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Original poster

Still not divorcing after 7 years?

113 replies

Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 11:26

My partner of 6 years has been separated from his wife for 7 years now. We have a child together who is 2 and have lived full time together since just before his birth.
However much he tells me he is more married and committed to me then he ever was her I cant help but feel devastated that despite me bringing it up over the years he still has not taken any steps to divorce her. Marriage is really important to me, I asked him when my son was 1 year old and he declined. I am at the point where I feel so strongly about it that I don’t like who I have become; I am always making snide digs about him still being married. I just feel like I have discussed this and how important it is to me (at times in tears) and its been 6 years and he has still made no effort to even get the ball rolling where the divorce is concerned.
I really don’t feel I can carry on with this relationship - I feel like a desperate beg and it shouldn’t be this way.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to at least get a divorce? To at least make himself open for the possibility of marriage sometime jn the near future ?
I don’t necessarily expect him to jump straight into marriage once he is divorced but to just be available legally to be remarried if he wishes.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 14/12/2020 12:29

Very Odd, or he may have a will with his wife in it but not want to discuss that with Op. I guess it's his money and if he wants his wife to inherit then that's his choice. Maybe he wants her to inherit because she was deployed with him We found a will after Grandad died. He never admitted to having one and I can't imagine he'd have been happy if we tried to ask him what was in it. It was a private matter. Some people hate talking or thinking about death. Maybe Op could just accept the possibility hes made his mind up about inheritance and buy herself a house to move to when he one days dies and she gets kicked out by his wife? Personally I'd leave if I was Op but I appreciate she may not want to split up her family, or may love him too much to leave over money.

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 14/12/2020 13:44

You said the home and ex were in Ireland. If there is any chance you mean NI then the house is fair dibs for his wife in any asset separation whether or not it was purchased post separation. That is unless there is a separation agreement in place, but it doesn’t sound like there is.

I’m not sure of the law in Ireland but can’t imagine it would be too dissimilar.

mpsw · 14/12/2020 13:47

You can apply for a variation to a Will if there are dependent DC who are otherwise unprovided for.

I find it hard to,believe that someone who has done operational tours does not have a Will. It's mentioned so often in pre-deployment briefings, and I think may be facilitated. His wife may well know about it, as leaving admin in good order is also urged

BlueThistles · 14/12/2020 13:56

look what happened to the Soldier murdered several years ago.. Lee Rigby

He was separated.. and living and engaged to someone else.. whilst still legally married...

on his death everything including pension went to his Wife, as was legal.

LilyLongJohn · 14/12/2020 14:29

That sounds awful op. It's not just about not getting married is it.

He won't marry you
He won't sort a will out to ensure you're looked after in the event of his death
He tricked you into giving your dc his surname
He won't tie you in financially into a house with him.

Op you're in a very precarious situation. I think you're doing the right thing by sorting full time employment out, and getting a house in your name. In your shoes I'd seriously consider distancing and stopping the relationship with this man. You come way down his list of priorities, and by doing so, so does your dc. Does he not realise that if anything happens, not only will you be left 'high and dry' but your dc will too.

Thehouseofmarvels · 14/12/2020 16:07

One problem he has with writing a will is that if he writes one leaving everything to you then his wife could challenge it. In my family someone left everything to their kids from their first marriage. Wife challenged it and got half. Him writing a will leaving you half and her half could avoid a possible legal battle if he has ruled out ever divorcing. Also soldiers may be encouraged to register wills with the army? If they have a register it may be awkward explaining he needs to change his will to leave his wife and child with nothing? Might not go down too well to leave an army wife who had followed him to deployed with nothing..

User775633244 · 14/12/2020 16:34

But if he takes advice and shares his estate between his wife , his older child and younger child then there would be little grounds to contest it. I only have personal experience of this, not legal, and I'm in Scotland but I do think you can only contest a will in certain circumstances, and the wishes of the person that died are always taken into consideration. Right now there is no will, and no provision for his younger child. This needs to be rectified. The OP and her dp need to get proper legal advice on this, because there will be a way to create provision for his child.

Rubble1956 · 26/07/2024 20:13

Reading articles about people separated who do not then seek to divorce . For reasons only they can explain . Living with a partner female now for 11 years and she hasn’t divorced . We have alluded to marrying . Her ex was very bad to her and seriously mistreated her. But she hasn’t risen to divorcing instead talking about when he is ready they will sort it out simply . When he retires ? When he decides ? Maybe never ? But she waits .,

talked of marriage with me but now says won’t marry again . Strange behaviour I cannot understand .

I was previously married but my wife died . Has a great marriage and no regrets . This one especially when he was bad to her I don it now follow

I am patient I consider myself a good guy and good person.

Why would that be ? Why is it like this ?

I really am lost .

RealisticSketch · 27/07/2024 06:41

@Rubble1956 you need to start your own thread on this for decent answers. You activated an ancient thread and people won't see this halfway through they'll just see the op and ignore for age or reply to that.
Maybe she's scared to ask him and scared to tell you that? But start your own thread in relationships.

Rubble1956 · 30/07/2024 21:23

Reading articles about people separated who do not then seek to divorce . For reasons only they can explain . Living with a partner female now for 11 years and she hasn’t divorced . We have alluded to marrying . Her ex was very bad to her and seriously mistreated her. But she hasn’t risen to divorcing instead talking about when he is ready they will sort it out simply . When he retires ? When he decides ? Maybe never ? But she waits .,

talked of marriage with me but now says won’t marry again . Strange behaviour I cannot understand .

I was previously married but my wife died . Had a great marriage and no regrets . This one , especially when he was bad to her , I don’t now follow at all .

I am patient I consider myself a good guy and good person.

Why would that be ? Why is it like this ?

I really am lost .

RealisticSketch · 31/07/2024 06:01

Start your own thread

Rubble1956 · 31/07/2024 09:54

Thanks realised how to do it so did it just now 👍

RealisticSketch · 31/07/2024 14:15

Cool, good luck

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