Evil for leaving

[Umbrellaonthebeach]

Hello,

I’m in my thirties and have been married for 6 years, and with my husband for 2 years before that. I have a 9 year old son from my previous relationship. My son doesn’t know that my husband isn’t his biological father.

I knew my husband from school, but we were only ever friends. He was always a bit in awe of me, but I wasn’t interested back then. We stayed in touch after leaving school because we both belonged to the same church.

My previous relationship was very intense and passionate, but also physically abusive. This led me to being suicidal. To cut a long story short, I turned to my now-husband for help, and he talked me out of killing myself, and paid my boyfriend a lot of money to leave me alone, and leave the area.

I had nowhere to go with my son, and so he let me stay with him for free (in our own rooms).

He never tried anything with me (although was obviously in love with me), but I think his almost heroic actions and my intense gratitude made me want him, and after a few months living with him I basically threw myself at him, and we started a relationship. After about a year, he asked me to marry him, and although I was already having some doubts, I said yes.

Now, I’ve realised that I don’t really love him “like that”, but as a friend only. I don’t enjoy sex with him, because I’m just not interested in him like that.

So I’m thinking of leaving, but I feel awful about it.

Neither of us work. I home school my son full time, and my husband volunteers for various causes, unpaid. He inherited (before we got together) enough money from his parents that he never has to work, as long as he’s sensible with money.

I don’t have any qualifications, so if I work it would be minimum wage. If I leave, I’d feel awful about taking any of my husbands money or assets, because he’s basically saved my life, housed me and my son, and I’d be repaying him by taking some of his inheritance away, which would then require him to work when he didn’t need to before. On the other hand, I don’t want my son to live in relative poverty.

I feel really evil for even thinking of leaving, and totally evil for thinking of taking anything from my husband in a divorce.

If I leave, I’d feel awful about taking any of my husbands money or assets, because he’s basically saved my life, housed me and my son, and I’d be repaying him by taking some of his inheritance away, which would then require him to work when he didn’t need to before. On the other hand, I don’t want my son to live in relative poverty.

How would you feel if someone did that to your son when he was older? You are allowed to leave and it is not evil to do so....but it is very grabby to try to take some of his assets/money.
While you need to make a life for your son you should learn to stand on your own two feet.
Your husband will also need to build a new life for himself don't forget. This is not just about you.

I agree with what a pp said Although this would be the dissolving of a marriage, treat it as moving on from a friend who had given you a hand.

You should claim nothing of your husband's money. But given the way you are talking and your disdain for a minimum wage job, I have a feeling you would happily walk away with some of his money.

You leave amicably, don't take his money and get a job and get some qualifications at the same time, evening courses etc. Or a job where you train whilst earning and they will often include maths and english certificates. It's a start anyway.

Whether your son is told that this man isn't his dad is something to discuss with your husband. He may not want to be so involved after you split. Either way stop dodging and tell you son teh truth. The older he gets, the worse it will be to find out

What makes you think you can help yourself to his cash? Wow

You have been incredibly foolish OP. My God what a mess.

My husband has essentially been the only father my eldest has ever known, however she has always known he isn't her biological father, and the thought of having to tell her at the age of nine is actually making my toes curl. My DD was old enough and smart enough at that age to feel extremely betrayed and lied to at such information.

You've really fucked up on that one tbh, you need to tell your son ASAP

As for the rest of it, well goodness me. How convenient that the man you accidentally married was rich, I suppose. I wonder would you have been so confused over your own feelings on the matter if he didn't have a house and money.

If you leave him, you are going to have to put your son in school and get a job. You've had an easy life so far OP- two parents at home to share the care of one nine year old, and plenty of money. With no GCSEs, you're unlikely to earn much,and I'm assuming you'll get no child maintenance.

I usually roll my eyes a bit when people go on about children coping with a drop in lifestyle after divorce, but a homeschooled boy not so far from puberty, finding out his dad isn't his dad, starting school after being homeschooled for years, mum having to be out of the house working....

As well as that, your poor bloody husband. Paying off your horrible ex, paying for you and your child for years, and now you've realised you don't fancy him and you're wanting to take his inheritance away from him- what exactly did you bring to the marriage again?

Bloody hell OP, I'm just gobsmacked. Perhaps it's because I've been in your position myself, but your behaviour and attitude has really shocked me.

Such a shame your husband wasn't a street cleaner with a spare room in his council flat. I feel that if that was the case, you could have neatly avoided all of this

Like other posters I’m shocked your son thinks your ex is his dad. While it’s not the same, one of my cousins is adopted, and she’s known that fact forever. My aunt would call her Mummy’s special gift and explained it to her in child friendly ways - knowing this never impacted my cousin negatively.

If you’re not happy with your current guy you can leave. You shouldn’t stay if you don’t want to, you don’t need a reason. If you feel guilty about his assets then you can forfeit them surely, maybe get a job for now so you can start building up your savings?

As others have said you don’t come across well. It’s time you got a job and started studying yourself. I would not want someone without GCSEs teaching my child so I am afraid I do think home schooling isn’t in his best interests.

It sounds like you have a very comfortable life that you don’t want to come out and I think you need to. There are some free online courses that are gcse level from a website called vision 2 learn and you get a recognised qualification from them. It’s not courses in maths, geography etc but I think there are quite a few to choose from including IT skills.

I managed to do two whilst working full time so they might give you a baby step to a new life.

I definitely would not take any money from your husband if you split, I think it would be morally abhorrent to me. I also wouldn’t tell him that I never really loved him as I think that would be unfair. He sounds like a good man and if I were you I would see if you could create a spark between you.

So you do know what you need to do, you need to tell your son the truth? You need to tell your husband you had doubts even at the point of marriage and you hope he doesn't tell you to get out straight away! Then need to get a job, any job and stand on your own two feet, then start taking distance learning courses to get at least basic qualifications that allow you into vocational training courses - the job centre can help with this kind of advice, and possibly fund courses. Obviously you need to enroll your son in school starting in January, hopefully your husband will want to remain in his life perhaps to do after school care for you as he doesn't work.

All this said, are you sure about this, how about trying relationship counselling - long term relationships can become stale without trying.

@Dashel makes a really good point. Maybe thinking about traditional schooling for secondary because your son will soon move on to a level that is beyond your education if you don’t have GCSEs

wow, youre not a nice person at all. this man has paid for you and your sons lives. he has allowed you to not work and enjoy your sons childhood and bring him up how you want to. to walk away is fine but to actually consider taking some of his money " On the other hand, I don’t want my son to live in relative poverty.". Its not your sons money. nor yours. do you not think youve taken enough?

Wow your poor son, how hurt he will be that you lied to him! Don’t leave it to late to gently explain where he comes from or he will resent you . As for your marriage situation I’ve noticed you are skirting around posters questions regarding it, I’d say be honest with your husband don’t keep dragging him along and have some decency leave his inheritance. you have benefited quite enough op , What is the female equivalent to a cocklodger?

In the kindest way I think the last thing you and your dh should be doing is homeschooling your son. You seem to all live in a very false bubble and its disturbing that you haven't even considered how his parenthood might have affect him in the future.
You need to put your son in school and get back to the real world. First seek counselling and then also work on what you intend doing as a career.
This whole scenario is disturbing.

There's no reason your son needs to live in "relative poverty". Most people work and provide fine for their children, without marrying someone rich and allowing them to provide for you. I'm sorry op - but what you have done is awful. You've lied to your son. You've chosen the life you want over what is best for him. You've used a man who was outrageously in love with you, to your advantage. And now that you have everything, you're considering leaving him high and dry, and taking his money to boot??
It's not your money. It's not your sons money. You've contributed NOTHING to the home, or the marriage.
Get a job - doesn't need to be anything fancy! Pay your way. Get your own home. Put your son in mainstream school. Leave your poor husband with the chance to meet someone who loves him for something other than money and shelter. DO NOT even consider taking anything more from this man, you've taken more than enough over the years.
And most importantly - tell your son the truth, step up and be a parent.

@category12
Hang on, hang on, her husband has willingly chosen this lifestyle with op and chose to "rescue" & support her. He has equally had the benefits of being in a relationship and there's no reason to devalue op's contribution to the marriage. Presumably they have been a team up until now, and him bringing the material assets doesn't mean he has been used.

You need to read the OP. The Husband indeed helped the op, but it was she who instigated the relationship not him. He must assume that she loves him, and not because she is either thankful for his help and wants to keep the lifestyle she has.

Oh come on, she may not have contributed financially but it's a bit rough to claim she gave "nothing" to the marriage or home-life they have together. He was happy enough in their relationship to want to marry her and for them to have this lifestyle together.

She made those choices because she was vulnerable with a tiny baby, and while I agree she needs to start supporting herself, there's no need to be so brutal. She was quite young when she had her son with her abusive partner, had left education with no qualifications and it seems had no supportive family she could turn to for help instead of her now-husband. What she needs is the self belief to start over and stand on her own two feet, not a bollocking.

Thank you to those of you who have pointed out the problem of my son not knowing his parenthood. It hadn’t occurred to either me or my husband that this could be an issue.

This is the most baffling thing I have ever ever was on mumsnet.

You and your husband seem to be devoid of insight, thought indeed just plain intelligence for this never to have occurred to you. On a phenomenal scale.

Honestly I feel despite her post and most of the comments here, the OP will be taking her poor Husband to the cleaners.
She has been with him for eight years, and despite knowing she didn't love him, has done absolutely nothing to better her situation for leaving him. She has a certain lifestyle and I have no doubt she will expect him to pay for it.
This man has stood by, supported and cared for you and your son, from your lowest point till now. He has loved you and acted honourable throughout your relationship.
Whether you meant it or not ( and from your post it seems you always knew you never loved him) you have used him for what he brings and the lifestyle he has given you.
I would say the least you for all he has done is treat him with the slightest respect.
Those people are saying you are not evil are only correct if you do behave as honorably as he has done.

@category12

He was happy to marry her because I assume he felt she loved him, and not because he knew she was using him as a meal ticket.
I have no qualms with her wanting to leave or realising that she doesn't love him,
My problem is that despite him always loving supporting and caring for the OP and never pressuring her, and her knowing she has never loved him and was only with him because of the situation she was in, she now feels she can throw it all in his face by claiming his inheritance off him. Sorry that is a brutal action and deserves to be told it is bluntly.

Abusive relationships come in many forms, OP, and while it is clear that in your previous relationship you were the victim, it’s equally clear that in this relationship you are the abuser and your poor husband is the victim.

You have ruthlessly and cynically exploited his good nature for many years. The very least you owe him is a clean break, taking none of his money and a proper apology for the appalling way you have treated a man whose only mistake was to love the wrong person.

He deserves better. Poor bloke.

But she isn't stripping him of his assets - she's on here feeling guilty and evil for considering leaving, and worse about the potential of divorce settlement. She hasn't done anything yet. Giving her a kicking and effectively telling her she's a bad person when she made those choices at a vulnerable time in her life isn't compassionate.

I can understand you turning to a friend after leaving an abusive relationship.

I can even understand you "confusing" your feelings for him in the early part of your relationship.

Where I lose sympathy is the point at which you chose to marry a man you knew you didn't love.

You've then spent the next 6 years lying to your husband and worst of all, lying to your son.

I simply can't fathom how you could possibly think that your son didn't have a right to know about his parentage.

What I see is someone whose consistently taken the path that best serves their own interests irrespective of the collateral damage to those you are supposed to care for.

In that regard I don't suppose you'll change now and act honourably towards your DH by divorcing him without taking his money.

You've had years and years to address these issues (get training/sit exams/get a job) but you've chosen not to because it suits you to homeschool (look at all your posts on why HS and it's all about because you enjoy it - nothing about why it's the best choice for your son).

I don't think you're evil, but I do think you're selfish, manipulative and morally bankrupt.

@category12
I think the OP is getting the responses she is getting due to her posts on a whole...such as saying she never even considered that there might be an issue with her son not knowing the truth about his father.

There's a lot of mental gymnastics going on and I think that posters are trying to get through to her.

As for bringing nothing to the marriage...Generally isn't a financial settlement supposed to reflect that perhaps the wife had given up her career to raise the children allowing her husband to be able to earn more by taking care of childcare responsibilities....or in the sake of childless couples isn't the idea behind it that perhaps the wife didn't work or worked less hours which then meant he could enjoy a stable home life with a housewife at home and all the support that might have allowed him to go out and earn the money.

The man in this situation does not work...and nothing about the OP living there enabled him to earn more or enabled him to have greater success in his career or so on because he is living off his inheritance...so it doesn't seem like she brought anything to the marriage in terms of allowing the money to accumulate so in this case I don't think that she should be due any of his inheritance.

What is truly wicked is lying to your son like that. I found out my mother had lied when I was 57 and decided to do ancestry DNA for fun only to find out I have a brother out there and a real father who doesn't want to know me.
I am furious and I will never trust my mother again not ever. Our relationship is ruined.

@category12

But she isn't stripping him of his assets - she's on here feeling guilty and evil for considering leaving, and worse about the potential of divorce settlement. She hasn't done anything yet. Giving her a kicking and effectively telling her she's a bad person when she made those choices at a vulnerable time in her life isn't compassionate.

Other than entering into a sexual relationship with her DH she didn't make choices at a vulnerable time though did she?

She married her DH despite having "doubts" 2 years after leaving an abusive relationship.

Since then she's spent a further 6 years lying to her DH and her DS and doing nothing to facilitate her financial independence because she likes home schooling (note the lack of any comment about why it's the best option for her son).

You can't live your entire life expecting that bad experiences mitigate you from the responsibility of behaving badly to others.

Oh and the fact she hasn't done anything yet (well apart from lie to her DH and DS ) isn't relevant.

The fact she's even considering taking his money is a reflection of her attitude and character.

I think she's posted here thinking all us "mum's" will say in female solidarity "aww don't feel guilty!! You need to do what's best for you. Take his money and go get yourself a nice life hon ".