Evil for leaving

[Umbrellaonthebeach]

Hello,

I’m in my thirties and have been married for 6 years, and with my husband for 2 years before that. I have a 9 year old son from my previous relationship. My son doesn’t know that my husband isn’t his biological father.

I knew my husband from school, but we were only ever friends. He was always a bit in awe of me, but I wasn’t interested back then. We stayed in touch after leaving school because we both belonged to the same church.

My previous relationship was very intense and passionate, but also physically abusive. This led me to being suicidal. To cut a long story short, I turned to my now-husband for help, and he talked me out of killing myself, and paid my boyfriend a lot of money to leave me alone, and leave the area.

I had nowhere to go with my son, and so he let me stay with him for free (in our own rooms).

He never tried anything with me (although was obviously in love with me), but I think his almost heroic actions and my intense gratitude made me want him, and after a few months living with him I basically threw myself at him, and we started a relationship. After about a year, he asked me to marry him, and although I was already having some doubts, I said yes.

Now, I’ve realised that I don’t really love him “like that”, but as a friend only. I don’t enjoy sex with him, because I’m just not interested in him like that.

So I’m thinking of leaving, but I feel awful about it.

Neither of us work. I home school my son full time, and my husband volunteers for various causes, unpaid. He inherited (before we got together) enough money from his parents that he never has to work, as long as he’s sensible with money.

I don’t have any qualifications, so if I work it would be minimum wage. If I leave, I’d feel awful about taking any of my husbands money or assets, because he’s basically saved my life, housed me and my son, and I’d be repaying him by taking some of his inheritance away, which would then require him to work when he didn’t need to before. On the other hand, I don’t want my son to live in relative poverty.

I feel really evil for even thinking of leaving, and totally evil for thinking of taking anything from my husband in a divorce.

This wont be popular but its not about you anymore. What a mess to deceive your child like that. I'd focus on that than your feelings about him. There are no fairy tale love stories. What he's done may be the closest to a fairy tale or preying on a vulnerable woman. You can explore that with a psychotherapist.
Why are you home schooling him? You both sound so isolated.
You dont have to have sex with him. You dont have to love each other. Respect and understanding is far more important.
I think you should start by getting some counselling, then sorting out a decent job. Your son may need to go to a school.
The restlessness might be more to do with you and how you feel about your own self than your husband.

You dont have to take anything financial from him. If the child is in his name you could get child maintenance.

I think to disrupt a childs life and drag them in poverty away from a parent they love, assuming your husband is kind and loving to you both, because you no longer want to have sex or dont have feelings for him is selfish. If he is abusive thats a different story.

So don't take his money then.
He doesn't have to fund your child. Of course he might be happy to if he's raised him as his own but you can get a job. Plenty of people work minimum wage jobs. Look to see if you can complete some qualifications. Why is your son home schooled?

@QueefBee no, he isn’t at all abusive, but he does get insecure if we’ve not had sex for a couple of months, and asks if I still love him and am attracted to him.

@GreenLeafTurnip the homeschooling is just a lifestyle thing really, we have a lot of free time to prepare lessons (and my husband briefly worked as a teacher before he got his inheritance), and we both enjoy it. We interact with lots of people in the home schooling community (online only these days), so my son does get contact with other kids his age.

This is a short marriage so you won't be taking away as much as you might think. The courts like to return both parties to the position they entered the marriage when it is short. In your case that's nothing.

You're not evil, but you are a user.

You used your husband to get yourself out of the mess with your ex.

You used him to provide shelter when you didnt know where else to go.

You played on the fact that he had always admired you to secure yourself.

You used him to not have to provide your son with tricky answers to difficult questions.

You used his inheritance to not work.

You married him despite not fancying him.

Now you are actually considering tapping into his money as repayment.

You are free to leave and you should leave, because you never loved or fancied this man or saw him as anything other than a crutch to stop you having to come up with your own solutions.

It doesnt make you a bad person, but it does make you manipulative and self centred.

Put your child in school and get a job like everyone else does.

@QueefBee

I hadn’t thought of it that I was deceiving my child. In every way that matters my husband IS his father. I guess we’ll need to tell him one day, but it’s never seemed the right time.

@CrotchBurn

You're not evil, but you are a user.

You used your husband to get yourself out of the mess with your ex.

You used him to provide shelter when you didnt know where else to go.

You played on the fact that he had always admired you to secure yourself.

You used him to not have to provide your son with tricky answers to difficult questions.

You used his inheritance to not work.

You married him despite not fancying him.

Now you are actually considering tapping into his money as repayment.

You are free to leave and you should leave, because you never loved or fancied this man or saw him as anything other than a crutch to stop you having to come up with your own solutions.

It doesnt make you a bad person, but it does make you manipulative and self centred.

Put your child in school and get a job like everyone else does.

Yes I agree put him in school 🏫 and get a job 😤

Well this is quite straightforward. You do what every person who is in an unfulfilling and ‘finished’ marriage does: leave.

Get a job. Get a school place for your kid. Get starting again.

Whether your husband choses to support his son (and I do understand his is, to all intents and purposes, his father), is his choice. You cannot ask for anything more from this man.

Tbh it might be worth hanging fire on splitting up, and retraining first so you are better able to support yourself and your son. Have a little ambition for yourself beyond minimum wage and use the training period to get your dc used to school and to gently start introducing the idea that his father is not biological. If you split, you do not know whether he will continue in the father role, or if he'll bale - it could go either way.

@category12 It might be a long road to retraining - I left school without any GCSEs, so I’d have to go back to those. I’m prepared to do it for my son, but wondering how long it would take to get qualifications which would let me climb beyond minimum wage.

@CrotchBurn

You make it sound like I’ve intentionally deceived and manipulated my husband. It’s not like that. I don’t think I was in a good place to make the decision to marry my husband - although I didn’t realise this until much later. I thought it was for the right reasons at the time.

I'd really advise you to think long term in that case, tbh. You could do an access course to get your Maths and English.

Actually you might be a good candidate for an adult apprenticeship, as they bring you up to gcse standard in maths and English, alongside the vocational training. And you'd have some wage coming in while you did it. So you'd be in a better position to leave in a couple of years time.

A long time probably.
Welcome to the real world.

I think you really need to tell your son about his heritage...much longer and he’s going to be an angsty teen and it’s going to be hell on Earth for him to discover you lied to him for so many years.

Before you say I don’t understand...I sat my DD down at 7yo and told her the truth about her parentage...she’s 16 now and has taken it as part of who she is. Imagine finding out at 14/15/16 that the person you thought was your dad actually isn’t!

Don't be harsh with the op, she came out of an abusive relationship and it's no wonder she fell into the "safety net" of this "white knighting" man, that turns out to be a bit of a gilded cage.

My son doesn’t know that my husband isn’t his biological father.

I think this is really your biggest problem. You should have told your child! You need to tell him and I'd start gently introducing the idea straight away and building on it as and when he asks questions. IME if you leave it any longer and then drop a bombshell as he's entering teenage years you'll likely have a tearaway on your hands.

You haven't been married for long. Your child is not your husbands child. You will not be able to claim cms for him. Or did he adopt him?

I doubt you would receive much from your husbands inheritance.

They've been married over five years so "short marriage" wouldn't apply. And the two years living together beforehand would be taken into account, so she probably would have a good claim on the marital assets.

You're not evil, because you're asking.

Legally, you will be entitled to part of his assets.
Has he adopted your son? If so, you'll be entitled to more and also maintenance.

Morally, however. You should give him a clean break. You came into this marriage with nothing, he's carried you and your child along for a number of years.

Although this would be the dissolving of a marriage, treat it as moving on from a friend who had given you a hand.

Many, many, people raise a child on minimum wage. I've done it. It's not impossible, and it's not poverty.
You're in a position where you won't be ripping him away from a school full of friends, but will be introducing him to one.

Firstly, I think you need to talk to your husband and both sit down with your son and tell him about his biological father. And answer any questions he has and give him the opportunity to get to know him. And reassure him that your husband is also his father and that will never change.

Secondly, I don't think you used your husband. You were vulnerable and someone looked after you and you fell in love with his loving personality. But maybe it didnt develop into real passion or maybe your feelings changed. People are allowed that. But just because he is a lovely person doesn't mean that you can be in love with them forever.

But maybe what you both need is to get a life outside of each other so you bring fresh stuff into the relationship. I would get a job, even if it is low wage - it's a start and see if that makes any difference.

[quote Umbrellaonthebeach]@QueefBee

I hadn’t thought of it that I was deceiving my child. In every way that matters my husband IS his father. I guess we’ll need to tell him one day, but it’s never seemed the right time.[/quote]
WTAF

You have deceived your son
Grossly deceived him on an epic scale

I cannot believe you've been lying to your son for the last eight years, basically his whole life, and it's never occurred to you that this is deceit.

You need to get some therapy, you're showing a great deal of really disordered thinking about this whole situation and it sounds like you e never realy taken any real agency or responsibility for yourself or your child. It's time to start. Get a therapist, do an access course for GCSE maths and english, get a job, put your child in school, and start building your own life. You should do this even if you don't leave your husband.

I can't believe you're actually considering taking some of this man's inheritance. That his parents left him? It is absolutely fine to walk away with half of what was gained through the relationship through work and earnings, but how you can think it is okay to do this?..... You may have your excuses for using this man, but they don't make it right.

@Ohalrightthen

So you’d have told him when he was two?

I know he has to be told one day, but his biological father is horribly abusive and drove me to the point of considering suicide. I have not seen him for more than 8 years, and the last I heard, from a friend, was that he was serving time for assault. I’m still scared of that man now, years later.

Sounds like the plot of a Catherine Cookson book.