Husband left after 25 years together

[2020notmyyear]

Hi any help or advice would be much appreciated.
In January my husband said he loved me but wasn't in love with me and looked at me like a best friend and was leaving.. Which made me feel great!!! He didn't leave till September, said he wanted to be sure, I tried really hard to save our marriage not just for me but for our 3 children as well ..
We had been married for 20yrs most of them happy I thought and believed that we were strong together and would be together for ever..
Since he's left he texts and rings me every day.. Morning and night time.. I've since found out that he has a female friend who he said it's only friendship but they have been texting each other for most of our married life in secret, which feels like a massive betrayal.. He won't tell me who she is, as he says she is nothing to do with him leaving..
He comes 3or 4 times a week to see the children and for tea.. Hugs me when he leaves.
He said he wants us to be friends but I'm so confused and I don't believe him anymore.. I feel like I need space from him but scared of losing him in my life.
Any advice on what I can say or do please

Our situations are so similar. In my case the OW’s long term relationship broke down and I think that gave my DH an in which he took.

I also have a situation where DH is coming to the house. It’s difficult and I much prefer the days when he’s not here now as I’m calmer. I think, at least initially, I was still trying to cling to my old life. It’s incredibly hard to reconcile the man you see now with who you thought he was.

I have also heard that I am a ‘great friend’, but what sort of person betrays a friend in the way he has.

I know it’s difficult though - I find it hard to do what I need to do too.

This man is not your friend.
His visits are to ease his conscience and he isn't thinking of you.
He wants to leave you? The. He has lost the right to gain access to you and your home.

I'm sorry, OP

I’d agree - it’s a low cost way to make him feel like he’s a good guy.

Be prepared for him to turn nasty too. It will all be YOUR fault - you drove him to it etc etc. My DH accused me of being ‘disloyal’ when I wouldn’t keep his affair secret! He also said that ‘he was only unfaithful at the weekends’. 🤣🤣

@Rachels1877 These people who essentially try and friend zone their spouses really make me angry because they've made the decision to leave but won't fully commit to it. If you're going to leave then actually leave! When my exh put me in a similar position, he too was desperate to maintain a friendship but as soon as his emotional needs were met by someone new he dropped me like a hot potato. I only wish I'd cut him off much, much sooner. He was never my friend.

Actions have consequences and he doesn't get to cherry pick the aspects of your relationship that he wants to keep for whatever self-serving reasons he might have. I agree with others who have said that a bit of anger might do you good, that was certainly true in my case at least. It's much easier to do what you need to in this sort of scenario when you are angry rather than sad.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure why everyone is demonizing the OP's stbx. Even the most good and decent person can fall out of love, it happens. At least he had the heart to openly admit it, and to move out. I soooo wish that my stbx did this when he had stopped loving me instead of becoming cold and distant and torturing me with 'don't start, of course I love you' line for months and months...

And I can understand that not being in love any more doesn't mean a person no longer cares, and that those years together no longer mean anything. All of us can care deeply about our friends and family without wanting to engage in romantic and sexual relationship with them... you can feel the same towards a former partner too I'm sure...

Blue because the ex wants to keep a foot in both camps so to speak, to meet his own needs but has happily left the OP high and dry. From the OP he hasn't once asked her about what she wants/needs going forward, it's all about him. I can guarantee that if OP takes a hard line approach he will decide the grass isn't greener on the other side and he'll "come to his senses" and want to come back.

Don’t respond to him all weekend. Just don’t. Fuck him. Find your anger. Let him stew. Your kids are old enough to understand

But @BlueLorikeet he is imposing that friendship on the OP who is still reeling from her husband leaving. He has decided they are friends without having any consideration for the devastation he has caused the OP.

Look at what he’s doing, he gets to waltz in 3 times a week to see the DC, have his tea cooked for him and then go back to the OW the rest of the time. Where is his responsibility? Why is he not collecting the kids and taking them out? Why is he not having them every other weekend? Why is the OP still doing all the parenting and having to carry the mental load?

It’s very easy to want to be friends when it provides a very nice easy life for him. As a pp said, he is cherry picking the aspects of the relationship he wants to keep. As soon as the OP stands up to this his attitude will change.

I understand, he's been somewhat selfish and insensitive. We all are human and can be like this sometimes. But, OP, if you actually TELL him that texts/visits/hugs are making things more difficult for you, he might become more considerate in this sense, who knows?

Well done on not jumping to answer him. Baby steps and all that.
Remember the sentence, 'I'll think about it and let you know.' Always give yourself time to think things through.
I'm completely suspicious he is timing his visits to coincide with your meal times. Outrageous.

Could you try having the dc in their coats on the doorstep ready for the next time you expect him?
He is a parent too. Let him be one.

It's nice, isn't it? When you can break up with someone, turn your family's life upside down... but still chat to your ex over text whenever you want, and have family dinners three times a week, where you all pretend that he hasn't hurt you and pulled the rug out from under your lives. I imagine he's desperate to avoid feeling guilt over what he's done, and this 'happy family' charade lets him do that.

This is the absolute best outcome for him... but it's making the whole thing so much more painful for you. He's being selfish.

Well I didn't answer text or phone but he turned up anyway after I said Sunday... We had a chat about it not right him behaving like this and that's he's given me the worse year of my life..and I need space.. He got upset and said that he understands and left.. It feels like the most unnatural thing pushing him away but I know I have to for my own mental health..
Thanks for all the support

He doesn't have a god given entitlement to your friendship!!!

He's being very manipulative saying that it means a lot to him.

How can you heal from the dissolution of a marriage when he's popping in for tea three times a week, hugging you when he leaves and telling you that your friendship is important to him!!

That is the most selfish way to behave after leaving a partner. It really is unbelieeeeeeeeevably selfish.

Tell him that you don't want to be friends. You were his wife. Now you need to heal and move on.

I said earlier he'd turn up.

You did the right thing OP. You need to start to take control and make plans for yourself without him keeping one foot in the relationship

Honestly, in this situation I'd hire a male model around my age to be outside washing the car as he picks the children up. I'd tell the children it's a friend helping mummy with some DIY while they are at their dad's place...

Hi OP so sorry you are going through this.

My partner left after 22 years. I won't go into it as it's not quite the same. But I did learn an awful lot about the pain and complexities of long term relationships ending. And the lying. Not just the immediate lying about the affair (in my case) but the lying that had been going on for years about how he felt about the relationship. During one heated argument he screamed at me that he had been 'managing' me for years. He later took that back saying he had wanted to hurt me - but actually I think it was true. He knew he wanted out at some point, but parked those feelings because it was inconvenient, difficult to leave and I think he wanted own son to be grown.

"Friend", "nothing to do with him leaving" ? won't tell you who she is? I think it is outrageous he won't tell you. Without a doubt he has been sleeping with her. I think you have likely been 'managed' too.

He's managing you still. But make no mistake he has left. Friendship? My ex wanted that too, in fact I think my ex wanted me to help him recover from the relationship he had broken. If I had tried to be friends I would have been eternally caught in a cycle of buried longing. And he wouldn't have cared less.

It did take me about 7 - 8 months to get to the point where I was strong enough to cut all contact. I have not spoken to him in 3.5 years. It was my choice to make it so extreme. It was the only way to survive and regain self-respect.

Personally I would not stand for the witholding of information about the other woman. He's witholding for a reason. She's known to you, or married and leaving her partner. It may have been planned for years. If you can afford it (or make him pay) get a good counsellor (forget relate).

Don't feel bad you can't break contact yet, but work towards it. But you do need to see his bullshit for what it is. You are been manipulated to play a pre-designed role in a breakup he has planned and he is controlling.

good luck and courage my freind.

I knew he was going to turn up today. Funny how he still wants your company but none of the responsibility of actually maintaining a relationship. He doesn’t get to have you. Cut him off. You have to make him feel the weight of his decision and if (as we all suspect) his head has been turned you wing end up feeling bitter and resentful as he moves on while you can’t because he’s still dipping in and out. Focus on getting through Christmas and in the new year time to start online dating and find yourself some fun. Doesn’t have to lead anywhere. Go and have some hot rebound sex.

@rosabug what a difficult thing to go through. Was there another woman involved? How are you now? Have you found happiness?

He got upset

He got upset. He got upset. He left you and has another woman and yet he got upset when you dared to challenge how he is playing this out. I would be telling him very clearly that he doesn’t get to be upset because he destroyed your life and from now on you will be making the decisions and only want to be contacted about when he is having the children (and not in your house).

OP,

The level to which you are being played is just so sad.

He honestly couldn't give a toss about you.

His focus is utterly on himself.
Utterly.

He is doing this to convince himself and the world that this was an amicable breakup. That you can all be mature and friends. That your relationship as co parents is strong. Problem is, this is how he wants to portray things and leaves no room for your feelings. I’ve been there, and it was a Christmas when I put my foot down and said no, you can’t call by tomorrow as we are having a pyjama day. He thought I was being the unreasonable one, denying him access to our day. The three times my ex was angriest were:
1 when I asked him to leave after uncovering his affair
2 14 months later (!) when I blocked his intrusion on our pyjama day 27th December
3 when I told him I’d applied for divorce
All of the above upset his narrative of a loving, understanding parting of ways but in fact it was all him controlling my response to his departure. It took me a long time to defeat this ‘but I’m only’ device of his which denied me my right to live my own life.
Actually there was another:
4 when I told him he should buy his own hoover as his habit was to ‘borrow’ mine to clean his flat (twice yearly). Because he assumed he had the right to assert ownership of everything we had once shared. In fact, the hoover moment was the inauspicious trigger for me to stand on my own two feet. Find your hoover moment. I owe that yellow Miele a lot.

I think the ages of your dc is a great help. They are not toddlers.
They are old enough to arrange their own times with their df. Even the 11 year old.Im sure they can arrange pick ups and drop offs without you there.

Worse comes to the worse the older kids look after the younger one while they await pick up.

I think the fact that HE was upset is a big giveaway that your relationship is all about him (in his eyes-he wants you to be a supportive friend to him, but he’s not thinking about your feelings at all. Can’t he see what he’s done to you?!

True friends are kind and thoughtful towards each other. His behavior pretty much proves that he’s not your friend. I know that must really hurt, but you don’t need someone like him in your life. I’m glad you’re distancing yourself, it’s what you need. 💐

Well done for starting to hold him accountable
He is the instigator not you so don’t be made to feel guilty or uncomfortable
The fact he came when you said not to shows he is not taking you seriously
He puts himself before you and your children. He will continue to put the blame all on you so be prepared.
A new mantra for you
I am strong, I am worthy , I will not be manipulated,

Courage lovely lady , gather support from trusted friends and family and talk to your children. If he wants to genuinely see his kids that’s for him to arrange a venue not for you . How much of this dipping in and out is about him controlling you and the children?