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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU? Waiting to be ‘proposed to’ is patriarchal, mysoginistic bullshit put on us by the system.

110 replies

Sparky888 · 21/12/2020 21:10

As adults, why are women expected to ‘wait until they are asked’ by the person they share their life with?

It’s a structure designed to keep women in their place (or any person wanting to progress with seriously long-term commitment).

What other structure as an adult requires us to wait until a another adult, who we share our life and plans with, to ‘ask us’?

How do we still accept this is as a normal-ish part of being an adult woman. ?

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 21/12/2020 21:12

Completely agree. I hate the way one adult has the power to bestow security on another.

samyeagar · 21/12/2020 21:16

Fortunately, women don't have to "wait until they are asked" if they don't want to, or even participate at all.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/12/2020 21:17

YANBU!!!
I didn't and wouldn't have done that. I think it's pathetic tbh.

Gwenhines · 21/12/2020 21:19

I didn't.

Jjjayfee · 21/12/2020 21:21

Oh I so agree. I am an older woman and wish all the nonsense about proposals and engagements would be rejected by young couples today. If men and women are equal you should decide together what future you want.

Empressofthemundane · 21/12/2020 21:23

Don’t wait! Have a conversation about what you want. If he’s not on the same page, move on and keep looking.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2020 21:26

Yanbu at all

I also find it really annoying when women on here post and say they do want to get married but want him to ask, not to discuss it, they couldn't possibly propose to him. Princess weddings should be for 5 year olds. Hmm

Original poster
Sparky888 · 21/12/2020 21:28

I should have said - I agree, and didn’t ‘wait’. But I just find it absolutely astonishing that this is still a normal part of our (UK anyway) culture. Not sure why it just struck me that it is pointless, and weighted all for the usual power structure. I have plenty of friends who still talk about waiting.
Urgh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparky888 · 21/12/2020 21:29

It should be a red flag, that if you can’t discuss marriage and what you both want from it, it’s a VERY bad sign!

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 21/12/2020 21:33

The entire system is patriarchal and misogynistic. From top to bottom, including marriage - the necessity of which depends purely on our laws which allow men to abuse and walk away from women and children at will, with marriage being the only legal mechanism other than the joke which is CMS to beg a Judge for financial support and/or a share of assets.

It's the entire system.

AnnaMagnani · 21/12/2020 21:33

I didn't wait. When we first had a discussion about getting married, and it was apparent it was what we both wanted, we planned a wedding.

However I do agree having seen the number of women on here who believe themselves to be engaged, are in very vulnerable financial positions, and are increasingly desperate as they hang on for any sign of a wedding date sometimes years later. Or say they have agreed to get married but are still waiting for a proposal Confused

thecapitalsunited · 21/12/2020 21:33

I agree and I didn’t wait. We had a conversation about what we both wanted and when we realised that we both wanted marriage we agreed that we would get married and that was that. Well he did try to get on his knee but I told him not to be so daft and we carried on with our night.

There was no asking of my dad either but I know of loads of people who think it’s somehow disrespectful not to ask parents of the bride (never the groom) for permission as if she somehow belongs to her father. Blerg. The giving away of the bride makes me feel similarly ill so we walked in to the register office together.

WhatzTheCraic · 21/12/2020 21:33

@shoxfordian "Princess weddings should be for 5 year olds". Definitely quote of the day!

(completely agree)

anniegun · 21/12/2020 21:35

There is nothing to stop women having a discussion with their partner about this. This is entirely a self inflicted problem

Newgirls · 21/12/2020 21:36

Strong agree

So out of date now. Not fair on either partner really - pressure for one and weird lack of power for the other

Hercules12 · 21/12/2020 21:37

completely agree

FaintlyMacabre · 21/12/2020 21:42

Agree- and what I find even worse is the staged proposal where everyone but the person being proposed to knows what’s about to happen. I hate the idea that other people know more about your major life event than you do. Having said that I’ve no idea if this is just an American TV thing or actually happens in real life.

Lottapianos · 21/12/2020 21:43

Hard agree OP. Proposals are gross, ditto engagements, name changing, being 'given away' and loads of other stuff to do with marriage. Yes, I know you can get married without any of that guff but most people still seem to want the guff. I know hardly any women who didnt take on their husband's last name when they got married

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 21/12/2020 21:43

IS this normal?

I do not know anyone who languishes /d about waiting to be proposed to.

Or anyone who was involved in 'a proposal' .

Surely most couples start and talk about it and the conversation grows and then a plan?

And men don't 'have power' to do this. If any woman hangs her security on the chance of waiting for his to 'propose' more fool her.

It is 2020. Please.

Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 21/12/2020 21:46

I agree and asking someone on a date why is it always the men that do it. Very sexist like expecting a big diamond ring.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 21/12/2020 21:48

Oh, god, the 'asking permission'.
Coy jokes about name changing and 'Mr and Mrs' .

Women I know don't change their names, unless both they and their partners go double barrelled equally. Or they just don't change.

I can't stand the nauseating wedding rituals and sexist presumptions in the 'banter' and 'witty speeches' by men, natch.

There can be lovely weddings where all the patriarchal and archaic naff stuff is stripped out though, and an equal ceremony and happy day can be had. IMO and to my taste, of course. Some people love the old fashioned 'traditional' stuff.

Meredithgrey1 · 21/12/2020 21:54

YANBU, but I don’t know anyone who is waiting to be asked.
DH and I discussed it, there was no proposal as such.
Amongst our friends there are three committed couples we are close enough to to know, and in none of them is the woman waiting. They’ve all discussed when they are likely to get married

YouShouldLeave · 21/12/2020 21:59

I feel like that about marriage itself, proposal isin’t a big deal.
But everyone knows the history of marriages and still chooses that.

And even crazier, taking the husbands name, never seizes to make me uneasy!

catsarethebestestanimals · 21/12/2020 22:03

I agree, but I don't know anyone in real life like this. While some girls may want a 'traditional proposal' so they can post pictures on Instagram it's never a complete surprise... as the date/time etc has normally already been discussed beforehand

samyeagar · 21/12/2020 22:10

@catsarethebestestanimals

I agree, but I don't know anyone in real life like this. While some girls may want a 'traditional proposal' so they can post pictures on Instagram it's never a complete surprise... as the date/time etc has normally already been discussed beforehand
Yeah, my daughter wanted a proposal. She planned it all out for her husband to be just how she wanted it in glorious minute detail.