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Original poster

Still not divorcing after 7 years?

113 replies

Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 11:26

My partner of 6 years has been separated from his wife for 7 years now. We have a child together who is 2 and have lived full time together since just before his birth.
However much he tells me he is more married and committed to me then he ever was her I cant help but feel devastated that despite me bringing it up over the years he still has not taken any steps to divorce her. Marriage is really important to me, I asked him when my son was 1 year old and he declined. I am at the point where I feel so strongly about it that I don’t like who I have become; I am always making snide digs about him still being married. I just feel like I have discussed this and how important it is to me (at times in tears) and its been 6 years and he has still made no effort to even get the ball rolling where the divorce is concerned.
I really don’t feel I can carry on with this relationship - I feel like a desperate beg and it shouldn’t be this way.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to at least get a divorce? To at least make himself open for the possibility of marriage sometime jn the near future ?
I don’t necessarily expect him to jump straight into marriage once he is divorced but to just be available legally to be remarried if he wishes.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 20:33

everything he owns is also hers OP.. so everything you are contributing toward.. is benefitting his wife too... not you 🌺

C0NNIE · 13/12/2020 20:35

So do you live in his house that he and his wife own ? Or do you live in rented military accommodation that comes with his job?

Either way he could kick you out tomorrow if he feels like it. You have no security.

Longdistance · 13/12/2020 20:36

You need to remind him that marriage is a legal document, that leave you in a precarious position. He needs to sort ASAP.

MsTSwift · 13/12/2020 20:39

Legally this is a disaster for you

im5050 · 13/12/2020 20:44

Is it because she is catholic and won’t consider divorce
That’s about the only thing I can think off
Although for her the longer they stay married the better she will be off financially

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 20:46

this sounds very familiar too... OP have you posted about this before ? 🌺

im5050 · 13/12/2020 20:48

BlueThistle I thought that as well
I can’t believe that people - mainly women do this time and time again
You rarely hear of a man doing anything this stupid

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 13/12/2020 20:52

Theyre finally getting with the times 🙄

Hmm but he is not committed. He's married to someone else. Married quarters were those for good reason. Not to put a roof over the head of every girlfriend that's bloke won't marry her.

Litgoals041 · 13/12/2020 20:54

Unfortunately in this situation too, not quite as long as you but still a significant amount of time. Any time I bring up getting a divorce my OH just gets so angry and defensive, his family have asked him to get it done too to protect himself and us but he won't. I guess he just doesn't want to 😔 I'm going to give him a deadline date then find somewhere else to live. Why should I continue to contribute to his home and our business when she could take it all and I'd be left with nothing?

HotelliFinlandia · 13/12/2020 20:56

Is it because it's a headache to divorce her in Ireland if he's in the U.K.?

OP you need to leave. Not threaten it, actually do it. It's going to be incredibly painful, but there's no way out of this impasse that won't be. It's not like staying together leaves you feeling good either.

If he divorces her, then you can get back together, BUT seek legal advice (even if you have to pay for it) to make absolutely certain you are fully covered in all circumstances. Sadly, this guy, however much he may love you, simply hadn't demonstrated that he's thinking of you at all times. Only get back in this relationship if you're fully aware of your all the legal and financial possibilities. Forewarned is necessary now.

Absolutely do no move with him again anywhere else in the country (or abroad) unless you're married. You need to have that contract if he wants you to follow him around.

Original poster
Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 21:00

Its empty. It is ours for when he/we go to visit his son

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 21:00

@im5050

BlueThistle I thought that as well I can’t believe that people - mainly women do this time and time again You rarely hear of a man doing anything this stupid
yes I agree.. I thought it very familiar 🌺
BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 21:01

@Peach1818

Its empty. It is ours for when he/we go to visit his son
is your name on the Deeds ?
C0NNIE · 13/12/2020 21:37

A tenner says her name isn’t on the deed because Reason ( she has a bad credit record, she doesn't earn enough, it’s against his religion, his granny wouldn’t like it, the army won’t allow it , he’s waiting until they get engaged, it would upset his wife / cat ) .

Anyone see my tenner and raise me twenty ?

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 21:48

@C0NNIE

A tenner says her name isn’t on the deed because Reason ( she has a bad credit record, she doesn't earn enough, it’s against his religion, his granny wouldn’t like it, the army won’t allow it , he’s waiting until they get engaged, it would upset his wife / cat ) .

Anyone see my tenner and raise me twenty ?

Agreed
JillofTrades · 13/12/2020 21:50

Marriage is really important to me,

No its not. You would have done this before having a child with a man who was married.

im5050 · 13/12/2020 22:26

C0NNIE
I raise you £50 no idea if that possibly with bets 😂😂

Original poster
Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 22:35

Its a shitty situation and sounds identical to mine. My OH is not a bad bloke either. I just cant move past the situation. I’ve been naive, I knew about all the above and he does too, but the gravity of the situation - especially given his line of work is something I should have been taking more seriously.... his ex was with him through a few tours (afghan/iraq) and deployed overseas... she went through a lot with him and I sympathise with that. The circumstances are complicated and tbh I am not overly fussed money wise. Security of home and the marriage part matters more to me... she can have all his pension.

Whats worse is that I feel like he clearly doesn’t want to marry me otherwise he would be divorced by now... and if i give him an ultimatum and as a result he got divorced - we got married .. I would still have the face in the back of my head ... “I’ve forced this” ... its useless either way 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 13/12/2020 23:00

Whose surname did you choose for your baby?

category12 · 13/12/2020 23:06

You seem remarkably chilled about this.

Thehouseofmarvels · 13/12/2020 23:17

By refusing to write a will he is not only favouring his wife he is disinheariting your child.

User775633244 · 13/12/2020 23:18

@Peach1818

You do sound extremely reasonable, you like her, you like him. Everyone's great and they all deserve to be taken care of . Who is going to take care of you? I take it your dp being military means his risk to life is higher than average which as you say, makes it all riskier, and quite frankly stupider.

You are working around your dp, a few hours on a low paying job, living in military accommodation that will disappear if he dies, with no access to even his monthly wage to pay the bills?

And what if he just meets someone else and wants you out? He's only liable for child support.

I don't see how you can still be so reasonable, he hasn't even bothered to write a will after your DC was born. He's military FFS. This is basic stuff.

Thehouseofmarvels · 13/12/2020 23:21

By that I mean when he dies she will get everything. If nothing goes to you you cannot pass it on to your child when you die. If he absolutely refuses to write a will leaving you a penny then surely he could write a will that divided the money between his wife and your child? If he doesn't want you or you kid to get apenny if he dies then that's his choice and I guess all you can do is accept it but at least you know his feelings.

Original poster
Peach1818 · 13/12/2020 23:21

So there were arguments over this ... and he won by telling me we would get married 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 13/12/2020 23:27

My DS and DIL are in the same situation, she never finalised her divorce with her ex 10 years ago.
I was supposed to be giving them the deposit for a home of their own but I've been obliged to say sorry but I'm not giving you anything until you've divorced him. He could pop up at any time and claim a quarter of that money and I'm not giving my hard earned cash to a man I've never even met.
Just read your latest post Peach and you have given up absolutely everything for this man. If he decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore you will be out on the street entirely - there is absolutely no positive in this story. He holds all the power and you none. You have given up every last bit of your security for you and your child.
I think you need to start planning what you are going to do if you ever break up, quite urgently. I just cannot understamnd why women get themselves in this awful situation!
He is not in a hurry to do anything and never will because he holds all the cards.