When you have children does it matter if you are happy in your relationship or not?

[Boxesandbiros]

What I mean is - should the dc take precedence totally over my own unhappiness? Married for 18 years and now 38. It’s ok, I mean the dc would be shocked if we split because we don’t fight but we live very separate lives.
We never have sex - it’s been over a year now and it’s often been 4 years or more. Dh rarely mentions it but goes through stages of being more pushy. I don’t want sex with him. It’s never been very good. He’s always refused to give oral sex, which is of course up to him, but there’s been nothing in its place. It’s basically straight into full sex. He says stuff that makes me feel uneasy - dd shouted through this morning ‘can I get up now?’ and he rubbed against me from behind and said ‘when am I going to get it up you.’ He also says ‘when can I get my end away?’ and other things that make me feel uneasy but I think that if I wanted to sleep with him it would probably be fine.
I feel my choices are to stay and have sex I really don’t want or leave and ruin my children’s lives. I know - I know I should just go with the first option because i know once you have children your own happiness shouldn’t matter anymore but I’m really struggling with it.

It matters. You are modelling relationships for your children, so if you show them putting up with unhappiness for the sake of the kids, that's what they'll learn is normal. Would you want that for them?

That's not necessarily to say pack it in, but modelling the social skills of recognising there's an issue and finding ways to solve it, like communication, therapy etc would be more positive than just putting up with it for the sake of the kids.

I don’t want to sleep with him - I don’t think that will change. For me it’s never been there, I’ve never been attracted to him. How can I get bad something that’s never been there to begin with?

Divorce doesn't ruin children's lives. It's not the idyllic outcome, but if well-handled can work out well. It's a false dichotomy to say I have to stay and have unwanted sex or destroy everybody's lives.

And yes, your happiness matters. Would you want your daughter to stay in a marriage where they're unhappy and having to do sexual things they don't want to?

I know it's not the point, but why on earth did you marry a man you've never been attracted to?

Because I was stupid. I didn’t have much self esteem.

How old are your DC?

He sounds gross. Don’t blame you for not wanting to sleep with him. Yes it’s important to have a happy relationship to model for your children

Of course your happiness matters.
You think your children would prefer you miserable?
It's harder to be a good parent when you are deeply deeply unhappy.

Speaking as someone who left my child's dad when she was 7, of course your happiness matters. As others have said, the kids will sense something is wrong and you don't want them believing that this is what they should expect from a relationship.

You can't carry on being unhappy. Your kids will grow up and leave home and then you may find it's too late to find happiness elsewhere.

Stepping outside your own situation I think it’s a question of degree of unhappiness rather than an either/or situation. There’s a world of difference between someone in an abusive relationship - who should definitely get out - and someone who’s gutted they can’t shag their cute gym instructor who’s started giving them the eye because, you know, marriage vows or feeling pissed off because the kids mean your partner no longer makes you the centre of attention. The former is often used to excuse the latter though.

Your relationship does admittedly sound not particularly healthy though!

Of course it matters.
You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to see what a healthy relationship looks like.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Why would it ruin your children’s lives? I split with the kids dad when they were 2 & 4, best thing I did all round. Kids are happy and settled, I’m happier, he’s happier.

You could leave after Xmas, new year new start! You're obviously massively unhappy. What's your housing situation, rent or own? If you asked him to leave would he?

Of course your happiness matters! My parents are divorced and I much prefer that over them living miserable together. Plus I wouldn’t have my stepdad and (half) sister in my life if they weren’t. Divorce is hard but it’s not life ruining.

I don't know. You admit this is the situation you chose. It seems rather unfair to everyone else in the family you've built to say, "Yeah actually I was never into this, bye."

But being unhappy is no way to live. I guess I'd take into consideration how difficult splitting would be. Would your DH go peacefully? Do you think your children would ultimately understand? Are you going to be ok financially, or would your children's standard of living take a big drop?

I don't think there is an inherently right or wrong answer. You know all the people involved and we don't. I do find it very helpful to really (and I mean in depth) play through scenarios in my head. I find this can give me clarity, and reveal emotions that I haven't truly acknowledged before.

I know Rogers.
I was very young though.

I think if you really dont think you can work it out its better to make plans to end it. You were young when you got together and we often grow up in different ways and change. Can you support yourself? How old are the DCs? So much to think about.

Out of interest, is your H a similar age to you or significantly older? I’ve noticed in a lot of these types of threads, the H is quite a lot older than the W.

Either way, there are huge numbers of posts on here from adults who wish their unhappy parents had split rather than staying together for the children. Clinical psychotherapist Prof Tanya Byron (does a fab podcast with Claudia Winkleman) said in one of her sessions that children do better raised by two amicably co-parenting parents than in an unhappy marriage. Remember your marriage will be your children’s model.

Of course it matters. The state of your marriage and your own unhappiness are bound to affect your dc to sone extent anyway. Would you want your children to think that enduring a lifetime in a miserable marriage is a good thing to do?

'Get it up you'??

Wow. He's a real charmer isn't he!?

You made two big errors, marrying too young and going into an LTR with someone who is not sexually compatible with you. Refusing oral would be a red line for many people.

Divorce would not ruin your children's lives, there would be an impact of course but as others have said there would also be an impact on them if you stay in an unhappy relationship. Your DH does not sound like an ideal role model for them.

There is a difference between not being happy (or just content) and being unhappy. The former is where you would think about remaining together given the upheaval/upset it would cause your children, the latter is where you would think why should you stay together.

Children learn from the adults around them.

This especially applies to relationships. So yes being happy, affectionate, respectful, supportive, resolving conflicts, oh everything matters. Yes very much so.

If you are both not happy ultimately as your children grow they will know you are both not happy.
He is entitled to want sex (not be vulgar or pushy but desiring sex is not wrong) and you are entitled to tell him you no longer find him attractive and want to leave.

Divorce does not have to wreck your children's lives if you manage it correctly, it will be the better option for them in the long run than staying together unhappy.