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Original poster

Found hidden beer cans in shed

101 replies

Falalah · 18/12/2020 19:31

I’ve spoken to H lots about his drinking during our 10yr relationship, not much has changed, he has about 15 units per day on average. When it’s been at it’s worst it’s been as much 30 a day.

Do I call him out on the cans in the shed? They were in a carrier bag and he’d put other carriers on top to hide them so was definitely a deliberate attempt to hide them.

I sort of think what’s the point of saying anything, he won’t change, what will it achieve? Trying to not take it personally, as this discovery has come after a ‘good run’ of him cutting down, and me helping him have an easier life so he is less stressed as this is one of his reasons for why he drinks. But he probably has just found a new hiding place and I’ve enabled him.

Every time I think this can be fixed and we might be ok, something like this happens.

I find the smell of the booze disgusting, both the night of the drinking and the sour smell the morning after. All routine and sense of purpose goes out the window once he’s started in the evening. I feel like it’s an uphill struggle, I have to be the grown up and I can’t rely on him and he doesn’t take the initiative to do anything. It’s exhausting. Sorry ranting now!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2020 09:50

I would also fully concur with LostWhiskey's words also; do take heed.

HeyDW96 · 19/12/2020 10:06

@LostWhiskey bless you, going to do the same with my children, a childhood around an alcoholic is not a healthy one and I blamed myself for a lot of the failings in my relationship with my dad for a long time! Moved on with my life now as you can't spend your life and energy wishing someone was different.

nosswith · 19/12/2020 10:41

There are men and women who are alcoholics and give us alcohol, but only because they choose to. A relative has not drunk for over 20 years, and in public life there is the example of Jimmy Greaves, who for many years would not even go to a function where alcohol was available.

Your DH does not seem to want to make that choice.

C0NNIE · 19/12/2020 10:44

@thepeopleversuswork

You can't change an alcoholic. All you can do is change your reaction to the alcoholic and manage the degree to which he influences your life.

This is no way to live. You know what you have to do.

This.
Sssloou · 19/12/2020 11:08

www.verywellmind.com/common-traits-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66557

This is an important read outlining the blighted MH and personal lives that children brought up around an alcoholic will likely endure as teens and adults. The most responsible thing any parent can do is take themselves and their children out of this environment to protect the child’s emotional development. It’s not just the negative impact of the alcoholic it’s also the loss emotionally of the sober parent as they are preoccupied distracted drained firefighting the alcoholic and the child looses that parenting also as you can’t be in two emotional places at one. Choose not to manage, fight, cope with the alcoholic but choose instead to direct this finite time and energy to your child. I also believe that if there is any chance of an alcoholic waking up and smelling the coffee it’s when they have lost their family and this needs to be done sooner rather than later before they are even more deeply entrenched.

Original poster
Falalah · 19/12/2020 11:59

Thankyou. I am making plans to leave, it just feels so hard to uproot everything even though it will be better in the long run.

It’s very painful how he just carries on like it doesn’t exist, and expects me to be a ‘happy normal wife’

OP posts:
BritInAus · 19/12/2020 12:02

Oh, sweetheart. He is unlikely to change. You know that and don’t need us to say this.
I left my alcoholic partner of ten years this year. Best decision I ever made. Feel free to PM me x

litterbird · 19/12/2020 12:14

This is just so awful for you and I feel for you at this time. My friend has chosen to stay with her alcoholic husband who refuses treatment. He lies to her all the time and last week, after telling me how she believes he has stopped drinking, she found a huge stash of Carling Black Label in the shed and whiskey bottles hidden in another shed. She is devastated. Don't be my friend. Escape now.

Trailing1 · 19/12/2020 12:18

I grew up with an alcoholic father who did this, hiding cans in the shed, I wish we could have left, as others have said it is no life and will drag you down.

HeyDW96 · 19/12/2020 12:27

@Falalah well done! He will carry on like he doesn't care because Aslong as he has alcohol he will be satisfied, and sometimes quite oblivious to the destruction he is causing to everyone, so sad for you but glad you posted this thread, you're not alone!

Sssloou · 19/12/2020 12:38

It is v hard, v disrupting and sad that this is what you are faced with. But you need to see it as getting your children out of the forest fire to safety and the sooner you I this the least injuries they will endure.

Find support with Al Anon. They advocate “detach with love” - so that you see your withdrawal as an act of love for the alcoholic where they may or may not seek help. A word of caution though - even if he does promise to change - he needs to do this and be alone in his unrelapsed sobriety for at least a year before you should consider letting him back into you life in any meaningful way. Your DCs childhoods and emotional development stages are finite and have already been disrupted - they don’t have any more capacity to endure his recovery attempts with him. If he ever gets to this place he will understand and respect this.

I am sorry you are going through this and have this mountain to climb - but the day you leave you will give your DC a precious lifetime gift.

GingerBeverage · 19/12/2020 13:44

Trying to not take it personally, as this discovery has come after a ‘good run’ of him cutting down, and me helping him have an easier life so he is less stressed as this is one of his reasons for why he drinks.

So you know he hasn't cut down at all, right? He just made you think he was.
And you making his life easy doesn't change his drinking either. Stress is not why he drinks. He is an alcoholic.

FarFromTheMaddeningToddler · 19/12/2020 13:57

Sadly, I know how exactly you are feeling. I left my DH 3 months ago, he was also hiding alcohol from me and behaving awfully while under the influence (an influence he still denies)

The tipping point for me was when our 2 year old developed a nervous twitch due to the arguing and aggression when he was drunk. Funnily enough the twitch disappeared a week after I left.

You can do this. It’s not easy, I know that, but you are doing it for your children also, that spurred me on when I was wavering.

Original poster
Falalah · 19/12/2020 14:56

It’s daunting thinking of moving out, I don’t think he would leave the house if I asked. It would be awful living in the same house whilst things are sorted out. So, I think the plan will be for me and the kids too be out, but we jointly own the house so feel like it’s not fair. However, I think the stress and tension of staying put will be worse than the upheaval of moving out.

OP posts:
FarFromTheMaddeningToddler · 19/12/2020 15:21

@Falalah I understand completely. In fact, mine is still in the house 3 months later (we are renting though so a different situation in that respect) I have been lucky enough to be able to stay with relatives.

But you are right, even that is preferable to staying in the house with him. And you will find the same. I got advice from Women’s Aid and Shelter which was really useful. Perhaps speak to them before you leave to see what they say about your situation. You won’t be able to fix or cure him, all the time you’re with him he will carry on. That’s the advice I was given.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 19/12/2020 15:58

The house thing will be temporary though - once you petition for divorce, it's likely it will have to be sold whether he likes it or not.

And yes, it is an enormous upheaval. I think most of us on this thread have our stories on that. However, I can honestly say that once I detached from my alcoholic husband, my life got better and better. The process of getting him physically out of the family home was hard and incredibly traumatic, but our lives since have gone from strength to strength even though he died under pretty horrific circumstances. There are no words for how safe and secure you feel without an alcoholic to worry about.

MysteryMy · 19/12/2020 16:09

Do see a Family Law solicitor OP. They will be able to give you the facts on your legal situation and rights e.g. moving, selling house etc. Personally I would do this first. Will be helpful in giving you clarity re. future, and the decisions you need to make.

BritInAus · 20/12/2020 05:07

@ArrowsOfMistletoe

The house thing will be temporary though - once you petition for divorce, it's likely it will have to be sold whether he likes it or not.

And yes, it is an enormous upheaval. I think most of us on this thread have our stories on that. However, I can honestly say that once I detached from my alcoholic husband, my life got better and better. The process of getting him physically out of the family home was hard and incredibly traumatic, but our lives since have gone from strength to strength even though he died under pretty horrific circumstances. There are no words for how safe and secure you feel without an alcoholic to worry about.

Yep - all of this. The upheaval is a pain - it’s a real factor that stops many people breaking up. But honestly; the relief and peace and calm that comes with not living with an alcoholic is worth all that a hundred times over.

I would suggest you take photographs of the hidden cans etc, should you ever need these to demonstrate the scale of the problem for any future custody negotiations. Hopefully that won’t be a problem, but better to have and not need than wish you’d taken pics.

Tiddleypops · 20/12/2020 06:58

I've been exactly where you are op, to the letter. I sent myself crazy trying to help him (manipulate him) out of drinking. I counted empties. I took it personally, even though it had not one jot to do with me. All of it.
I too was terrified about divorce. My XH refused to move out. He also lost his (good) job while we were going through it. I owned our marital home and couldn't afford to rent somewhere else and also pay the mortgage on the house, simply for it to be a crash pad for a drinker. So we lived together throughout. It was awful.... But, he is gone now, finally..... This will be the first Christmas I don't have to endure the drinking, that smell of booze and the sour day after reek you talked of in your first post, I won't be treading on eggshells. My house is peaceful and safe and cosy.
I don't know whether my XH will choose to get support to stop drinking, but now that he is on his, he has the freedom to make his own choices. I can also have a lot more compassion for him now that I am not on the merry go round with him.

I had therapy as well which gave me a little confidence but it was Al-anon that really helped me massively. Talking to people who had walked in my shoes was a life saver. Good luck op, it is so difficult.

Eesha · 20/12/2020 07:33

Op, same situation, empty drink bottles everywhere but hidden. I thought he would change after he lost us. He still drinks now but pretends he doesn't. It will be 3 years split this Xmas and my life is so much happier even though I still feel really sad when I see him drunk. You'll get through this.

Original poster
Falalah · 20/12/2020 07:53

Thankyou everyone.

Sat here feeling guilty this morning, he’s upset that I don’t want to spend time with him, so he’s had pretty much a whole bottle of wine after I went to bed, on top of at least 4 bottles of beer that I know of. He says that if he feels like I don’t want to spend time with him then he just thinks ‘f*ck it, I’ll have another’. Sigh

OP posts:
annabell22 · 20/12/2020 08:02

It's not your fault.

MondayYogurt · 20/12/2020 08:08

Hi OP - he is telling you he's drinking more wine because of your behaviour. That's not true. He's drinking more wine because he's an alcoholic and he's using his illness to manipulate and control you.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You will be so much better off without this person blaming you for their alcoholism.

Tiddleypops · 20/12/2020 08:34

Projection is a major symptom of alcoholism Sad

FarFromTheMaddeningToddler · 20/12/2020 09:05

Please do not feel guilty. Alcoholics are masters of projection, will blame anything and everyone else.

Mine said that he needed alcohol to sleep because of the baby. Cue years of no help with night feeds or wakings, not being able to have the baby in bed with us because of the danger posed by him. His selfish behaviour has affected us all.

This is 100% not your fault, whatever he says. If you had stayed up he would have drunk it anyway. Mine used to ‘go outside for a smoke’ where conveniently he had alcohol hidden in his work van.