Husband left after 25 years together

[2020notmyyear]

Hi any help or advice would be much appreciated.
In January my husband said he loved me but wasn't in love with me and looked at me like a best friend and was leaving.. Which made me feel great!!! He didn't leave till September, said he wanted to be sure, I tried really hard to save our marriage not just for me but for our 3 children as well ..
We had been married for 20yrs most of them happy I thought and believed that we were strong together and would be together for ever..
Since he's left he texts and rings me every day.. Morning and night time.. I've since found out that he has a female friend who he said it's only friendship but they have been texting each other for most of our married life in secret, which feels like a massive betrayal.. He won't tell me who she is, as he says she is nothing to do with him leaving..
He comes 3or 4 times a week to see the children and for tea.. Hugs me when he leaves.
He said he wants us to be friends but I'm so confused and I don't believe him anymore.. I feel like I need space from him but scared of losing him in my life.
Any advice on what I can say or do please

Tina turnoff i hear you. The trigger for me leaving was not being allowed to make a final decision on what saucepan to buy.

I hope @Rachels1877 reads your post. The points anout the amicable narrative suiting him and the wife he left not even allowed her own reaction to that are just so spot on.

It seems on the surface to outsiders, perhaps, a good thing, to be amicable and civilised.... but where are you allowed to have a reaction.

I am reading all the messages.. I'm finding it hard to except that I have been controlled and being played.. But if I'm honest the controlling has got worse over the last 7yrs but it's not until someone points it out that you start to think. He is a very strong person with a big personality.. Our children all have medical issues and one is still having tests done.. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and would like to fast forward the next few months.. I'm sure the anger will come out eventually..
He hasn't got his own place and the children prefer to stay here but I'm working later on so I won't be home..
Thanks for listening.

I told him yesterday that he could come today and that routine would start in new year.. He needs to listen and give me space..

It's so easy to be played like this. It has happened to plenty of us. It's so hard to know 'is this what I really want?' for all the tiny daily decisions, so you bend with the wind, a bit, you are accommodating, you're obliging, you're naturally more inclined to give than to take........ and then before you know where you are, he's forced his narrative on you!!! Because it suits him to split amicably and rob you of the legitimate right to your own reaction.

Please let this be the wake up, the coffee

As soon as I stopped my ex coming into the house, sitting down and having tea with us, popping round to see the kids whenever he could fit them in.......he stopped bothering with them. Hasn’t seen them in 9 months because he can’t come and go when he pleases. Doesn’t want formal arrangements because I guess that impacts on his new life with the OW and her child. As soon as I stopped playing the pick me dance (I did it realise I was doing it, but I was), and I set boundaries, he showed his true colours. He didn’t want to parent, he checked out of that a long time ago, he wanted his cake and eat it, play Disney dad.
My children are much better off without him in their lives, much calmer, and they know exactly where they stand. It’s awful for them to know they stand behind another woman and her child, but at least they know their place in his life. I don’t help facilitate his relationship with them anymore, that’s down to him.

It’s not all about what the children want OP. If it doesn’t suit you then stop him coming to the house. Now is the time to rise up and be in charge of your own life

Also the children develop their own sense of justice. You might discover they have feelings of unease of their own, and that they sense the wrongness of his presence. They might not express it (yet) but they will arrive at their own conclusions. Why doesn’t he have his own domestic setup yet?