Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Evil for leaving

121 replies

Umbrellaonthebeach · 09/12/2020 06:10

Hello,

I’m in my thirties and have been married for 6 years, and with my husband for 2 years before that. I have a 9 year old son from my previous relationship. My son doesn’t know that my husband isn’t his biological father.

I knew my husband from school, but we were only ever friends. He was always a bit in awe of me, but I wasn’t interested back then. We stayed in touch after leaving school because we both belonged to the same church.

My previous relationship was very intense and passionate, but also physically abusive. This led me to being suicidal. To cut a long story short, I turned to my now-husband for help, and he talked me out of killing myself, and paid my boyfriend a lot of money to leave me alone, and leave the area.

I had nowhere to go with my son, and so he let me stay with him for free (in our own rooms).

He never tried anything with me (although was obviously in love with me), but I think his almost heroic actions and my intense gratitude made me want him, and after a few months living with him I basically threw myself at him, and we started a relationship. After about a year, he asked me to marry him, and although I was already having some doubts, I said yes.

Now, I’ve realised that I don’t really love him “like that”, but as a friend only. I don’t enjoy sex with him, because I’m just not interested in him like that.

So I’m thinking of leaving, but I feel awful about it.

Neither of us work. I home school my son full time, and my husband volunteers for various causes, unpaid. He inherited (before we got together) enough money from his parents that he never has to work, as long as he’s sensible with money.

I don’t have any qualifications, so if I work it would be minimum wage. If I leave, I’d feel awful about taking any of my husbands money or assets, because he’s basically saved my life, housed me and my son, and I’d be repaying him by taking some of his inheritance away, which would then require him to work when he didn’t need to before. On the other hand, I don’t want my son to live in relative poverty.

I feel really evil for even thinking of leaving, and totally evil for thinking of taking anything from my husband in a divorce.

OP posts:
simone1863 · 09/12/2020 13:49

Category12 there coming along to prove that there will always be a way on Mumsnet to find a way to blame a man even if it means handing a six figure sum to a woman who has no intention of getting a job Hmm

category12 · 09/12/2020 14:02

@simone1863

Category12 there coming along to prove that there will always be a way on Mumsnet to find a way to blame a man even if it means handing a six figure sum to a woman who has no intention of getting a job Hmm
I have done no such thing. I am not advocating she take his assets and earlier in the thread suggested she retrain and find work. But it's unfair to cast her as a user, when he has had as much part in creating their situation as she has, and to imply that material assets are all that have value in a relationship.
Bibidy · 09/12/2020 14:09

I think it's the right thing to leave if you don't love him but you shouldn't take his money when you know you should never have married him in the first place. Not to mention that it's not like it's joint savings, it's his inheritance.

I think you need to start preparing, get yourself a job and get your son in school. I really think it would be hugely unfair for you to take your husband's income to support you and your son.

bibliomania · 09/12/2020 14:12

I do think you need to grow up, take responsibility and get a job. If you don't love you husband, then leave. And yes, it would be massively shitty to claim a share of his inheritance.

nitsandwormsdodger · 09/12/2020 14:12

Why are you not working ? That's weird
Why both at home ??
Why home school without need???

Why lie to your son ?
All of this is weird

Cavagirl · 09/12/2020 14:17

@youvegottenminuteslynn I understand what you mean re. the husband's rights to continue acting as a father & adoption.
But I'd say the OP needs to make her decision about staying in the marriage or not first.
It's otherwise pretty shoddy IMO if OP suggests he adopts the son & the husband agrees believing he's happily married, then once the ink's dry she divorces him and files for CMS.... the husband should know where he stands first.

DryRoastPeanut · 09/12/2020 14:17

You need to walk away. Your poor husband deserves the chance of happiness with someone that loves him and wants to be with him.

You’ve used your husband to escape a nasty situation, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your own chance of happiness. Send your son to school, get a job and leave your husband and his money.

I’m not saying life will better, it probably won’t when you’re alone every evening from your sons bedtime, when money is tight and up everything falls on you or when you’re poorly and your son still needs you to take care of him, but you’re using your husband right now. He deserves better than you are offering.

1forAll74 · 09/12/2020 14:17

After all the conversations regarding the young son here etc, is the Husband in question, aware that the OP wants to leave him, and all that this will entail.?

nitsandwormsdodger · 09/12/2020 14:19

Your son needs to know his TRUE medical history he will be asked " is there any in your family ?"
This stuff is important
My son is 9 and knows he was conceived with donor sperm

If you want to use your husband a bit more a bit more on d get a degree ( via access course for mature students ) boy adopted , them leave

FrangipaniBlue · 09/12/2020 14:24

I could be your son in 30 years time.

I was always told I had a biological father and my "dad" was just that in all but DNA.

It made no difference to me but what would have is being lied to and deceived.

I'm with the first poster, I think you need to stay put for now but I'd advise putting your son in school retraining and getting a job while he is in secondary and THEN think about leaving when you are in a position to support yourself and your son is old enough to comprehend the shitstorm you've created!

Original poster
Umbrellaonthebeach · 09/12/2020 14:24

@nitsandwormsdodger

My husband is at home quite a lot (and contributes to childcare and homeschooling as a result), but mostly volunteers, mostly at home and sometimes abroad (because he doesn’t need to work and has made a decision to use his inheritance to allow him to volunteer for good causes while living comfortably but modestly).

I’m at home because homeschooling looked really interesting, and has a number of advantages. It’s obviously fairly unusual, but not as uncommon as you might think - there are a wide variety of resources, support groups and organisations, as well as social groups so that the home schooled children interact with other children.

I understand that I might have to actually send him to school if I leave, but I don’t think my choice to home school is especially weird.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 09/12/2020 14:24

I also think the OP's husband deserves a conversation at least before the OP makes any drastic decisions. It sounds as if he has made them the centre of his life and invested heavily in the relationship. He will be devastated and deserves to be treated with more respect than a sudden moonlight flit situation. Assuming that the OP feels she and her son are safe while discussing this.

User9051310478 · 09/12/2020 14:25

I'm not sure up to this point you've really done anything wrong here about the relationship. (ignoring the question of your son knowing his parentage)

You went through a fairly awful situation. Your husband initially 'rescued' you, sure - but he's an adult and chose to do that. You spent some time to think about it and began a relationship with him. Thinking things were working, you married him, genuinely intending that to be for life. At worst, your judgement might have been imperfect, but we're all human.

You might never have loved him as much as he loved you? So what? - this isn't a disney film. People don't have to be perfectly matched to give it a go together.

It does sound like you'd be better learning to stand on your own two feet. Access course / job / apprenticeship / whatever. But do you really have to jump out of this stable relationship first? Kid can go to school, or Dad can take over most of the home-schooling.

Find your feet, then start to consider whether you can give this marriage a proper go or not. You might, you might not. He might turn back into a good friend / co-parent. You might decide you still like him more than that.

You don't need to rip everything apart in one go.

If you can get some qualifications and income, your options become much better. Also, HIS options become better once you can do that, because you don't need to try and screw him over. You would not be 'tricking' him. Just looking after yourself, your child, and (maybe indirectly) him.

Or if you really don't want to shag him anymore, have an honest conversation with him.

FrangipaniBlue · 09/12/2020 14:28

Also do an advance search on my and have a read of the threat I started earlier this year when my "dad" passed away.

Please FGS don't put your son in my situation!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 14:31

[quote Cavagirl]@youvegottenminuteslynn I understand what you mean re. the husband's rights to continue acting as a father & adoption.
But I'd say the OP needs to make her decision about staying in the marriage or not first.
It's otherwise pretty shoddy IMO if OP suggests he adopts the son & the husband agrees believing he's happily married, then once the ink's dry she divorces him and files for CMS.... the husband should know where he stands first.[/quote]
Yes agree it all needs to be decisions openly discussed between OP and her husband now, it's the only fair way.

ExclamationPerfume · 09/12/2020 14:36

Your son needs to know who his father is. You have lied to him.

2bazookas · 09/12/2020 14:58

There will never be a right time to tell your son the truth, but he deserves to know it, the sooner the better.

The longer you wait the bigger the lie and the harder he will take it.

From DS POV, telling him now while he still has the company and support of a man he trusts, will be better for him. He can talk to his dad about the real feelings thay have for each other, what makes them father and son,etc.

If you  separate from  DH  that's going to be hard  enough for DS.But even harder if he THEN finds out you've been living a lie all his life,  He has lost TWO fathers, etc.

Just for once, do the right thing, for the sake of another person who deserves better than he's got from you.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 09/12/2020 14:59

Have you covered human reproduction in your homeschooling program yet ? That might be a good time to plant the seed of the idea that your son has a biological father who isn’t his dad. It could be part of a discussion about different kinds of families - basically egg+sperm = baby and most often egg is from mum and sperm from dad but some people have a biological mother who isn’t ´mum’ because adoption/donor eggs/same sex couple parenting and sometimes ´dad’ and ´biological father’ aren’t the same person for the same sorts of reasons.

beavisandbutthead · 09/12/2020 14:59

You may be married but your DS is not your DH biological DC and in a divorce wont factor in it. So you will likely find as your DH inheritance was there before you got together and married your entitled to none of it. I hope you has a good solicitor so he can ensure you get nothing. You sound truly awful, found a man who had money, took on your DS, you have been able to not work and enjoy a good life. Suddenly you realise you dont love him but dont want to be skint...... well get your self a job and tell him the truth

beavisandbutthead · 09/12/2020 15:00

typo above I meant to say 'I hope he has a good solicitor'

Anordinarymum · 09/12/2020 15:01

OP if you just confine the thread to the first paragraph it is more than enough to know you should have told your son something before now

Original poster
Umbrellaonthebeach · 09/12/2020 15:05

@Babyiskickingmyribs

That’s a really good suggestion, thanks. I think that would be a really good way to introduce the idea.

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 09/12/2020 15:06

I don't think you're evil for leaving but I do think you'd be incredibly unfair to seek a divorce settlement from your DH's inheritance.

From what you've written, you instigated the relationship and have chosen not to work or gain qualifications during your marriage. Your husband seems to been supportive of you and took your son on as his own.

If you had given up a career to be a SAHM and this was a joint decision made in the interest of your family things would be different... but it doesn't seem fair that he should face financial repercussions for supporting you whilst you chose to homeschool a child that isn't legally or biologically his.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.

user1481840227 · 09/12/2020 15:16

This sounds a bit like gone girl or something Confused.

I don't think you should try to take any of his money and I don't even know if you would be entitled to any if it is his inheritance.

Cannot understand for the life of me how you could say that you never realised your son not knowing his parenthood would be an issue. Sounds like there is a lot of mental gymnastics going on!

innercitysumo · 09/12/2020 15:23

Be honest - are you considering claiming some of the inheritance?