Husband doing nothing to help at Christmas.

[pjsrock2020]

I know there are more important things in the world right now, but does anyone else's husband do fuck all to prepare for Christmas. Feeling exhausted and pissed off. He's always useless at Christmas but this year he's even more useless. If I say anything he accuses me of nagging and it turns into an argument. He knows none of the presents I've bought for our children, nor the presents I've bought for his children (my dsc) and he doesn't seem to care either. I've thought of what to buy, wrapped everything and sorted everything. The final straw came yesterday when I'd been and got my Christmas food shop (took ages, had to queue for 20 minutes to get in etc) and was so relieved it was over, then he got in from work and opened a load of it like a child. When I said to him but that was for Christmas he got really moody with me and said I knew you'd moan, like I was moody and unreasonable. I'm doing all the housework to get the house ready and all of the food preparation.
Is it too much to actually want him to do stuff as well? I actually work more hours than him too! Feeling utterly exhausted and pissed off. Feel like telling him to shove it all up his arse!

Why are you buying for his children? Why couldn't he do it?

no it isnt too much - why dont you tell him?

Why on earth are you buying presents that he knows nothing about for his children?

I suspect this is one of those situations where his ex was a "bitch" according to him, you wanted to avoid the label so auditioned hard as a wonderful carer and house elf and now the role has stuck.

Stop doing things for him. And the word 'nagging' is misogynist and not tolerated in my house. It shouldn't be in yours either. It's just a way for lazy men to stop women talking about their needs.

I not know any men like this in real life and can’t imagine many women tolerating it. We have a traditional split usually, so I do lots of food shopping etc but he does beyond his fair share in other ways.
He does all ‘ big present’ sorting. Lots of wrapping (or outsources it), fetches and puts up tree and checks lights etc. He does most of Christmas cards and all the ‘envelopes’ for dustmen, driver, postman etc.
Do a job list and share them out.

What was he like last Christmas?

Your behaviour is enabling him, tell him to grow up and be really firm. It's not nagging it's expecting him to be a reasonable adult.

Have you explained to him why you ‘nag’ (hate that word too!) has it always been this way? He’s probably thinking why is it a problem now as he’s used to you always doing everything.

He needs to do his share, you should be a team! Ask him why he expects you to do it all?! It’s totally unfair

My husbands exactly the same

But that’s more me not letting him. Than him not wanting too. Ha. I love Christmas soooooo much. I love doing it all.

My husband has no idea what I’ve brought this year. He’s not seen it at all. But then he works 15 he days right now. So he works and eats and sleeps. He can do up to 18 he days. He likes to just relax sometimes.

I think you need to tell him what he needs to do and then leave him to it; I don’t buy presents for DHs family and when I’m working (currently on maternity leave) we do the Christmas food shop together.

DH wraps up his present to me and writes my card. That about covers it.

It's always been a bit of a problem and, if I'm being honest, I know I'm a bit shit by not being more assertive. I don't like conflict and struggle to deal with it. Him not doing anything has become more and more of a problem this year and if I do say anything he just gets annoyed with me and ignores it. So I end up doing it or else it doesn't get done.
This Christmas is becoming the final straw for me though.
Just wondered what other husbands were like with regards to doing stuff, especially at Christmas/family celebrations etc.

Me and DP do things 50/50. We do the food shop together and I buy and wrap presents for my family and he does same for his. He loves cooking so does most of it to be honest.

It does sound like he’s got used to you doing it all but if you don’t have a open and honest chat about it things will just continue as they are. He needs to stop ignoring you and listen to what you are saying. It doesn’t have to be a confrontational thing, just explain to him how you are feeling and you need the two of you to be more of a team rather than you doing everything.

Also if things only get done if you do them then stop doing them! That’s what I would do to make my point! 😂 he needs to stop relying on you to do everything, he is a grown man and perfectly capable of doing his share

What do you mean "I feel like telling him to shove it up his arse?" The whole problem is that you never have. I'm not blaming you here OP but no, not all men are like this. Many, many share the load equally. You really need to stand up to him, with the real threat of splitting if he doesn't respond. Any idea why he split with his first wife?

My DH is doing all the food & cooking, we did the online shop together. We both bought presents for DC which I'll wrap (he'll wrap his presents for me though). Both do the housework. I sent cards to my side of the family, he didn't send any to his family, his choice. I decorated the house because I enjoy it but he helped me get the tree. I think it's pretty even.

Currently I'm enjoying gluhwein (made by him) and stollen bites whilst feeding the baby and he's on the PlayStation

My H always comes and gets the tree and carries it home with the kids. Then decorates it because we have the lights in first/last argument and it transpires I don't care enough even if he's wrong (they should go on last surely so you can weave between other decorations?)
We discuss presents for all doesn't necessarily mean he buys them but if I say I'm all out of ideas we brain storm.
He decides meat order. I don't eat it.
Will happily do click and collect or go shop with a list.
Will drive to pick up anything as long as instructions are clear.
Sorts out all online gaming accounts or whatever needs doing.
Plays any board game we tell him!
I don't work ATM so don't expect him to decorate, food shop, cook, clean.
But I do expect him to be a dad. Which he wants to be.
And I send links for presents for me because he has tried to buy surprises before and it doesn't work out I am a big girl and buy what I need when I need it. I'm also much better at presents.
So he does what needs doing if asked or if it's being a dad. He works many hours a week.

I can talk to him honestly about anything so that helps.

More fool you.
Find one that is useful, is my only advice.
Or stop doing anything for him.

Oh and he just says "of course we need more fairy lights" when I buy new ones!

Yet another useless fucker and a martyred wife doing everything. If you don't want this life then dump the twat. How you can have any respect for him yet alone open your legs for him?

We're about 50/50. I pick up stocking fillers in the months leading up to the day, he prices up and buys the main/expensive stuff. We both wrap. I buy all the non-perishable treats in the lead up, he does the main food shop. He cooks and sorts the dishwasher on the day but I'll spend a few days beforehand cleaning, tidying and changing beds and doing laundry etc. I usually sort all the Christmas cards but haven't bothered at all this year.

Then you stop, just stop. This used to me. I knew DH would be shit and I hated to think of people thinking poorly of him when cards weren't posted or presents bought but then i just thought, fuck it, he doesn't appreciate me and neither does his family. His DSS being utterly vile to me didn't help either. So I just stopped. DsS won't be visiting because DH hasn't organised it, nor will be receive anything in post (he has gifts but no one has coordinated posting it, his parents gifts are crap but I have bought something nice from DD, I have made sure all the nice food I want is in. No one will die. People may moan but so what. Thats between them and DH - DSS is about to then 17 so I should be able to leave him and DH to it.

You can always see why they are someone else's ex.

What a useless bellend. But why do you put up with it?

Dh and I each do our own cards and gifts for family. I like to buy the DVDs pressies but h buys some. We share wrapping and meal planning. This year he will cook Xmas dinner. Normally he helps prep but I cook.

You need to talk to him. Why does he think it's ok for you to do it all?? He sounds like such a selfish, entitled tit that he might not want to change, so I hope you can come to terms wirh that - or move on.

Stop doing everything.

When he asks "where are DSCs gifts" the answer is "wherever you put them when you bought them".

When he asks "why is there no XYZ item of Christmas food" the answer is "because you didn't buy any".

And so on.

He's never going to do anything if you keep doing it for him. You deserve a chance to relax and enjoy Christmas too. Everything shouldn't be your responsibility, and you shouldn't feel bad (or be made to feel bad) if you don't pick up the slack on his behalf.

Thank you for your comments everyone. You're making me feel like I'm right to be feeling the way I do. It just seems to have gradually slowly got worse over the years, but now I know I don't want to live like this anymore.
Think I need to stop for a while and have a think about what to do.

If you're truly fed up with him and want things to change, then firstly you need to change what you do and don't do.

I'd be writing him a list of jobs to do for Xmas and a job of jobs you're doing for Xmas. Then sit him down and say that unless he wants this to be your last Xmas as a couple, he needs to grow up and do his fair share of the work.

How he reacts to this will tell you all you need to know about how important you are to him............he'll either

1. Say, OK, I see your point, I'm sorry. I'll get started on my list.....(he loves and respects you)
2. Say , I knew you were going to nag me about this ! Don't you understand that I work hard to provide for you ! and you're so ungrateful ! No-one else's wife nags them like you do ! I don't know why I put up with you !....................(he doesn't give a flying fuck about you or your feelings)

It's up to you to decide what you want to do after that,( or rather, how much you're willing to put up with before you're finally done with him )