Still not divorcing after 7 years?

[Peach1818]

My partner of 6 years has been separated from his wife for 7 years now. We have a child together who is 2 and have lived full time together since just before his birth.
However much he tells me he is more married and committed to me then he ever was her I cant help but feel devastated that despite me bringing it up over the years he still has not taken any steps to divorce her. Marriage is really important to me, I asked him when my son was 1 year old and he declined. I am at the point where I feel so strongly about it that I don’t like who I have become; I am always making snide digs about him still being married. I just feel like I have discussed this and how important it is to me (at times in tears) and its been 6 years and he has still made no effort to even get the ball rolling where the divorce is concerned.
I really don’t feel I can carry on with this relationship - I feel like a desperate beg and it shouldn’t be this way.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to at least get a divorce? To at least make himself open for the possibility of marriage sometime jn the near future ?
I don’t necessarily expect him to jump straight into marriage once he is divorced but to just be available legally to be remarried if he wishes.

Did you ask him when you spoke about living together, trying for a baby together? I am trying to discover why you allowed yourself to be with a married man, move in with him and have a child with him without these conversations. I feel for you and your frustration as you are in a vulnerable position now with your child. You have no legal rights to anything if he dies, it goes to his wife. Its a treacherous situation. Does his wife and himself have a business together, lots of finances tied up? I know of one man who has been separated for 9 years and wont divorce due to tied businesses and its too difficult to split everything. Sadly, as your boyfriend has got away with this for so long I doubt he will divorce his wife now. He is happy (for whatever reason) to remain married, have his title as husband to his wife and be a boyfriend to you. Not the best situation at all. I assume you have talked until you are blue in the face about this but you have accepted it. I am not sure what you can do about it now but hope his wife meets someone and wants to marry them? Sorry OP this is a tricky situation for sure.

Um, if he were to die that might mean she would inherit rather than you.

Of course he should divorce her. Why have you continued in the relationship, getting deeper and deeper?

Oh sh*t

It’s a bad situation to be in - and the pp is right, you’ve got in deep

Your partner isn't more married to you than her. He is literally married to her and not you. I have no idea where you can go from here, but if he is hit by a bus tomorrow, he has a wife who is his next of kin. If he doesn't have wills to say otherwise, she will inherit from him too.

I would leave him. He is very clearly showing you that you are NOT a priority. It's an easy one to explain when people ask why you split up "he wouldn't divorce his ex wife". They will understand immediately.

Sorry, typo. "He wouldn't divorce his wife"

Of course it's not unreasonable, but I'm staggered you've progressed the relationship this far while he's done nothing to get divorced despite being separated so long.

What are the reasons he gives you for not having done something that is so logical and would make you, the woman he loves, feel safe secure and happy?

Another one here who wonders why you allowed this to get so far.....bit of a case of closing the stable door after the horse has bolted sorry.

It clearly makes no difference to him - to him it's just a procedure and a bit of paper to sign. Maybe he doesn't want to go through all the paperwork in terms of division of assets etc etc and more to the point pay the cost of it

Don't expect him to be in a hurry to marry you if he does get round to arranging the divorce

Does he have kids with he ex wife? How amicable was the split?

Wow - I know an older lady who had been in your position for 30 years.

He died, house in his name only. Wife of 30 odd years inherited the lot, lady is now living with one of her kids.

Even if her name was on the mortgage wife would have got his half.

Try talking to him reasonably about it from a financial perspective.
If he doesn't divorce her and is building assets, when she meets someone she wants to marry and decides to divorce him, there will be more she can lay claim to.
She's also his next of kin so if he were to die, she would benefit instead of your child.

How the hell has this even happened op? You’ve had a baby with a married man who doesn’t want to divorce his wife? This should have been discussed before you even started a relationship with him, let alone 6 years in and now a child in the mix. As pp have said, she’s his next of kin so stands to inherit any of his assets. He doesn’t even have to die for her to be entitled to his assets.
There was a poster on here the other day saying how a relative of hers split from his partner but never divorced. Many years later he met someone new and they bought a house together. The second his ex found out about their new house, she filed for divorce and claimed half the cost of it. I can’t even remember what happened, whether they ended up having to buy her out or whether they lost their home. You need to tread carefully here. Anything you own together needs to be in your name

@Phoenix21

Yup there was a right cheeky so and so on here not so long ago who found out her mother had previously been married to another man...they never divorced....she had never met this chap and she was born long after they had separated but he died intestate and she was asking if she could claim his estate!

I'm sorry you may have come here to look for sympathy, but unfortunately you only have your self to blame for this situation, Why on earth did you decide to have a baby with a married man?! You have no protection whatsoever right now, he probably doesn't really care otherwise he would of got divorced by now. Good luck for the future anyways what ever the outcome is.

He's not committed to you. I'd end it as you are clearly not a priority.

Why on earth did you decide to have a baby with a married man?!

This is a question you should reflect on. Was a really poor decision.

ooh messy 😱

Try and protect yourself as much as possible. I am not married to my dp but home in own name ( don't know if possible for you) and I have a life insurance policy on dp which pays out to me - this is something you can do and work full time. I would be upset that your dp has not tried to get a divorce but do what you can to protect yourself

He’s married so he knows that feelings don’t matter when it comes to feelingmarried as he’s literally is married to someone else.

He’s got what he wants from you while being legally joined to another woman (I mean, obviously you’re the other woman, not his wife but you know what I mean) so he’s not going to suddenly change his mind, be sensible and file the paperwork.

If you’re not happy - who would be?! - then end it and leave him.

How does your child feel knowing dad has a wife that’s not their mum? Very confusing.

You need to drop him like a hot brick.

Legally obtain child support. Don't take his word for payments as he has proven he can't be trusted.

Is it money? Is he lazy? Why won't he file divorce?

Well that was foolish. He isnt divorced so you have to hope he doesnt drop down dead as his wife could fight for his assets, life insurance , a share in the home if you have bought together. You have left yourself in a right mess. So perhaps given he hasnt committed to you, get decent wills drawn up. ensure your named as beneficiary for his pension , life insurance and if I were you before pushing for him to divorce now speak to a solicitor to understand the possible impact for you

I’d leave.

Even if he hadn’t repartnered most people don’t take 7 years to get divorced. There’s a reason he hasn’t and the only reason I can see is that he doesn’t want to marry you.
What a shit. I’m sorry. Move on and then you can find someone who does want to marry you

Make this top priority.
He starts divorce proceedings on Jan 2nd or you will be ending everything. It can be done online.

You are financially vulnerable. Don’t be that person any longer.

He is not committed to you. He is leaving the door open so he has the option of walking away with as little disruption to himself as possible. He has no care for your security and is showing you no respect as the mother of his child.
Harsh. But why on earth did you get yourself into this situation?

Thanks for the comments.

Not looking for sympathy at all but rather peoples thoughts as I am being made to seem way unreasonable!
Bit of background...
He has one child in ireland. We live in England. He is military also. We dont own a house together. He owns one solo. I gave up my social housing and moved away from my family to accompany him on deployment (3 hours away).
His ex is lovely, we get on well. We go out as a big happy family during visits and he states its ‘money’ that prevents him from divorcing... but I have made my feelings clear on the matter over the past 4 or so years and still not an effort made to divorce. It very clearly not important to him.

And yes when he retired from the army - next 4-5 years she will stand to get 50% of his pension.

Right so when you say this makes you deeply unhappy, feel worried for the future what is the specific reason he gives for not then sorting it out as a priority? Surely he answers in some way when you talk to him about this?

Say... what???