Found hidden beer cans in shed

[Falalah]

I’ve spoken to H lots about his drinking during our 10yr relationship, not much has changed, he has about 15 units per day on average. When it’s been at it’s worst it’s been as much 30 a day.

Do I call him out on the cans in the shed? They were in a carrier bag and he’d put other carriers on top to hide them so was definitely a deliberate attempt to hide them.

I sort of think what’s the point of saying anything, he won’t change, what will it achieve? Trying to not take it personally, as this discovery has come after a ‘good run’ of him cutting down, and me helping him have an easier life so he is less stressed as this is one of his reasons for why he drinks. But he probably has just found a new hiding place and I’ve enabled him.

Every time I think this can be fixed and we might be ok, something like this happens.

I find the smell of the booze disgusting, both the night of the drinking and the sour smell the morning after. All routine and sense of purpose goes out the window once he’s started in the evening. I feel like it’s an uphill struggle, I have to be the grown up and I can’t rely on him and he doesn’t take the initiative to do anything. It’s exhausting. Sorry ranting now!

Been out to the shed again tonight and found he has added more to his stash ☹️

Stop policing his drinking. It’s not working and will only serve to make you feel more wretched.

Get help for your own self from a solicitor and Al-anon, these people can and will help you if you let them.

You are allowed to be sad about this. Grieving is normal and healthy. Just keep going. Keep working on your escape. You know what the end goal is.

And get help - some useful links here for you: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

I know it’s not what you want to hear from us, but I’m another that’s been in this position and second what everyone else has said: there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him.

You’ve been sucked into the vortex of an alcoholic’s world and you need to take a massive deep breath and step out of it. Speak to a solicitor and use your counsellor to make a proper plan. It’s hard going but you and your children deserve a life away from the madness, the lying and the excuses.
Good luck!

Should I bring up that I’ve found his stash? I feel like there is no point, but at the same time I feel like it’s not on.

Should I bring up that I’ve found his stash? I feel like there is no point, but at the same time I feel like it’s not on.

I would consider lining the cans up on the floor of the shed for him to find and not say a single word.

What do you expect the outcome to be?

I think you kind of need to decide what your own next move is, because you know how this is going to go - you tell him you've found his stash, he does whatever he does when you catch him out again, and round and round. How are you going to break your own part in the cycle? Are you ready to?

How old are your children?

My husband used to keep his stash in the shed. I recommend al anon, there are loads of online meetings so you should find one that suits you. Its for the families and friends of alcoholics. Its tough being with an alcoholic. If you confront him its likely he will find another hiding space it won't stop him. I wish you the best working out what you want to do.

I don't think it would do any good to bring it up. Hell just hide it better.

To drink that much is expensive. Does he give you any money?

Sending you love OP. I have a tiny glimmer of insight having dated someone who turned out to be an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one. Once you’re out of the situation you will honestly feel so much better and be wide eyed at your tolerance for his behaviour. You really must leave him to stand on his own two feet now.

He is functioning and has a good job. I want to leave, I just don’t know how to, I have made my excuses before but I’ve got nearly everything sorted now. Why is it so hard even though his behaviour has caused me so much pain.

OP its hard because you're uprooting your whole life, everything you've bought into and planned for. This is totally natural and normal. I've been through this exact situation and I understand the desire to hold it off until you are sure you have no other alternative.

But that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. Sometimes change is painful and particularly when you're making such a big change.

But this is consuming your life and ultimately its a bad environment from your children.

Have you talked to Al-Anon? its an organisation designed to support the families of alcoholics. I went to a couple of sessions when I was trying to decide whether or not to leave. I didn't stick it out for that long but for the few sessions I did go it was very supportive.

Try to talk to someone IRL about it: its hard but it will help to crystallise things for you.

This post could have been written by my mother years ago, my dad is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. Unfortunately calling out behaviours such as hiding alcohol does not change behaviour, he will find somewhere else to put it. Alcoholics, like people with all other addictions, will never change unless they really really want to. As a child of an alcoholic I'd urge you to leave while your children are young, we were brought up around it, seeing some really bad examples of relationships with drink and it's damaging. Unfortunately my dad is really in on himself and took very little interest in us subsequently and none of us have much of a relationship with him. He was recently hospitalised for a seizure (likely alcohol related) I saw that as his opportunity to seek some help and he didn't, you need to live your own life, I wish my mum had!

Sorry it posted too soon!

Children are usually very aware of these situations, I vividly remember not wanting to have friends in the house, or actually be there myself because whilst my mum would try to make everything 'normal', my dad was asleep in a chair. Christmas was the most miserable time for us, two weeks off work and no routine or work to break up the drinking, I actually still dread a Christmas with my own family now as it's just dyer watching someone who is clearly very ill with addiction just continue to spiral. Sorry you're going through this, it's painfully sad, I've done all the crying and anger you can imagine, none of it makes a difference. Look after yourself and your kids!

@Aquamarine1029

Should I bring up that I’ve found his stash? I feel like there is no point, but at the same time I feel like it’s not on.

I would consider lining the cans up on the floor of the shed for him to find and not say a single word.

Please don't do this. It's passive aggressive, shame inducing and a toxic thing to do. Why anyone would even consider it is beyond me!

@LostWhiskey It's an illness that can be addressed when the drinker is willing to get help-your post is staggeringly irresponsible

@EKGEMS unfortunately many choose not to access help and address their problem is what she means I think. Her post isn't irresponsible, infact she's sharing her experience of being brought up with an alcoholic parent and hoping this will help OP make a decision, as I also did.

[quote EKGEMS]**@LostWhiskey It's an illness that can be addressed when the drinker is willing to get help-your post is staggeringly irresponsible [/quote]
Wow a young woman courageously tells her truth - sharing her actual lived personal childhood experience that continues bleakly to this day in order to save someone else’s childhood - and she gets called staggeringly irresponsible?

Your story, contribution and opinion is valid and welcomed her @LostWhiskey.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was in your position two years ago. I can only echo what the others said, and also emphasise this: if they don't admit that there's a problem, they won't address it and/or subsequently recover from it/takes steps to sort things. Get your ducks in a row and then run.

I say that as a STBXW of an alcoholic. I couldn't take it any more. I'd tried everything. Nothing worked. My youngest didn't twig a huge amount of what was going on, but my eldest did. The atmosphere in the house has changed considerably since we split/he left. I'm sad about it, so sad that he couldn't/wouldn't admit there was a problem and want to do much about it (I still love the man he was when we got married)....but I couldn't live how we were living. I never relaxed and was ALWAYS on edge as to what would happen next. Please don't waste more years: the behaviour won't improve unless he's completely honest with himself and others, and actually WANTS to stop.

Look after yourself and take care xxx

He has said he knows he has a problem but then does nothing about it, he knows he can’t have spirits in the house for example as he knows sooner or later he will drink them. But he still chooses to make bad decisions, like buying 8% beer, like having multiple bottles of wine on the go, and still buying spirits for ‘cooking with’

Thank you @Sssloou. @EKGEMS how was my post irresponsible - I was merely sharing a life experience to show to the OP the consequences of alcoholism. Also, if you read the stats, most alcoholics don’t recover. Harsh reality. I now bring up my children making sure they LOVE being at home, are not embarrassed to be out with me, not constantly on edge etc.

I know you will make the right decision in the end OP.

Please, please listen to the advice above and get out. He may have a good job at the moment but this will not last. You and your children deserve better than this. Get out, be independent, take the help available. He will sort himself out if he wants to.

[quote EKGEMS]@LostWhiskey It's an illness that can be addressed when the drinker is willing to get help-your post is staggeringly irresponsible [/quote]
EKGEMS but it is not OP's responsibility to make her OH get help. It's entirely up to him, there is nothing she can do to change him. All she can do is protect herself and her DC, and the best way for her to do that is by leaving and making her own life.

Lostwhiskey's advice is 100% spot on and it is disturbing that you see fit to come on this thread and yet not recognise that.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and its never been with you and his children either.

The only person who can help your H here is him, not you and not anyone else. If he chooses to keep drinking that is up to him too; you cannot influence that choice. Do not continue at all with trying to rescue and or save him; it does not work and you will only further destroy your own self in the process.

All you can do is continue to firm up plans to leave him and as soon as you are able. There is really no other option open to you now.