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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ignoring me after an argument

108 replies

bluesky888 · 13/12/2020 12:40

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years. We don't argue very often but when we do he will not talk to me after. Sometimes it can be a few days or it can be a couple of weeks. I know that it is his way of dealing with things but I'm finding it harder to cope with as I never know how long it is going to be. It is like he can completely switch off from the relationship and then switch back on as if nothing has ever happened. We don't live together. I've tried talking to him about it when things are normal but he has basically said that it is his coping method. I love him but it is getting so difficult with him doing this. It doesn't even have to be a big argument.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 14/12/2020 11:32

throw this one back in the sea

ElizaCBennett · 14/12/2020 11:35

bluesky888 yes, my husband just ignores me too! He carries on as normal with everyone else, so it is personal. Having said that, if we have social arrangements - pre COVID - he just won’t go so I have to go alone or not go myself, so he sees fewer people anyway.

Ally1992 · 14/12/2020 11:51

My ex used to do this, he wasn’t talking to me before I went away on a girls holiday, didn’t check to see if I landed safely or if I was ok the whole time. I knew it was over then and ended it as soon as I arrived back home and he was shocked by that for some reason!

Original poster

bluesky888 · 14/12/2020 11:56

On one occasion this year that he was ignoring me my Mum had covid and was at home, but quite poorly. He knew as I told his Mum but he only asked how she was when he started talking to me again. On another occasion of him ignoring me my Nan went in for a planned operation that she might not have survived (not hugely serious op but she's in her 90's and very frail). Again he didn't ask how she was until he'd started talking to me again.

It's so wrong. I just don't understand why I put up with it.

OP posts:

CharityDingle · 14/12/2020 11:59

OP, you have a chance to end it now. I think you don't want to, and that is of course, up to you.

Ask yourself why you think you deserve to be treated like this.
Ask yourself what example this is giving to your child.

(He shouldn't have free rein to communicate with your child while treating you like this.)
All of these things are within your control, to change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 12:00

Indeed ask yourself why you put up with this from him, there must be reasons why that is and that could be also tied in with your own poor boundaries and low self esteem/self worth amongst other factors like fear, obligation and guilt.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Consider that question too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 12:00

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. Make better choices for her and for you. This man is not a good choice nor influence on either of you.

firecracker69 · 14/12/2020 12:27

So, he wasn't there for you when you really needed him. When you were worried sick about your nan and mum, he wasn't there! Doesn't get much worse than this, does it?

You're right, you do need to dig deeper and question why you're accepting this. He will never, ever change. Surely you know that you deserve so much better. He won't get help but you can certainly help yourself and your child.

BurtonHouse · 14/12/2020 12:48

He's not being nice to your daughter for any altruistic reasons. He's rubbing your nose in it, emphasising that it's YOU at fault and YOU who must suffer and pay. Do not allow him to use your child as a pawn in his game.

Candyfloss99 · 14/12/2020 12:54

You keep saying you can't understand it. That is because he is an abuser and you are not. You don't have an abuser's mind. He clearly does. I can't believe you let him speak to your daughter while he is giving you the silent treatment. He is just using her to get at you. You need to get out of this toxic relationship for her sake if not your own.

Monr0e · 14/12/2020 13:13

Where do you see your relationship going? Are you hoping to live together in the future? Imagine what that will look like. Imagine being completely ignored and stonewalled in your own home. Imagine dreading going home to what should be your safe space. Imagine him teaching your daughter that this is how you act when someone disagrees with you. And then she starts ignoring you too.

This tool ignored you for three weeks. And you still took him back! Please please see the light and kick his sorry arse into touch.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 14/12/2020 13:19

I think we put up with this for a couple of reasons: either childhood abuse gave us no boundaries (as in my case) or it’s something we’ve never encountered before and is confusing.

The part where he’s nice to your dd while ignoring you is chilling. Plus he won’t see there’s a problem. I’d recommend you end it

Original poster

bluesky888 · 14/12/2020 14:23

He did mention about moving in together next year but I've said I'm not ready yet. I didn't think it would be possible for him to ignore me whilst living together but judging from some of the replies here it's very likely that he would.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 14/12/2020 16:42

@bluesky888

He definitely would and what's more he would poison the atmosphere of your home even more than he does now.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 16:54

It doesn't sound like you want to end the relationship even though it's so unhealthy for you and also your daughter?

AgentJohnson · 14/12/2020 17:12

Do not sacrifice your self respect on the altar of “If it wasn’t for this just one thing’. He’s made it very clear, he isn’t going to change.

The balls in your court,

Tiddleypops · 14/12/2020 17:20

It's worse when they do it in the same home Because they can walk around whistling and humming and chatting to people on the phone etc all while freezing you out deliberately.
I can see why you would say that perhaps it wouldn't be possible to ignore someone in the same house, but that's because you are a rational and sensible and caring person and you wouldn't be able to do it. This man is not, so he'll think nothing of doing it.

Have you done the freedom programme?

Onthedunes · 14/12/2020 18:04

Very true that they poison the atmosphere at home.
It also after time, spills into your life when they are not with you.

ie: Better not do that I will get the silent treatment, you change your choices because of them, they destroy your spirit

Total control thats what they are aiming for.
Where they don't even have to be present to control you.

They also don't have to be physically abusive to you, that only happens when you confront their behaviour and wish to regain your power.

chuffedasbuttons · 14/12/2020 18:37

@Tiddleypops
Up thread you perfectly described my EX (note the ex OP!)

He was such a sulker. He had a jealous streak too. So he would get jealous over nothing and stuff he made up in his head. Months would go past and a small insignificant tiff would have him sulking for days and then he'd blow up by blaming it back on the jealous thing that he made up months ago. I found it bewildering apologising for stuff just to make the house happy again.

He inevitably ended up crying in a complete pity party of his own life at every row - this pattern repeated itself for two years about every 8 weeks.

Eventually, I told him to FOTTFSOFO and funnily enough he sulked and refused to go. That went on for three weeks and in the end, my family were so exasperated with him they threatened to report his occasional drug use to his professional body. Poof! Bye bye then.

I really want this thread to be like a Facebook post you can tag someone in
Hey ex boyf - look! Lots of people like you

InFiveMins · 14/12/2020 19:31

It's not a coping method, it's abuse.

He sounds stroppy and immature. I'd leave him.

Emmie12345 · 14/12/2020 19:47

What a total wanker!

End it , you deserve better ! Xx

Colourmeclear · 14/12/2020 19:53

If he moves in you'll probably get the silent treatment for things that are nothing to do with you. His boss is a twat and somehow it'll be your fault because he feels he has 0 power at work but 100% power over you. It will make no sense and drive you mad and you can never call it out because he probably won't tell you it has nothing to do with you.

Charley50 · 14/12/2020 19:58

Been there, got the t-shirt. Thing with this type of abuse is you spend so much time on eggshells and wondering when they're coming back etc.. that you mistake the relief you feel (when they return) with love.

I don't think you love him. He isn't lovable. Someone who causes that much stress in their girlfriend, can't resolve conflict by talking, and happily freezes you out whenever he feels like it, isn't really lovable. And he doesn't love you. That's why he doesn't care what you do; he just doesn't care.
Throw this one back OP. He's not worth it.

firesong · 14/12/2020 20:00

Argh, no, my ex did that and we split. It's not sustainable when you have small kids and they also stop doing their share of the childcare in their sulk period. I hated it, very annoying and frankly ridiculous!

firesong · 14/12/2020 20:03

By the way, my current partner "processes" arguments. And that is quite different! He will still speak to me, very kindly in fact. He is just quite clear that he's not sure of his stance in the argument.

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