When you have children does it matter if you are happy in your relationship or not?

[Boxesandbiros]

What I mean is - should the dc take precedence totally over my own unhappiness? Married for 18 years and now 38. It’s ok, I mean the dc would be shocked if we split because we don’t fight but we live very separate lives.
We never have sex - it’s been over a year now and it’s often been 4 years or more. Dh rarely mentions it but goes through stages of being more pushy. I don’t want sex with him. It’s never been very good. He’s always refused to give oral sex, which is of course up to him, but there’s been nothing in its place. It’s basically straight into full sex. He says stuff that makes me feel uneasy - dd shouted through this morning ‘can I get up now?’ and he rubbed against me from behind and said ‘when am I going to get it up you.’ He also says ‘when can I get my end away?’ and other things that make me feel uneasy but I think that if I wanted to sleep with him it would probably be fine.
I feel my choices are to stay and have sex I really don’t want or leave and ruin my children’s lives. I know - I know I should just go with the first option because i know once you have children your own happiness shouldn’t matter anymore but I’m really struggling with it.

Op, you need to understand that your mh and stability is more important to your dc's wellbeing than maintaining the current domestic situation.

You feel stuck and like change would be a catastrophe, but that's your depression gluing you down. You're not taking care of yourself, you're hurting yourself, you're acting as though you're worthless. You are not. And your dc need a mentally healthy mum, not one drowning in depression. Please seek help from your doctor and counselling services.

Op, you need to understand that your mh and stability is more important to your dc's wellbeing than maintaining the current domestic situation.

^ 100% this. Your children will be picking up on things without you realising. Do you honestly think that living in a house with this kind of dynamic, and with a mother who is so depressed she is self-harming, is better than separating?

OP, my siblings and I knew very well how unhappy our mother was. We also knew not to talk about it, and to maintain the status quo at all times because appearances were everything. It's not possible for children not to pick up on their primary carer's feelings.

We have said so many times that we wish she'd left, and been happy. She was widowed at 87. To be honest, now at 90 she seems more free and cheerful.

You are being really horrible to yourself op - I'm sad that you feel you should be unhappy and give way to everyone else.

You deserve to be happy. You can't be happy with a husband who is domineering and cold. Leave. Your kids will be fine, much better than watching their Mum be treated terribly and be unhappy.

Several women in my 2012 antenatal group have left unhappy or abusive marriages, even the ones whose partners have been uncooperative and unpleasant are happy they no longer have to live with them.

However difficult change is at first, it is transitory, and there will be a future where you can lock your front door and go to bed alone and stretch out comfortably and sleep knowing that no-one is going to pressure you into having sex you don't want in your safe bed and home.

That peace will be worth the short term upheaval.

If you are worried about violence from your partner then leave with the advice and support of a women's organisation. But you can do it, lots of women do.

OP children with happy divorced parents are far better off than children with a depressed mum who is def harming because she's so miserable about her selfish, unhelpful husband who fucks her while she sobs.

Leave.

My dc aren’t that keen on dh either - especially my oldest and Im concerned he might get them 50/50.
I know logically I’ve just got to put up with it and stay, why is that so hard? When I go out with dh and the dc I no longer speak very much, I’m not choosing that, I just feel so dreadful I have nothing to say.

It isn't logical, when you're depressed and self harming.

Your children do not benefit from you being in misery.
They do not benefit from being taught women are skivvies and unimportant.
They do not benefit from a mother who is withdrawn and cannot participate in family life.

You're not thinking logically at all. Your depression and self-loathing is dominating everything.

Make an appointment to see your doctor.

My dc aren’t that keen on dh either - especially my oldest and Im concerned he might get them 50/50.

Yet currently he has them 100% of the time, 24/7 and they are losing you bit by bit to depression and poor mental health, plus being shown a toxic model for relationships that they may go on to recreate in their own futures.

Plus, in reality he's unlikely to want them 50/50 as it would mean he had to take up the care of them and it might affect his "big important" job, (although he would probably threaten that he would want 50/50).

My dc aren’t that keen on dh either - especially my oldest and Im concerned he might get them 50/50. I know logically I’ve just got to put up with it and stay.

In spite of a whole thread full of people telling you that you shouldn't, and that staying in your bad marriage and ruining your mental health will have a detrimental effect on your children? I'm wondering what you wanted from this thread tbh. Why would you want him to have them 100% of the time instead of 50% (or rather, probably much less than 50%)?

I don’t want him to have them 50% of the time. Of course I want them to maintain their relationship with him and I wouldn’t ever try and prevent access... but I’ve been their primary care giver since they were born. I’ve done everything with them and for them.
He’s likely to fight for 50/50 even if it meant he had to put them in longer hours in childcare and in the holidays which I’m around for. He’d do it to spite me if nothing else.

But he wouldn't necessarily get 50/50. You can show you have been primary carer.

And again, he currently has them 100% of the time. While you are going under.

He is here 100% of the time - but he’s not very involved with them.
If he had 50% on his own it would up his contact significantly.

Your 13 yr old is of an age where their views would be taken into account.

I don't think courts would agree 50/50 if it would mean him putting them into childcare most of the time he has them, either.

Don't you deserve to be able to lie in your own bed at night not frightened that tonight he'd going to coerce you into sex?

Don't you think that your children deserve a relationship with a mum who is not miserably martyring herself so they have to live in a house with a man they are not that keen on?

Wouldn't it be great if they got to spend half the week (or likely more) completely free of him - to have their primary residence be a sanctuary?

It's not logical to stay. You are scared of the unknown. So find out, speak to women's aid, speak to your GP, speak to a solicitor, speak with women on here who have escaped from similar men. He's not unique, your situation is not unique and your fears are not unique. You can do this. People do escape safely and go on to build happy lives with their children with the only regret that they waited so long to leave.

Two women I know who have left emotionally abusive husband's kids have needed some counseling - because of his treatment of them in the marriage and through the separation/divorce, not because their mum left him.

I have had depression and anxiety from my dad's emotional abuse and my mum's depressed emotional unavailability as I was growing up, so have my siblings. They are still married.

Staying does not prevent harm.

You sound as though you have some deeply rooted issues around self esteem and relationships in general. It’s what has led you to normalise a relationship where you are not respected, and where there is no desire. If you could afford it, therapy would help you make some decisions about where you go from here. You have probably been conditioned to believe you’d never cope alone - you would cope! You got through childhood. You have raised two children in a lonely marriage. That is surviving. Your kids are at the age where they will absolutely notice the lack of love (because it’s not just lust, is it, that’s missing?) They’re also growing more independent. Find some time over the holiday when you have privacy. Consider some counselling. Get that half hour free legal advice from a solicitor.

Hi. I could have written this post. What is the half hour free legal advice @craftycorvid

💐OP the kids will be better off. I always wished my mum divorced instead of being a martyr

@cyclingmumkent Some solicitors do a half-hour initial consultation free, but you'd need to find one that offers that.

Yes, lots of solicitors in my area will offer this service - I’m in the north.