matters shouldn't be a stress to you as that could genuinely be in the best interests of the children. Can you give examples?

Is she still with her affair partner? Are you much younger than your partber? If so I would consider if this is for you? blending families is not easy so you have chosen a difficult path fir your life because the mother will always be involved in your lives, graduation, weddings etc.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2020 09:36

I can see it’s very irritating particularly as they are not small children. Eg they take children to beach - child rings mum at end of day and says we’ve been to beach and the mum demands to speak to Dad and says did you put sunscreen on, I hope they didn’t have ice cream it’s full of sugar, did he wear his water vest etc. Dad is a parent and on his day makes these decisions.