Husband doing nothing to help at Christmas.

[pjsrock2020]

I know there are more important things in the world right now, but does anyone else's husband do fuck all to prepare for Christmas. Feeling exhausted and pissed off. He's always useless at Christmas but this year he's even more useless. If I say anything he accuses me of nagging and it turns into an argument. He knows none of the presents I've bought for our children, nor the presents I've bought for his children (my dsc) and he doesn't seem to care either. I've thought of what to buy, wrapped everything and sorted everything. The final straw came yesterday when I'd been and got my Christmas food shop (took ages, had to queue for 20 minutes to get in etc) and was so relieved it was over, then he got in from work and opened a load of it like a child. When I said to him but that was for Christmas he got really moody with me and said I knew you'd moan, like I was moody and unreasonable. I'm doing all the housework to get the house ready and all of the food preparation.
Is it too much to actually want him to do stuff as well? I actually work more hours than him too! Feeling utterly exhausted and pissed off. Feel like telling him to shove it all up his arse!

He seems like a man child that believes your job is everything he doesn't want to do... it's deep seated misogyny.

This is the first year DH has had very little involvement in the DC presents and the youngest is 15!!! He usually does 90% off the wrapping and just as likely to do the food shop.

We both work and we both have equal leisure time.

@RandomMess That is exactly true!! He does the (very few) things that he wants to do and everything else is just left!

Also, I just looked up the word misogyny and that sounds spot on too.

I cannot understand why specimens like this are still getting women to shag and marry them. The mind boggles. What on earth is appealing about these pathetic, foot stamping, dependent failures?! They always end up with multiple wives, too. And they’re so open and blatant about their contemptuous behaviour.

I couldn't respect or fancy any man who can't be bothered to buy his own children a present at Christmas.

Makes you wonder why his first marriage really ended...

No doubt parenting his DC has always been your job and he did a few Disney bits!

Urgh.
I don't get it, sorry its not a helpful comment but I don't understand how after the first Christmas you were together this wasn't a deal breaker because I guarantee this isn't a christmas only thing!
But in answer to your wondering what other husbands do...
Mine sorts all presents for his side of the family, so that's his kids, parents, aunt, nan, cousins kids, me, then he also buys something for each of my kids and also our dgd.
I buy for my side of the family so that's him, my kids, something for his kids, my siblings, 2 aunties, nieces and nephew and our dgd.
We do the big food shop together and make an evening of it, go out for dinner etc.
He solo sorts the cheese board, it's a very big deal in our family!
We cook the meal together. We clear up together.
I do a bit more of the little bits of shopping as I'm off work in the holidays and he isn't.
50/50 in every single way.

This is normal surely? I don't know any couples like you describe. My dad was a bit crap at all this stuff because my mum let him be, it made her very very resentful eventually.

I gave my ex one job one Christmas. To post the neighbours cards through their doors. He went apeshit because he had cut his finger so couldn’t possibly. Never spoke to me for hours. That was our last Christmas together! Lazy useless feck

Just stop doing everything, let him know though otherwise he'll use that as an excuse that he didn't know he was supposed to be doing stuff.
If he's eaten some of the food you'd bought for Christmas tell him it needs replacing and for the long run definitely stop fulfilling his responsibilities.
Its not going to be easy but nor is living the way you do now.
He either pitches in or you'll continue losing all respect for him and your relationship is over

It’s not just Christmas, tho, is it, OP? I bet you do the vast majority of the mental load, organise the dsc coming over, change bedding for them, buy nice stuff for them to eat every time they’re at yours? You’ve set this up, OP, time to start handing over to him. Stop doing everything, it’s crazy. Have you ever spoken to his ex about why they split up?

@cherrysoup
The funny thing is, this past year I have become quite friendly with his ex.
My dh won't speak to her as she was the one who finished their relationship. One of their dc has mental health issues and I try to support her as much as I can as I feel like it's not fair for her to deal with that by herself and the stress that goes with it. Therefore, we have become friends. We don't often speak about my dh as in what went wrong in their relationship, but lately she has said a few things and a lot of the issues were the same things that I'm struggling with now. It's certainly different from what he told me.

Keep the ex, ditch the man.

Of course his story is different. Telling the truth about his slack ways wouldn't get him a new skivvy.
2nd you keep the xW and ditch the H.

If women just did what men did, which is what suits them and nothing else, I think we'd all be happier. Do we really think the world's a better place because someone's gone around posting cards into each of their neighbour's letterboxes? Because someone's handcrafted a wreath?

@pjsrock2020 I'm sorry to say that I am not amazed at this. Leopards don't change their spots. 😢

@RantyAnty

Of course his story is different. Telling the truth about his slack ways wouldn't get him a new skivvy. 2nd you keep the xW and ditch the H.

Amen.

I actually work more hours than him too!

^I was waiting for that line. No wonder you're shattered and angry. I'd be making him do lots of stuff from now on till the NY to make up for all that crap. And if he doesn't shape up I'd be seriously considering your future.

On a somewhat different topic, I have occasionally thought of getting ready meals for xmas day after past christmasses. Havent' quite managed it yet as I am a bit of a greedy foodie. But all the stress, cooking, shopping, steamy heat in the kitchen, alcohol exhaustion and stress, hmm ... maybe a complete ready type meal situation next year? No presents, I'm too old for presents though and don't want any more "stuff".

If women just did what men did, which is what suits them and nothing else, I think we'd all be happier*

Interesting point Guinea

A good New Year's resolution perhaps?

We go out and buy presents together and separately.
I do all the wrapping.
We both do the food shop .
I do the Christmas table .
We both do the prep of the food Xmas eve .
And muck in together to cook it all .

Your dh needs a Xmas m.o.t hes failing badly .

We’ve had a blow up today for exactly the same thing. Next year is going to be very different! I feel for you OP.

@pjsrock2020 he’s being useless. DH purchased and wrapped up all his presents - also buying all his own paper and cello tape. He wrote out all Christmas cards (around 20) and posted them. We did the shop together. I was off today so I blitz cleaned the house and he then made dinner and ran me a nice bath complete with candles & Prosecco . He then sorted out all the washing while I relaxed and watched a Christmas movie.

Neither of us are stressed as we split the load. I wouldn’t tolerate your DH behaviour.

Mine is the same, but he put the tree and lights up.

Doesn’t buy gifts, not interested at all.

Doesn’t buy for his family, so I buy them one gift and send it.

They address their Christmas card to only him ..

Delightful

He sounds useless and nasty. I’m sure you know not all husbands are like this and lots of them play an equal part in family life. Don’t put up with one who’s like this. You’re setting an awful example to all of the children in the picture.

@StopPiggies

If women just did what men did, which is what suits them and nothing else, I think we'd all be happier*

Interesting point Guinea

A good New Year's resolution perhaps?

This 🙂

I was you until about 5 years ago and I snapped, I literally snapped.. I started thing about it all, everything the working, the hours the mental load the Christmas the holidays the effort I'd go to for his birthdays vs what he would do for me etc.

I drove home one day just sobbing and didn't stop for 2 days on and off and it was amazing like a fog had lifted and he just sat and listened to me.

Unfortunately it was too late, I'm still married to him but I simply don't love him the way I did, I had no respect, he wasn't my team player or partner he'd been using me for years.

What I have now is on the outside this amazing husband who does everything we spilt the load everything is equal we live a nice life my stress is reduced.

But we have zero passion that died on that day for me. So I'm in limbo, a happy easy nice limbo but for now I just wanted to share that I understand and I feel you may snap as well, nobody can carry on like you are.