Evil for leaving

[Umbrellaonthebeach]

Hello,

I’m in my thirties and have been married for 6 years, and with my husband for 2 years before that. I have a 9 year old son from my previous relationship. My son doesn’t know that my husband isn’t his biological father.

I knew my husband from school, but we were only ever friends. He was always a bit in awe of me, but I wasn’t interested back then. We stayed in touch after leaving school because we both belonged to the same church.

My previous relationship was very intense and passionate, but also physically abusive. This led me to being suicidal. To cut a long story short, I turned to my now-husband for help, and he talked me out of killing myself, and paid my boyfriend a lot of money to leave me alone, and leave the area.

I had nowhere to go with my son, and so he let me stay with him for free (in our own rooms).

He never tried anything with me (although was obviously in love with me), but I think his almost heroic actions and my intense gratitude made me want him, and after a few months living with him I basically threw myself at him, and we started a relationship. After about a year, he asked me to marry him, and although I was already having some doubts, I said yes.

Now, I’ve realised that I don’t really love him “like that”, but as a friend only. I don’t enjoy sex with him, because I’m just not interested in him like that.

So I’m thinking of leaving, but I feel awful about it.

Neither of us work. I home school my son full time, and my husband volunteers for various causes, unpaid. He inherited (before we got together) enough money from his parents that he never has to work, as long as he’s sensible with money.

I don’t have any qualifications, so if I work it would be minimum wage. If I leave, I’d feel awful about taking any of my husbands money or assets, because he’s basically saved my life, housed me and my son, and I’d be repaying him by taking some of his inheritance away, which would then require him to work when he didn’t need to before. On the other hand, I don’t want my son to live in relative poverty.

I feel really evil for even thinking of leaving, and totally evil for thinking of taking anything from my husband in a divorce.

She went straight from her abuser to her husband's place as she had nowhere to go with a small baby. Pretty hard to pull out of a relationship you're having doubts about when you will again have nowhere to go. And lots of people have doubts before marriage - it's common, and common enough for people to ignore those doubts.

I feel like there is probably a big backstory to this, as OP was what 20/21 when she had a child with her abuser, had left education without any qualifications and apparently has no supportive family to help her.

She was anywhere between 21-30 when her son was born. It is unethical to offer the type of relationship she was offering when there were no genuine romantic feelings on her part. Almost fraudulent. And even if she was vulnerable at the time and made poor choices , this was EIGHT years ago, so why didn't she get a job , sort out herself and her finances? Why now is she saying ...."I don't want to take his money, but my son needs it". It is genuinely pathetic. She's not that victim anymore, and her husband deserves so much more than she has given him.

@category12

She went straight from her abuser to her husband's place as she had nowhere to go with a small baby. Pretty hard to pull out of a relationship you're having doubts about when you will again have nowhere to go. And lots of people have doubts before marriage - it's common, and common enough for people to ignore those doubts.

I feel like there is probably a big backstory to this, as OP was what 20/21 when she had a child with her abuser, had left education without any qualifications and apparently has no supportive family to help her.

What you've saying/suggesting might make her behaviour more understandable but it doesn't make it any more acceptable nor does it change what action she needs to take now.

@derigeurmortis I wasn't saying it does (and neither have I argued she should take his assets), it's just people calling her names and being pretty vile to her isn't constructive, in my opinion.

But then tbh arguing up and down this thread isn't helping much either.

@CrotchBurn

You're not evil, but you are a user.

You used your husband to get yourself out of the mess with your ex.

You used him to provide shelter when you didnt know where else to go.

You played on the fact that he had always admired you to secure yourself.

You used him to not have to provide your son with tricky answers to difficult questions.

You used his inheritance to not work.

You married him despite not fancying him.

Now you are actually considering tapping into his money as repayment.

You are free to leave and you should leave, because you never loved or fancied this man or saw him as anything other than a crutch to stop you having to come up with your own solutions.

It doesnt make you a bad person, but it does make you manipulative and self centred.

Put your child in school and get a job like everyone else does.

Bang on

It really is all about you - I can't believe you haven't even considered the position re telling your son - and you really can't take the mans inheritance with a clear conscience surely?

@CodenameVillanelle

It hadn’t occurred to either me or my husband that this could be an issue.

I know, I really can't believe that these issues have genuinely not been considered

Home schooling is a massive red flag. You haven't got qualifications of your own, so why do you think you can qualify your son. He is missing out on so much social interaction, so much independence building. To fill a void you have because your unemployed. Get him back to school before you destroy his secondary education. Use the time to educate yourself. Go back to college get your GCSEs. Show your son what a good role model is.

And as for his parentage you let him believe a lie because it was convenient for you and your new partner. If you died tomorrow your partner wouldn't automatically get any parental rights. You are leaving him on the edge of an emotional void. You need to as gently as possible broach this subject with him and take advice because this is going to change your relationship with your partner too.

You have made an awful lot of bad decisions in your own life and as a mother. You now need to reflect on this and make it right.

@category12

Perhaps doing the decent thing and walking away will go some way towards making amends for your past using Hang on, hang on, her husband has willingly chosen this lifestyle with op and chose to "rescue" & support her. He has equally had the benefits of being in a relationship and there's no reason to devalue op's contribution to the marriage. Presumably they have been a team up until now, and him bringing the material assets doesn't mean he has been used.

Rubbish! Op admitted that she threw herself at him, obviously thinks she's a cut above. He thinks he's in an equal living partnership poor sod, whereas she's used him for financial security.

Also I think you have spent this relationship taking from your partner. Taking his good will, his financial support, his care, his love, his resources. Maybe if you have back became an equal part of this relationship you may feel more fulfilled.

OP what happens if you (god forbid) pass away? Do you have a will saying you're husband is his guardian or have you really not even sorted that?

Leave if you’re unhappy, but it would be morally wrong to take any of your DH’s money.

Also, IMO it seems an odd decision to home school when you left school without GCSEs.

What a weird set up. You never finished school and yet feel qualified to home school your own child, you have been lying to your child his whole life, neither of you work or seem to ever plan to despite sounding quite young, your DH paid your ex to go away...

Maybe you took advantage of your husband, maybe he took advantage of you, but either way - if you don't love him then leave.

Get a job, support your child yourself and send him to bloody school! That's what the rest of us do and yes, we're not all lolling about relaxing with the fruits of our massive inheritances, but most people scrape by ok. You can too. Don't take your husbands money. If he wants to support the child (and it sounds like he would) then that's great, but learn to stand on your own two feet.

You had nothing and left a relationship with a baby then lied to your child about his real father.
You don't work but live off this kind man and now consider taking money from him fir you and your son ...not his son.
You gave lived off him for 8 years...plenty of time too gain qualifications to earn your own money.
You home school with no qualifications.
He asked if you live him...I imagine you tell him you do...you lie...you don't you use him.
You say he was in awe if you and you appeR to consider yourself above him...in reality you are indeed a user. Your morals now suggest you will probably take his money for you and your son, still using him.
How about you stand on your own feet, put son in school for an education and work not just take?

Spelling on phone sorry
To
Love not live
Etc etc

There is fault on both sides here.

You both should have considered telling your ds about hus paretage.

Who came up with the idea of homeschooling- if you don't have any qualifications why are you homeschooling?

It sounds like you and your son are quite isolated.

You could send your child to school and get your qualifications, get at least some work experience

I think you really need to talk things through with a professional. Telling your son that he’s adopted, his parents splitting up and being thrust into formal education is a lot to ask of anyone. Lay the foundations for gaining independence by first trying to get a job or gaining a qualification?

Please talk to a professional before pulling the pin on the grenade.

Another thing to think about is your pension. If you aren’t working are you getting your pension credits made? You need to have so many years worth to get a state pension and normally you get these through working. Not having a state pension let alone a private pension, to fall back on is worrying in the long term and making you more financially dependent.

You can't possibly home school your ds successfully if you don't even have GCSEs yourself.

It's time to be honest. With your ds and with your h.

You have plenty of time to get qualifications and a job.

@AgeLikeWine

Abusive relationships come in many forms, OP, and while it is clear that in your previous relationship you were the victim, it’s equally clear that in this relationship you are the abuser and your poor husband is the victim.
You have ruthlessly and cynically exploited his good nature for many years. The very least you owe him is a clean break, taking none of his money and a proper apology for the appalling way you have treated a man whose only mistake was to love the wrong person.
He deserves better. Poor bloke.

100% this

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@AgeLikeWine

Abusive relationships come in many forms, OP, and while it is clear that in your previous relationship you were the victim, it’s equally clear that in this relationship you are the abuser and your poor husband is the victim.
You have ruthlessly and cynically exploited his good nature for many years. The very least you owe him is a clean break, taking none of his money and a proper apology for the appalling way you have treated a man whose only mistake was to love the wrong person.
He deserves better. Poor bloke.

100% this[/quote]
Put perfectly

I don't think you have been evil so far but I do think you are trying to justify a course of action that would tip the balance.

This. How can you even think of taking his inheritance??