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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still not divorcing after 7 years?

113 replies

Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 11:26

My partner of 6 years has been separated from his wife for 7 years now. We have a child together who is 2 and have lived full time together since just before his birth.
However much he tells me he is more married and committed to me then he ever was her I cant help but feel devastated that despite me bringing it up over the years he still has not taken any steps to divorce her. Marriage is really important to me, I asked him when my son was 1 year old and he declined. I am at the point where I feel so strongly about it that I don’t like who I have become; I am always making snide digs about him still being married. I just feel like I have discussed this and how important it is to me (at times in tears) and its been 6 years and he has still made no effort to even get the ball rolling where the divorce is concerned.
I really don’t feel I can carry on with this relationship - I feel like a desperate beg and it shouldn’t be this way.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to at least get a divorce? To at least make himself open for the possibility of marriage sometime jn the near future ?
I don’t necessarily expect him to jump straight into marriage once he is divorced but to just be available legally to be remarried if he wishes.

OP posts:
User775633244 · 13/12/2020 19:50

Well he doesn't own anything solo. Assets gained after the marriage will be shared.

You are in a precarious situation, given that you have given up social housing to be with him. If he dies has he made a will including you and your child? He sounds like he is not really thinking through this decision. I don't think I could be with someone who was willing to jeopardise mine and my child's security because he doesn't want to hand over shared assets to his wife!

Original poster
Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 19:54

He tells me we will get married one day and thats been the story for about 3 years

OP posts:
category12 · 13/12/2020 19:55

Wow.

You've really taken a punt with your life on this bloke. What's your contingency plan?

Original poster
Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 19:56

No there is no will.
He states he has changed me to his NOK at work.. which tells me if he is injured in service I might have the honour of being the first to know .. but that will be about all

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 19:57

@Peach1818

No there is no will. He states he has changed me to his NOK at work.. which tells me if he is injured in service I might have the honour of being the first to know .. but that will be about all
So what's his reason for not including you in his will? Again, surely you've asked him about it?
grapewine · 13/12/2020 19:59

He has one child in Ireland. We dont own a house together. He owns one solo. I gave up my social housing and moved away from my family to accompany him on deployment (3 hours away

Oh, OP. This is not good. Get yourself out of this mess and secure custody of your son.

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 20:01

This is bad. I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say. You moved three hours away from your life to be with him and you don't have the same rights as an unmarried partner as he already has a wife and she will take priority. He doesn't even have a will? And changing his next of kin suits him as you are able to be there for him quicker and easier than anyone else . That's not something he did for you, it's something he did for himself.

Twizbe · 13/12/2020 20:02

You need to start protecting your assets and making a plan to leave.

If he dies his wife and other child will get everything. You and your child will be in legal limbo.

Why has his wife not started proceedings?

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 20:03

Agreed.. this is bad OP 🌺

GaryTheDemon · 13/12/2020 20:06

I think you should move this over to legal because it sounds like you need to understand, and he needs to understand, what the implications are here, around money especially. For example because he is still technically married does that mean that she is entitled to 50% of all of his assets? Or would the period of the separation effect that?

I assume that there is a big financial reason that neither of them have divorced because while it is very strange that he hasn’t, the fact that she hasn’t instigated anything either (and they are now over the point where one of them could divorce the other without having to have the others permission). it does suggest that there is something in it for one or both of them in remaining married.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 20:06

@Twizbe

You need to start protecting your assets and making a plan to leave.

If he dies his wife and other child will get everything. You and your child will be in legal limbo.

Why has his wife not started proceedings?

His ex is acting in the best financial interests of herself and her child I guess.

Oh OP this is such a shame that you've given up a home and support network for a man on a promise.

You must take steps to protect yourself here, I would say an ultimatum but frankly he's shown he doesn't really want to marry you and he holds the cards financially to a terrifying degree.

As a priority if he won't divorce immediately and get married as soon as he can afterwards, he needs to make a will that protects your child in the even of his death.

Currently youll be first to know if he dies and fuck all else.

C0NNIE · 13/12/2020 20:07

Surely no one is this daft ?

You live in a house owned by him and his wife. You gave up your own secure house to move there.

I’m waiting for the update that says you gave up your job to look after him and his wife’s house and to do his share of the childcare so he can keep up his income and pension for him and his wife .

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 20:08

Do you have your own income work wise OP?

RealisticSketch · 13/12/2020 20:08

Surely it wouldn't take that much money to divorce after all this time. Has he even looked into it enough to know what the cost is?
Nothing about this situation shows he is protecting the interests of you and your son, he is turning a blind eye to your wishes though, on some fairly flimsy excuses.
It sounds like a very one sided partnership where he holds all the cards and you have little say in anything.

GaryTheDemon · 13/12/2020 20:15

If you can agree contact and finance yourselves it can cost as little as £500/600 to divorce. You don’t need lawyers etc if you can agree.

Original poster
Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 20:16

I do have my own income from an adhoc job at the moment. I work around him. After xmas i start a new better paid, full time job.

I am going to start making arrangements to secure my own housing tomorrow. Even if i have to private rent i would like to have my own secure home asap.

I dont live in his and his wife’s home. He bought this house after their separation. We live together in military accommodation.

OP posts:
flakdh · 13/12/2020 20:16

This is not going to start getting better until you leave and commence rebuilding your life without him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 20:19

I have made my feelings clear on the matter over the past 4 or so years

You haven’t. If you really meant it you’d have given him an ultimatum and followed through when he kept the status quo. Which obviously suits him more than the alternative.

He has no reason to get divorced, for reasons you don’t understand he’s happier being married to her than not. You might have spent 4 years moaning but you haven’t done anything but that and he doesn’t care.

So now what?

grassisjeweled · 13/12/2020 20:19

Reread your posts back to yourself.
Then advise your own self.

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 20:20

I was thinking he didn't want to divorce because he didn't want to lose assets. His (ex) wife on the other hand might realise she is going to get half his pension and ALL the assets when he died, hence her not bothering too much about moving forwards with a divorce either. To be honest she might get half his pension in the divorce anyway.

It's something you should possibly get some legal advice over. One thing I'm fairly sure of though, you and your DC are the most vulnerable in this situation and you need to start protecting yourself.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 13/12/2020 20:21

We live together in military accommodation

How, if you are not married?

Original poster
Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 20:27

Rules changed last year. If you can prove you’re in a long term relationship and cohabitating your now entitled to accommodation. Theyre finally getting with the times 🙄

OP posts:
User775633244 · 13/12/2020 20:31

It probably looked a bit strange when he applied for military accomodation to cohabit with a partner but put his status down as married.

I don't know anything about all that but you need to move forward with your plans in securing your financial situation.

litterbird · 13/12/2020 20:32

"I dont live in his and his wife’s home. He bought this house after their separation."

OP, you need to get help quick as you are not quite understanding the predicament here. The house he bought after the separation falls under 'marital assets" she will get this house if he dies or half of it if he divorces, unless he has you on the deeds? You will have no where to live if something happens to him. Please get out of this mess asap.

mpsw · 13/12/2020 20:32

So who is living in the house he owns?

When does he next expect a posting, and where will you go if no spare SFA?

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