When you have children does it matter if you are happy in your relationship or not?

[Boxesandbiros]

What I mean is - should the dc take precedence totally over my own unhappiness? Married for 18 years and now 38. It’s ok, I mean the dc would be shocked if we split because we don’t fight but we live very separate lives.
We never have sex - it’s been over a year now and it’s often been 4 years or more. Dh rarely mentions it but goes through stages of being more pushy. I don’t want sex with him. It’s never been very good. He’s always refused to give oral sex, which is of course up to him, but there’s been nothing in its place. It’s basically straight into full sex. He says stuff that makes me feel uneasy - dd shouted through this morning ‘can I get up now?’ and he rubbed against me from behind and said ‘when am I going to get it up you.’ He also says ‘when can I get my end away?’ and other things that make me feel uneasy but I think that if I wanted to sleep with him it would probably be fine.
I feel my choices are to stay and have sex I really don’t want or leave and ruin my children’s lives. I know - I know I should just go with the first option because i know once you have children your own happiness shouldn’t matter anymore but I’m really struggling with it.

He is of course entitled to expect sex in a marriage. I feel guilty that I don’t want it.
He’s 11 years older. I married because I thought it was my only chance. My mother had spent a long time telling me no one would want to marry me.
I realise I’ve messed up everyone’s lives.

@Boxesandbiros

I don’t want to sleep with him - I don’t think that will change. For me it’s never been there, I’ve never been attracted to him. How can I get bad something that’s never been there to begin with?

How old are your children? Why did you go on to have children? You need to be honest and tell DH how you feel. It’s not your kids choice it’s yours OP and I think they will eventually gather that their parents lead very separate lives.

My next door neighbour as a child were exactly like this they were both great parents. The mother used to go out all the time.. on holiday alone with their child. It was all a bit odd.

I realise I’ve messed up everyone’s lives.
Stop being dramatic. Sorry, but this is not the end of the world, and life could and will go on if you break up the marriage. The children will adapt, your husband would likely find someone new in time, and so would you.

Change happens. You only get one life to live.

Your mum did a number on you and your self-esteem is shot, don't let her make you waste more of your life in an unhappy situation.

You'll just drag everybody into misery. Let him go and find someone who wants to have sex with him. Let yourself go and find someone you'll be happy with.

There is a little part of me that worries he would harm the children to spite me.
Is that a normal concern to have?

@category12

I realise I’ve messed up everyone’s lives. Stop being dramatic. Sorry, but this is not the end of the world, and life could and will go on if you break up the marriage. The children will adapt, your husband would likely find someone new in time, and so would you.

Change happens. You only get one life to live.

Your mum did a number on you and your self-esteem is shot, don't let her make you waste more of your life in an unhappy situation.

This.

You're doing more damage to the kids by showing them that this is what a relationship looks like.

You're also catastrophising to the point you're being a martyr at the expense of not just yourself but people around you, including the children.

My parents had a tense, affectionless, awkward marriage that meant everyone walked on eggshells and felt insecure. They later told me they stayed together 'for me' until I was 18. I simultaneously felt sad for them, guilty and also angry that they left me with no understanding that a healthy relationship can and should be fun, loving, affectionate and happy. It took me years of therapy and mistakes to find a relationship that is all those things. It's definitely resulted in my now being early 30s and only just in a position to seriously start thinking about bringing a child into the world, despite wanting children throughout my twenties.

It's a horrible legacy to leave your kids with and as PP said, breaking up may feel like a huge deal and in many ways it is but life goes on. People divorce, are widowed, are single parents etc all the time and the world keeps turning. Break up, focus on coparenting and stop showing your children that a marriage looks like this. It shouldn't.

@Boxesandbiros

There is a little part of me that worries he would harm the children to spite me. Is that a normal concern to have?

Absolutely not and it is even more reason to not live under the same roof as someone you think would harm the children.

What has made you feel that way? Has he made threats or done it in other ways before?

If you feel that way it's horrific and you need to call womens aid and maybe also speak to your GP to get signposted to some support services because you need a plan of action to leave as safely as possible

I don’t know, it’s a nagging concern. It’s part of what’s kept me here.

@Boxesandbiros

I don’t know, it’s a nagging concern. It’s part of what’s kept me here.

I think you need to call women's aid and also speak to a solicitor to get some support with next steps. Do you feel able to do that this week maybe? Feeling a little more prepared will bolster your confidence - knowledge is power and at the moment you feel powerless

You have to work out if if being concerned about your husband hurting your kids is coming from you or from him. Are you well in yourself? Do you have people to talk to in real life?

How old are your kids?

13 and 5.

I don’t think you must have romantic love for raising a child together. It’s certainly easier and more fulfilling, but it’s not a necessity. If you can be friends or partners in your shared priority of creating a nurturing environment for your child, then I would not divorce just because the lust is gone. If you are fighting or there is constant tension between you, then that isn’t a good environment. Op, you have to decide what kind of situation you are in.

It’s not that the lust is gone, it was never there.
The only times I’ve slept with dh over last couple of years is when there’s been significant pressure - which is fair enough as he’s entitled to a sexual relationship - but I’ve cried during it and afterwards and felt absolutely dreadful. I do understand it’s my fault, I am his wife and I’m lucky he doesn’t pressure me more than he doesn’t.

More than he does

The only times I’ve slept with dh over last couple of years is when there’s been significant pressure - which is fair enough

No, it's not. Not even slightly.

It sounds like you grew up being given a very toxic view of relationships and yourself, such that you don't have the perspective to see how bad this really is. I suspect that if you started describing more of your life and relationship with this man that there would be other concerning points that have been normal to you, but are not to anyone else.

I agree with pp's suggestion to speak to Women's Aid. I also think that whatever you do you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme course and resetting your model of what healthy relationships look like and what's a normal way to be treated.

Far from ruining their lives, leaving this situation and then modelling healthy relationships could be one of the best things you ever do for your children.

I also think some posters on this thread are replying without having read more than the thread title.

Yes it does matter. A child can always tell that there is tension and the home is unhappy. More so, you are modeling that to your child. Im the same age as you and I wouldn't settle for this for the rest of my life. You deserve happiness too.

I think your happiness is hugely important. My parents had a marriage that felt pretty unhappy to all their children but my mother had the attitude that marriage was for life, grit your teeth and put up with it and it lasted for 66 years, until my father died in fact. She would, if she spoke about such matters, say that she had sacrificed everything for her children and this could be true. It could also be coincidence that none of us has been able to form a long lasting, happy relationship and we are all pretty screwed up in different ways.

@Boxesandbiros

It’s not that the lust is gone, it was never there. The only times I’ve slept with dh over last couple of years is when there’s been significant pressure - which is fair enough as he’s entitled to a sexual relationship - but I’ve cried during it and afterwards and felt absolutely dreadful. I do understand it’s my fault, I am his wife and I’m lucky he doesn’t pressure me more than he doesn’t.

This isn’t normal OP. Did your DH ever ask you why you were crying?

@Boxesandbiros

It’s not that the lust is gone, it was never there. The only times I’ve slept with dh over last couple of years is when there’s been significant pressure - which is fair enough as he’s entitled to a sexual relationship - but I’ve cried during it and afterwards and felt absolutely dreadful. I do understand it’s my fault, I am his wife and I’m lucky he doesn’t pressure me more than he doesn’t.

Nobody is entitled to sex.

They are entitled to want sex, they are absolutely entitled to leave a relationship if they feel it isn't sustainable for them to have less sex than they want, but they are not "entitled" to have sex.

A man with a shred of decency wouldn't want to have sex with someone crying. If my partner saw me crying during sex he would instantly not be aroused, he would stop, he would check I was ok and he would be really upset I was upset. And that is the bare minimum a man who is not an abuser would do.

It sounds like there could be a lot of coercion and abuse in this relationship but that you are so used to it or it is all you have ever really known, to the point you don't know how shocking things like your post above are.

Decent, non abusive men would not want to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex. Let alone to the point they were crying.

I really think you need to start considering this man is abusive and maybe speak to womens aid about what options you have.

@youvegottenminuteslynn is spot on, no decent man would continue sex with someone who started crying. Crying is a pretty good proxy for saying no and going ahead when someone has said no is rape.

There's a word for men who believe they are entitled to sex.

There's a word for men who believe that entitlement outweighs a woman's right to genuinely consent.

There's a word for men who believe that entitlement is so important they can maintain an erection while the woman they are shagging is openly crying.

At best he's a sexually abusive (coercion is abuse) sexist prick, at worst he is a rapist.

This is so very far from healthy it's shocking to most people and it sounds like he's ground you down over the years. I'm so sorry

I don’t think he’s abusive because he’s gone years without sex - it’s just happened occasionally that he’s pushed it, but I feel it’s fair enough. He must get fed up of me never being keen or instigating. It can’t be any fun.
I just don’t want it with him, I freeze.

Don't you think he'd be better off with someone who wants him physically as well? By sticking it out, you're in the way of his happiness as much as your own.

But I agree with the people who have said it's awful that he continued to have sex with you when you were crying. What sort of man does that make him?