Still not divorcing after 7 years?

[Peach1818]

My partner of 6 years has been separated from his wife for 7 years now. We have a child together who is 2 and have lived full time together since just before his birth.
However much he tells me he is more married and committed to me then he ever was her I cant help but feel devastated that despite me bringing it up over the years he still has not taken any steps to divorce her. Marriage is really important to me, I asked him when my son was 1 year old and he declined. I am at the point where I feel so strongly about it that I don’t like who I have become; I am always making snide digs about him still being married. I just feel like I have discussed this and how important it is to me (at times in tears) and its been 6 years and he has still made no effort to even get the ball rolling where the divorce is concerned.
I really don’t feel I can carry on with this relationship - I feel like a desperate beg and it shouldn’t be this way.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to at least get a divorce? To at least make himself open for the possibility of marriage sometime jn the near future ?
I don’t necessarily expect him to jump straight into marriage once he is divorced but to just be available legally to be remarried if he wishes.

@Peach1818

So there were arguments over this ... and he won by telling me we would get married 🤦🏼‍♀️

But he's made zero moves to even start a divorce, so how come you've stuck it out this long? It was clearly just to shut you up. When he hasn't done anything about it, you've just stayed .

It costs £550 for court fees to divorce. If they're so amicable they might not even need lawyers, they could do it DIY.

If his ex is lovely are you able to ask her why she has never wanted a divorce from him ?

He doesn’t want to marry you.

It’s why you argued over him getting a divorce.

If he doesn’t get one, he can always use the reason of still being married to put off a wedding to you.

Sorry to be so blunt but that’s the crux of this.

You need to start making back up plans.

So everything is on his terms...and the child has his name... despite your not being married as he still is married to someone else... 🤔

I feel for you OP .. he has totally gas lighted you ... even conning you over baby's surname by lying that you would be married.. christ what a situ 🌺

@Peach1818

So there were arguments over this ... and he won by telling me we would get married 🤦🏼‍♀️

As in he's said this tonight?

I know what you're saying about not wanting him to do it just because you've forced him but you've made you and your child so financially vulnerable that I would be wanting a clear timeframe and a date as soon as possible to have a registry office Wedding as soon as the divorce is through.

You need to safeguard your future - you are so vulnerable.

Sorry sorry I misread, you meant you argued about your child's surname and he won you over and persuaded you to give the baby his last name on the premise you'd be married?

Yeah he's a prick OP. Absolute prick.

So, he's "intent" is to give his wife half the pension because of everything they went through with his tours of duty... That's really the reason of staying married?

Romantically he was single when you met, legally you're just the mistress. This is a very bad position to be in.

I would demand (in a nice way) that he lays out the reasons in very clear, logical language why he can't divorce. Obviously she doesn't wish to either.

Both of them are not restricted from seeking a simple divorce, if it's one big happy family then you wouldn't even have to involve solicitors and it could be an amicable split. You are currently in an appalling situation and would be wise to consider some pretty extreme alternatives. What he intends to do doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what the future will bring.

His “ex” may well be very nice but clearly it is not in her interest to divorce him as she would lose out financially!

Oh dear, op. You have really gotten yourself into a total lose/lose situation. All I can say is that you had better get yourself to be financially independent asap, because this man can't be trusted. He couldn't care less about your security.

You're young so a pension doesn't mean much right now. It will when you're in your 50s, 60s, 70s

You must look out for yourself and DC as he's made it crystal clear he isn't.

Spend a bit of time pretending it is just you and DC. What would you want your life to look like? Do you have a degree and career? Are there places you've wanted to see? Things you've wanted to do?
Think about yourself for a bit.

It costs £550 for court fees to divorce. If they're so amicable they might not even need lawyers, they could do it DIY

That's in UK. It seems the wife, child and house are all in Ireland. Am I right in thinking that Ireland does not have 'clean break' divorce, and it is always possible to revisit the financials?

My OH is not a bad bloke either

He's really not a nice man.

His ex is lovely, we get on well.

Of course she's nice. Every year they stay married, the richer she'll be!

So there were arguments over this ... and he won by telling me we would get married

He can say the words but I bet there'll be no actual actions.

Tell him to start divorce proceedings now or it’s over.

Oh and his wife is only ‘lovely’ because she’s going to inherit everything you and DC should. I’m sorry to say this but are you sure there isn’t still something going on between them? It seems so strange that they’d ‘separate’ 7 years ago, he’d be with someone new for 6 years and the divorce still isn’t final. Either she’s looking forward to pay day or they’re still shagging, sorry OP

He’s military so will get his pension paid once he retires - at the moment that could be as soon as 4 years from now ... 40

Ex in ireland - we are in UK. House is owned in ireland

Choices have been made

A wife & child who don't seem to want to divorce

A husband who had another child (with his name) who doesn't want a divorce

You are effectively lower on the list of all their priorities

All 3 people have made a choice

They may never divorce

You, however can leave & are free to start a new relationship with an unmarried person

Op, you're not a leaf in the wind, why are you acting as if you have no agency here?

Maybe he can’t afford to get divorced? It doesn’t just cost the court fee. There is a financial settlement to sort - the cost of the payout and the cost of someone to negotiate it. He would have to sell that house and split it and hand over a big sum from his pension. Maybe he and the OP would actually be worse off then? These things work both ways round. I expect he’s done some research and has seen that marriage is a financially ruinous arrangement for the main earner if the other party does not earn anything similar. Once bitten, twice shy? He hasn’t been able to afford to get out of it. Every single poster here seems to see him as the only provider for the OP’s child but can’t she earn too? Then her own savings will be her own with nobody else entitled to them ever.

Divorce is massively expensive. Especially if disputed. This man means presumably more to the OP than just being an in-service death benefit and a pension pot. She loves him, he was in a difficult situation - and was separated - and she has gone ahead and had a child without him being married. It happens. She doesn’t deserve the vitriol she is getting here. People aren’t perfect.

Bit confused by you saying there is no will. If he's in the military there will probably be a will. They are very very very heavily advised to write one before deployed. They even offer a free will writing service. You can do it privately or through them. It's just a very simple form they have, he might not even realise if he's silly that he's signed a will. If he was with her at the time of his first deployments she'll be in it.

I gave up my social housing and moved away from my family to accompany him on deployment (3 hours away)

If you moved back to your family could they help you get back on your feet OP? Could they help with childcare so you could increase your work hours, help with drop off for nursery or whatever? I think at this point you need to do what is best for your future and financial security, you will not get it with this man I am sorry to say. He has shown that you are not a priority to him and neither is your child. Both you and DC are very vulnerable and he has done nothing to provide security in the event of a worse case scenario.

OP, it's possible he's just lazy. But it sounds more plausible that he doesn't want to marry / commit to you and as long as he stays like this, the longer he can put off telling you.

That is what it appears like to an outsider.

I think you need to issue an ultimatum. And have some self respect. Show your child how you expect to be treated. And how you expect their father to treat them in ensuring they are protected and safe if anything happens. I'm very that this hasn't crossed his mind or that he seemingly doesn't care. Is he generally a good father?

It really is that simple.

He’s military so will get his pension paid once he retires - at the moment that could be as soon as 4 years from now ... 40

How long has he served? What rank is he? because he might not...

@catspyjamas123

Are you serious? The OP has zero protection if her partner dies. Absolutely nothing, she is residing in his military accommodation. She is extremely vulnerable given he actually works for the military and you've come on to suggest that if he remains married to someone else she will be better off? How the hell would she be better off? She has no assets at all with him. Everything is all in his name.

Say his assets were a pie, right now he's got half the pie, as does the wife ( roughly give or take), the OP has nothing. Maybe on paper it looks like he has the whole pie because it's all in his name, even better. He can look at the pie, show the OP the pie, they can all enjoy knowing the pie is there. But his wife can come along at ANY point and just take half the pie away or if the OPs dp dies the wife gets the entire pie, no questions asked.

If the OPs partner divorces and remarries the OP, he only has half the pie, but that will be theirs to share. If he dies the OP gets what is there for her and her child .

Anyone suggesting that the OPs current situation is to her benefit is not being helpful. Nothing about this is in her best interest. For either her or her child. And she has a two year old with this man, this will affect her potential earnings. If she didn't have a child then fair enough, the child though , changes everything in my book.

And that's not even taking into consideration the psychological impact that the dp still being married will be having on the OP, which is causing her distress to the point where she doesn't even recognise herself.

And it's not vitriol , it's concern.