Evil for leaving

[Umbrellaonthebeach]

Hello,

I’m in my thirties and have been married for 6 years, and with my husband for 2 years before that. I have a 9 year old son from my previous relationship. My son doesn’t know that my husband isn’t his biological father.

I knew my husband from school, but we were only ever friends. He was always a bit in awe of me, but I wasn’t interested back then. We stayed in touch after leaving school because we both belonged to the same church.

My previous relationship was very intense and passionate, but also physically abusive. This led me to being suicidal. To cut a long story short, I turned to my now-husband for help, and he talked me out of killing myself, and paid my boyfriend a lot of money to leave me alone, and leave the area.

I had nowhere to go with my son, and so he let me stay with him for free (in our own rooms).

He never tried anything with me (although was obviously in love with me), but I think his almost heroic actions and my intense gratitude made me want him, and after a few months living with him I basically threw myself at him, and we started a relationship. After about a year, he asked me to marry him, and although I was already having some doubts, I said yes.

Now, I’ve realised that I don’t really love him “like that”, but as a friend only. I don’t enjoy sex with him, because I’m just not interested in him like that.

So I’m thinking of leaving, but I feel awful about it.

Neither of us work. I home school my son full time, and my husband volunteers for various causes, unpaid. He inherited (before we got together) enough money from his parents that he never has to work, as long as he’s sensible with money.

I don’t have any qualifications, so if I work it would be minimum wage. If I leave, I’d feel awful about taking any of my husbands money or assets, because he’s basically saved my life, housed me and my son, and I’d be repaying him by taking some of his inheritance away, which would then require him to work when he didn’t need to before. On the other hand, I don’t want my son to live in relative poverty.

I feel really evil for even thinking of leaving, and totally evil for thinking of taking anything from my husband in a divorce.

[quote Umbrellaonthebeach]@Ohalrightthen

So you’d have told him when he was two?

I know he has to be told one day, but his biological father is horribly abusive and drove me to the point of considering suicide. I have not seen him for more than 8 years, and the last I heard, from a friend, was that he was serving time for assault. I’m still scared of that man now, years later.[/quote]
I would have raised him knowing the truth. I'm adopted and I always knew, there wasn't a big sit down at a certain age because it was always something open. Thank goodness, because it would have been upsetting to find out at a later age.

My parents explained from the start that they couldn't have a baby the way most people do and looked ever so hard to find the baby that was meant for them and eventually they found me and when they took me home they knew I would be theirs forever etc. Child friendly but the truth.

Re his inheritance, you aren't going to be forced to take 50% so you don't have to do that, as you (like most people) can appreciate that would be really unfair especially as it sounds like you've never really felt how your husband does.

There's a huge spectrum between taking him to the cleaners and living in "relative poverty". You could agree an amount of money and CMS payments (assuming he has legally adopted your son?) and work yourself to earn independently too.

[quote Umbrellaonthebeach]@Ohalrightthen

So you’d have told him when he was two?

I know he has to be told one day, but his biological father is horribly abusive and drove me to the point of considering suicide. I have not seen him for more than 8 years, and the last I heard, from a friend, was that he was serving time for assault. I’m still scared of that man now, years later.[/quote]
Yes!
It should have been part of his life story from year dot that your husband isn't his biological father.
You need to tell him immediately.

I think you need to access counselling and have a long look at yourself. Your post stinks of you thinking very highly of yourself and that your husband is beneath you. How unpleasant and unkind. You happily use his time and money to facilitate you and your son living the lifestyle you want and lying to your child. Its a shame if his dad isn't the person you would choose your DC to have as a father now but is it really fair to not have told him the truth. I think you need to really examine why you have done that. Your DH sounds like a decent guy so unless he's actually awful and abusive then work on your marriage and your connection to your DH. Sparks can fade and take work. I would think long and hard before leaving unless you have worked a lot on yourself first and still feel the same.

And stop sleeping with him. It's cruel to have a sex life that makes you cringe with someone who doesn't know you feel that way and loves you. I would be so upset if someone left me and I found out through our discussions that for a long time they were having sex with me out of guilt or obligation.

I second the idea of counselling and also doing some research (there may be family counsellors who can help) on the way to tell your son his dad isn't his biological dad but loves him just as much as he would if he was. There will be guidance on how to do this in a way that has the least negative impact on the child's mental health I'm sure.

Is his bio-dad actually on the birth certificate? If not then happy days. If he is then he's still got to find you and he's probably busy making someone else's life a misery now.

Yes, your situation is not ideal, but the sooner you start the sooner it will improve. Get the lad in school, get a job, start studying for qualifications, leave your husband. You don't have to take any of his money you know, and you can arrange for your DS and exDH to see each other regularly if it makes DS happy.

In 5 years' time you could be in a much better place, and you have your health, you can read and write, you've got that homeschooling experience, you're articulate - you do have something to start with.

Your husband deserves to have a wife who loves him. You deserve a husband who you love. Your DS deserves good role models. Don't let this situation drag on...

Use this time to get yourself right. Therapy for the things you've been through. Go to school and learn a skill to be self sufficient.

You may find that you feel differently about your DH, after you've sorted your own issues out.

[quote Umbrellaonthebeach]@Ohalrightthen

So you’d have told him when he was two?

I know he has to be told one day, but his biological father is horribly abusive and drove me to the point of considering suicide. I have not seen him for more than 8 years, and the last I heard, from a friend, was that he was serving time for assault. I’m still scared of that man now, years later.[/quote]
Yes, i would have told him from the very beginning. If you use age-appropriate language from an early age, the child grows up with a proper, truthful understanding of their circumstances and there is no "big reveal" which inevitably leads to feelings of mistrust and betrayal, and usually a fair amount of damage to the relationships in question.

In every way that matters he is his father Except for legally and biologically? FM.

Although you left school without GCSEs, you must have picked up a lot and feel well-educated if you've taken responsibility for your son's education. Definitely stop thinking that a minimum wage job is the only choice.
Study or train for something you are interested in now.
Morally, I agree that your DH already provided for you, kept you and your son and paid your ex off. The last thing you should do in good conscience is take more.
Plan for a life alone, where you support your child. Like everyone else on here, I'm shocked that you've kept it secret about his biological father. Telling him doesn't bring your ex into your life. It's likely your son will feel incredibly deceived and struggle to trust you, or other people, if you don't tell him.

@Umbrellaonthebeach I don’t think it needed telling to a 2 year old, you just always call your partner/husband by his name and get your son to do so too, not dad but his name. The way most step parents do.

Then if your son asked where his dad is at an older age you explain he’s no longer around.

I also disagree with you taking this mans money just because you legally can.

I don't think you have been evil so far but I do think you are trying to justify a course of action that would tip the balance.

I get that you were scared and traumatised after an abusive relationship,I get that at the time you thought you were doing the right thing. Whilst I don't necessarily agree with your actions it doesn't sound like you were being deliberately self serving.

Taking your dh money now would be.

The reality is homeschooling in this case is a privilege,one that was part of your marriage. Lots of people have to start again. You can be as spiffy as you like about minimum wage but you actually aren't earning anything currently are you?

You are flapping about pulling the poor me aspect. If you want to leave fair enough but it comes with the fact you will have to get off of your backside and step up. There are lots of ways you can get the qualifications whilst working, there are lots of ways you can stand on your own two feet. No , not all of them are easy and simple.

To try to take his inheritance is unconscionable. You don't have no other option, you just don't want to wait and work for it. I've had times I have had lots of money I have had times when I am on the bread line. You will be amazed at the confidence and wherewithal it gives you to know that you kept your DC safe and housed and looked after ,purely off of your own back.

You can look down at minimum wage , on people struggling but they have more respect from me and most people I know that they get up every morning and keep trying. Keep bloody doing it.

So no I don't think you are evil , yet, but I do think the decisions you make now will tell you whether you are the person you want to be or not.

Leave. You are using him. You don't deserve him.

Totally agree with @CrotchBurn

So leave if you want to, but at least have the good grace not to take your husband to the cleaners, you need to leave his inheritance intact.

You should be leaving, finding a job and supporting yourself, and unless your husband has formally adopted your son you should not claim any CM from him, it’s up to YOU to make sure that ‘your son doesn’t live in relative poverty’

You also need to tell your son about his biological father, something you have had the opportunity to do for the last 8 years

I must admit to having little sympathy for you

You need to tell your son the truth and leave. I split up from my DS's dad when he was 6 months old and he knows the truth so I don't get this "because he was only 2 thing". You chose not to tell him.

I have friends who were adopted that always knew that so it didn't come as a big shock later on and if they had any health problems they knew where to start.

Your DH might decide to cut his losses completely once you've left but that 's the chance you take.

Your son needs to be in school and you need to get a job even if it's minimum wage.

I understand how scared you were but this has been going on for so long it is just cruel now.

As others are saying the biggest issue here is that your son doesn't know his parentage. He should have known from a young age, when he wouldn't have fully understood and it wouldn't be a shock. He should know asap, and hopefully it won't scar him too much.

As for your marriage, you have fallen into a relationship with someone who you felt saved you, You can't stay with him if you don't love him, and need to find a way to support yourself and your dc.

Thank you to those of you who have pointed out the problem of my son not knowing his parenthood. It hadn’t occurred to either me or my husband that this could be an issue.

My husband was delighted, right from the start, at being called “daddy” (I should add that he isn’t able to have children himself) by my son, and his enthusiasm for parenting my child combined with my wish to push my ex as far away from us all as possible, has meant that we haven’t really even considered the fact that it might matter to my son, since for both of us, we are his only real parents.

Since people have posted about this here I’ve gone away and done a lot of reading about it online, and the general wisdom does seem to be to tell the child as early as they could understand the concept. I feel really bad about it, but I genuinely hadn’t considered the harm.

So I’m going to talk to my husband about this and sort it out as soon as possible.

Thank you again.

Has he legally adopted your son?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

No, he’s never legally adopted him - as far as my husband is concerned he’d been the father from pretty much the start. I don’t think it has really occurred to either of us. I guess maybe if we’d sent him to school it might have come up when putting down legal guardian etc, but because we’ve home schooled it’s just never really come up.

I’m really glad you’re going to tell your son. Family secrets that come out later are awful. Makes you feel like your whole life has been a lie.

I am genuinely shocked that it did not occur to you that your son has a right to know who is and also who isn’t his parent. You must know that people generally know this, regardless of home schooling.

I don’t think evil is the right word, but you are doing very wrong to these two people in your life and need to start putting things right. You do not have to take his inheritance even if you are entitled to some of it. Perhaps doing the decent thing and walking away will go some way towards making amends for your past using.

[quote Umbrellaonthebeach]@youvegottenminuteslynn

No, he’s never legally adopted him - as far as my husband is concerned he’d been the father from pretty much the start. I don’t think it has really occurred to either of us. I guess maybe if we’d sent him to school it might have come up when putting down legal guardian etc, but because we’ve home schooled it’s just never really come up.[/quote]
You need to address this as soon as possible legally.

I'm adopted (don't know either of my birth parents) and as I said upthread I was brought up always knowing it.

If he is not legally his father then it changes everything if you split up. Not just because of money / financial obligation but parental responsibility. If he was his legal father, he would be able to take him on holiday, make decisions about his care etc. Things I assume you would want him to continue to have rights about as it sounds like you feel he's a great dad.

If your now husband was to pass away after you're divorced, you won't be his next of kin and therefore can't expect to automatically be able to receive anything from his death that you can pass on to your son.

You have massively dropped the ball here and I'm shocked at your naïveté and the fact neither of you have thought this is a big deal.

Nobody is saying your partner isn't every bit as much his dad as a biological dad when it comes to how much he loves him. But legally, financially and societally he doest currently have the rights a biological dad does.

Please book an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options re adoption.

And an appointment with a counsellor to learn more about how to approach this with your son to ensure his mental well-being.

Perhaps doing the decent thing and walking away will go some way towards making amends for your past using
Hang on, hang on, her husband has willingly chosen this lifestyle with op and chose to "rescue" & support her. He has equally had the benefits of being in a relationship and there's no reason to devalue op's contribution to the marriage. Presumably they have been a team up until now, and him bringing the material assets doesn't mean he has been used.

It hadn’t occurred to either me or my husband that this could be an issue.

OP, you sound like you go through your whole life doing what you need to do to make sure you are okay, with little consequence of how it affects others. I cannot believe you haven't even considered the issue of your child parentage and how that information would be shared. You threw yourself at your husband and got married to him when you had doubts because you saw the financial benefits he brought to you and your son.

I don't think the word evil is right, but you are certainly selfish and self centred. And you obviously feel as you are more attractive than your husband (you allude to this), that you are more of a catch. You aren't. At all.