Bloody DH and his miserly ways.

[sweetkitty]

Just having a rant really but it’s difficult in a relationship when you both have a different outlook on finances.

Tonight I went to the chiropractor and stupidly forgot my bank card (had been shopping online) so I used our joint credit card we use for petrol (as DH gets like 1% cash back) when I got home it was dinnertime so I forgot all about it then I went for a nap (reason I’m at chiropractor is I don’t sleep well for to pain). Next thing DH stomps up the stairs having a go at me for putting £37 on the card, I sleepily said oh don’t worry we’ll sort it when we both get paid on Thursday. We stomped off in a mood and sent me a text about my attitude!

I then said sorry I forgot my card and had to use the card, to which he said well don’t let it happen again like I was a child not his wife with the joint credit card.

We don’t and have never had a joint bank account because of things like this because if I spent a fiver he would want to know why and where! Our finances are messy in that when he gets paid he gives me a contribution to the bills I pay then I give him money back when I get paid. This month we get paid the same day so on Thursday I’ll be giving him about £800 because of Christmas. Between us we are earning into 6 figures so he doesn’t have to be worried like this. The rest of what I earn I’ll keep but he will moan I spend too much etc etc. If the supermarket shop goes over his “budget” by £10 he’ll moan. Sometimes I’ll tell him he’s still in the 90s as he doesn’t get inflation and what things cost nowadays.

I’m not frivolous and like a bargain, shop around etc but we have four DCs and feeding and clothing them costs money.

I’ve given him back the joint credit card now and am not going to use it again since it’s such a bone of contention for him. Of it had been the other way round I would have said oh just forget about it, he reminds me of I borrow a fiver off him!

Hope all goes well op with the debate

@Aerial2020

I think what happens a lot on MN is that an OP will be having a tough time and write an honest post. Some posters may recognise signs of abuse, if they have been through it before (as so very common) and suggest this may be happening. May be. The OP then panics, goes into denial because no no no that wouldn't happen to her, she's strong and independent and then says actually he's wonderful and it's all sorted now. Then other posters react with 'what the heck is wrong with mumsnet being OTT and LTB, cant men express themselves anymore???' And it carries on like that.

Just a thought.

Not all men are abusers and no it's not always LTB but........usually it's being going on a while before someone posts.

No one said anything about "can't men express themselves anymore", no idea where you got that from

We're saying that divorce shouldn't be the default advice that so many people rush to give on MN for any sort of problem. No one on earth would ever stay together if that was the case! There's other interventions like counselling. People can also sometimes unconsciously project onto posts which naturally contain limited information.

Yes of course it's being going on a while, no one suddenly becomes miserly overnight. If you choose to marry a miser , you choose to marry someone who's obsessed with money and how it's spent. As this husband is the main financial breadwinner of the family, one would naturally expect to see this miserly trait on full display.

As I said in my previous post, anyone with a miserly personality would be intolerable to me and anyone who saw fit to wake me up for the sake of £37 would be getting some very sharp words from me. But who we choose to be our partners is a personal choice and what I can't tolerate, someone else can, and vice versa. The OP isn't a passive character here, she knows him best and actively chose him knowing he had this trait of obsessing and worrying over money.

Er...he is a controlling prick!

If I were laid off tomorrow I know for certain he would take care of me, he is always telling me to drop a day or two at work because if my health as we don’t need the money and my health is more important.

@sweetkitty
My guess is he wants the ego boost that comes with being the earner of the most important wage.

Do you think your health could really be jeopardised by working? Or is this his way of making you feel you are some sort of delicate flower who needs him to take care of you? Is he trying to get you to self sabotage here for his own ends?

I strongly suspect he was much more comfortable when you didn't have the financial independence that working has given you.

He sounds like a miserable old bastard sorry
I would walk away , I couldn't live like that.

I imagine few long term marriages never experience any down moments. Only the OP can know if this event is the final straw in a long line of money-related rows or put downs. None of us are perfect. It sometimes sounds like no one should ever stay with someone who has any faults - but we all have them.

The OP may be posting as she thinks this is the end of the line but I have read all her posts and it doesn't sound like that to me.

Or she may be posting because this is an unusual one off and she's feeling like venting.

It can come across pretty shallow to say "I'd couldn't be with a man who ever did x".

I agree the waking her up is bad. Maybe he had a bad day for reasons we don't know. Or they'd already had words about something else. If my DH did that to me as a one off, I wouldn't be leaving for that reason alone, however. I would make my feelings known though and expect an apology.

The making a fuss re credit card use is odd but it sounds like that has been an issue in the past. It could be sorted by them re- organising their accounts. We have joint money and that's it. More of it comes from me, but we are a partnership- I have been known to mention the fact during an argument but I don't really mean it - it's just a way if expressing myself (not a good one but my DH hasn't left me yet!)

I think it must be upsetting to have loads of people saying they couldn't live with a miser when she obviously has done for years since they have teens. Sympathy or practical proposals might be more appropriate.

@rybvita
The point is more about money.........
Ffs.
It's the way he treats her.
But like you said, she knows what he's like.
I never said anything about divorce. I said it's a low bar if you would see his behaviour as an 'annoyance '.
Controlling money , even if 'that's what hes like' is still control.

Didn't say she was passive either but hes still treating her like this and seems to think it's ok even when she says it's not to him.....that will continue

I used to live like this but it was a joint decision. Now we're married we pay into a joint account roughly what we need each month (I worked out what we'd need for the year-mortgage, bulls, petrol, food etc and divided it by 12.). Everything comes out of that account and you basically use whatever is left for yourself. But we still run most decisions by one another.

In your situation it sounds more like he is a bit controlling with money... chastising you for shopping that goes £10 over budget? Madness. My reaction to that would be shopping is now his chore. See how often he's able to stick to his budget.

Bills not bulls 😆

What a way to live. A six figure income and squabbling over a few quid...I'm a sahm and dh works...our income is nowhere near yours and he has never questioned what I spend ever.

No wonder your fed up OP, no way would my DH question my spending, he never has done & I know he never would.

I hope your pain improves soon, your back pain I meant, I don’t think their is a cure for the other pain!

This is a man that, in a different scenario (one where his wife lacked self confidence and there wasn’t a healthy amount of money floating around), would undoubtedly be horribly financially abusive

So I hope you have your fingers firmly crossed

My parents always told me never marry anyone mean, as mean with money tends to be mean in spirit - as your posts seem to confirm.

Presumably you married him knowing his character, so it just depends whether you're now beyond a point you can tolerate it.

he is always telling me to drop a day or two at work because if my health as we don’t need the money and my health is more important
And yet he WOKE YOU UP to SHOUT AT YOU for spending a measly flippin £37 for your HEALTH APPOINTMENT.

It isn't your health he's worried about - it's the money it's 'costing'....it's the money aspect that enrages him.
As though staying at home and not being employed is going to mean you never need to go for your appointments......cos you know, you won't be 'exerting' yourself with keeping busy/doing hobbies/making sure you're still an active part of life.....that's before we get to the mental health aspect of having parts of your identity and life stripped away.....

His obsession with money is extremely unhealthy and he's slipped into manipulating you - and passing his faux concern onto your children.
Now they're teens it should mean that you have the personal freedom to do more of what pleases YOU.

And why....when they all 'worry' so much and are 'so concerned' for your health - has nobody been up to check how you are? Get proactive and make the dinner? Have they offered to take up extra house chores to take that 'exertion' off YOU???

Don't let your husband fool you.

Do NOT ‘drop a day or two at work’! Don’t do anything that could increase current or future financial dependency, given your H’s behaviour with respect to money.

My husband has been doing all the chores whilst I’ve been unwell, including 3 hours of ironing at the weekend as I’ve not been able to. I flipped about 6 months ago and now we share the ironing. Other chores are split 50/50 well he’s doing more at present as he’s WFH and I’m not. I can’t do anything that involves anything too physical so all kind of cleaning/hoovering has been out. The big teens do bits and bobs when asked to. And they were all up to check on me DD1 was chatting to me for a while once I woke QS they often do (unfortunately they are used to me coming in from work and going to bed for a few hours). He’s been walking the dog too as I’ve not even been able to do that as she’s too strong.

Monkeymonkey2010 - your post makes no sense I was at home for years then I decided to retrain and have a career again all with my DHs support (if he felt like that he could have very easily not supported me).

He’s apologised for the £37 said he was out of order, I told him the whole money situation has to change. We are getting a joint bank account for bills. He said he’s been freaking out about the amount we’ve spent on Christmas and feels out of control as all he sees on his bank account is minuses.

I’ve told him he needs to stop this meanness it’s a horrible personality trait and he wasn’t always like this (started when the DC were born and I stopped working). We’ve both worked really hard to now be earning what we are and he needs to start chilling out a bit.

Great update OP

The dropping a day at two at work is a whole other thread, today I had 3 new bruises, head butted twice and kicked a good few times. On top of a chronic pain condition and being hurt already twice this year that’s needed time off.

Thanks for the update op! I'm glad he's apologised for the £37. I think this is good for your marriage moving forward as now would be a great time to have an open discussion regarding finances and how it makes you feel.

Just because you stand up for yourself it doesnt mean you're not being controlled. You should never have to stand up to your own husband, he should always have your back.

Nope. Couldn't do it. That kind of selfish attitude is such a turn off. Especially as you both clearly have sufficient funds to live a relaxed lifestyle financially.

What does he say when you tell him it's upsetting?

That’s a great update!

Very sorry you’re going through that at work though, that’s terrible!

Whilst I agree with the vast majority of posters on here, it does seem a bit odd that on a six figure household income you are running out of money some months. For someone who is meticulous about getting best deals and accounting for all income and outgoings to the penny, this must be very stressful.

@sweetkitty

My husband has been doing all the chores whilst I’ve been unwell, including 3 hours of ironing at the weekend as I’ve not been able to. I flipped about 6 months ago and now we share the ironing. Other chores are split 50/50 well he’s doing more at present as he’s WFH and I’m not. I can’t do anything that involves anything too physical so all kind of cleaning/hoovering has been out. The big teens do bits and bobs when asked to. And they were all up to check on me DD1 was chatting to me for a while once I woke QS they often do (unfortunately they are used to me coming in from work and going to bed for a few hours). He’s been walking the dog too as I’ve not even been able to do that as she’s too strong.

Monkeymonkey2010 - your post makes no sense I was at home for years then I decided to retrain and have a career again all with my DHs support (if he felt like that he could have very easily not supported me).

He’s apologised for the £37 said he was out of order, I told him the whole money situation has to change. We are getting a joint bank account for bills. He said he’s been freaking out about the amount we’ve spent on Christmas and feels out of control as all he sees on his bank account is minuses.

I’ve told him he needs to stop this meanness it’s a horrible personality trait and he wasn’t always like this (started when the DC were born and I stopped working). We’ve both worked really hard to now be earning what we are and he needs to start chilling out a bit.

Thanks OP for the update, glad things are being resolved and that he's apologised and you've spoken to him about his behaviour. Proves my point that people don't need to rush to assume the worst case scenario and advise the drastic choice of divorce for any kind of marital problem when we don't know the whole story! All the best OP with your health too

@mathanxiety

I honestly don’t feel I’m being financially abused and I don’t think I’m kidding myself. I read about women on here not on the mortgage, aren’t given any money by their DH etc. I have well over a thousand pounds a month to myself for luxuries which DH never really comments on. I could go out tomorrow and say buy an Apple Watch and he wouldn’t say a thing (because I’ve done it), my money I’ve earned I spend it.

@sweetkitty
Financial abuse is not just about one partner depriving the other of necessities or making the other feel guilty about buying something she wants.

It's the use of finances to express a controlling attitude - you put your finger on it when you said in this area he treats you as a child:
"I was shouting at him who the hell are you talking to like that? I’m his wife not a child to be chastised for doing something naughty."

When one person tries to assert a position of authority in any area of the relationship, as your H does repeatedly, that is abuse. In this case, finance is the weapon of choice to use against you, to keep you on edge, to keep you defensive, to keep you feeling you have to explain yourself, to create and maintain an inequality or power. And look what happened - you gave him back the joint credit card. You will have to ask him for it if you need it again. You may well have to justify him handing it over. He executed a power play and won this particular skirmish.

If you have to constantly police him in order to stop him from taking it too far, to stop him from whining at you when you spend your own money on yourself, then your relationship needs a massive reset.

He is trying to gain power. I suspect it is significant that he wasn't like this when you were the SAHM and he was the big bacon bringer-home. Now you have earning power he doesn't want that to go to your head, and hence the constant pressure on you to account for your spending. This isn't about the money per se. It's about his ego, his self image, and him not being able to handle your financial success and independence.

I have to agree with this.

I've experienced financial abuse from my ex. When we were together, he coerced me into handing over £10,000 towards paying down the mortgage. It doesn't matter that he also put £10,000 in at the same time. I can still feel the panic I felt as he stood over me constantly going on about "helping to reduce our costs" because it was my redundancy money and he was apparently concerned I'd not be able to get a job quickly. (I did, still there as the people are lovely.)

I was also still expected to carry on paying for the things I had been paying for while working, eg food and utility bills, using the remaining redundancy money. Only when it ran out did he step in and cover those costs, he even insisted I cash in some premium bonds. He resented every single penny he paid that he thought I should be paying for, despite him being able to cover those costs, and also despite that we were supposed to be a team and I'd covered all the costs during a brief period he had when he had been made redundant before he got another job.

I was not on the mortgage, he'd refused to add me years before, because he'd been "stiffed by his ex wife". Which wasn't true BTW, I'm friends with her now.

But guess what? He never did reduce his monthly mortgage payment, he just carried on overpaying and bragged when it was paid off, about a year or two before I left. It turns out he also had at least £50,000 in the bank, probably a lot more now.

He died 2 weeks ago, very suddenly, and the kids get it all between them. They've already told me they want me to have my money back, plus a couple of other amounts I was pushed into paying for the house. He'd probably be turning in his grave if he was able, he'd done his best to stop me getting anything.

But this was his way of control. Anytime I had any money, he'd come up with ideas like "Shouldn't we do up the kitchen?", "Shouldn't we do up the bathroom?". Always something to get his house done up at my expense. Yet he wouldn't add me to the mortgage. Even after I left, telling him that this was one of many reasons I was leaving, he offered to change all sorts of things yet never offered any money to compensate for him bleeding me dry. He didn't even pay child support (CMS were useless).

It didn't matter that I earned my own money, money was a means of exerting control, as well as him wanting to get his hands on any money that came near him.

I actually had some nights in the first year away from him where I dreamt I'd won the lottery and imagining his face when he realised he was so close and yet so far from getting his hands on any of it (becuase I sure as hell wouldn't be giving him any).