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Original poster

The father of my DS isn’t interested in marriage

107 replies

Kathanmum · 08/12/2020 13:13

This is my first thread and just want some advise.

I have a DS with my DP he is 4 months old. I really want to get married but whenever I ever touch on the subject like saying I want my dad to still be alive when I get married ( my father is 71 with heart failure) he goes all quiet and dodges the subject it’s really irritating. When I was pregnant I said “do you want to get married” he responded saying “yeah I can picture myself getting married one day”. This felt like he dodged the question and acted like he didn’t realise I meant to me....

Should I come outright and ask him if he wants to marry me or just keep going with the flow? We are in a happy relationship with no problems, we live in a house with a dog and talk about other things in the future like more kids/living abroad.

My other issue is everything is in his name, the car, the house, the child benefit forms even our sons last name. I don’t feel particularly secure in this.

OP posts:
KleinBlue · 08/12/2020 13:16

We are in a happy relationship with no problems

is directly contradicted by

everything is in his name, the car, the house, the child benefit forms even our sons last name

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 13:17

You don't feel secure because you're not. If you are not financially independent, you are in a very precarious situation. I would concentrate on your own security rather than pressuring him to marry you. When a man wants to marry you, they let you know it. Actions speak louder than words.

Annasgirl · 08/12/2020 13:18

Oh dear God woman, you are in a precarious financial position - why on earth is the child benefit in his name? Effectively you do not exist.

user182639104 · 08/12/2020 13:19

What KleinBlue said.

Why didn't you even give your child your name?

YoniAndGuy · 08/12/2020 13:22

Wow, no, you are in an incredibly precarious position. Why the hell did you give your son HIS last name?!

Time for a serious discussion - you want to get married. If his answer is no or maybe, when you have a child together, then he wants to have his cake and eat it - there's no other interpretation. He doesn't get to 'not believe' in marriage now he's enjoying all of the benefits of it with no committment whatsoever. That makes him a user.

Do you work? If so, separate finances and do not pay a penny towards the house or bills. It isn't your house. You live there? Yes you do, the childcare you do for free can be rent, ok?

Tell him if marriage isn't going to happen, you want to change the surname to double barrel with yours. If he doesn't agree, a court order would go your way on this one.

Talking of moving abroad, more kids? I suggest you change the tone of that to 'Well I don't know if I might have moved on by then. I intend to be married one day... if that's not going to be us, I won't stay vulnerable in this relationship forever...

YoniAndGuy · 08/12/2020 13:22

And change the bloody child benefit RIGHT NOW!

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 13:23

Gosh, why did you allow that? Time to get things changed. This is all his way and he’s totally secure and you’ve nothing.

Just ask him about marriage. Honestly you shouldn’t even be contemplating it if you can’t raise the subject properly.

As for the house, that depends, did you buy it together or was it his? Do you work and financially contribute? What about the car, was it jointly bought or did he buy it?

You have no right to these things if he bought them, but you own fifty percent of it was joint so you need to resolve it.

Also marriage only gives you half of what came into the marriage since the marriage so he can protect his interests if he has purchased these things,

iswhois · 08/12/2020 13:23

OP do you work?

If he doesn't want to get married then your name needs to go on everything

He holds all of the cards

wimhoffbreather · 08/12/2020 13:23

When I was pregnant I said “do you want to get married” he responded saying “yeah I can picture myself getting married one day”. This felt like he dodged the question and acted like he didn’t realise I meant to me....

Gosh op, that’s not good from him. I feel like you need to prepare yourself for life without him. Really sort your finances etc. you’ve just had his baby and he doesn’t sound like he sees a long term future with you. I’m so sorry Sad but you need to be pragmatic for your little one

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 13:24

Do you work? If so, separate finances and do not pay a penny towards the house or bills. It isn't your house. You live there? Yes you do, the childcare you do for free can be rent, ok?

Yeah, this is a bit of a hysterical reaction. If you work then of course you should contribute to the bills your not entitled to a free home. Life doesn’t work like that. And when you work someone else is taking care of your kid.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 13:25

If he doesn't want to get married then your name needs to go on everything.
If the genders were reversed no one would be saying a woman should be putting a mans name on her home, if she bought it, they’d be telling her to protect herself

This is down to who bought this house.

TwentyViginti · 08/12/2020 13:27

@Annasgirl

Oh dear God woman, you are in a precarious financial position - why on earth is the child benefit in his name? Effectively you do not exist.
This! you do not exist in any of the important financial stuff.

He will never marry you OP. You need to sort out the finances as you have ZERO rights atm.

Jobsharenightmare · 08/12/2020 13:30

I think in your shoes I would be saying i want to get married in January at the local reg so my Dad can come. If he isn't on board then you'll know he would rather not commit to you.

hopefulhalf · 08/12/2020 13:32

Yes ask him, the time for romantic gestures is past. If the answer is no you can start thinking about how your life will work without him.

sosickofthisshit · 08/12/2020 13:33

Why on earth is the child benefit in his name? If you split, he can claim that he is the main carer as he is claiming the child benefit

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 13:34

She might not be in a precarious position if she works ans has savings, if she doesn’t work, and has no or little savings, then yes she’s totally reliant on him and what he pleases, and it’s very precarious and gets worse the longer it goes on,

If the op has a job, earns and has some money behind her, then it’s not ideal but it’s fine,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 13:42

You feel insecure because your legal position as it stands is terrible and you've really handed over practically all your power and control in this relationship over to him and at great cost to your own self. Why have you been so passive and basically a passenger in your own life?.

I doubt very much whether he will marry you at all; you're perhaps the "she's good enough for now" woman. And for goodness sake do not move abroad with him either.

Original poster
Kathanmum · 08/12/2020 13:45

The house and car was bought before I knew him. Child benefits are in his name as he works freelance so he makes less money on the books than me so we agreed it would be better.

We put sons name in his last name as I was happy to do that and still am.

I have a lot of my own savings and we do share a joint account for baby purchases.

I’ve never asked him outright about marriage to me as I’ve been too embarrassed since I’m not the most confident person in the world. I don’t feel like he doesn’t love me or will leave me I just want to know if marriage is on the cards or if not since it’s something emotionally I’ve always wanted.

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 08/12/2020 13:45

"everything is in his name, the car, the house, the child benefit forms even our sons last name"

He has financially trapped you in this relationship. No wonder you are frightened. This path has been walked down by so many women before you. Trapped into providing the bulk of all the unpaid labour in the family and then ditched the second it doesn't suit him anymore. And left with nothing, not even a career to fall back on.

He wont marry you, he wouldn't have behaved the way he already has if he was anyway fair or interested in your wellbeing. So get the child benefit in your name. Refuse to do anymore childcare or house work than he does. Force fairness and start saving, you might well need it.

BiBabbles · 08/12/2020 13:46

Outright ask, maybe throw in a conversation family security, how you can protect each other in case the worst happens, including wills if those haven't been updated since your DS was born.

Is your DP the main carer of your DS in need of pension protection or are you unable to claim child benefit because of immigration reasons/having no recourse to public funds?

In those situations, I could see why the benefit is in his name, but if you're the main carer and can claim, it may be an idea to switch that over and if you need NI credits to protect your pension, that's a risky situation. NI credits can be transferred if he's also working and getting NI that way, but it's a bit of a faff and he'll have to do it each year you need to be covered for.

Techway · 08/12/2020 13:54

Op,if you are off work then you need child benefit registered so you have NI contributions against your name. This is really important for your future.

Are you very young?

BiBabbles · 08/12/2020 13:54

Crosspost OP, I think if it's important to you then it's a conversation worth having and that especially with your DS, it's important to discuss both the things we want and how we want to handle things so we're best prepared for the worst.

HolyBuckets · 08/12/2020 13:54

Is your name on the house op?

Bunnymumy · 08/12/2020 13:56

Oh dear. The way I see it, if I told a partner I was pregnant, I woul pretty much immediately want a discussion about marriage. Provided we had been together at least a year and we had never spoke about being fundamentally against marriage.

Maybe I would have given a day to digest things but if he hadn't brought it up by then I would think he had fuck all respect for me.

Think it shows a distinct lack of respect that he let you get to this point, knowing you want marriage and yet just let you have his child without so much as a game plan for it.

Don't have any more kids with him. And as pp said, start looking into ways to protect yourself financially.

user1471538283 · 08/12/2020 13:59

I read it that you are working so that's a very big plus point. You can change your baby's last name up until he is a year old if you would like to do that.

You need a strong financial cushion just in case he does decide he doesn't want either you or the baby in the house. I would save like mad and liquidise any assets. Unfortunately, sometimes a partner does decide that s/he no longer wants the other person in the house baby or not.

I would make it clear to him that you need to get married (it doesn't have to be fancy) and set a date. If it doesn't happen by this date then you will be leaving.

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you. That's so hard to hear