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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex- Wife won't leave us alone

129 replies

Weteam2013 · 22/12/2020 21:59

My partner of 3 years ex wife (divorced 6 months) will not leave us be.
They have two children together, so of course they need to be in regular contact.
However if she hears from the children that we have plans, she will do anything in her power to stop us from enjoying ourselves.
Any advice welcome. Perhaps an insight, from an ex wife?

OP posts:
jellybeans · 23/12/2020 01:35

We're you the OW?

jessstan1 · 23/12/2020 01:48

@jellybeans

We're you the OW?
I wondered the same.

If you and this guy have longevity you have to fit your plans around his children - doesn't mean you can't go out with friends or whatever while he is looking after the children but you won't be able to go out or curl up at home together whenever you feel like it. That is just how it is. The children's mother is entitled to some free time too - equal to your 'partner's' - and I bet she has far less.

Personally I think you are bonkers to hook up with a young dad but that was your choice so either put up with the consequences of that it or end it now. The grand passion will wear off soon enough and you will wonder why you contributed to the break up of his marriage and children's home.

BuffaloMozzerella · 23/12/2020 02:02

The OP my not be based in the UK. Until recently in Ireland a couple had to be legally separated for 4 years before divorce proceedings can begin. So of course people start new relationships during this period.

iguanabanana · 23/12/2020 02:08

Some of the replies on here!!?!
I was in a similar situation, now 6 or so years down the line and step children are that much older, we find that husband's ex has less opportunity to try and control us. It has been tricky at times though, certainly during the first 2 years.
News Flash- some ex wives are nasty, controlling and manipulative regardless of the events of the past. (I was not ow, she had had an affair).

PolkadotGiraffe · 23/12/2020 02:10

@BuffaloMozzerella

The OP my not be based in the UK. Until recently in Ireland a couple had to be legally separated for 4 years before divorce proceedings can begin. So of course people start new relationships during this period.
I hadn't considered that, thanks for pointing this out. If that's the case it would have been helpful for the OP to tell us that though, so that we could understand the situation.
mrsseddon · 23/12/2020 02:11

@CB1320

They had a legal separation in place, 2 months after the separation. Divorce only finalised 6 months ago. They have been living apart 5 years.
Why does everyone think op was OW? He's been living apart from his ex wife for 5 years, divorced for 6 months.

I have been separated and living apart from my husband for 3.5 years, I am seeing someone at the moment but divorce isn't even on the cards tbh.
Does this mean I shouldn't be seeing anyone?
And op, my advice, as I've been on both sides of this, is to not drop everything for her. Just say sorry, its not possible if it's not your time. She will stop doing it

PolkadotGiraffe · 23/12/2020 02:38
  • I have been separated and living apart from my husband for 3.5 years, I am seeing someone at the moment but divorce isn't even on the cards tbh. Does this mean I shouldn't be seeing anyone?*

Obviously it is up to you what you do but if your marriage has broken down to the point at which you are permanently separated (and in the OP's case, saying they have gone through the legal separation process making that official) and at a point that you are wanting to start a new relationship, why on Earth is divorce "not on the cards"? That seems unfair to both your husband and your new partner, and could make this unnecessarily complicated compared to divorcing before beginning something with another man.

Maddison12 · 23/12/2020 02:39

Bonkers replies on here.
OP don't have much advice for you just solidarity.

When me and OH first got together there was lots of silly games from his ex, trying to cause huge amounts of trouble in our relationship etc. They had been split up for more than a year, she was already in a new relationship and pregnant with new manHmm

Think some ex wives/ girlfriends don't want them but don't want anyone else to have themConfused
Of course people move on and aren't going to stay single forever.
It WILL get better OP. But you have to be firm. Just stick at it, if ex wife sees she can't cause trouble between the two of you, she'll soon get bored and leave you alone.

PolkadotGiraffe · 23/12/2020 02:45

@Justajot

So it's reasonable for an Ex to continue to damage a new relationship that started 2 years after the original split? Are XH never allowed to move on?
Yeah. That's what divorces are for!
Coyoacan · 23/12/2020 03:14

I don't understand why everyone is going on about the need for a divorce. The DP is divorced and that still hasn't solved the problem.

changedmynameforChristmas · 23/12/2020 03:32

The DP needs to grow a pair and sort this out.

PolkadotGiraffe · 23/12/2020 03:39

@Coyoacan

I don't understand why everyone is going on about the need for a divorce. The DP is divorced and that still hasn't solved the problem.
He divorced very recently and the OP says they were having a relationship for years prior to the divorce, when he was still married to someone else.
PolkadotGiraffe · 23/12/2020 03:47

@jellybeans

We're you the OW?
She's said that she was seeing him for 2.5 years before he and his wife divorced, so yes. 😐
Coyoacan · 23/12/2020 03:49

He divorced very recently and the OP says they were having a relationship for years prior to the divorce, when he was still married to someone else

But what has that got to do with anything really? Do you think that is a justification or explanation for the ex-wife's behaviour?

changedmynameforChristmas · 23/12/2020 03:53

He was separated from his wife for five years so NO.

yawnsvillex · 23/12/2020 03:55

@PinkPurpleFlowers

Find a new partner. You will never be rid of her. Why do people get divorced, only to plague the other person forever?

This

sammylady37 · 23/12/2020 04:18

According to the OP, her partner has been separated from his ex-wife for 5 years, and she has been with him for 3. So while the divorce may not have been through, they were legally married but not in a functional relationship and not together. So I don’t know why people are insisting on calling the op the OW, or saying that the split is ‘very new’ to his ex-wife. She’s not and it’s not. And, even if she was and it was, the ex-wife shouldn’t be involving the kids in her petty attempts at revenge.

GroundAlmonds · 23/12/2020 04:22

Any advice welcome. Perhaps an insight, from an ex wife?

You want an “ex wife” to explain to you why a completely different woman is doing something?

Okay then. Hmm

LKJG · 23/12/2020 07:37

Some ex wife’s a very bitter for a long time. You either have to get used to it or split and find someone with less baggage.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:11

Even if she was the one to instigate the separation?

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:21

He showed me the separation papers, when we first became "involved".
So it is the case, regarding the separation agreement.
They had been living "together, but separately" for a year prior to him moving out of the family home. Perhaps, this is why the legal separation was a faster process?
We live in Ireland, one cannot get a divorce at the drop of a hat.
He has tried. The separation, divorce, solicitors letters in relation to the children has been financially crippling.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:23

Thank you for this.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:27

Having not (fortunately) experienced the breakdown of a marriage or breakup of a family. I was merely looking for a little guidance, so I could reassure this woman that I am not the enemy or a threat to her two children. Talking hasn't worked, as she won't speak to me. At all.
But, yeah okay.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 08:30

I do belive he is trying, but sometimes I think he takes the "ignore it" approach a little too often. I'm not looking for confrontation, just boundaries.

Requinblanc · 23/12/2020 08:31

What is your partner doing about this? if his ex is causing issue, he needs to man up and talk to her about it...