Found hidden beer cans in shed

[Falalah]

I’ve spoken to H lots about his drinking during our 10yr relationship, not much has changed, he has about 15 units per day on average. When it’s been at it’s worst it’s been as much 30 a day.

Do I call him out on the cans in the shed? They were in a carrier bag and he’d put other carriers on top to hide them so was definitely a deliberate attempt to hide them.

I sort of think what’s the point of saying anything, he won’t change, what will it achieve? Trying to not take it personally, as this discovery has come after a ‘good run’ of him cutting down, and me helping him have an easier life so he is less stressed as this is one of his reasons for why he drinks. But he probably has just found a new hiding place and I’ve enabled him.

Every time I think this can be fixed and we might be ok, something like this happens.

I find the smell of the booze disgusting, both the night of the drinking and the sour smell the morning after. All routine and sense of purpose goes out the window once he’s started in the evening. I feel like it’s an uphill struggle, I have to be the grown up and I can’t rely on him and he doesn’t take the initiative to do anything. It’s exhausting. Sorry ranting now!

Alcoholics will always blame you for their drinking. It has to be someone else's fault, otherwise they have to face facts and they can't.

Mine tried to talk me out of the rehab or divorce options I was giving him by telling him if he chose rehab, he would drink more in the weeks leading up to when he could start. So I looked him in the eye and told him fine, that was entirely his choice and his responsibility. (I was well into the detachment process by then, and that was before I joined a support group!).

Much later when we found his rehab notes, it turned out he was still blaming me for his drinking even while he was in there. He never took that first step of admitting responsibility and so he never stood a chance of finding sobriety.

Your husband won't get anywhere until he takes that step. Meanwhile all you can do is contact Al-Anon for support, because you do not have to sit there feeling guilty for something that is not your responsibility!

It is hard and for me it got harder. I wish you well

You have to protect yourself and your children. He is dragging you down, sounds like he won’t change. This isn’t a good way to live, you gave a choice, your children don’t

@Falalah

Thankyou everyone.

Sat here feeling guilty this morning, he’s upset that I don’t want to spend time with him, so he’s had pretty much a whole bottle of wine after I went to bed, on top of at least 4 bottles of beer that I know of. He says that if he feels like I don’t want to spend time with him then he just thinks ‘f*ck it, I’ll have another’. Sigh

Ah so it's your fault? How awful of him to let you down and blame you for it. You poor thing, he is nowhere near ready to tackle this and it's not fair to expect you to wait around until he gets to that point. Which many, many people never do.

So tonight, he’s come home with some low strength beers but he has something important to him to do tomorrow. I know it’s not about me but it sort of feels like he can’t be bothered for me but can for his own endeavours. I know it’s only one night and will go back to how it was tomorrow.

Whatever you decided to do about the relationship is up to you, but with his drinking I think he does have some control over it. Ive not drank for a long, long time now but even at my more controlled stages of being an acoholic I wouldnt have been storing cans, I'd have fired through them as quickly as possible.

My father was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is endemic in my family, on both sides. It was endemic on the council estate in Ireland that I grew up in. It took me until my mid 30s before I could talk about it. I have never drunk alcohol. My cousin is a recovered alcoholic. It cost him his marriage.
I was chatting to a customer once as I worked in his house and he told me he was a drugs counsellor. I asked him what was the most dangerous drug was. He immediately replied alcohol. I said, 'You didn't hesitate there.' He said, 'No I didn't.'
I know what you are going through, my mum went through it. Boys reached manhood where I lived when they beat their alcoholic fathers when they were being violent towards their mothers. I remember the day it happened. It was almost like he wanted me to hit him, to stop him. He never hit my mother again after that. All I had to do was warn him.
There is ONLY one solution. He has to stop. Half measures don't work with drug addicts. He has to want to stop. At the moment he doesn't want to.
Of all the drugs our society decided to make legal it chose alcohol. I will never understand that piece of insanity.
In the circles I mix in, I know a lot of people who use a lot of different drugs, but of all the drug addicts I have known, and there have been plenty, all bar two have been addicted to alcohol. The other two were heroin and ketamine. Be very careful of anyone whose drug of choice depresses the central nervous system.
My friend who has a ketamine addiction:
First had to admit to himself he has it.
Then he got a counsellor.
Then he stopped.
Recently he had a relapse, so he is back in counselling.
It is something he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.
It's still there, it will never go away. It's a shadow, waiting in the background, to pounce on him, to ruin his life.
His lifeline is, he knows this, and has accepted it, and has found the help he needs.

How are you doing today? BTW...That's typical behaviour: blaming others. Please don't feel guilt about it, it's not your fault. Were you not spending time with him at all when he was drinking and hiding those empties? Or were they due to yet another reason beyond his control?

MY STBXH said similar about me: I was on the computer or on my phone, rather than paying him attention: therefore its was down to me that he'd disappear off for hours and drink/do drugs....or say he was going out for a cigarette and knock back the alcohol he'd hidden in the shed.

Yes I was on my phone: I'd been working full time (nurse), I was the breadwinner (he didn't work since an RTA), doing the running about for 2 young children, plus running about after him (I was trying to fight fires), plus sort the house work. By the time I'd got home from work, dinner sorted, the kids were in bed and things were all sorted, I'd literally just sit on the sofa and flake. He'd say he was going out for a cig....a cig that would strangely take a good hour or more to smoke. One evening, I suggested we sat and watched a movie together. He went out for a cig...took him two hours (I timed it).

I was still finding hidden empties of beer cans, and spirits bottles over a year after he had left. The sight of vodka bottles makes me feel physically sick and I don't go near the drinks aisle in a supermarket (unless I absolutely need to buy something from it). I've never been a a regular drinker (my body cannot process alcohol properly - therefore I would have just 1-2 units of alcohol max a handful of times a year), but my ex's drinking has made me loathe certain drinks and the sight of drunk people. Ditto my teenage son, who witnessed (heard) a lot of the verbal abuse my STBXH threw at me when he was drunk.

All the best OP x

@Falalah

Thankyou everyone.

Sat here feeling guilty this morning, he’s upset that I don’t want to spend time with him, so he’s had pretty much a whole bottle of wine after I went to bed, on top of at least 4 bottles of beer that I know of. He says that if he feels like I don’t want to spend time with him then he just thinks ‘f*ck it, I’ll have another’. Sigh

Textbook abusive alcoholic behaviour.

Fuck guilt.

Yes, i went shopping the other day and couldn’t face going down the booze aisle.

Are you done @Falalah? What are your thoughts on your future?

I will carry on getting my plans sorted for leaving. I think I’m coming to terms with that, it feels like such a big thing, but I want to be happy for me and my kids. Not sad and worrying about whether he will be drunk again tonight.

I hear you @Falalah. I think I knew I had to separate from my XH a long time before I actually managed to have the courage to do it and to process the fact that the upheaval and pain of it all really was the only way. You've made a big step by talking about it here. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

@Tiddleypops

I hear you *@Falalah*. I think I knew I had to separate from my XH a long time before I actually managed to have the courage to do it and to process the fact that the upheaval and pain of it all really was the only way. You've made a big step by talking about it here. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

Totally agree. It took me a loooong time. I had been googling things like ‘definition of alcoholic’ and ‘will an alcoholic ever really stop’ for YEARS before things got really bad - and it was horrendous for six months before I had the courage to actually leave (or rather proof my ex drove with our toddler whilst severely intoxicated - a few hours before being hospitalised in fact). I can confirm life is a million times better now!

Can I just say well done for not ignoring it and getting a plan together for you and your children that takes a lot of strength

New year, new life. See a solicitor about divorce, financials etc. He can't not just leave as all assets are 50/50.

As to how to do it? You need to harden up. Me? I hunted down every hidden bottle and can and stacked them in the living room for him to find when he came home. I had already packed and gone.

My friend’s DH is an alcoholic, he’s wrecked his health and his life. He was sacked from a very lucrative job abroad (stupid enough to get paralytic in a ‘dry’ country), he’s had three stints in the Priory. He had a beautifully tidy workshop, everything lined up neatly in rows of tins on shelves - but every tin was full of vodka 🤬
He was drinking a litre of vodka and 3 or 4 bottles of Strongbow every day at his worse. Numerous times she’s had the ambulance out to pick him up off the floor. She had to clean up when he was doubly incontinent and vomiting everywhere.
Why does she stay? Because there’s lots of money and she has none.
I wish she had left years ago but she prefers to put up with the abuse because she has a very comfortable lifestyle otherwise, very sad but her choice.
I completely feel for your situation OP, it’s soul destroying.

He’s been hospitalised numerous times, taken Antabuse, had counselling, you name he’s tried it.

Strawberrycreamsundae cynical me thinks it's worth her sticking around as he will probably die young and she will inherit everything.

But actually if there is a money imbalance, that does make leaving harder. I was lucky, I have always worked in good jobs. Not everyone has that.

As for how long it takes to decide to leave - it took me 6.5 years. Love was a big part of that - it was really hard to accept that my husband was no longer the man I married and it took a lot of really bad behaviour from him after the ultimatum for me to completely stop loving him. And even then I felt guilty about feeling that way (this is why support from Al-Anon etc. is so useful).

You sound like you have your head screwed on straight, Falalah. Just keep on getting ready for your departure.

Once you see it, feel it and know that you are emotionally detached then getting a plan together is just about writing a list and taking a simple practical step each day / week. Eg phone a solicitor, collect financial info, contact Al Anon etc - then the momentum for the next steps is in place.

It’s the false hope, denial, anger, trying to cope, giving it another go, false promises, thinking today wasn’t too bad etc that keeps you trapped in the downward spiral.

You need to know your motivation and keep your eyes on the prize - a calm and peaceful home for your DC to safely grow up emotionally secure - you don’t need to tell him anything until much further down the line when you have hammered out all of your options - just get the wheels in motion and detach.

He’s come home with big packs of beer for Xmas, and has bought more port. We sort of agreed he wouldn’t get the big packs anymore because there is no off switch. I’ve felt on edge all afternoon, he can’t see that this make me so anxious. Now he’s cross with me for being quiet and not seeming happy. He’s also been picking at me all day about little things that really don’t matter, like put the something away in the wrong cupboard, left something on the table instead of putting it in the bin etc.

He thinks he's won. He thinks you've given in. The nit-picking is his way of reinforcing his dominance. Keep your head down, keep quietly preparing away until you are ready to end it, then hit him with it and be prepared to do whatever is needed if he turns aggressive. That includes involving the police - do not be afraid to use them. When my husband threatened to kill me and I called 999, they were there in 4 minutes flat and took him away.

You can't take his agreement about anything related to alcohol at face value. He will always put the booze first. I am sorry that this is your Christmas - work to ensure your next one is the one you deserve.

You can always pm me for support of you need to. I've been there, done that and am out on the other side. It's great here, you'll love it.

It's not personal. He is baiting you to get an argument so he has an excuse in his head to drink more.

It's part of the illness.

His first connection and love is to the drink. He can't relate emotionally to you in a healthy way as everything comes second to that relationship with alcohol.

He is baiting you to get an argument so he has an excuse in his head to drink more.

I agree. Don’t get drawn into this. Keep detaching in your head. It doesn’t matter how much he drinks at this stage - he will ensure he has max regardless of how hard you try to negotiate, police, control.

Preserve and prioritise your finite emotional energy for you and your DCs. And know that this is the last Xmas it will be like this.

If you feel unsafe - be ready to leave.

Do you have people you can confide in in RL?

How are you? I count my blessing every Christmas Eve I no longer live with this worry, hugs and make sure your safe.