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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left after 25 years together

107 replies

2020notmyyear · 17/12/2020 19:58

Hi any help or advice would be much appreciated.
In January my husband said he loved me but wasn't in love with me and looked at me like a best friend and was leaving.. Which made me feel great!!! He didn't leave till September, said he wanted to be sure, I tried really hard to save our marriage not just for me but for our 3 children as well ..
We had been married for 20yrs most of them happy I thought and believed that we were strong together and would be together for ever..
Since he's left he texts and rings me every day.. Morning and night time.. I've since found out that he has a female friend who he said it's only friendship but they have been texting each other for most of our married life in secret, which feels like a massive betrayal.. He won't tell me who she is, as he says she is nothing to do with him leaving..
He comes 3or 4 times a week to see the children and for tea.. Hugs me when he leaves.
He said he wants us to be friends but I'm so confused and I don't believe him anymore.. I feel like I need space from him but scared of losing him in my life.
Any advice on what I can say or do please

OP posts:
Wnikat · 17/12/2020 20:18

You need to put some boundaries in place. At the moment he has everything his way. He’s free of his responsibilities but can still dip back in to his family whenever he wants. You need set times when he sees the children, without you there. He needs to lose you, properly, and you need to find yourself without him

Thatwentbadly · 17/12/2020 20:22

At the moment he is having his cake and eating it. He has left, he needs to stop coming into your home. It’s not good for you and it’s confusing for the children. You both need to set up regular contact with the children where he sees them at his new place.

Maybe over time you can be friends with him but not now. When you have made peace with your relationship having ended.

Thatwentbadly · 17/12/2020 20:23

Contact for now should be about the children, financial matter and divorce.

madcatladyforever · 17/12/2020 20:24

I agree with Wnikat, he is having his cake and eating it. He does not have a family life any more, he must see the children in his own time out of your home and he should be allowed to see you except briefly on handover. He is not your friend and has to learn he can't have both. Be tough with him, for your own sanity.

LightDrizzle · 17/12/2020 20:26

Wnikat is bang on.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2020 20:29

Op are you doing the pick me dance? You know he’s in a relationship with someone else. A romantic /sexual relationship right?

You need to stop doing the pick me dance. It doesn’t matter who she is, what is important is to know that it’s over, so you need to not be giving him his tea, sort out permanent custody arrangements, snd he can see the kids at where he lives.

mellicauli · 17/12/2020 20:30

Yup.

He wants you to be his Mum.
He needs to feel exactly how cold it is on the other side of that door.

shelvira · 17/12/2020 20:32

Don't be scared of losing him - he's already gone really. You are filling the gap he's left with a shadow of him when you need to fill that gap with something else, proper and substantial, for yourself.

Stop cooking for him - he can do that for himself - and stop the hugs - a peck on the cheek is fine and civil (perhaps an air kiss from you!) but that's all that's needed.

It's very hard I know, but I've watched a friend in this situation let her ex walk all over her - every time he had a little wobble, he'd text her and she'd reply whether it was 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning. She'd listen to him droning on about himself for hours and even have sex with him when he felt like it...... because like you, she was scared that if she wasn't available, he'd get whatever it was he wanted elsewhere. But he still gradually pulled away anyway - it was just long drawn out and ultimately perhaps more soul-destroying for her because it took place over a year or two.

So sorry OP.

If he is going to regret leaving you, then he needs to feel the force of your absence. He's not feeling that currently because you're still there.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 17/12/2020 20:38

I think you are well rid op! He's been shady with this woman for years, see the light and bid him farewell you deserve better than that. What a massive tosser to waste 25 years, men can be such selfish idiots. He will regret it I'm sure, but hopefully by then you'll have realised that your happier without him!

LilyLongJohn · 17/12/2020 20:38

He's already checked out of family and your marriage so you need to start to do the same re your marriage

Stop him coming round, if he wants to see the dc he can take them out

Stop texting him all the time, talk to him about the dc and divorce and nothing else

Seek legal advice and put the wheels in motion for the divorce

He's setting the scene to bring this woman into his life, he been pulling the wool over your eye regarding her a lot of your marriage.

Time to start to take control.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/12/2020 20:43

Fuck that, what a chancer! If the loser wants out then he gets no more home cooked meals, hugs or cozy chats. He can look after himself and the dc too when he is responsible for them.

Change the locks, see a lawyer, and get in touch with your righteous angry about his disloyal, cheating ways.

Hepzibar · 17/12/2020 20:48

You might want to change this over to Relationships, you will get some excellent advice on there from people who have been in your position.

Original poster
2020notmyyear · 17/12/2020 21:08

Thank you all for replying.. I just never thought I'd be in this position.. Hapzibar how do I change over to relationships?? Thanks

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/12/2020 21:10

Apart from anything else, you're going against COVID restrictions, surely?

stoplooking555 · 17/12/2020 21:19

I'm so sorry OP. I know exactly how you feel. Look up "the script". "I love you but I'm not in love with you"... Wheels out another woman.

You need to put you first now for your own sanity. That means strong boundaries in contact. Should only be about the children and sorting out the practical side of him leaving. No tea, no hugs, no texts...he's walking all over you and you'll never heal with this set up. He needs to see the kids at scheduled times, in his own space. Keep it business.

You're making him feel a lot better about his poor life choices as he'll think you're happy going along with this.

So sorry x

Changedmynameagain1 · 17/12/2020 21:25

@CurlyhairedAssassin don’t think they are. Instead of the kids going to him he comes t see them.
Children can see both parents in the covid world so it works both ways

SilentScreamQueen · 17/12/2020 21:46

@Rachels1877 If you press ‘Report’ in the top right of your OP you can ask MN to move it to the relationships board.
So sorry you are going through this Flowers

JinglingHellsBells · 17/12/2020 22:15

How do his visits work with Covid rules OP?

If he is not in 'your bubble' then he cannot come into your house.

I think you need to speak to him on this as well as setting other boundaries.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2020 22:17

Can’t believe this woman is going through this and folks are more bothered about if she’s obeying Covid rules

The world really has gone mad.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2020 22:17

He's made his choice and you need to make him live with it.

Verylongweek · 17/12/2020 22:23

Following as I’m going through something very similar.
He has moved out in theory “temp” while he descides and I’m fucking broken by it all.

Badwill · 17/12/2020 22:25

Apart from anything else, you're going against COVID restrictions, surely?

Jesus there's always one...

Straycats · 17/12/2020 22:29

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Apart from anything else, you're going against COVID restrictions, surely?
Seriously you're bringing that in!Hmm
TwentyViginti · 17/12/2020 22:29

For your own and your kid's sake stop giving him hugs and meals. You are not his mummy, and he is certainly no longer your friend. His side woman can provide him with home comforts. No chit chatty texts. Nada except regarding the DC.

Sort out proper contact for the DC without you being there.

You'll regain some self respect.

TwentyViginti · 17/12/2020 22:31

@Verylongweek

Following as I’m going through something very similar. He has moved out in theory “temp” while he descides and I’m fucking broken by it all.
Decides between you and another woman? Don't do the pick me dance.