When you have children does it matter if you are happy in your relationship or not?

[Boxesandbiros]

What I mean is - should the dc take precedence totally over my own unhappiness? Married for 18 years and now 38. It’s ok, I mean the dc would be shocked if we split because we don’t fight but we live very separate lives.
We never have sex - it’s been over a year now and it’s often been 4 years or more. Dh rarely mentions it but goes through stages of being more pushy. I don’t want sex with him. It’s never been very good. He’s always refused to give oral sex, which is of course up to him, but there’s been nothing in its place. It’s basically straight into full sex. He says stuff that makes me feel uneasy - dd shouted through this morning ‘can I get up now?’ and he rubbed against me from behind and said ‘when am I going to get it up you.’ He also says ‘when can I get my end away?’ and other things that make me feel uneasy but I think that if I wanted to sleep with him it would probably be fine.
I feel my choices are to stay and have sex I really don’t want or leave and ruin my children’s lives. I know - I know I should just go with the first option because i know once you have children your own happiness shouldn’t matter anymore but I’m really struggling with it.

I have tried before and he just gets angry and defensive so I just leave it. His job is high powered and high earning and so it beats mine.

You're not attracted to him
You don't want to have sex with him to the extent you cry during
He continues despite you crying during
You tell him you're unhappy
He gets angry and refuses to discuss it
You do all of the housework and childcare
He shows no interest in being part of a team
You are running around after him and the kids so much you don't eat with them sometimes
He doesn't offer to help or care that you aren't eating with them despite cooking
You're both showing your kids that women matter less than men
You're both showing your kids that men are entitled to treat women like shit

Do you really think this relationship would be fixed if you shagged him every week?

He is raping you. He absolutely is. Please call women's aid and talk to someone

You know, we are past the days of "you've made your bed...". Yeah, you did, but it's really uncomfortable and causing long term damage to your back, so you can get out of it and start again. You'd be daft not to.

It is strong to say that the OP is "at fault" but yes, she made a decision to enter the marriage when she was just grateful to have someone and she thought it would be ok.

It isn't.

You have spent 18 years in an unhappy marriage, you'd serve less time for many serious crimes. How much more of your one precious life are you going to sacrifice needlessly? Staying miserable will not make your children happy.

Speak to women's aid about how to leave safely.

I can understand how someone wants to have sex with their spouse. But having sex with someone unwilling and in tears has got to be a turn off, surely?

You wouldn't ruin your children's lives by leaving an unhappy relationship, you would both still be good parents to them and have a happy life independently. You would have peace of mind that noone is pestering you, and possibly open up a chance to be with someone you truly love and want to have sex with and he would have a chance of finding someone who wants to have sex with him.

My mother had spent a long time telling me no one would want to marry me.

^ and here you have a fine example about how parents can influence adult relationships (for the bad).
You don't want your kids' marriages to be like this! You want them to be happily settled with someone who is their best friend AND who they enjoy sex with.
Read a few of the many, many, many threads here where people in unhappy relationships say...

I thought this was normal. My parents weren't particularly happy. I didn't ever see any married couples who liked each other. I thought marrying some random person and being unhappy was what everyone did.

I'm not saying rush, I'm not saying don't plan, but for the sake of your children's future happiness please get yourself in a situation where you can show them yourself how to be happy.

Divorce lawyer, therapist for you, therapist for your kids.

@Lobsterquadrille2

I think your happiness is hugely important. My parents had a marriage that felt pretty unhappy to all their children but my mother had the attitude that marriage was for life, grit your teeth and put up with it and it lasted for 66 years, until my father died in fact. She would, if she spoke about such matters, say that she had sacrificed everything for her children and this could be true. It could also be coincidence that none of us has been able to form a long lasting, happy relationship and we are all pretty screwed up in different ways.

Yep, this. Exactly the same for my sisters and I. Staying together for the children is vastly overrated.

Yes, it is my fault. I was a bit pressured into the marriage but no one held a gun to my head.

Maybe. But we all have the right to decide that relationships, marriages are no longer for us. Or that they never were. Either way, we all have the right to end that relationship.

And of course it is not just "unhappy" it is abusive too, I agree with the people saying that.

You can't make others happy through your misery. It just doesn't work. You do have the power to show them how to be free though.

Working on your self esteem with a counsellor would be a good idea.

Your children are absorbing all the time, OP. They're learning that your marriage is the norm and they're learning how to replicate it for themselves.

@Boxesandbiros

I don’t want to sleep with him - I don’t think that will change. For me it’s never been there, I’ve never been attracted to him. How can I get bad something that’s never been there to begin with?

How did you end up marrying/ having children with this person?!

Girl, be honest with him. Buy him a naughty gift set for Xmas of vibrators etc. Do something! You must have some kind of fantasy, dress up, tie him up, whatever does it for you! Or even just make out with him, how can you just reside yourself to no sex/ lousy sex?
Let him know you need more foreplay, be vocal, tell him what you like. He’s obviously gagging for it, tell him he could get it regularly if you got pleasure from it to, this can be achieved though XYZ. Communicate!

@Boxesandbiros

Yes, it is my fault. I was a bit pressured into the marriage but no one held a gun to my head. I just need to be able to sleep with him and not get so upset. He’s happy enough at the moment. If I could manage to sleep with him every couple of weeks it would probably be fine.

Go see a sex therapist. Or any therapist. I do wonder if your husband particularly realises the extent of what’s going on in your head.

@Helpneededbyanoutsider.....jeez read the room!

@Helpneededbyanoutsider

Girl, be honest with him. Buy him a naughty gift set for Xmas of vibrators etc. Do something! You must have some kind of fantasy, dress up, tie him up, whatever does it for you! Or even just make out with him, how can you just reside yourself to no sex/ lousy sex?

He has sex with her while she cries, he doesn't stop when she starts crying. Not sure if you read OP's subsequent posts when she explains that.

That's not a man she should be attempting to sexually connect with in any way. His behaviour is disturbing at best and sexually coercive at worst.

I imagine her fantasy is a man who doesn't continue shagging her when she weeps because she doesn't want to be having sex with him.

This was me a couple of years ago. We hadn’t had sex for 6 years at that point. I told him it wasn’t working, he finally moved out at the beginning of this year. I’ve bought him out of the house and my divorce is in the process of being finalised.
Kids have coped well and we get on much better apart.
Do what is best for you.

It won’t be that way for us because he will be as difficult as possible and as unpleasant as possible.

It doesn't seem that you are ready to engage with people asking you to consider the damage this relationship is doing to your children.

The longer you stay, the more likely they are to replicate this relationship dynamic themselves as adults. Far more damaging than having divorced parents.

As I say, you seem resistant to acknowledging that and I appreciate it's difficult but I'm not sure what else anyone can say really which is such a shame as threads like this can be a huge support to people in such unhealthy relationships

I find it hard to weigh up the damage and what will cause the greater damage. It’s an unknown.

I was you 4 1/2 years ago. I married someone I shouldnt have, due to low self esteem and never fancied them. It was like living with my brother and we had spent 9 years in separate beds. Our DD was 5. She was sad initially but she can no longer remember a time when we were together.
My exH and I decided that our DD would come first and we've bit our tongue on many occasions, but my exH and I have a good enough relationship now, it's taken some years for the bitterness to stop, that we all went abroad on holiday this year and he's coming to mine for Christmas dinner.
I felt as though I'd learnt how a relationship should be from my mum and dad and theirs wasn't overly successful! I didnt want my DD to do the same. It was important to me that she did know how a good relationship should be. That's not happened, but I live in hope.
You and your children will be just fine if you get divorced. It is important to have happy parents and to put yourself first too.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Helpneededbyanoutsider

Girl, be honest with him. Buy him a naughty gift set for Xmas of vibrators etc. Do something! You must have some kind of fantasy, dress up, tie him up, whatever does it for you! Or even just make out with him, how can you just reside yourself to no sex/ lousy sex?

He has sex with her while she cries, he doesn't stop when she starts crying. Not sure if you read OP's subsequent posts when she explains that.

That's not a man she should be attempting to sexually connect with in any way. His behaviour is disturbing at best and sexually coercive at worst.

I imagine her fantasy is a man who doesn't continue shagging her when she weeps because she doesn't want to be having sex with him. [/quote]
I didn’t read the OPs other messages!!! Thought it was purely an attraction/ sexual drive issue.

[quote Eslteacher06]@Helpneededbyanoutsider.....jeez read the room![/quote]
When I posted, didn’t realise the full story. My bad! Xx

@Boxesandbiros

I find it hard to weigh up the damage and what will cause the greater damage. It’s an unknown.

Lots of people leave OP. Your not the only women and if you have been married since you were 20 it’s no shock that your marriage has run it’s course.

Someone asked previous do you feel well in yourself?

IMO you should leave.

Your children need to see you happy (and their father) as your relationship are the example that will be set to them.

No I feel pretty terrible. I am depressed and have been self harming. I think that’s the situation I’m in. I’m just so unhappy, but at least my children are happy and the mother part of me feels that’s the only thing that should matter.