Bloody DH and his miserly ways.

[sweetkitty]

Just having a rant really but it’s difficult in a relationship when you both have a different outlook on finances.

Tonight I went to the chiropractor and stupidly forgot my bank card (had been shopping online) so I used our joint credit card we use for petrol (as DH gets like 1% cash back) when I got home it was dinnertime so I forgot all about it then I went for a nap (reason I’m at chiropractor is I don’t sleep well for to pain). Next thing DH stomps up the stairs having a go at me for putting £37 on the card, I sleepily said oh don’t worry we’ll sort it when we both get paid on Thursday. We stomped off in a mood and sent me a text about my attitude!

I then said sorry I forgot my card and had to use the card, to which he said well don’t let it happen again like I was a child not his wife with the joint credit card.

We don’t and have never had a joint bank account because of things like this because if I spent a fiver he would want to know why and where! Our finances are messy in that when he gets paid he gives me a contribution to the bills I pay then I give him money back when I get paid. This month we get paid the same day so on Thursday I’ll be giving him about £800 because of Christmas. Between us we are earning into 6 figures so he doesn’t have to be worried like this. The rest of what I earn I’ll keep but he will moan I spend too much etc etc. If the supermarket shop goes over his “budget” by £10 he’ll moan. Sometimes I’ll tell him he’s still in the 90s as he doesn’t get inflation and what things cost nowadays.

I’m not frivolous and like a bargain, shop around etc but we have four DCs and feeding and clothing them costs money.

I’ve given him back the joint credit card now and am not going to use it again since it’s such a bone of contention for him. Of it had been the other way round I would have said oh just forget about it, he reminds me of I borrow a fiver off him!

My husband and I have separate finances. Sometimes I think he spends too much and other times he thinks I do. We've never spoken to each other like a toddler. Money is something we've not actually ever towed about despite having different spending attitudes.

People are calling him controlling because you've described as controlling. You're now saying you have thousands in disposable income each month. His reaction would be OTT regardless of how much you spend a month on luxuries.

Being woken up because a very small amount of money was spent (in relation to your joint income) is crap.
I'm interested in your DH background re money though.
Was money short when he was growing up?
Were his family in debt/struggling?
Perhaps (not that I'm excusing his behaviour in any way), this could be a reason?
I hope you feel better soon OP.
xx

Another reason I'm happily single! I'm like your husband when it comes to money so it's a relief to only be accountable for my own. I have spreadsheets, shop in charity shops, use cashback sites etc. It allows me to be generous with what I do have - for example decent birthday presents for friends and family.

Also, nobody has used the phrase "Don't let it happen again" towards me and I''m not sure the outcome would be good for them if they did.

I honestly don’t feel I’m being financially abused and I don’t think I’m kidding myself. I read about women on here not on the mortgage, aren’t given any money by their DH etc. I have well over a thousand pounds a month to myself for luxuries which DH never really comments on. I could go out tomorrow and say buy an Apple Watch and he wouldn’t say a thing (because I’ve done it), my money I’ve earned I spend it.

@sweetkitty
Financial abuse is not just about one partner depriving the other of necessities or making the other feel guilty about buying something she wants.

It's the use of finances to express a controlling attitude - you put your finger on it when you said in this area he treats you as a child:
"I was shouting at him who the hell are you talking to like that? I’m his wife not a child to be chastised for doing something naughty."

When one person tries to assert a position of authority in any area of the relationship, as your H does repeatedly, that is abuse. In this case, finance is the weapon of choice to use against you, to keep you on edge, to keep you defensive, to keep you feeling you have to explain yourself, to create and maintain an inequality or power. And look what happened - you gave him back the joint credit card. You will have to ask him for it if you need it again. You may well have to justify him handing it over. He executed a power play and won this particular skirmish.

If you have to constantly police him in order to stop him from taking it too far, to stop him from whining at you when you spend your own money on yourself, then your relationship needs a massive reset.

He is trying to gain power. I suspect it is significant that he wasn't like this when you were the SAHM and he was the big bacon bringer-home. Now you have earning power he doesn't want that to go to your head, and hence the constant pressure on you to account for your spending. This isn't about the money per se. It's about his ego, his self image, and him not being able to handle your financial success and independence.

He sounds delightful. I just couldn't live like that it must be so stressful.

Literally, what a turn off

Everything that @mathanxiety said! In a relationship that is mutually respectful the attempted dominance would not be there. You were woken from sleep, whilst in recurrent pain, for him to have a go at, you felt the need to shout that you are not a child, you are aware of disapproval if a good budget is slightly over, you are derided for spending your own money and have to say shut up. Yes, you are strong enough to say shut up about it, but...you shouldn’t have to!
You need, at the very least, to reorganise financial goings-on as the complicated way you both use at present is probably exacerbating tge situation. You should also communicate that the dynamics of the relationship ARE going to change, for your sake but also for how your children see this as a normal financial relationship. It’s not.

PP made excellents points.
You may not feel he is controlling but
his behaviours towards you aren't normal. Waking you up right after you went to sleep to have a go at you isn't normal.
It doesn't really matter what it is called, His nasty attitude towards you isn't normal.
I can't imagine how he acts when on holiday or going out to eat somewhere.

He sounds awful tbh. What a miserable old git. If my dh spoke to me like that he'd be sorry - luckily he would not and is a generous type.

So it sounds like your living pay check to pay check, is he doing the same?

Id rather be with someone like Op's husband than a man who spent spent spent...at least she will have financial security...my first husband was a nightmare...always out spending what we didnt have.

Tell him to F off, your husband is controlling, sounds exactly the same as my dad, checks every bit of my mams spending, sets amounts for petrol and if she goes over she is not allowed any more and has to walk to work. She has to hide anything she has bought, she is not allowed internet banking, only because my dad does not know how to use it, but he is a very fit 80 year old, who will be at the bank every day checking up to see what my mam has spent.
We have all told her his is abusive, she knows but will do whatever he tells her, don't be like my mum.

He is a controlling prick! Seriously, open your eyes and look at what’s happening. Is he really paying his fair share?

Many women think they aren't being controlled or abused because they make a fuss about it and don't just accept it but the end result is they still end up controlled or abused.
Of course he's being controlling and just because you shouted at him doesn't mean he isn't.

@myusernamewastakenbyme

Id rather be with someone like Op's husband than a man who spent spent spent...at least she will have financial security...my first husband was a nightmare...always out spending what we didnt have.

It isn’t an either/or situation. There are men who are perfectly capable of sitting in-between those two extremes.

Just because he’s not gambling the family money away then she’s presumably meant to feel grateful he’s berating her over £30?

Did you marry Scrooge Op?
Think it's about time he was visited by 3 ghosts!

He is trying to control you by treating you like a naughty child. Don't put up with it op

If not financially abused you are being financially patronised.

How dare he wake you to tell you off for putting a small purchase on the JOINT card

He can't be allowed to get away with this control

I’d not be very happy with your husband’s approach. But if me or my partner use the joint card for our own personal things then we’d always let each other know and not just forget. quick text saying ‘forgot my card, using joint card, will put money back into account later’. That you say that it’s only two days till pay day repeatedly and that you’ll pay back then suggests that you spend right down to zero. He assumed you had run out of money - maybe that’d happened before? Sorry if that’s all incorrect but I wonder if there two sides to the story and he’s just a bit more careful about finances because he knows you aren’t the one who is saving? Him being arsey about it is not on, but maybe you can agree some better compromise that works for both

Read @mathanxiety post and read it again. She’s spot on.

I left my XH when he started monitoring my spend like this as it was because my earnings exceeded his. My situation was different but the perpetual and constant assessment and testing the “need” for spending was a very large nail in the coffin.

Every time I spent anything on me (like a trip to go see my family for a weekend) it would be flung back in my face when I challenged him spending £500 of the money he allegedly didn’t have on a fucking guitar pedal. He needed it as an outlet for his art as I was making him work you see.

OP life should not be like this. To me the hallmark of a mature, balanced and adult relationship is being able to compromise about money and agree a joint approach, hell, even a budget.

What you have is a controlling miser who is punishing you daily for daring to have your own earnings.

For as long as your earnings are seperate I would use this to your advantage and genuinely get a free consultation with a solicitor about what divorce could look like for you financially. Don’t start blending your earnings with his now when it sounds like the scales may be falling from your eyes.

Long post! Can you tell you e hit a nerve OP?!!

Can’t believe people actually put up with a life like this.

A real man, DH, partner.. would of maybe come upstairs with a cuppa to ask how your appointment went, ask you how your pain levels were and left you to sleep.

I feel reading your posts that you may of only just realised how controlled you are?

You have provided one example and he is just awful based on that. You really are excusing him here. He's not just tight, he is controlling and a bully. Who does he think he is speaking to you like a child and then discipling you.

Op, you are a very tolerant lady.

A dp who sent me a text 'about my attitude' would not have made it to husband.

I honestly thought you were on a really low income or benefits where spending £37 would mean not eating or not paying another bill
But you have a six figure income?

He’s a tightwad op
Is this really what you want from a life partner?