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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ignoring me after an argument

108 replies

bluesky888 · 13/12/2020 12:40

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years. We don't argue very often but when we do he will not talk to me after. Sometimes it can be a few days or it can be a couple of weeks. I know that it is his way of dealing with things but I'm finding it harder to cope with as I never know how long it is going to be. It is like he can completely switch off from the relationship and then switch back on as if nothing has ever happened. We don't live together. I've tried talking to him about it when things are normal but he has basically said that it is his coping method. I love him but it is getting so difficult with him doing this. It doesn't even have to be a big argument.

OP posts:

ILoveYoga · 13/12/2020 12:43

The silent treatment is a form of passive aggressive abuse. He needs to find another way to cope with conflict.

Could you imagine being married, living in the same house and possibly having children together when he behaves this way?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2020 12:44

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Thankfully you do not live with him. Do not ever live with this man, this would be your life with him going forward too.

His silent treatment towards you post argument is an example of emotional abuse. His "coping method" indeed , its his way of punishing you for at all speaking out. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and that is also why this should now be over.

madcatladyforever · 13/12/2020 12:46

a couple of weeks? He needs to be an ex boyfriend.

Brownfrown · 13/12/2020 12:48

This is awful. A few hours - that’s fine as long as after it gets resolved. A few weeks! Seriously, you need to get rid of this one. Imagine the atmosphere for any future children? Say this happens 2/3 times a year, thats a month of your life each year!

What does it say about a person who will hold a grudge for two weeks?

Brownfrown · 13/12/2020 12:50

I just also wanted to say I’m so sorry you are with this man. You really deserve someone better who will discuss and deal with conflict rather than punishing you for weeks.

Original poster

bluesky888 · 13/12/2020 12:51

We do have children but not together.

OP posts:

heom45 · 13/12/2020 12:52

My now (last night) ex dp did this to me a few times throughout our LT relationship. Last week I lost it and told him I'd had enough. Queue another week of sulking and he contacted me yesterday. We had a long heart to heart... I don't forgive him but I understood his reasons. Told him I can't deal with it. We had another issue too but it was the catalyst for ruining us really. I'm gutted

BigFatLiar · 13/12/2020 12:53

You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to.

gamerchick · 13/12/2020 12:57

Yeah it's a form of abuse and a nasty habit he's got into.

I hope you don't pander to it? Tell him to fuck off and get back in touch when he's grown up a bit. No patience for passive aggressive sulks at all.

I'd never live with or have kids with this man in your shoes OP, its hard for them to change.

Original poster

bluesky888 · 13/12/2020 13:03

When he does this I do normally message him and try and snap him out of it but that doesn't always work so sometimes I just leave it and he'll get in contact when he's ready.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluesky888 · 13/12/2020 13:06

Although I find that sometimes I'm apologising to him to try and get him to talk again but I don't always know why I'm saying sorry as it's not always my fault that we've argued.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 13/12/2020 13:09

I know that it is his way of dealing with things but I'm finding it harder to cope with as I never know how long it is going to be.
He's chosen a way of "dealing with things" that most people wouldn't put up with for long. I bet that if enough people don't put up with it, then after being dumped a few times he'll realise he has to develop a new approach - that if he wants a partner, he'll have to treat people better than this.

Get yourself a boyfriend who makes an effort because he doesn't want to lose you.

Sparklfairy · 13/12/2020 13:10

Why are you dancing to his tune? You're giving him all the control. Either you let him "come back when he's ready" so he can gleefully leave you hanging as long as he likes knowing you hate it, or you end up apologising and he "wins" the argument.

I've been exactly in your position OP. The realisation that the only way to avoid this treatment was to never speak up and just let him do want he wanted, when he wanted with no push back was like a punch in the gut. It was a life of oppression or a life of him playing with my emotions. Get. Out.

updownroundandround · 13/12/2020 13:14

@ bluesky888

I'm sorry to have to tell you that him ignoring you after an argument is NOT 'his way of coping' at all.

It's his way of punishing you !
It's his way of making sure that you think twice before ''arguing'' with him !
It's his way of making himself more 'important' than you.

It doesn't take anyone 2 bloody weeks to 'get over' or 'process' an argument ffs, he's taking the piss big time.

Hermie12 · 13/12/2020 13:18

I couldn’t be with a sulker. It’s childish and it shouldn’t be up to you to try and snap him out of it. I’m with previous posters he’s trying to punish you. Adult relationships shouldn’t be like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2020 13:25

I've tried talking to him about it when things are normal but he has basically said that it is his coping method.

The silent treatment is not a coping method. It is a method of punishment and a way to gaslight and condition you to keep your mouth shut and ignore anything that upsets you.

Although I find that sometimes I'm apologising to him to try and get him to talk again but I don't always know why I'm saying sorry as it's not always my fault that we've argued.

See? It's working already.

billy1966 · 13/12/2020 13:28

Why would you accept this awful treatment?

Keep this man away from your children.

This is not a healthy relationship.

Techway · 13/12/2020 13:48

Stonewalling is the one of the biggest predictor to relationship failure and also impacts the partner, emotionally and physically.

Is he claiming he is so angry that it takes him weeks to calm down...he isn't processing. This is what you have to accept.

I bet the arguments are over your needs eing met and are never resolved.

Btw, this never ever gets better, only worse, especially if you were committed to him, such as children or finances. It's a pattern of responding that is usually engrained and even with counselling it's very hard to change.

I guess you know now why he is no longer with his Ex.

Pootle40 · 13/12/2020 13:53

My ex did this and emotionally abused me in many other ways too. Will never get better. It's about control

Original poster

bluesky888 · 13/12/2020 13:53

The weird thing is that he's absolutely brilliant with my child, they have a great relationship. And then he's like this with me. I just don't get it!

OP posts:

ReadySteadyBed · 13/12/2020 13:56

That’s ridiculous. I don’t usually say ‘end it’ but that’s no way to live. He’s being particularly immature and a class A twat.

Colourmeclear · 13/12/2020 14:26

A coping method would be saying to you, I'm sorry I need some time to myself, I love you but I need a few hours and we can catch up later, I'll message you at X or we can meet next week etc.

Not a coping mechanism is silence, having you chase him and the status of the relationship in question and then pretending everything has magically been solved.....until next time he decides to punish you.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2020 14:31

The weird thing is that he's absolutely brilliant with my child, they have a great relationship. And then he's like this with me. I just don't get it!

Eventually, he will turn on your child, too, I guarantee it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 14:34

@Aquamarine1029

The weird thing is that he's absolutely brilliant with my child, they have a great relationship. And then he's like this with me. I just don't get it!

Eventually, he will turn on your child, too, I guarantee it.

And while he might 'get on well' with your child, that's a long way from being a good influence or positive presence in her life.

He ignores her mum instead of speaking to her like an adult and is either incapable or unwilling to manage his emotions and behaviour.

Why on earth do you want to be with such a prick?

It's doing your daughter no favours to be exposed to such an unhealthy, up and down, on and off relationship.

EarthSight · 13/12/2020 15:00

Days would be enough for me. I find even hours aggregating....but weeks? And he does this after minor disagreements??? That doesn't sound to me like a coping mechanism, more like a punishment. If it is a coping mechanism, I would say he still has serious anger issues. Someone doesn't need to raise their voice or look angry for them to be actually angry.

Every time you carry on, no matter what comes out of your mouth, the message you're telling him is 'Yes it's bad......but I accept this'. Conflict resolution is really important and will show you a lot about someone's character. Punishing someone after an argument or disagreement, and then carrying on without talking about it is not acceptable.

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