Ignoring me after an argument

[bluesky888]

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years. We don't argue very often but when we do he will not talk to me after. Sometimes it can be a few days or it can be a couple of weeks. I know that it is his way of dealing with things but I'm finding it harder to cope with as I never know how long it is going to be. It is like he can completely switch off from the relationship and then switch back on as if nothing has ever happened. We don't live together. I've tried talking to him about it when things are normal but he has basically said that it is his coping method. I love him but it is getting so difficult with him doing this. It doesn't even have to be a big argument.

Although I find that sometimes I'm apologising to him to try and get him to talk again but I don't always know why I'm saying sorry as it's not always my fault that we've argued

Just read this. Dear Lord! This is most likely exactly what he wants you to do!!! He wants you to grovel and chase after him!! Don't!!! People have disagreements and he needs to get over that. It's so immature and corrosive to behave in this way. It sounds like a type of covert domination tactic and it will get worse the more you play along with it.

The reason he gets on with your children is to show you that you are the problem. I guess your child is compliant whereas you are expecting to be treated as an equal.

Please research stonewalling, it's an abusive and manipulative technique that he knows works.

It's so frustrating. He is so good with my child, so I just don't understand how he can be so awful to me when we argue. He doesn't have an anger problem, he's normally very laid back. We had a disagreement a few days ago and he's not spoken to me since. I've tried texting and he hasn't even bothered to read it. I'm starting to find it very very tiring.

The reason he gets on with your children is to show you that you are the problem. I guess your child is compliant whereas you are expecting to be treated as an equal.

This. Why are you allowing your child to be around someone you have an on off, up and down, unhealthy, toxic relationship with?!

Soon he'll be doing the 'isn't mummy mean' and 'isn't mummy miserable' to position you as horrible and him as fun.

Seriously, do you think this is healthy behaviour to be modelling to your daughter?

My child is none the wiser - whenever this happens my boyfriend just won't come over for X amount of time and they just think he's busy.

@bluesky888

My child is none the wiser - whenever this happens my boyfriend just won't come over for X amount of time and they just think he's busy.

And in the meantime you aren't stressed, upset, distracted, sad? Of course it affects her.

Do you really want this to be your relationship long term? You're saying he's awful to you, which he is, and that you can't understand why he's so horrible. But you should be focusing on why you're accepting this behaviour and not breaking up with him?

Ignoring your partner for days / weeks after a row is bizarre! It's so far from normal and healthy that I'm struggling to see why you're still with him.

When your daughter is older and she can argue back, what are you going to do if he ignores her then as well?
What if she grows up thinking this is normal behaviour from men

My child is none the wiser - whenever this happens my boyfriend just won't come over for X amount of time and they just think he's busy.

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you are in complete denial. Children always know when something is wrong. This dysfunction is written all over you and she sees it. She can sense the horrible atmosphere when things are bad between you and your boyfriend. Stop lying to yourself that this doesn't impact your child. It does.

My XH did this, from very early on in our relationship.
I too found myself begging and pleading and apologising for things I hadn't done wrong. Occasionally I would go bat shit crazy, when the apologising, begging and pleading didn't work after being stonewalled for days over some trivial argument that had blown up over nothing. This only served him more because then he used my 'bad behaviour' to justify doing it.
It was all him him him. It messed with my head completely. I found myself eventually thinking it was all my fault because he was so convincing when he said it was his 'coping mechanism' and basically implied I deserved to be treated like that and anything other than bowing down to it was wrong.

Abusive.

He eventually stonewalled me for two weeks after an argument he had WITH SOMEONE ELSE That was the catalyst moment for me. That was when I finally woke up and realised none of it was my fault.

Think back to the moment you met, when the sparks first flew.
If a trusted friend had said,
"Look, Dave's(*) not an bad person or anything but whenever he has an argument with his GF, which is surprisingly often, he doesn't talk to her at all or see her for a week"
would you really have still gone ahead? Wouldn't you have crossed him off your "potential BF" list that very minute?

• Dave just being a placeholder name. Steve, Andy, Mike...

@bluesky888

My child is none the wiser - whenever this happens my boyfriend just won't come over for X amount of time and they just think he's busy.

I think she probably is the wiser. But even if she isn’t at the moment, what about in the future? If you continue the relationship eventually you may want to properly combine your lives by living together, she is definitely going to notice then.

I agree with other posters that this is punishment not a coping mechanism. I had somebody treat me like this over twenty years ago and I put up with it for far too long. Ultimately I realised that it was controlling and it also boiled down to the fact that they simply weren’t really bothered about the “relationship”. I wouldn’t waste your time trying to talk to him about it whilst things are normal, next time he disappears make it the last time.

I had a discussion on this very subject with my counsellor today OP. I have been so angry with myself that I put up with this exact treatment for over 25 years. It didn't stop, it didn't get better and my DCs that I thought weren't affected by it definitely were (my DD ended up in a mirror image of my relationship at age 19).

It's the same script from all of these abusive types - they are so very sensitive that anything you say or do can hurt them so much that they can't talk to you or treat you with the respect you deserve for days or weeks at a time.

They are so hurt that they can live a completely normal life during that time, going to work, socialising with friends and having fun while being totally different with you.

They tell you that it's only because they love you so much that you can hurt them more than anyone else. Sounding familiar?

Don't end up where I am OP, in my fifties and about to start again after decades of this abusive behaviour and blaming myself all the way.

Try reading 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. It really opened my eyes and I hope it opens yours too.

It's interesting that so many other people have experienced something similar. It's like he has two personalities, he's great for most of the time and then we have a disagreement and bang he's a whole new person. Exhausting.

It's a form of emotional abuse and is also controlling too. He will speak to you when he is ready, it's all on his terms. He knows you will sit around and wait for him which is why he continues to behave so appallingly. I've been there. It made me ill. Thank god I'm out of it. People like this rarely change.

& your daughter is learning what ? That its OK to be treated abused this way by his Highness

Run, run as far as you can!!
If you saw your daughter being treated like this, what would you advise her to do? Cos l would tell mine to dump the manipulative prick.

It's the same script from all of these abusive types - they are so very sensitive that anything you say or do can hurt them so much that they can't talk to you or treat you with the respect you deserve for days or weeks at a time.

They are so hurt that they can live a completely normal life during that time, going to work, socialising with friends and having fun while being totally different with you.

+1 to this.
Extraordinary how these types are so sensitive about THEIR feelings but walk all over other people's. Call it what it is, OP. It's sulking. Unattractive in a child, but they grow out of it. Downright rotten in an adult. Ask yourself why you feel you deserve to be treated like this. Bin him.

Yes he definitely sulks. I've never come across an adult that sulks like he does. I wasn't sure if it was something I'm doing wrong to cause it but it doesn't sound like it's me.

So he ignores you, sulks and is exhausting. It's all very well saying when it's good it's good, but that's true of anyone. It's how people are when things are tough that matters most!

So what's the plan? Surely you know this isn't a relationship you should stay in?

So he ignores you, sulks and is exhausting. It's all very well saying when it's good it's good, but that's true of anyone. It's how people are when things are tough that matters most!

^This 100%. I'm sorry, OP, but this really isn't a healthy relationship.

@bluesky888

Although I find that sometimes I'm apologising to him to try and get him to talk again but I don't always know why I'm saying sorry as it's not always my fault that we've argued.

Right. I wanted to ask if you had to apologise to break the silence. I had to do this with my husband when he was in the wrong. He could keep the silence up for days. He isn't my husband any more

This would be a deal breaker for me. I can't bear sulkers.

He is an adult sulking like a ten year old. There are some people in certain circumstances who will stonewall to cope, but I don't think this is one of them. Please don't go into the Jekyll & Hyde type of thinking. You absolutely need to see him as an integrated whole. Unless you do that, you will hang on to the good bits and continue to put up with this behaviour. He is one whole person. He's capable of good & bad, but he is one person nevertheless.

It's up to you if you think this relationship is worth the hassle, but if you're not yet sure if you want to end it or not, but want to have a go at stopping this behaviour whilst you decide, I recommend the following -

Sit down with him, and say that you are tired of the way he handles conflict. It doesn't matter if it's his coping mechansim - there's two of you in this relationship. Say that despite this being a 'coping mechanism', it has a really detrimental effect on the way you view him. Do not apologise for saying that because it's true. Tell him that despite what he says it is, the effect that it has is like he's punishing you - it's the equivalent of putting someone in solitary isolation with no discussion afterwards why it happened. You will no longer be putting up with that any more. He may sulk after you've said it and try to protest, but calmly stand your ground. He may go off and stew on it for a while. Allow him that sulk, allow him time to digest. Maybe about a week if you don't live together so he can go away and seriously think about it.

Then, after that, observe what he does the next time you have an argument, especially if he's at fault so to speak. It might take him a while to snap out of long habits, but if there's no improvement, you can then see he probably has no intention of doing so and is testing your limits. Then you can break up with him knowing you told him how you feel, and you will also have given him a chance to change.

@EarthSight Thank you for your post. I've spoken to him before about this and he pretty much said that it's how he deals with things and it's not going to change.