Is this ok or not? DH and counsellor.

[Fantasisa]

DH and I are separating. He thinks I'm narcissistic and I disagree and think a few choice things about him. We cannot agree and so we've agreed to divorce.

Now, I've been having counselling since the summer and he keeps saying if only I had the 'right' kind of counselling for NPD then we would stand a chance - not that I'm begging for one, we are both coming to terms with the reality of what the split means for us as a family. He has now said he should speak to my counsellor so he can fill her in on what life is really like living with me.

She, predictably, does not think that is necessary and wants to know what I think. On the face of this, is this an ok suggestion by DH? I cannot see things clearly anymore despite the excellent and expensive counselling!

I think you won't have a clear picture until you finally get him out of your life - being lied to and emotionally abused makes things muddy. My ex used to insist that I'm controlling and that I hide things from him (he'd had several affairs and basically did everything he fucking wanted behind my back). It was all projection - but I doubted myself too and felt unsure about everything.

I remember the feeling of clarity and the weight just falling off my shoulders when my ex finally left. And I still feel great 3 years down the line.

Don't expect to have all the answers yet.

I think it is less about him now and more about me getting things straight in my mind which is so bloody hard.

Yes, it is.

But - you can take as long as you like, and it has nothing to do with anyone except you. Especially not him.

I would really suggest that any more attempts to engage with you on any aspect of your feelings/opinions/mental health are batted away with a 'It's not something I am interested in discussing any more, thanks.' / 'I'm fine thanks, time for these discussions to stop' / 'We've split now, I'm happy with the outcome and happy with myself, thanks' / 'That's interesting, we all have our opinions.' etc etc.

He wants to correct what you have said about your feelings and your experiences of your relationship to your counsellor. No it is not normal that he thinks his voice is important to your narrative and thank god your counsellor has his number.

I don't think I'd be getting divorced if I wasn't having counselling
He knows this, suddenly he's dealing with you and your pesky counsellor who is teaching you to think independently of him, like you used to do.

Keep repeating "Nah, you're alright fella" if he brings it up. Don't engage as much as is possible.

It is a head fuck, untangling it all is hard work.

Fantasisa I found it a little odd but to put it in context, we had a very tough year for a number of reasons and I pushed DH into going to our doctor (booked the appointment, went with him, explained things from my point of view, left the room so that they could talk in private). The doctor referred him to a psychologist.

We had another failed attempt at IVF right before DH asked me to see her. It was something that affected us both quite badly so that might have been part of the motivation. Also, I think DH wanted me to understand more of his treatment as they were going back to his childhood although I thought more recent history would be more useful.

But I really don’t think that this is a normal scenario. And I do think your DH shouldn’t even be thinking about contacting your counsellor unless you specifically invite him to do so for your own reasons.

Short version: you are normal, he is not.

As PP have mentioned, do your best not to engage with him.
He's trying hard to remain in your head with his various forms of mind fuck.
He doesn't like the idea of others influencing your thinking with what's normal and rational.

You're used to defending, explaining, and answering to him.

He has no right to your thoughts or feelings anymore.
Do your best to change the topic or ignore him every time he brings up you.
It's no longer his business.
Begin to separate from him mentally, emotionally and physically like he's a roommate.
He can look after himself now. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.

I worked with a girl who's ex did this to her and would send her huge long texts about what was wrong with HER - and none of it was ever his fault.

I said to her one day "you know, you don't actually have to read that shit - just delete it and get on with your life". She said it was some of the best advice she's ever been told and once she stopped listening to him and got some counselling for her, her mental health improved immensely.

Just coz they say it, doesn't mean it's true. He was projecting too.

Hi OP

I have a shit ton wrong with me mentally and am working with a therapist, the only time my partner has ever talked with them, is the time they thought I was suicidal and they wanted to check he was happy to have me home and I wasn't a risk to him or my child.

other than that, he has no desire to tell them what its like to live with me as its something I have to work on and he doesn't want to get involved with what is going on with that.

Basically what I am saying is your ex should fuck off to beyond and when he gets there should fuck off further with his suggestion

Detach detach detach. If you can smile sweetly and say that’s so thoughtful but one of the benefits for you of divorcing is that you shouldn’t have to feel like you need to fix me anymore. Because you don’t, It’s all on me now, so you try and enjoy that extra time you have now.

Actually I would just laugh and say

"Tell you what how about I speak to yours first?"

He sounds like a dick. At the end of the day your counsellor doesn't think it's necessary (, I bet she has a pretty good idea what's happening and has seen it all before). So trust her instincts if you don't trust your own xx

Thanks for the views, I'm reading them all. I don't trust my instincts at home in my personal life anymore and I'm working on that with my counsellor at the moment.

Are you still living with your H?

If so, think it’d be sensible to seek to change that asap.

Yes, @Dozer, and I wish I could but we have got to sell the house before either of us can afford to move out. And who knows how long that will take - argggh.

That’s hard! Is the house on the market?

If not done already, it might be worth discussing with your counsellor how to manage the current situation, eg setting whatever boundaries you can while still cohabiting.

Have you actually separated: no sex, shared bedroom, discussing financials and DC, getting legal advice etc?

House is going on the market in the New Year - photos have been done.

No sex (recently anyway), solicitors appointed, separate bedrooms, access arrangements agreed with the DC. Mostly talk about inane/operational stuff to do with the kids/house now so I'm not sure what else we can do to make it any easier on us in the meantime. Dreading Christmas tbh.

I have had lots of counselling and the only person who insisted on seeing the counselor was my abusive ex (whilst we were still together). He insisted on seeing her alone during my session, and whilst I will never know wheat they talked about, the fact he insisted will always add to reasons why he was abusive and I did right leaving him (sadly several years later).

DH has never asked to come to my sessions, he understands they are for me and my benefit, and to discuss my thoughts and my feelings.

Good luck and hope its smooth sailing to divorcing safely!

@Pericombobulations Had he given you an idea of why he wanted to talk to your counsellor? You aren't the first person on this thread to say this has cropped up for you.

I'm glad you have a new partner now.

[quote Fantasisa]@Pericombobulations Had he given you an idea of why he wanted to talk to your counsellor? You aren't the first person on this thread to say this has cropped up for you.

I'm glad you have a new partner now.[/quote]
@Fantasisa I dont think he did tell me, but did say afterwards he had spent the time discussing himself. Not sure how true that was either as he lied about other things later too. Wish I could remember if the counsellor mentioned him later or not.

Odds are that if he did see yours, he'd then come back and start claiming that they were completely agreeing with him, telling him things that you had said in your sessions, that they were great friends, etc - all designed to deprive you of the sense of safety to disclose deeply personal thoughts, feelings and experiences and to gain the emotional tools to extricate yourself from him.

I went for counselling when in a shit relationship. His absolute obsession with knowing what I was saying, what I was being told, what 'homework' exercises I'd been given, wanting to join in the sessions, wanting to meet me outside the door as 'a nice surprise' (and try to hear what was being said - he was told to leave by the GP) and, above all WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT MEEEEEEE made it absolutely impossible to engage with the process.

He just doesn't want anybody else in your headspace but him. Which is utterly abusive, as he's doing the MH equivalent of wanting to go into the consultant surgeon's office and tell them that actually, you don't have symptoms of cancer, you're just faking it for attention/to control him so that they refuse to treat you.

@MitziK

Good post.

@MitziK I totally get this but STBXH is now very disengaged which can only be a good thing I think although weirdly that hurts which I guess shows how fucked up this relationship got.