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Relationships
Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5
Bluebellforest1 · 21/12/2020 11:04
Bluebellforest1 · 14/07/2022 19:01
@TheSnootiestFox
me too, I’ve had loads of posts deleted. I’ve been here since the very start.
I really can’t understand why anyone who is not married to, or in a relationship with, someone with ASC would want to be on this thread. If you haven’t experienced it, stay out.
I don’t engage with threads about newborns, breastfeeding, contraception, sex in general. I wouldn’t want to impose my 1980/90’s parenting experiences on today’s parents.
i expect this to be deleted!
SpringerLink · 25/07/2022 23:12
@Haffiana I can't generalise about what people say on here, but people can post offensive generalisation about autism. And that's somehow and ok generalisation to you?
And no, I haven't had a partner with ASD, but I have been and am again a partner with ASD. And I live with family members with ASD, and I work with people with ASD. I've also been in the position that many people on here are, where they are led to think their partner has ASD, and that this is somehow an excuse or reason for pretty much everything wrong in the relationship. It's not.
It really doesn't seem that people come on here to learn, just to complain and be validated. See how aggressive the response is if someone dares to suggest that maybe ASD isn't the reason, and maybe the tropes on this thread aren't actually true or helpful. That's not exactly open-minded.
SpringerLink · 25/07/2022 21:18
I've dithered about replying to this, but here goes. Just in case you genuinely do wonder why some people are on this thread who you think shouldn't be
I found this series of threads years ago when I was trying to understand my relationship to my exH, and a counselor we were seeing suggested that he might be autistic and that might be the root of some problems. I really recognized a lot of the behaviours in him that people in this thread attribute to their partners having ASD. What I didn't recognize in the description of people's complaints about their partners was a reflection of me, which is odd because I am autistic.
My exH went on to be assessed for ASD, which he does not have. However, he did display a lot of the behaviour that people on here attribute to ASD. He was selfish, couldn't see the why he should try to compromise or meet my needs, didn't pay attention to the DC, insisted on everyone living their life to facilitate him, lacked empathy, etc. The thing I came to realise is that these are not traits of autism or caused by people's partners having ASD.
On any thread on here in the relationship section and the divorce section, you will see (mostly women) complain about partners who are like this. The thing these (mostly men) partners have on common is that they are abusive, selfish, inconsiderate d*cks. People behave like this, ASD or not. And ASD is not the cause in most cases.
So yes, lots of autistic people find this thread deeply offensive because it's full of people that link all sorts of awful, abusive behaviour in relationships to autism. But that's not accurate, and it feels like an attack on a part of my being that is integral to who I am.
Conflating lack of theory of mind with lack of empathy is offensive. Conflating antisocial personality disorder with ASD is offensive. Suggesting that abusive behaviour in many relationships stems from ASD is offensive. The number of people who refer to their partner's awful behaviour as evidence that the partner had "undiagnosed" ASD is offensive.
It's also utterly baffling why people on here complain so bitterly about their partners and yet stay with them. I look at lots of posts and want to just ask why you stay and put up with abuse? Why do you think you're worth so little? Why are you so willing to excuse behaviour that's unacceptable. ASD (if it even is ASD) isn't an excuse to be abusive. It's not an excuse to treat others badly. It doesn't mean you ignore direct information about how your behaviour impacts others.
So, I guess in summary, some people are here because they find threads like this that spread and perpetuate negative stereotypes and myths about ASD should be challenged and reported. And some of us came here hoping for support and enlightenment, and ended up just being shocked and appalled instead - so still occasionally report the worst, most offensive comments.
But mostly I just ignore the threads now, because I don't think people are here to try to understand, just to try to complain and seek validation for their own perspective.
Bluebellforest1 · 14/07/2022 19:01
@TheSnootiestFox
me too, I’ve had loads of posts deleted. I’ve been here since the very start.
I really can’t understand why anyone who is not married to, or in a relationship with, someone with ASC would want to be on this thread. If you haven’t experienced it, stay out.
I don’t engage with threads about newborns, breastfeeding, contraception, sex in general. I wouldn’t want to impose my 1980/90’s parenting experiences on today’s parents.
i expect this to be deleted!
Daftasabroom · 29/07/2022 15:24
@SpidersAreShitheads @SpringerLink @SquirrelSoShiny there are some common elements on this thread.
Most of us have been with our partners for a very long time, usually decades. We love and deeply care for them. We also recognise that they are genuinely good people, and it's very rare that words abuse and empathy are used by posters, except yourselves of course.
Some of the partners are also ND.
Many of us also have ASC children.
The relationship between long term partners is, usually, unique. But there is an undeniable dynamic between us and our ASC partners. A dynamic of minimisation, dismissiveness, neglect and misunderstanding that without a hint irony you also adopt.
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