Husband left after 25 years together

[2020notmyyear]

Hi any help or advice would be much appreciated.
In January my husband said he loved me but wasn't in love with me and looked at me like a best friend and was leaving.. Which made me feel great!!! He didn't leave till September, said he wanted to be sure, I tried really hard to save our marriage not just for me but for our 3 children as well ..
We had been married for 20yrs most of them happy I thought and believed that we were strong together and would be together for ever..
Since he's left he texts and rings me every day.. Morning and night time.. I've since found out that he has a female friend who he said it's only friendship but they have been texting each other for most of our married life in secret, which feels like a massive betrayal.. He won't tell me who she is, as he says she is nothing to do with him leaving..
He comes 3or 4 times a week to see the children and for tea.. Hugs me when he leaves.
He said he wants us to be friends but I'm so confused and I don't believe him anymore.. I feel like I need space from him but scared of losing him in my life.
Any advice on what I can say or do please

It’s really difficult to bring things to a close with someone you once loved , and probably still do . However, it was his choice to walk out , not yours .
He has it all , the family on one hand , where he still gets to hug his DW goodbye ( I don’t know how you could let him hug you after he told you it was leaving ), on the other hand he’s also getting to live the single life , with all the associated perks .
I would arrange someone else to be there during the DC handovers . He should live with the consequences of his decisions . He doesn’t want you , ok he doesn’t get to speak to or hug , or have any communication with you . This will also make your life easier . It’s hard to heal when someone is constantly ripping the band aid off and poking the wound .it’s just dragging it out
As with everything it takes time to be ok again , but you will be ok . The sooner you cut all unnecessary contact with him , the sooner you will get back on your feet

Sorry you had this shock. He has since been very unfairly using you as a comfort blanket while he gently eases into a new life and this set up is very good for him indeed. It is awful for you though, you can never move on while he is popping round for a bit of dinner and a hug. Totally agree with Dontletitbeyou, that he needs to live with the consequences of this decision and allow you to get on with your life, so have as little contact as possible with him. Be cold and formal. I know it is so difficult but don't reply to his texts and things unless it is 100% necessary. The longer the current situation carries on, the longer it will take for you to feel better. Can you tell him to stop contacting you unless it is about the children? How old are they?

I would be concerned that he is downplaying the role of this mystery female friend (who you have never heard of!) in order to keep his options open in case he changes his mind and eventually wants to come back. I do wonder if you would have been so accommodating up to this point if you knew half of what he has been up to, you know?

@LopsidedWombat and other PPs have it bang on.

If he has had an OW on the side during your marriage then I really don’t see how you can come back from that.

However if you do want to have a chance of saving your relationship, you need to start acting like you don’t care and making yourself unavailable to him. You also need to do this for your own healing process anyway. He can’t help you heal from the hurt he has caused.

Also, he needs to experience life without you. You have agency in this. At the moment you are letting him have things entirely on his terms. Stop doing the pick-me dance and making him feel like lord of the harem.

He needs to feel your absence and to feel that you’re building a life without him - not that you’re keeping the home fires burning in case he comes back. And you need to do this for a long time - not just a few weeks. Take back some power, OP, instead of acting like you have none. Acting powerful will actually make you feel more powerful. He might start to question his thinking if he feels he might actually lose you. But more to the point you need to start building a life without him in it and you won’t start to heal until you do.

Today is the first day that I haven't replied to text or answered the phone.. Reading all the comments is helpful.. I just feel like I've hit rook bottom. Thanks for the replies

@LopsidedWombat I spoke to him last night and said I need space which he said at the time he understands but that my friendship means everything!!! .. but still text and phoning today which I've ignored.. We have 3 children 17 14 11. I'm dreading Christmas this year.. I just want to get through it.

"Means everything"....not enough to treat you decently and not be secretly texting another woman for your entire marriage.

Selfish prick.

Get your financial arrangements sorted - now you are separate you will be entitled to single person council tax, and possibly tax credits- also, make sure child benefit is paid to you

If you are working, and have any joint finances, make sure your salary is paid to a separate account, and set up new bills in your name- he'ss have to pay his half of any outstanding balances

Dont have him in the house- its too hard for you and may confuse the children- plus its too easy for him- agree with previous posters that he has to feel the consequences of his decision.

Make sure he 'owns up' to family and friends- he has to tell them its his decision and behaviour thats splitting the family- dont bad mouth him to anyone, (this protects your dignity) but let them know its not your choice, you are hurt, you have been blindsided.

Care for yourself as much as you are caring for your children- you deserve kindness and compassion, get as much support from family and friends as possible.

Its awful that he has done this to you and your children- dont be forgiving to him, he should have treated you with respect and honesty.

make sure he has his financial obligations to the children on a formal footing

This is awful OP he is treating you so badly and massively taking the piss!

You need to put your hard hat on, be strong (even if you don’t feel it inside). He is doing all this to keep you onside, probably incase it doesn’t work out with the OW (he is shagging her, don’t be fooled).

It’s very easy for him to want to be friends because he’s checked out of your marriage. There is no emotion there for him.

You need to lay down some rules, he no longer comes round. He contacts you only about the children’s contact arrangements. He takes the children out or to wherever he is staying. Stop making life easy for him, he has shat all over you! He won’t like any of this because at the minute life is easy for him, he gets the best of both worlds! The comfort from you and sex from her. Keep ignoring the phone calls and texts. Tell him to stop unless it’s about the children, or contact via email.

Also, he’s left you but is not letting you heal which is utterly selfish, he is making sure he is still absolutely present in your life. So you need to be saying to him that no you are not friends, he chose to leave and has to deal with the consequences of that.

Also take care of yourself. Are you talking to friends and family? Don’t protect him.

Also, yes him coming back and forth is not fair on your children and will confuse them.

Don't feel bad about this. If he gave no communication that there was problems how could you know. You said you tried to save the marriage for months but did he try, or just biding his time? Listen to all on here. You need boundaries. He has put you in the Mum role where he is dipping in and out of family life as he pleases. Good luck

Don’t forget that also you are still doing 100% of the parenting here! He comes to the house where you are. Comes in and plays Disney dad I imagine. Why are you cooking for him? He doesn’t need to stay for tea! Stop pandering to him.

Tell him to pick the kids up, that way it also gives you a break. He isn’t actually doing any parenting right now, you’re doing everything.

If your 'friendship' meant anything to him he would respect your need for space. He's a user, OP.

M so sorry to read your posts. It must be so hurtful and a bit like a nightmare you’d hope to wake up from. He’s not the manager you thought he was for so many years. He’s been involved with another woman for years. Doesn’t really matter if it were a full on physical affair or an emotional affair. He’s been involved with another woman while lying to you. Lying by omission.

He’s now made the choice to be free to pursue this but wants to hold on to you by giving you little scraps. Either so he still had his “home” or to try to control you when it comes time to divorce, so you won’t try to obtain what you’re legally entitled to.

He’s not your friend here. He’s deceived you. Now it’s part manipulation

Please get done legal advice

If your friendship meant everything, he wouldn’t have had an OW on the side throughout your marriage and he wouldn’t have left you. Also, he wants to be able to feel okay about what he’s done and he can kid himself he hasn’t screwed you over if you’re still friends. It’s just talk, OP, and talk is cheap. Look at what he’s done.

Anyway, friendship is a two-way street. He’s not being your friend - he’s just taking. As PP said, get him to take the DCs. He doesn’t get to waltz in and play Disney Dad any more.

Well done for withdrawing and starting to set out boundaries, OP. You can do this. You need to do this. Get some RL support and keep posting here, also.

I'm all for keeping things friendly for the sake of the dc and not averse to having family dinners together, but this has enraged me. OP your ex (because that is what he is, he has checked out of the marriage) is getting food and comfort/companionship in your house and sex in another, with the added bonus that he doesn't have to have the dc encroaching in his and the OWs space.
Let him know that you need to move on just as he has done so communication needs to be on a needs must basis about the dc and finances. He might then realize that he is in love with you

We have 3 children 17 14 11. I'm dreading Christmas this year.. I just want to get through it.

I’d text him and say that you’ll make the children available for him to see over the Christmas period so you need to know now when he’ll be seeing them. I really wouldn’t let him stop by and play Disney Dad, it’s not fair on them to think things are still the way they used to be.

“Let him know that you need to move on just as he has done so communication needs to be on a needs must basis about the dc and finances.”

@cactusisblooming has expressed it perfectly.

Text him back with a rota for him to see the dc.

Tell him he also needs to take them out of the house as he's no longer to see them in the house.

Do not text him about anything other than the dc

I bet my bottom dollar he'll turn up later. Block the door, resting bitch face 'what can I help you with' if he says he wants to see the kids, tell him you'll send them out in 5 mins if that's what you want, or tell him no he can see them on x date at x time and shit the door in his face.

There's only one reason that men treat us so badly. Because we let them.

So sorry you're going through this OP but you need to catch up really quickly because he's months if not years of planning ahead of you.

He is not your friend. He is not your DH. He is the father of your children and soon to be exH. Please don't do the pick me dance. The only way this man will ever realise what he's done, or how much he misses you is if you do a relationship 180. (Google it)

He's getting a big fucking gateau and eating it right now, whilst lying to your face and manipulating you so he can live his fantasy life. I don't fucking think so.

Get the rage. Don't be sad, be angry that he thinks he can treat you so badly and wish such disrespect. Is this the man you thought he was? I doubt it.

Contact with the kids is now on your terms, and at his expense. He can pick them up and give you some space. And during that time, you use that time to get your ducks in a row, financials, see a solicitor and be the one in charge of the ship because right now you're being led right into a hole by your 'd'h.

You can do this. You have to do this, he is not your friend any more. He is lying to your face and using you for what he can get. Don't let him.

He won't tell me who she is, as he says she is nothing to do with him leaving.
If they've been texting for years, perhaps she's just become single lately. Any of your friends recently single?

He is not your friend.

As soon as you start getting strong and not putting up with his shit he will no doubt start playing the victim so just be prepared for his bullshit.

Well yes, YOUR friendship means everything because he gets support and love and practical stuff from you. But a friendship is supposed to be two ways and you are not getting ANY of that from him.

Stay strong OP. He wanted the divorce, you didn't. So he doesn't get to keep you in his life when it's causing you pain. If he was truly your "friend" he'd understand that.

[quote Rachels1877]@LopsidedWombat I spoke to him last night and said I need space which he said at the time he understands but that my friendship means everything!!! .. but still text and phoning today which I've ignored.. We have 3 children 17 14 11. I'm dreading Christmas this year.. I just want to get through it.[/quote]
Your friendship (or wife work) may mean everything to him but he is certainly not been a good friend to you. He is fucking you over by taking 9 months to make a decision and then not giving you what you need when you ask for it. Its all about him and his needs.

@Rachels1877 He is texting/ringing you etc to make himself feel better/ease his conscience incase he needs to come back if his new relationship does not work out.

As hard as it is do not text back as this is making him feel better.

Regards handling everyday life, concentrate on what you are doing.

Ie - if you work concentrate on that.
If you are thinking of Christmas food shopping - concentrate of what you are writing on the list. The same with Christmas day concentrate on the day. I was in your position 10yrs ago it does get easier.

Good luck 💐

As to not telling you who this woman is - it's all bollocks. If she was nothing to do with the decision to leave, there would be no reason not to tell you who she is.

Anyway - while it's natural to be very interested to know who this woman is, you need to stop showing any interest in the question because it's just another way for him to hold the power. Stop showing an interest in him and his life. For the time being, fain indifference. Eventually indifference will come but you will need anger first to fuel the next steps which you need to take such as getting his time with the kids on a proper footing so that you have some time for yourself to take legal advice and get your ducks in a row. As PP have said - he is way ahead of you on that and you need to protect yourself from him. Right now - he is not your friend. That doesn't mean you can't be friends in the future and you don't need to go to war with him now. But you do need to build boundaries and get yourself clued up so that you can move on without him.