Found hidden beer cans in shed

[Falalah]

I’ve spoken to H lots about his drinking during our 10yr relationship, not much has changed, he has about 15 units per day on average. When it’s been at it’s worst it’s been as much 30 a day.

Do I call him out on the cans in the shed? They were in a carrier bag and he’d put other carriers on top to hide them so was definitely a deliberate attempt to hide them.

I sort of think what’s the point of saying anything, he won’t change, what will it achieve? Trying to not take it personally, as this discovery has come after a ‘good run’ of him cutting down, and me helping him have an easier life so he is less stressed as this is one of his reasons for why he drinks. But he probably has just found a new hiding place and I’ve enabled him.

Every time I think this can be fixed and we might be ok, something like this happens.

I find the smell of the booze disgusting, both the night of the drinking and the sour smell the morning after. All routine and sense of purpose goes out the window once he’s started in the evening. I feel like it’s an uphill struggle, I have to be the grown up and I can’t rely on him and he doesn’t take the initiative to do anything. It’s exhausting. Sorry ranting now!

Well, he's an alcoholic. He's just doing what alcoholics do.

Unless he actually recognises he has a problem and seeks help, all the promises and "cutting down" are so much fluff and bluster.

Why are you living like this? Your husband is an alcoholic and he's taking you down with him. Your life doesn't have to be this way.

You can’t fix him though. This is who he is. He is An alcoholic.

Id honestly call time. This isnt the relationship you want.

I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row. I started seeing a counsellor too and this has helped a lot. I don’t know why I am still trying to make it work.

Get ducks in a row and leave this is no life I’ve been there.

He is an alcoholic and you are enabling him. That's your reality.

Hiding it is not a good sign. Unless he admits that he has a problem and is willing to seek professional help then it's hard to see how it would get better.

I suppose it’s not easy to leave when it’s all you’ve known for 10 years or so

You can’t make it work. It either works, or you compromise. The compromise here is you put up with being the only adult in a relationship with an addict.

Imagine your retirement.

You can't change an alcoholic. All you can do is change your reaction to the alcoholic and manage the degree to which he influences your life.

This is no way to live. You know what you have to do.

He saw a counsellor for a bit but it didn’t last.

Hi OP, just wanted to post. My dad is an alcoholic and he is now 53, on a liver transplant waiting list and still drinking despite being told to stop several times otherwise he will die within the next 2 years. I’ve read up on this a lot and most alcoholics don’t recover. I am so glad my mum left him due to the drinking - but he still never stopped despite losing his family and his job. He was a “functioning alcoholic” like your DH but he eventually couldn’t function anymore. From personal experience, if you have children, please leave ASAP because I am now nearly 30 , and this had a huge impact on mine and my sisters life. My mum left when we were teenagers. Please just get out. Message me if you want to talk. Sending you strength xx

Also, if he doesn’t admit he has a problem he will never recover.

OP he doesn't want to stop and you can't make him. No amount of reasoning, nagging, cajoling and pleading will change that. The alcoholic's primary relationship is with alcohol. He may go along with attempts to intervene for a bit to placate people and buy himself some time but until he wants to stop there is nothing you can do.

You have a choice between two outcomes: either you remove yourself and your children from the situation and take control of it or you accept that you are basically at the mercy of this and just hoping he will come to his senses on his own. Which he almost certainly won't.

I'm sorry to sound blunt but I've been in this situation and I promise there is nothing you can do about it. Control the only thing you can control ie you and your children and stop trying to control something you can't.

Yes we have 2 young DC, I managed to get a part time job recently so I can save up some cash. I want to move out with the kids as I don’t think he would leave the house.

Please leave for the sake of your children I beg you. If your working part-time and have 2 children you will be entitled to child benefit (£35 Per week), universal credit, and the housing element of universal credit if you decide to rent. This means part of your rent will be covered. Put you and your children again and start scratch. My relationship with my mum and dad is now strained after everything we were put through due to my fathers drinking problem. I wish she had left earlier.

Alcoholism really is an illness that can’t be helped

Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and sadly you are as caught up in this as he is . This also affects your children because you as their mother are not fully emotionally available to them nor can you protect them from their dads alcoholism.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Did you yourself see a heavily drinking parent as a child?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You are codependent in this relationship and that is probably why you are putting this man first before you and your children. This is not a problem you can fix. Only he can decide to get help and it’s clear he does not want help nor your supposed help and support.

There are NO guarantees when it comes to alcoholism and this man could well go into lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.
You are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him here not that he wants your help anyway. You can only help you and your kids and apart from getting legal advice re divorce I would urge you to contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another persons drinking.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Make better choices for you and your kids now and put yourselves first for a change.

Thankyou for comments. It has been very hard, and getting a plan together for leaving has been keeping me going. I think part of me wa shopping I wouldn’t have to follow through and he would see the error of his ways.

The 3cs re alcoholism are
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You are and indeed have played out the usual roles associated with such spouses, those of enabler, codependent and provoker (because you never forget).

You need to get off the meet go around that is alcoholism here because your kids will
pick up on all this if they are not already and it’s very likely they are. This is no life for them either, growing up with an alcoholic parent affects children also into adulthood,

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

It’s never stable in your house is it and you are always firefighting. Your house is not the sanctuary it should be for your kids either

What you have tried to date had not worked.
You cannot save or rescue him but you certainly can and should remove your children and you from this ASAP. You are married to this man and have rights in law so you need to exercise those fully now.

Hard as this will be to read I would also urge you to read this article too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have fully detached and otherwise removed yourself from this.
I sincerely hope you actually manage to get off the merry go around here and rebuild yours and your kids lives.

It's good to hear you are already getting your ducks in a row. In a way it is also good that he has let you down yet again. Use this moment to harden your determination and keep working toward your departure. While you work, do try to get support for yourself from an organisation that supports the relatives of alcoholics. There's Al-Anon, there are other organisations too, including groups locally if you look hard enough. Getting that support will help you detach from your husband in a healthy way and will ease your inevitable sense of guilt.

You are doing the right thing. I did it too - too late, but I did it. My husband died 8 months after I made him leave. Life is so much better without him in it.

It’s not about seeing the error of his ways though, he’s an alcoholic. It is likely to deteriorate quite steeply, it always does.

You’re just looking for reasons to stay, from maybe he will change or maybe I can save up enough at some point. And that’s fine, but you need to accept you’re bringing your children uo in a chaotic environment with an alcoholic father.

Please for you childrens sake seriously consider leaving the marriage. Its miserable growing up with an alcoholic parent and has long lasting effects.

You and you children deserve a better life.