Page 3 | Ignoring me after an argument

bluesky888 · 2020-12-13T12:40:30+00:00

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years. We don't argue very often but when we do he will not talk to me after. Sometimes it can be a few days or it can be a couple of weeks. I know that it is his way of dealing with things but I'm finding it harder to cope with as I never know how long it is going to be. It is like he can completely switch off from the relationship and then switch back on as if nothing has ever happened. We don't live together. I've tried talking to him about it when things are normal but he has basically said that it is his coping method. I love him but it is getting so difficult with him doing this. It doesn't even have to be a big argument.

Charlottejade89 · 13/12/2020 22:51

my partner is exactly the same op. Sometimes I do t even know what have said to upset him and I get ignored for days until I apologise, but I dont even know what I'm apologising for. We have a 2 and half year old daughter and I'm literally about to give birth with our second child, but I decided to end it tonight. I basically text him and asked if he was coming g home to see his daughter before she goes to bed and he started another argument and has now stayed at his mates house. I just can't do it any more, my mental health is suffering and I dont want my daughter to think that being in a relationship like this is OK. I'm scared shitless about being a single mum to 2, and have g to five birth alone but I just have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it

Inaseagull · 13/12/2020 23:06

So you have your answer then. Don't get caught up in 'but we've been together for 2 years' 😩. Do you want this to be your life for the next 50?

Rybvita · 13/12/2020 23:39

Read the thread on here that was titled something like "divorcing sulking DH" . Read her original story and see what you have in store for you and run like the wind! Allowing him to treat you in this way demonstrates to him that you'll accept him treating you with a horrible lack of respect.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 23:41

[quote bluesky888]@EarthSight Thank you for your post. I've spoken to him before about this and he pretty much said that it's how he deals with things and it's not going to change. [/quote]
Does that not make you want to break up with him?!

Rybvita · 13/12/2020 23:43

@Charlottejade89

my partner is exactly the same op. Sometimes I do t even know what have said to upset him and I get ignored for days until I apologise, but I dont even know what I'm apologising for. We have a 2 and half year old daughter and I'm literally about to give birth with our second child, but I decided to end it tonight. I basically text him and asked if he was coming g home to see his daughter before she goes to bed and he started another argument and has now stayed at his mates house. I just can't do it any more, my mental health is suffering and I dont want my daughter to think that being in a relationship like this is OK. I'm scared shitless about being a single mum to 2, and have g to five birth alone but I just have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it

I grew up in a home with silent treatment dished out by a parent which toxified the atmosphere of the entire family home. It was exactly the same in that sometimes you don't even know what triggered their sudden change in mood. It was horrendous.

Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 23:50

Stonewalling, silent treatment, it's one of the most damaging, soul destroying abuses that only gets worse.

If you think he's an expert at it now wait till youv'e been together decades.

I hate people who use this for punishment, they should be made to live alone forever.

Mix56 · 14/12/2020 08:26

Do you think he stone walls his boss or his clients? Of course he doesn't.
He is giving you the silent treatment because you "disagree" or have worn the wrong clothes or have gone to the gym or sent an text to your friend.
ANY tiny affront (normal action) can set him off.
Its bullying, its manipulative, it niggles, you end up questioning yourself, you call making compliant apologies,
He feels big, better, he has got you in your place.
Its control, its abuse... & its the tip of the iceburg

Original poster

bluesky888 · 14/12/2020 08:44

I think I find it hard to get my head around as most of the time he is 'normal'. He's laid back, doesn't mind what I do or where I go, who I see, what I wear, he literally isn't controlling in the slightest. But if we have a disagreement about something he becomes this whole other person, blowing it completely out of proportion. It's just like I don't exist. Who ignores their partner for days/weeks after an argument? I just can't understand it.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 08:49

Don't try and understand it or talk further to him about this and besides which you do not have to. All you need to know is he does this because he can and it works for him. One or other of his own parents likely acts like this towards the other too; this is deeply ingrained and learnt abusive behaviour. Do also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

What would you advise a friend to do in this situation?. Staying at all with this man will merely result in more misery for you; its as bad and stark as that. He won't change either; this is who he is.

Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men. Do not further act as his rehab centre to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 08:50

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes because if they were awful all the time no-one would want to be with them. What you may also find here is that his periods of being "nice" are becoming further and fewer between and you're always on the lookout for his next outburst. What you're also really seeing now from him also is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 08:51

What do you get out of this relationship now, ask yourself that as well as what is in this still for you?.

Original poster

bluesky888 · 14/12/2020 08:55

His parents aren't together but yes I believe his Mum dishes out the silent treatment now and again (to my boyfriend).

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 08:57

Well there you go; he learnt this from his mother. Honestly bluesky the best Christmas present you can give yourself here is to leave this relationship entirely. This is not love he is showing you; its control and power and control lie at the heart of abuse.

You may well love him but I am wondering if you are also confusing this with codependency. Its something you may want to also consider.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 09:03

He may well get on with your DD (well currently anyway until he starts doing the same with her because its an act that he cannot maintain) but she is and will absorb further damaging lessons about relationships. This is NOT the relationship model she should at all be learning from.

Picktionary · 14/12/2020 09:11

LTB

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 09:46

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He may well get on with your DD (well currently anyway until he starts doing the same with her because its an act that he cannot maintain) but she is and will absorb further damaging lessons about relationships. This is NOT the relationship model she should at all be learning from.

This. It will affect her.

Who ignores their partner for days/weeks after an argument?

Dickheads who aren't suitable long term partners, that's who.

firecracker69 · 14/12/2020 09:59

He's told you he won't change, which means you either accept it, or leave him.

My ex did this to me, it's horrific. The worst kind of abuse and manipulation. I'm still suffering 2 years later.

He was the best father I know. He fooled all those around him with his "fake" or nicer side. He made me believe he truly was the nicest man I ever met.

I pulled him up on his silent treatment and told him how must I hated it and he agreed to stop. But of course it didn't stop - it's inbuilt.

You're allowing him around your child, showing her this is what a relationship looks like. Telling her he's just "busy," when he hasn't been around for a few weeks is just giving her the impression men can come and go as they please.... which he his doing. He's controlling the relationship!

Prettybubblesintheair · 14/12/2020 10:00

@Charlottejade89

my partner is exactly the same op. Sometimes I do t even know what have said to upset him and I get ignored for days until I apologise, but I dont even know what I'm apologising for. We have a 2 and half year old daughter and I'm literally about to give birth with our second child, but I decided to end it tonight. I basically text him and asked if he was coming g home to see his daughter before she goes to bed and he started another argument and has now stayed at his mates house. I just can't do it any more, my mental health is suffering and I dont want my daughter to think that being in a relationship like this is OK. I'm scared shitless about being a single mum to 2, and have g to five birth alone but I just have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it

Oh my gosh you poor lady but you are so brave and strong ending it with him. You’re doing the right thing, you are going to be a million times better off without that toxic arsehole in your lives. Your kids are very lucky to have such a strong mum instead of one who keeps them in such a horrid atmosphere. Best of luck with your new baby

VivaMiltonKeynes · 14/12/2020 10:01

I grew up with a Mother like this and it was only when I discussed it with a therapist that I realised the ramifications of it . Tip toeing around and never voicing your opinions because of the fear of this happening - always trying to tread the middle of the road . This had made me reluctant to voice my feelings and it took me nearly 60 years to get over this .

Monr0e · 14/12/2020 10:23

He is not great with your child if he can go from being a significant adult in her life to completely ignoring her.

He has told you he isn't going to change, your DD may not notice now (she does) but how will this impact her as she gets older.

She will blame herself, wonder what she has done wrong, think she isn't good enough, and it will affect her self esteem and possibly her own future relationships. I'm speaking from experience here.

You may be willing to accept this treatment but please remember you come as a team and what he does to you, he does to her also. If you are not willing to get rid for yourself then please do it for her. You are both worth so much better.

Butterymuffin · 14/12/2020 10:28

He's clearly not laid back if he reacts like this about disagreements though, is he? What he's doing is training you not to disagree with him and to take your punishment without complaining if you break his rules. You're an adult, do you want to live like that?

Starting now, don't contact him. He can deal with being ignored for a change.

Doingitaloneandproud · 14/12/2020 10:34

@bluesky888

I think I find it hard to get my head around as most of the time he is 'normal'. He's laid back, doesn't mind what I do or where I go, who I see, what I wear, he literally isn't controlling in the slightest. But if we have a disagreement about something he becomes this whole other person, blowing it completely out of proportion. It's just like I don't exist. Who ignores their partner for days/weeks after an argument? I just can't understand it.

My most relationship was like this and I'm so much better of out of it, when I was ignored I constantly questioned myself and that's soul destroying. You don't deserve to be ignored because he's got the hump over something. He's an adult and shouldn't resort to ignoring you if you've had a disagreement, disagreements are a part of life

ElizaCBennett · 14/12/2020 11:02

My husband started this when we were first married - 50 years ago! I was so shocked by it; I didn’t know what to do, I’d never experienced it before. I was only 19 and in those days you really didn’t go home and say ‘I’ve left him because he was ignoring me’. It went on for seven weeks the first time. I wish I could say it improved over time but sadly it didn’t.

It is demoralising and horrible and I’m still living it.

All I will say now OP is this won’t change! This is how he is and how he will remain. Think of how it will be in 50 years; put yourself first and leave this relationship now. I wish you all the best.

Original poster

bluesky888 · 14/12/2020 11:19

@ElizaCBennett 7 weeks? That's terrible. The longest my boyfriend has ignored me is for nearly 3 weeks.

What I do find really difficult is that he doesn't ignore my child during the time he's ignoring me. They might text a few times, or play online computer together etc. It is literally just me that gets ignored and it's awful.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 11:25

What I do find really difficult is that he doesn't ignore my child during the time he's ignoring me. They might text a few times, or play online computer together etc. It is literally just me that gets ignored and it's awful.

You keep saying this toxic relationship isn't affecting your child and yet you're facilitating and allowing an emotionally abusive man (who is being emotionally abusive towards you) direct access to your daughter. How can you think that is anywhere near sensible?!

He is doing that to triangulate you - so he looks like a reasonable person and who is 'kind' because he makes an effort with your child, meaning you feel sad left out and guilty and apologise to him even when you've admitted sometimes you don't know what you're saying sorry for.

You're allowing a horrible man to use your child as a pawn in your relationship. Can you not see how unhealthy that is? She is absolutely being impacted!