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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bloody DH and his miserly ways.

126 replies

sweetkitty · 15/12/2020 00:13

Just having a rant really but it’s difficult in a relationship when you both have a different outlook on finances.

Tonight I went to the chiropractor and stupidly forgot my bank card (had been shopping online) so I used our joint credit card we use for petrol (as DH gets like 1% cash back) when I got home it was dinnertime so I forgot all about it then I went for a nap (reason I’m at chiropractor is I don’t sleep well for to pain). Next thing DH stomps up the stairs having a go at me for putting £37 on the card, I sleepily said oh don’t worry we’ll sort it when we both get paid on Thursday. We stomped off in a mood and sent me a text about my attitude!

I then said sorry I forgot my card and had to use the card, to which he said well don’t let it happen again like I was a child not his wife with the joint credit card.

We don’t and have never had a joint bank account because of things like this because if I spent a fiver he would want to know why and where! Our finances are messy in that when he gets paid he gives me a contribution to the bills I pay then I give him money back when I get paid. This month we get paid the same day so on Thursday I’ll be giving him about £800 because of Christmas. Between us we are earning into 6 figures so he doesn’t have to be worried like this. The rest of what I earn I’ll keep but he will moan I spend too much etc etc. If the supermarket shop goes over his “budget” by £10 he’ll moan. Sometimes I’ll tell him he’s still in the 90s as he doesn’t get inflation and what things cost nowadays.

I’m not frivolous and like a bargain, shop around etc but we have four DCs and feeding and clothing them costs money.

I’ve given him back the joint credit card now and am not going to use it again since it’s such a bone of contention for him. Of it had been the other way round I would have said oh just forget about it, he reminds me of I borrow a fiver off him!

OP posts:

wildraisins · 15/12/2020 09:02

Ugh, I couldn't live like that. What a nightmare. It's a real bugbear of mine when people are like this with money. Although on the other hand I know that I am a little too frivolous with my own money at times.

I guess it stems from how his parents were or something in his childhood that meant he became very frugal. It sounds extremely entrenched and it will be difficult to change his attitude about this. It's good that you can stand up for yourself and tell him not to talk to you like a child - you shouldn't have to but I am glad that you do make sure he knows when he is being ridiculous!

wildraisins · 15/12/2020 09:04

I have elderly relatives who are like this also - they are absolutely loaded from successful high profile careers but the husband is a real penny pincher, even down to having heated disputes about postage costs on eBay.

I guess you don't stay rich if you spend all your money. There's a balance to be struck somewhere.

Aerial2020 · 15/12/2020 09:09

This can happen to even the most independent and strong women.
It's a myth that financial abuse, or any kind of abuse, only happens to poor fragile women with no confidence.
Men that abuse hate you being strong and will try and attempt to bring you down to fall in line.
Being in denial is normal as you don't see yourself as a victim of financial abuse, as you 'don't allow it'

But it's happening and you won't get any other replies saying otherwise. Mostly anyway.
Is this how you want to live? Justifying spending money for a essential back treatment?
He's acting like a parent and you are the child. He is in charge.

Costacoffeeplease · 15/12/2020 09:48

I’m afraid he is an abusive prick, no matter how you think you stand up for yourself, he’ll still wake you up over £30+ That’s not a nice man

SMaCM · 15/12/2020 10:02

We each have our own money, but health costs come from the joint account. My DH would have checked it wasn't a fraudulent transaction and then said no more.

CharityDingle · 15/12/2020 10:21

What jumped out at me was the fact that he woke you up about something totally inconsequential, despite knowing that your sleep is precious.
It's about more than money, OP. It sounds like a horrible way to live, accounting for fivers, never mind something spent on your health. Time for a serious chat, I think.

Newwayofthinking · 15/12/2020 10:29

That sounds a horrible and controlling way to live.

Joint life is Joint everything

I just couldn't live like this

EKGEMS · 15/12/2020 13:42

I'd have taken that very same credit card and gone on a spending spree that the Queen would be envious over just to be petty and show him he's not the boss of me

monkeymonkey2010 · 15/12/2020 16:32

OP - can you explain this please, i'm not sure i quite understand it
Our finances are messy in that when he gets paid he gives me a contribution to the bills I pay then I give him money back when I get paid. This month we get paid the same day so on Thursday I’ll be giving him about £800 because of Christmas

What bills are in your name?
Does he pay the full 50% share of his bills?
Why are you giving him money 'back'?

You'll need to take your name off the joint credit card account - otherwise all activity on that account - incl any charges - go on your credit report too.

He's made it clear HIS money is HIS and what's 'his' is his too - and you have no 'right' to challenge him.
There was no need to wake you up to have a go at you - but he CHOSE to.
Guys like him wait for the opportunity to pounce and put you 'back in your place'

What happens if you get laid off work/can't work/be financially independrnt anymore?
HE WILL NOT LOOK AFTER YOU.
The only reason he didn't hassle you over the money when you were a SAHM was cos it meant he could palm off 'CHEAP' childcare on you - paying a 'professional' would have hurt his pocket MORE.

A lot of abuse is insidious - it creeps up unseen......

SimonJT · 15/12/2020 17:44

If you had spent a lot of money, as in hundreds of pounds I could understand him being annoyed, but even then I would expect him to wake you, but to just ask you what you had bought etc. It shouldn’t lead to an argument or being unkind.

I recently ordered something fairly expensive on amazon, it was still signed in as my partner so the payment was taken from his account. I didn’t notice until he told me, he wasn’t a twat, he just forwarded me the confirmation email and I sent the money to his bank account. If I hadn’t sent the money I doubt he would have been particularly bothered because hes not an arse.

yetmorecrap · 15/12/2020 18:59

I know someone who was married to someone like this— thing was the person doing this was an accountant and was used to constantly balancing spreadsheets and it was if they couldn’t actually switch off from work . I think most of us like a partner to be responsible, but this is going beyond this and it’s either trying to keep you in check or he’s trying to keep ‘control’ of stuff in his head without realising what a joysucker he is being

Craftycorvid · 15/12/2020 19:23

It’s to say the least unempathic to wake you up (when you struggle to sleep due to pain) in order to berate you about a small amount of money on a joint credit card (I assume you pay it off in full each month, so no harm done - I assume the surface complaint is that it accrues interest?) Differing attitudes to money can cause a lot of conflict. I’ve one at home who can have pots of dosh in the bank but wander about in shirts with massive holes in them. In his case control is definitely an issue but so is a need to feel secure. How is your chap in other areas of your relationship? Like pp I’m troubled by the ‘stern adult speaking to naughty child’ tone he takes with you, and it seems to push you to rebellious teenager in response - so it’s not an especially equal debate (and being in pain whilst being lectured would do that to me as well). If this is a contained issue with money, it could be amenable to a calm discussion when it’s not a hot topic. If you can think of other areas where he takes this attitude with you, it may point to deeper differences.

tenlittlecygnets · 15/12/2020 19:28

He woke you up to have a go at you about money when he knows you're in pain and sleeping badly? That's worse than being tight.

Original poster

sweetkitty · 15/12/2020 20:42

In answer to a few of the questions he pays most of the bills. I pay a few odd things like the council tax but the mortgage etc he pays. If I were laid off tomorrow I know for certain he would take care of me, he is always telling me to drop a day or two at work because if my health as we don’t need the money and my health is more important. I’ve kind of committed to full time this year and we have a big holiday coming up so the extra is nice, he wanted me to stay at 4 days as he said 5 is too much for me health wise and what use is a holiday if I’m too unwell to enjoy it. He and the teenage DC want me to drop days but I’ve said I’ll see it out until June.

He just worries incessantly about money, he has a spreadsheet himself and needs to update it daily and has to plan and budget for everything. When the DC were younger things were tighter and only he was working and maybe he felt the stress of being the only one working then but now things are a lot better financially he should be able to ease up a bit. I came in from work he made the dinner and I’ve been in bed ever since so haven’t had it out with him yet.

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 15/12/2020 21:09

I'm really confused about where you say he gives you a contribution to the bills but then you give him it back....

If I'm reading right, I gather all DC related expenses are worked out 50/50 and refunded to whoever bought it??

Rybvita · 15/12/2020 21:20

I don't see why you're angry to be honest. You've always known he was like this yet you accepted it because you continued to date him and even marry him so it obviously wasn't a deal breaker for you. This is what you chose so instead of getting yourself worked up by dwelling on it, just move on and forget about it.

Amotherlife · 15/12/2020 21:59

He sounds more obsessive (over money) than controlling to me. I have slight miserly tendencies myself. As a kid I repeatedly counted my pocket money. I would go out of my way to say 10p on a bottle of milk while at the same time spend over £100 (say) on clothes. It's not necessarily logical, just a habit of mind.

I do pull my DH up sometimes if he buys something I wouldn't (eg takeaway lunch for our teens when the fridge is full). It's not because we can't afford it or I want to control him. It's just not what I would do.

(Actually the pandemic has cured me a bit as we are spending so much less and haven't had any holidays abroad so I feel more relaxed knowing we have a surplus income.)

Habits can be very annoying to partners. My DH is incredibly untidy, for example. I'm not tidy myself but he's so much worse.

But as this is MN, of course OP you must be being abused and most people will be happy to hear of your forthcoming divorce plans.

Rybvita · 15/12/2020 22:22

@Amotherlife

(Actually the pandemic has cured me a bit as we are spending so much less and haven't had any holidays abroad so I feel more relaxed knowing we have a surplus income.)

Habits can be very annoying to partners. My DH is incredibly untidy, for example. I'm not tidy myself but he's so much worse.

But as this is MN, of course OP you must be being abused and most people will be happy to hear of your forthcoming divorce plans.

Agree with the above post that the husband doesn't sound abusive or controlling at all, it just seems to be his mindset about money as he's that way about himself too around tight budgeting and spreadsheets etc. Too many posters are obsessed with divorce on here.

I'm not miserly at all and couldn't be with someone like that (therefore wouldn't have even gone past initial dating stage with someone like OP's husband as I would have spotted a trait like that very quickly) but I understand that some people are very particular about money and that's simply the way they are. To be honest, if she's got as far as marrying him, I'm sure she can live with it as just an annoyance and there's no need for a divorce over something like this at all.

Aerial2020 · 15/12/2020 22:52

I think the above posters need to read the initial OPs post again.
She's suddenly playing it down now with updates.
Yeah, he's just a bit miserly with money. No biggie

Aerial2020 · 15/12/2020 23:01

I think what happens a lot on MN is that an OP will be having a tough time and write an honest post.
Some posters may recognise signs of abuse, if they have been through it before (as so very common) and suggest this may be happening. May be.
The OP then panics, goes into denial because no no no that wouldn't happen to her, she's strong and independent and then says actually he's wonderful and it's all sorted now.
Then other posters react with 'what the heck is wrong with mumsnet being OTT and LTB, cant men express themselves anymore???'
And it carries on like that.

Just a thought.

Not all men are abusers and no it's not always LTB but........usually it's being going on a while before someone posts.

Aerial2020 · 15/12/2020 23:06

And if being woken and shouted at for using the JOINT credit card for a health condition and then a text like a naughty child to sort it out is any annyonance then jeeze, that's a low bar

But every marriage is different I guess.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/12/2020 23:58

Why did you marry this tight bastard?

itsoffical · 16/12/2020 00:15

From your first post (I haven't read the whole thread) I'm glad you took one from the tram and removed this guy from the dating pool!
I could never ever ever be with someone that tight and aggressive about £37!
The fact that you earn decent money between you makes it horrifying.

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 00:25

You came in, ate the food, went to bed instantly and everyone in your house thinks you should only work part time?

Your husband woke you up to have a row about £37?

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 00:26

And you can't add a tenner to the food shop when you feel like it?

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