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Original poster

When you have children does it matter if you are happy in your relationship or not?

120 replies

Boxesandbiros · 20/12/2020 11:51

What I mean is - should the dc take precedence totally over my own unhappiness? Married for 18 years and now 38. It’s ok, I mean the dc would be shocked if we split because we don’t fight but we live very separate lives.
We never have sex - it’s been over a year now and it’s often been 4 years or more. Dh rarely mentions it but goes through stages of being more pushy. I don’t want sex with him. It’s never been very good. He’s always refused to give oral sex, which is of course up to him, but there’s been nothing in its place. It’s basically straight into full sex. He says stuff that makes me feel uneasy - dd shouted through this morning ‘can I get up now?’ and he rubbed against me from behind and said ‘when am I going to get it up you.’ He also says ‘when can I get my end away?’ and other things that make me feel uneasy but I think that if I wanted to sleep with him it would probably be fine.
I feel my choices are to stay and have sex I really don’t want or leave and ruin my children’s lives. I know - I know I should just go with the first option because i know once you have children your own happiness shouldn’t matter anymore but I’m really struggling with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boxesandbiros · 20/12/2020 17:24

I suppose a man who has sex so infrequently he will just take whatever he can get? I don’t blame him.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/12/2020 17:27

He can wank, can't he? He's not entitled to the use of your body. Not having sex for ages doesn't mean he should fuck you while you're crying and obviously unhappy.

Would you do that to someone? Would you put your own physical pleasure over their distress, no matter how long you hadn't had sex? How could you claim to love and care about someone you made so miserable and used like a piece of meat?

Original poster
Boxesandbiros · 20/12/2020 17:29

Maybe he was desperate.
No I wouldn’t, of course I wouldn’t. I’d want to talk about what was happening and why they were upset.
But he’s a man and so not wired the same.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 17:31

@Boxesandbiros

I suppose a man who has sex so infrequently he will just take whatever he can get? I don’t blame him.
No, decent men could go years without sex and still be incapable of maintaining and erection to shag a woman who is crying. Most men would rather leave their partner if they can't bear to be in a sexless relationship. I promise you, that is the case. You don't have to excuse him doing that, it's appalling.

I'm a woman, I couldn't be in a sexless relationship. So I would leave one. What I would not do is stay, knowing i wasn't sexually compatible with a partner, pressure them and fuck them while they wept.

This is not your fault. People should leave relationships if they are so unhappy with the state of play that their behaviour becomes coercive and / or abusive.

You are not to blame for the fact he behaves this way. He has the option to leave.

category12 · 20/12/2020 17:32

Wow.

I'm sorry you have such a low opinion and experience of men.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/12/2020 17:33

OP as gently as possible you have a warped view of what the rights and responsibilities of marriage are.

As someone else put it up thread he is within his rights to want a sexual relationship but you are within your rights not to have one. Your right not to be coerced trumps his desire for sex. Every time.

The fact that your obvious distress doesn’t stop him in his tracks is a huge problem. This is not a kind or caring man.

This is not just a marriage which has petered out, it’s an abusive marriage.

Not only do you have every right to want out of it you have a clear responsibility to your children to model to them that this is not an acceptable way to live.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 17:35

But he’s a man and so not wired the same.

I promise you, while men and women are different, having a penis doesn't give men a free pass to be coercive or abusive and having a vagina doesn't give women the responsibility to tolerate coercion or abuse. I'm so sorry you're in this position Thanks

The men I know and love, the good and decent men are not wired to want to shag someone who doesn't want to shag them. They would rather leave. It's not due to him being male it's due to him prioritising what he sees as his entitlement to sex with you over his respect or care for you.

LilyWater · 20/12/2020 17:43

@Boxesandbiros

I don’t want to sleep with him - I don’t think that will change. For me it’s never been there, I’ve never been attracted to him. How can I get bad something that’s never been there to begin with?
Why on earth would you marry someone who you've NEVER been attracted to? Confused

I honestly don't get women like this. Then they bring innocent kids into this mess.

Unless you were completely open with him about how you felt, looks like you conned your own husband into marriage which is awful. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Original poster
Boxesandbiros · 20/12/2020 17:46

I understand that lily. However my marriage has lasted 18 years which is a lot longer than some.
I’ve never been attracted to anyone. I thought it would be ok - I didn’t marry him expecting to reach a point where I can only have sex with him under massive duress.

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 20/12/2020 17:46

Male 'wiring' does not automatically make men into arseholes. Otherwise how do you explain the many men who do not behave like this? They are not missing male genes. OP - please don't excuse this on the basis that 'that's what men are like'. You are kidding yourself.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 17:49

When your daughter is an adult, if she came to you for advice saying she feels obligated to have sex with her husband because they are married but isn't attracted to them and cries during and after, with him continuing despite her crying - would you tell her she is doing the right thing staying with him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 17:50

When your son is an adult, if he came to you and said that his wife doesn't have a sex drive but because he's so desperate to have sex he has sex with her while she weeps during and after, would you tell him his behaviour is understandable and acceptable? Would you think you had raised a decent guy?

Original poster
Boxesandbiros · 20/12/2020 17:55

The thing is, sometimes I think if he were different I’d be happier to sleep with him. If I wasn’t so tired - we both work full time but I do everything for the dc and in the house, he has both weekend days as lie ins. He works from home, I teach. I drop the kids to school and then go to school myself, I get back and do dinner, wash up, homework with the eldest, anything else that needs doing. I do bathtime and bedtime for the youngest. He finishes work, eats dinner and watches tv. I don’t even eat dinner, I tidy up and do any work that needs doing for school whilst they eat.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/12/2020 17:59

Do you have a daughter?

lazylinguist · 20/12/2020 18:02

You'd be happier to sleep with him if he weren't a selfish arsehole? Well yes I guess, although it's pretty sad to say that you'd be fine with sleeping with a man you are not and have never been attracted to if he merely made a bit more effort not to be a selfish arsehole. Relationships aren't meant to be this way.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 18:04

we both work full time but I do everything for the dc and in the house, he has both weekend days as lie ins.

Why does he think that's acceptable?

More importantly, why do you think thats acceptable?

If you have a daughter you are both teaching her that a woman's job is to cook, clean, work, fulfil their husbands sexual wants and not make a fuss.

If you have a son you're teaching him the same thing.

Is that a legacy you're comfortable with?

Coronawireless · 20/12/2020 18:06

I actually felt some sympathy for him until your last post. He doesn’t sound great. Time for a proper chat maybe and some changes going forward. Or else! You earn and are much younger than him. You have more power than you think.

Original poster
Boxesandbiros · 20/12/2020 18:06

It’s because I didn’t work for a few years after dc1 and did everything then and it’s just carried on that way.
I’m really lonely - but I love my dc. I find it difficult to do something which is actively going to upset them when I spent the rest of my life trying to make sure they are happy.

OP posts:
Littleyell · 20/12/2020 18:08

@LilyWater I agree with what your saying. I don’t think we have the full picture here and things seem a bit muddled. If OP never was attracted to her DH she’s at fault here for continuing 18 years. It’s most unusual and it’s not fair on anyone.

Original poster
Boxesandbiros · 20/12/2020 18:11

Yes, it is my fault. I was a bit pressured into the marriage but no one held a gun to my head.
I just need to be able to sleep with him and not get so upset. He’s happy enough at the moment. If I could manage to sleep with him every couple of weeks it would probably be fine.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 20/12/2020 18:13

[quote Littleyell]@LilyWater I agree with what your saying. I don’t think we have the full picture here and things seem a bit muddled. If OP never was attracted to her DH she’s at fault here for continuing 18 years. It’s most unusual and it’s not fair on anyone.[/quote]
I can understand that once the children arrive you just keep going and hope for better.
But it’s time to stand up for yourself more and tell him things need to change. Make him aware of some of what you feel. Give him some kind of a chance to change. Otherwise how can he know?

category12 · 20/12/2020 18:13

You have to think about the life lessons you're teaching your children.

Would you want a daughter of yours to slog her guts out for her family in such an unequal household? To be the one not eating while the rest of the family are served? To be fucked by someone who doesn't give a shit if she's crying?

Would you want your son to sit around while his wife slaves and skivvies for him, and for him to drive her into misery and end up getting left or bullying her into submission?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 18:14

OP are you taking on board what posters like me have pointed out about the fact you're showing your children some really outdated and unhealthy standards for male / female roles and relationships?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 18:15

@category12

You have to think about the life lessons you're teaching your children.

Would you want a daughter of yours to slog her guts out for her family in such an unequal household? To be the one not eating while the rest of the family are served? To be fucked by someone who doesn't give a shit if she's crying?

Would you want your son to sit around while his wife slaves and skivvies for him, and for him to drive her into misery and end up getting left or bullying her into submission?

Seconded.
Coronawireless · 20/12/2020 18:19

It does sound a little martyred to say If I could just make myself sleep with him it would be fine. Not much fun for you or him really, is it?
Get some firm communication going between you. Give him a chance to change things so you’re less tired for a start. And see if things improve and take from there.
Easier said than done I know, especially if you feel a bit ground down and miserable but you have to start somewhere.