Page 4 | Ex- Wife won't leave us alone

Weteam2013 · 2020-12-22T21:59:14+00:00

My partner of 3 years ex wife (divorced 6 months) will not leave us be. They have two children together, so of course they need to be in regular contact. However if she hears from the children that we have plans, she will do anything in her power to stop us from enjoying ourselves. Any advice welcome. Perhaps an insight, from an ex wife?

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:37

That's a very good point. I'm sorry you had to experience that. Solid advice, thank you

Heisstillnotdivorced · 23/12/2020 09:39

Op please ignore the fools telling you that you previously committed adultery. I am also in Ireland and understand the significance of legally separated. He was a single man when you met him. (Even if he wasn't his ex would not be entitled to use the children in this manner but that's irrelevant here.)

I can sympathize with your position as I was in a very similar one myself. Everytime we had something significant planned an email would coincidentally appear overflowing with accusations about anything and everything, no matter how ludicrous. So instead of being in the moment at our baby's scan or whatever my DP would be embroiled with rage and defensiveness. I had a planned C-section and gave her the date as soon as I had it and she even managed to make sure that day he was dancing to her tune. She pulled some very nasty stunts in general and if she had her way we would not have been able to buy our home and would be broken up.

We went to see a counsellor who gave us very good advice and things improved.

Basically it would be lovely it everyone got on, was reasonable, amicable and fair. That was certainly what we wanted. But it only works if all parties have the same goal.

In the interim all you can do is ringfence your own relationship and family unit. Don't pander to her unnecessary interferences and unreasonable demands. Communicate with her regarding the children's arrangements and nothing else. Your DH is their father, he doesn't have to run food choices etc by her. If she demands a change to the schedule he doesn't have to accommodate her. He doesn't have to reply to her everytime she contacts him.

In short, set your boundaries and stick to them. She is the mother of his children but she's not part of your family.

EpochTime · 23/12/2020 09:40

@CB1320

I sometimes think she feels a sense of ownership over him, being the mother of his kids

She is probably feeling something like what seems 'ownership' to you. Even in the most acrimonious divorces, when children are involved there will usually be at least a tiny feeling of an invisible thread. It is inevitable - it's nature! Two people have created another human being who is a mix of those two people. Occasionally she will see aspects of him when looking at her children. He will occasionally see aspects of her when looking at his children. Because they both love their children, there will be a tiny part of them still recognising the love they had for their previous partner. Your best bet is to carry on with your life with integrity and accept that, over time, things will get easier, eventually.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:42

Things get done and get done properly. Texting at 1am about a pair of socks, that are in the wash or about a misspelling at 2am on a Saturday morning is not about the kids IMO.
I understand she misses the kids, sometimes I miss them too and their father misses them terribly.
We have never once denied them an opportunity to facetime, call or text their mother.

Heisstillnotdivorced · 23/12/2020 09:42

@Wolfiefan

She texts about clothes and HW? She’s a parent. She probably misses her kids and is trying to make sure things get done. She will always have contact with your partner. He’s the father of her children. If you can’t deal with that then find a new man without an ex and children.

He is also a parent. Is he constantly messaging her when their children are not with him? The OP sounds reasonable and considerate, I'm sure if the contact was warranted it wouldn't be an issue.

Bumsnet2021 · 23/12/2020 09:43

Him and her need to go no contact and “parallel parent” rather than “co parent”

Get a court order in place so that child arraignments are fixed and make contact about changes through a third party and designated times for contact between each parent and the kids when in each other’s care.

Get him to speak to her and tell her the communication is too difficult and that this is what he plans if she persists. Give her one warning, then if she continues straight to court.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:45

These things exactly. Sometimes she will parent in such a way he doesn't agree with, screen time etc.
He will shrug it off and say "She is their mother, she loves them". I wish, we would get the same level of respect.
Often its just really silly things like "I was planning to take them there tomorrow.."

Heisstillnotdivorced · 23/12/2020 09:45

@CB1320

Things get done and get done properly. Texting at 1am about a pair of socks, that are in the wash or about a misspelling at 2am on a Saturday morning is not about the kids IMO. I understand she misses the kids, sometimes I miss them too and their father misses them terribly. We have never once denied them an opportunity to facetime, call or text their mother.

Of course it's not about the kids.

Heisstillnotdivorced · 23/12/2020 09:46

@bumsnet2021 has some good advice there

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:49

I'm sorry to hear your story, that's shocking. Excellent advice, thank you. I wish you and your family all the best.

RosesandPumpkins · 23/12/2020 09:50

I’m guessing those of you shocked at having been divorced 6 months have never actually been divorced! Divorce takes fucking ages. Divorce is always way past the point of no return! And often divorce proceedings themselves aren’t started for a while after the end

Bumsnet2021 · 23/12/2020 09:51

@CB1320

I didn't contribute to the demise of their marriage and that is something even his XW can agree on. I was his first relationship, upon leaving the family home. I don't have any feelings of jealousy towards his children, nor do we argue regarding the time spent with them. His ex wouldn't allow him see his children, if she had a choice (she prefers to tell people she is a "single mother"). He loves his children, I love his children and we would gladly have them all the time.

Only just seen this post, but could have guessed it from your first two or three.

Typical bitter ex wife trying to play the “woe betide me” act as a single mum with a feckless ex, when that’s not the case at all.

He needs to legal up and cut her out of your lives.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:51

I like the idea of a family calendar. It would certainly minimise the endless texts and emails, which are only designed to rise my OH.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:53

Very balanced and a nice way to look at it.

dottiedodah · 23/12/2020 09:54

She is still their DM and as such finds it hard to "let go" I think.No matter how much people will say she has to move on and build a new life ,it will be very difficult for her. Epoch time has it right in that they are a combination of your DP and his wife .Hopefully in time if you have DC then this will become less uncomfortable for you .When you marry a man with a family ,you are in effect marrying a Father with all the responsibilities that carries Im afraid.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 09:55

This is exactly how she behaves, but I'm afraid to say it for fear of being vilified. Being the "OW" and all that

MasterMargarita · 23/12/2020 09:58

OP, ignore the stuck-up bores like @Fbtw with their adultery nonsense. You're doing nothing wrong and it is evident to sane rational people.
I've been separated from my husband for three years and living with another man the last 18 months. I'm not divorced because I can find better things to spend £700 on and the loser won't share the costs.
Your DP's ex is on a power trip. She does it because it entertains her and because she can.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 10:00

She will ring the children (more than once) midway through a movie, knowing where they are. She will arrive at the school at the same time as one of us, saying "Oh change of plan.." and put everyone (especially the poor child) in a really uncomfortable position.
She texts day and night, when the kids are or aren't there.
"He had 3 pairs of navy socks going and two coming back. Do you even care about the welfare of your children. I'll let you get back to your GIRLFRIEND"

Bumsnet2021 · 23/12/2020 10:01

@dottiedodah

She is still their DM and as such finds it hard to "let go" I think.No matter how much people will say she has to move on and build a new life ,it will be very difficult for her. Epoch time has it right in that they are a combination of your DP and his wife .Hopefully in time if you have DC then this will become less uncomfortable for you .When you marry a man with a family ,you are in effect marrying a Father with all the responsibilities that carries Im afraid.

“Finds it hard” “very difficult for her”

Unlucky! She instigated the separation and he has since moved on and found happiness. She needs to get over it the same as I would imagine he had to get over her decision to split the family they had created and create a situation not of his choosing where he doesn’t see as much of his kids as he would like.

Maybe the ex should let op and her partner have the kids full time for a while so she can move on and build her own life?

Bumsnet2021 · 23/12/2020 10:02

@CB1320

She will ring the children (more than once) midway through a movie, knowing where they are. She will arrive at the school at the same time as one of us, saying "Oh change of plan.." and put everyone (especially the poor child) in a really uncomfortable position. She texts day and night, when the kids are or aren't there. "He had 3 pairs of navy socks going and two coming back. Do you even care about the welfare of your children. I'll let you get back to your GIRLFRIEND"

Court and no contact.

You can pussyfoot around her forever but until you do that it won’t change.

Two very simple options.

1 put up with it
2 court

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 10:03

Thank you @MasterMargarita. The separation and divorce has been financially crippling on him. Merely because of all the back and forth, with solicitors and letters.
More control tactics.
He wasn't jumping from her bed to mine, as some have assumed.

peboh · 23/12/2020 10:08

Op how does your partner feel about all this? It's fine and dandy posters saying to take her to court etc, but that's only going to work if he wants that. I'm not trying to be nasty but as frustrating as it is to you, you really don't get a say in her relationship with her children even if it is affecting yours, the only thing you could do if he isn't in agreement is leave, because for as long as they have children together she will never not be around.

CB1320 · 23/12/2020 10:10

He has offered so many solutions, week on/week off etc.
She says she is exhausted and needs rest, we offer to take the children (without hesitation) and she refuses. Even gets her elderly parents to babysit the boys, because she knows that upsets my OH.
He doesn't want to come between the kids and their mother, but he would love more time with them.

NewlyGranny · 23/12/2020 10:11

Three words:

Our. Family. Wizard.

Bumsnet2021 · 23/12/2020 10:11

@peboh

Op how does your partner feel about all this? It's fine and dandy posters saying to take her to court etc, but that's only going to work if he wants that. I'm not trying to be nasty but as frustrating as it is to you, you really don't get a say in her relationship with her children even if it is affecting yours, the only thing you could do if he isn't in agreement is leave, because for as long as they have children together she will never not be around.

Good point. I was assuming the the dad was as unhappy as op.

If he is is the take her to court. If he is happy as things are you need to leave or just accept it as things will never change