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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bloody DH and his miserly ways.

126 replies

sweetkitty · 15/12/2020 00:13

Just having a rant really but it’s difficult in a relationship when you both have a different outlook on finances.

Tonight I went to the chiropractor and stupidly forgot my bank card (had been shopping online) so I used our joint credit card we use for petrol (as DH gets like 1% cash back) when I got home it was dinnertime so I forgot all about it then I went for a nap (reason I’m at chiropractor is I don’t sleep well for to pain). Next thing DH stomps up the stairs having a go at me for putting £37 on the card, I sleepily said oh don’t worry we’ll sort it when we both get paid on Thursday. We stomped off in a mood and sent me a text about my attitude!

I then said sorry I forgot my card and had to use the card, to which he said well don’t let it happen again like I was a child not his wife with the joint credit card.

We don’t and have never had a joint bank account because of things like this because if I spent a fiver he would want to know why and where! Our finances are messy in that when he gets paid he gives me a contribution to the bills I pay then I give him money back when I get paid. This month we get paid the same day so on Thursday I’ll be giving him about £800 because of Christmas. Between us we are earning into 6 figures so he doesn’t have to be worried like this. The rest of what I earn I’ll keep but he will moan I spend too much etc etc. If the supermarket shop goes over his “budget” by £10 he’ll moan. Sometimes I’ll tell him he’s still in the 90s as he doesn’t get inflation and what things cost nowadays.

I’m not frivolous and like a bargain, shop around etc but we have four DCs and feeding and clothing them costs money.

I’ve given him back the joint credit card now and am not going to use it again since it’s such a bone of contention for him. Of it had been the other way round I would have said oh just forget about it, he reminds me of I borrow a fiver off him!

OP posts:
VetOnCall · 15/12/2020 00:30

I could not live like that. I understand being careful with money if you have to be but I absolutely cannot stand mean, miserly people; it's such a joyless way to live and such an unattractive trait. I would find his miserable, shitty, sour faced attitude all the more galling in your situation as it sounds like you have a very high income and as you say, you're not frivolous. He sounds like a controlling prick as well. Honestly I would give him his precious £37 and tell him to get to fuck with it, this is no way to live.

Unicant · 15/12/2020 00:33

wow hes awful! I think you need to have a conversation with him about the joint credit card and treating you like a child or like a stranger even.. rather than his wife. You are supposed to be a team ... would he honestly rather you just didn't go for your appointment for dealing with back pain rather than use the joint card? That's horrible.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 15/12/2020 00:36

He’s not a controlling prick as I don’t allow him to be a controlling prick. I’m just so angry that he’s got so het up over £37! Oh it will ge getting thrown at him.

He says he cannot change the way he is well neither can I. And whilst I’m not frivolous I’m not miserable with money either. Sometimes he’s ok but you can see in the back of his mind he’s really not. Most of the time I tell him it’s my money I’ve earned it he can STFU. I can assure you I am not controlled Grin it’s is his most ugly trait though.

OP posts:
happystone · 15/12/2020 00:51

This is terrible. I’m glad you are earning your own money. If you weren’t your life would be hell.he is an asshole with regards to money.

Chloemol · 15/12/2020 00:53

Instead of all the swapping about why don’t you have a joint acct just for the bills and both transfer to that. Then anything else is yours

Original poster
sweetkitty · 15/12/2020 01:01

I was a SAHM for years and it was actually fine. He gave me a set amount as my money and that was that, never asked how I spent it etc. He knew better as I would have went straight back to work and dumped him with a childcare bill plus he was happier the DC were with me.

I’m going to sort out this swapping about come the new year as it’s driving me mad too. I know I’ve painted him too harshly as I’m so angry tonight but it’s tricky when a couple has differing views on money.

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 15/12/2020 01:08

Couldn't live like that, if something I don't recognise pops up on the banking app, I say to to DH were you in Sainsburys (or wherever) the other day ?

He replies yes, I say oh fine. Just always on receive for rogue transactions.... all well.

Taking you to task for spending money on something that was needed and hasn't even fallen due, is a red flag to me.

Onthemaintrunkline · 15/12/2020 01:13

I could not ever be with someone this small-minded. To live with someone who checks up on my spending and then feels he has the right to comment....I mean what the heck. You’re both adults, by what you say there is no reason for him to check up or comment on your spending. He sounds as if, in his mind at least, he’s the one definitely in charge. What other of his rules do you live by? You don’t seem to have the financial freedom of an adult woman. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/12/2020 01:15

The only time DH asks me what I have spent on the joint credit card/bank account is if it a transaction he wouldn’t recognise or not a regular shop I use, but like another PP says that is to check for any rogue transactions. He certainly wouldn’t ask me to refund him

VetOnCall · 15/12/2020 01:16

Moaning about the supermarket shop being a tenner over budget, actually waking you up to have a go at you for using a joint credit card for an essential appointment - with the result that you said you won't use it any more to keep him happy - and then texting you to berate you further, and not having a joint account because he would question you every time you so much as spent a fiver sounds controlling to me, but I'm only going on what I read and what I would or wouldn't tolerate. I'm glad you don't feel like he's controlling but I'd still be having words with him about his attitude and how he sees/treats you with respect to money.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 01:24

He is controlling because you are constantly having to defend and stand up for yourself. It's like he's your father and you're the headstrong child. This is not healthy and it is not normal. I can't even imagine living this way.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 01:28

I know I’ve painted him too harshly as I’m so angry tonight but it’s tricky when a couple has differing views on money.

I'm sorry op, but you are kidding yourself if you believe this is about money. You have plenty of money, a fiver or £37 means nothing. It's about control, him keeping the upper hand and letting you know your place. This has fuck all to do with money.

BlueThistles · 15/12/2020 01:49

maybe vent your anger at the man you say isn't controlling instead of the kind posters that merely advised you of what they thought ... 🌺

Redruby2020 · 15/12/2020 01:55

But that is controlling, he is telling you what to do with your money that you've earnt?

PerveenMistry · 15/12/2020 01:59

What a complete and utter asshole he is, OP! Unbelievable.

Boymumzy · 15/12/2020 02:16

What you have described is Financial abuse.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 15/12/2020 02:22

I’ve not been able to sleep tonight because I’m still upset and angry with him. He doesn’t tell me how to spend my money I earn I don’t allow him to. I’ve never felt like he controls me in our relationship.

I think he thought I had ran out of money hence putting the chiropractor on the credit card but so what if I had, it’s no big deal, it’s 2 days to pay day, I’d have paid it off. Any decent husband would have said that’s a bloody shame she’s in so much pain she’s having to shell out twice a week for the chiropractor.

I was shouting at him who the hell are you talking to like that? I’m his wife not a child to be chastised for doing something naughty.

He’s always checking his own accounts and spreadsheets, he’s one of these people who knows where every penny is every minute of the day and moves money about to get cash back deals. Me I’m more laidback, yes I’ve overspent this month the Christmas shopping is all done but it’s 2 days to pay day the bills are all paid etc that’s the main thing.

OP posts:
grassisjeweled · 15/12/2020 02:25

Yeah, I'd have trouble living like that tbh.

Change things up with him, op

PerveenMistry · 15/12/2020 02:26

I don't blame you.

The fundamental disrespect would be galling. Why isn't he focusing on your health rather than an inconsequential expense???

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 15/12/2020 02:33

What a bloody miserable way to live your one precious life! But you seem to think its just annoying rather than a deal breaker, so I guess you will have to put up with it, because he isn't going to change.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 15/12/2020 02:36

It’s not the fact I paid for it, it’s the fact I put it on the joint credit card for some bloody reason. He’s still a miserable bastard though.

I honestly don’t feel I’m being financially abused and I don’t think I’m kidding myself. I read about women on here not on the mortgage, aren’t given any money by their DH etc. I have well over a thousand pounds a month to myself for luxuries which DH never really comments on. I could go out tomorrow and say buy an Apple Watch and he wouldn’t say a thing (because I’ve done it), my money I’ve earned I spend it.

He might say oh what you buying now SK and I’ll say shut it but that’s about it.

Still going to have it out with him tomorrow though still utterly pissed with him. £37!!!??? Shove it and the card where the sun don’t shine.

OP posts:
Eekay · 15/12/2020 02:36

The bit that really sticks out is that he actually woke you from sleep to have a go at you.
Whether it was about £37 (which is obviously not a can't-feed-the-kids sum for your house) or any another small matter.
This is really crap, aggressive behaviour.
You sound like you're constantly having to defend yourself. I would have flipped at being woken by my husband telling me off, that would really upset me.

peboh · 15/12/2020 02:47

I'm really struggling with your posts. You're saying you're not being financially abused, however you're calling him every name under the sun because he micromanages your joint credit card and finances.

cabingirl · 15/12/2020 03:04

If the card is always fully paid off each month and you'd used it, not paid it off and let it build some interest then it might warrent a "did you realise the card wasn't paid off this month" conversation. But a tiny insignificant amount that you haven't even had time to pay off yet - that has caused no financial stress at all and he gets this worked up - that's not normal.

You need your own credit card.

BusterGonad · 15/12/2020 03:05

I agree with the others, the only reason you think you're not being financially abused is because you earn your own money, It would be interesting to see what would happen if you didn't, you say he was great when you were a sahp for a bit but now your kids are older I bet he wouldn't be so understanding. Also what type of relationship is it where you've got to stand your ground and tell him to stuff it when you've spent money on yourself? And why does he go so mad when you go £10 over the food budget? You're a 6 figure income household. This Is so bizarre. I bet he's got thousands squirreled away which I expect is all for himself.