Bloody DH and his miserly ways.

[sweetkitty]

Just having a rant really but it’s difficult in a relationship when you both have a different outlook on finances.

Tonight I went to the chiropractor and stupidly forgot my bank card (had been shopping online) so I used our joint credit card we use for petrol (as DH gets like 1% cash back) when I got home it was dinnertime so I forgot all about it then I went for a nap (reason I’m at chiropractor is I don’t sleep well for to pain). Next thing DH stomps up the stairs having a go at me for putting £37 on the card, I sleepily said oh don’t worry we’ll sort it when we both get paid on Thursday. We stomped off in a mood and sent me a text about my attitude!

I then said sorry I forgot my card and had to use the card, to which he said well don’t let it happen again like I was a child not his wife with the joint credit card.

We don’t and have never had a joint bank account because of things like this because if I spent a fiver he would want to know why and where! Our finances are messy in that when he gets paid he gives me a contribution to the bills I pay then I give him money back when I get paid. This month we get paid the same day so on Thursday I’ll be giving him about £800 because of Christmas. Between us we are earning into 6 figures so he doesn’t have to be worried like this. The rest of what I earn I’ll keep but he will moan I spend too much etc etc. If the supermarket shop goes over his “budget” by £10 he’ll moan. Sometimes I’ll tell him he’s still in the 90s as he doesn’t get inflation and what things cost nowadays.

I’m not frivolous and like a bargain, shop around etc but we have four DCs and feeding and clothing them costs money.

I’ve given him back the joint credit card now and am not going to use it again since it’s such a bone of contention for him. Of it had been the other way round I would have said oh just forget about it, he reminds me of I borrow a fiver off him!

Can’t believe people actually put up with a life like this.

Exactly. Op says she doesn't tolerate this. Not tolerating something means you don't accept it and you don't have that around you.

He’s not a controlling prick as I don’t allow him to be a controlling prick.

Says the woman who has handed back a joint credit card to avoid her H’s mosning.

Moaning

Shocking way to behave if you are earning a six figure sum between you . Could just about understand it if you were on an incredibly low income but that's an appalling attitude. As others have said, he is controlling you but in such a "clever" way that you choose not to see it.

My DH have always shared a bank account, for years I was a SAHM (by choice), I spent what I liked ... obviously as an adult I don't over spend but I certainly didn't need to account for what I spend. Now I work part time, again by choice, my DH earns five times what I earn but but wouldn't dream of questioning what I spend "our" money on.

How did it get like this, how could you have four children with someone who is so mean with money ?

Would he consider putting X amount into a kids/household/food fund rather than splitting it as you go, that way he could budget his own money knowing what he has left? P.S. I agree he was being v unreasonable, just trying to think of a "neater" way of organising your finances so he doesn't get wound up and act like a dick! You could agree that any leftover money each month goes into a family savings account to be used in emergencies or for holidays

Can I just bring up - is there more to “putting it on credit card” than meets the eye? Do you know the balance of the credit card etc could it be he’s run it up and it’s tipped it over your credit limit?

You need Apple Pay.

This behaviour would genuinely kill all sexual desire for me. Don't know how you do it.

Its hard to see that you're being controlled when you are in the thick of it but you are being financially controlled by this individual. You receive a salary but you're still being made to be accountable here by him for your spending.

What do you get out of this utterly miserable relationship now?. Why on earth are you with this man at all, it is now mainly because and for the children?.

What Mathanxiety wrote here in its entirety. This is not about money as such; its about power and control and he wants absolute here over you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you want to be showing them for they to potentially cope themselves?.

Denial after all is a powerful force. And just because you answer him back as well does not mean to say that you are not being controlled here by him; you and in turn your kids absolutely are. Ask yourself why you and he are infact still together.

Yeah he’s a miser. All he cared about about was the £37, not about you having a rest or getting some treatment for your back. What a nice guy.

He needs a wake-up call. Find your anger & give it to him with both barrels. Give him something real to worry about. He is controlling, you just keep making excuses for him. Let him know there’s a line in the sand & he just crossed it.

My dad is a penny-pinching git with no real compassion for anything other than his bank balance. My mum started off like you, having to fight her corner. Now they’re divorced & still all he gives a shit about is his money, but she’s a lot happier. Men like this don’t change; they actually get worse as they get older.

Give him a copy of A Christmas Carol for Xmas. Underline, in particular the bits that highlight the complete miserliness of his character. Hopefully he’ll have an epiphany & go out on New Year’s Day to buy the biggest turkey in town.

Good luck.

People have really deep seated ideas about money and it can be hard to change but I couldn't live like that. We earn a lot less than six figures and don't have a joint account but we also are more or less on the same page which helps.

Blimey he is so very miserly!!! I am not surprised you are angry or upset.

Is it worth marriage counselling to thrash it out? Mainly about his attitude- the over reaction to £37 to the point he disturbed your much needed sleep to chastise you?

It's a horrible underlying tension to live with.

I once worked for a lady who’s husband was earning a fortune in his retirement, had two Porsches in the garage (one a sports car, one the 4x4 version). And yet she had to account for every penny she spent. Had to hand over receipts every month. She was totally miserable.

Joint counselling would be a non starter here (can you actually see such a man deign to sit in front of a counsellor at all?) and is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. This man loves control far more than his wife and children.

If counselling is to be considered the OP should attend on her own and thrash out a lot of stuff not least of all starting with what she learnt about relationships when she was growing up.

Presumably he knows why you see the chiropractor? Any sane man would have said hope you felt the appointment worked etc rather than riling you up to negate the benefit of the appointment. Quite nasty behaviour in my view regardless of his ridiculous issues Re money. Hood luck with your talk.

If my DH woke me up to moan about a bill, he'd be wearing the credit card. This is not how people treat each other.

I honestly can't believe he woke you up to ask you about £37 knowing you're in pain, and then sent you a text about your attitude. To me that smacks of being a bully! Who in their right mind would do this to someone who's in bed and obviously in pain.

And all because of £37 on a credit card, quite frankly who bloody cares

I hope you managed to get some sleep op and you give him hell today.

You say he's not controlling but that he had a go at you using the JOINT credit card.
You also said he spied to you like a child fo using it.
Surely he would be more concerned how your back is??

You have 4 children and no joint account. That obvs isn't working very well.

‘ He’s not a controlling prick as I don’t allow him to be a controlling prick’

That seems like denial. You’re complying with a lot of his ‘requests’ on money matters.

If you stay in the relationship, please try to avoid being financially dependent on him again.

Life is too short for this shit. Just spend your wages on whatever you want. Let him stash his away doesn’t mean you have to. You can’t take it with you what’s the point you may aswell enjoy it while you can

Six figures between you, £1000 clear a month for you to spend as you wish and you’re still waiting for payday to have £37 to transfer to the credit card? Sounds like a spendthrift married to a miser, both of whom shout at each other and neither of whom respect the other. A lot of work is needed to get this relationship back on track OP.

Gosh that sounds awful. We probably have a fraction of your income and we never fight over money like this. It must drive you mad.

For someone with that kind of wealth to get that het up I would wonder if they should get some sort of counselling. Did he grow up very poor?