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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this ok or not? DH and counsellor.

121 replies

Fantasisa · 08/12/2020 16:27

DH and I are separating. He thinks I'm narcissistic and I disagree and think a few choice things about him. We cannot agree and so we've agreed to divorce.

Now, I've been having counselling since the summer and he keeps saying if only I had the 'right' kind of counselling for NPD then we would stand a chance - not that I'm begging for one, we are both coming to terms with the reality of what the split means for us as a family. He has now said he should speak to my counsellor so he can fill her in on what life is really like living with me.

She, predictably, does not think that is necessary and wants to know what I think. On the face of this, is this an ok suggestion by DH? I cannot see things clearly anymore despite the excellent and expensive counselling!

OP posts:
threediamonds · 08/12/2020 16:30

Fuck no. I can't tell you how many narcissists accuse others of having NPD it's like the ultimate gaslighting. Run as fast as you can and don't let him flounce around 'exposing' you to your counsellor. Enjoy your new life and freedom 😊

Dozer · 08/12/2020 16:32

Hahaha - no.

Sounds like divorce is sensible!

category12 · 08/12/2020 16:33

No, it's a ridiculous suggestion by your ex.

ILikeStrongTea · 08/12/2020 16:33

Fuck no, he’s trying to come out as the victim here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2020 16:35

It’s the new favourite insult. Can people no longer just think other people are arseholes without trying to diagnose them with personality disorders?

He’s probably been reading MN. Everyone’s ex is apparently a “narc” Hmm

Just draw a line and get divorced.

NastyBlouse · 08/12/2020 16:37

Not OK.

Your counselling is your relationship, to manage between you and your therapist -- your husband should not be elbowing himself into that psychological space.

If he has issues with how he feels you have treated him, he's free to bring that up with his own therapist if he wants.

It's cruel and manipulative of him to suggest that things might have worked out differently 'if only you'd been diagnosed' with a condition he's clearly pulled out of his bottom.

Your husband who I would assume is not a psychologist cannot diagnose you from his lay opinion. Whether or not you have NPD or indeed any other condition is for you, your doctor and your counsellor/therapist to establish. And it's a private matter, between you and those people. (For clarity -- I'm not suggesting for one moment that you do have this condition. I'm using it as an example of how the issue should correctly be raised and addressed, and where the privacy boundaries should be.)

Stick with the counselling, and stick with your separation.

Original poster
Fantasisa · 08/12/2020 16:37

Interesting as I do think it is him that is the narcissist and is trying to control the narrative even with my counsellor. He says it is so I can 'get the help I so desperately need' and my best chance of counselling working!

But, he is SO convincing and I truly think he is convinced that I am the problem that I am almost convinced myself sometimes.

OP posts:
riotlady · 08/12/2020 16:40

No, pointless and unreasonable

user182639104 · 08/12/2020 16:41

Nope.

Titsinknicks · 08/12/2020 16:42

Absolutely fucking not. If anything you could see a new neutral counsellor or mediator together

blackcat86 · 08/12/2020 16:43

So what are your other relationships like OP? Do you have difficulty holding down a job and keeping decent friends long term? What 'evidence' does he have that you're so awful to live with and what do other think because as pps have said, he seems to be pushing this narrative and deciding that's what the issue is. Shockingly everything is all your fault (isn't it always with such men). Do not let him talk to your counsellor under any circumstances. Get that divorce and get rid.

Original poster
Fantasisa · 08/12/2020 16:44

It was me who decided against joint counselling as he felt I was the one who needed to be 'fixed' so I felt it would be futile to waste time and money on relationship counselling and instead have been having weekly sessions myself. He also had weekly sessions for six weeks with his own counsellor but has stopped now.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/12/2020 16:48

He sounds like a gaslighting twat, and is now trying to convince you that he is right and there's something wrong with you by trying to make you think your counsellor would agree with him.

tinyvulture · 08/12/2020 16:52

He sounds just like my narcissistic ex - he diagnosed me with every condition under the sun, and was desperate to talk to my counsellor and tell her how great he was/how shit I was. In the end he dumped me horribly. And now wants me back. And hopes to achieve this by sending me 8 page letters about how dysfunctional I am...... He recently described me, to me, as a “diagnosis waiting to happen.”

Fuck that shit, OP. Your ex is a controlling cunt.

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/12/2020 16:52

He's projecting. And gaslighting.
Get away from him and continue with your counselling.
If it helps ... after my N Dad blew up in my face he actually suggested that I should do as he said because he was 'highly trained in conflict resolution' 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Ahh I can laugh now!

Original poster
Fantasisa · 08/12/2020 16:54

@blackcat86 I've got an excellent job and lots of friends. I am strong minded but my closest friends say that is what they love about me.

But, I can kind of see his point - his counsellor would have NO idea what I think of living with him and what I feel is the other side of the stories he will have told her. So I can see the attraction of wanting to justify myself. But I have enough self awareness to know that it is not my place to intervene in his private therapy and would never dream of suggesting it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantasisa · 08/12/2020 16:57

@tinyvulture I too have received long letters detailing where I go wrong and how I should address my behaviour. Sent to me at work on his day off Hmm

But WHY do I doubt myself? Surely all this stuff has some truth in it for them to latch onto?

OP posts:
strangertimes · 08/12/2020 16:58

The fact that he suggested talking to YOUR counsellor shows that the divorce is a good idea. Smile sweetly, ignore everything he says, let the deluded wanker go and go enjoy your life! You’re almost free

PrincessNutNutRoast · 08/12/2020 16:59

Why on earth would your counselling be a place for him to attack you? Even if you have done wrong, it's supposed to be a safe and judgement-free space for you, not a courtroom to decide who's worse to live with.

Couples counselling would be the place for him to "have his say", your personal therapy is not. Why would he even think that?

ThriceThriceThice · 08/12/2020 17:00

If you have a decent counsellor (and it sounds like you do) there is no way she will allow your partner to hijack a session. She is there for you and to meet your needs. Him trying to wheedle his way into your sessions and influence her opinion is very revealing. This is not couple's counselling - its for you.

As for whether you are narcissistic - it's unlikely but I guess possible. Why don't you discuss with your therapist?

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 08/12/2020 17:00

My mum is a narc, she has no long term friends. No contact or very low contact with family members.

She also will not take any opinions from experts , doctors don’t know anything and any one else for that matter.

She has made strangers cry before, has no empathy and I think really enjoys the reaction of people around her as she can’t understand what they’re feeling.

Does that sound like him ? Grin also my mum will lie about anything and tell you you’re wrong even if there’s proof right in front of her. She’s a twat

HMSSophie · 08/12/2020 17:00

Fuck no. My god that's an appalling intrusive manipulative aggressive patronising and fucking out of order suggestion. Your H is an utter control freak. My god. No counsellor on the planet would agree to that.

Original poster
Fantasisa · 08/12/2020 17:02

Because @PrincessNutNutRoast, he now accepts that it is too late to save our relationship but apparently he wants me to be happy so feels him telling the counsellor the real deal is how I would then get the proper help I so obviously need.

I have said no and to worry about his own happiness and I will worry about mine but he is so plausible I thought a bit of Mumsnet input wouldn't hurt me see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantasisa · 08/12/2020 17:07

@ThriceThriceThice I have asked her and she said that is a very detailed process to determine whether someone is a narcissist and that it isn't her realm of expertise, or his (!) but that she felt our sessions were sufficient for my needs and she didn't feel I needed to see any medical professionals.

I do try to give his side of things in the sessions by saying, I think x but DH would say y so I don't get given a free pass. But she has started saying she wants to hear what I think, not what he thinks as it is my identify and sense of self and ability to trust my own feelings and thoughts that matter most. I do rate her even if I wish she was half the cost!

OP posts:
Diva66 · 08/12/2020 17:09

He sounds like a controlling twat, tbh. There is no way he should be speaking to your counsellor.