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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The father of my DS isn’t interested in marriage

107 replies

Kathanmum · 08/12/2020 13:13

This is my first thread and just want some advise.

I have a DS with my DP he is 4 months old. I really want to get married but whenever I ever touch on the subject like saying I want my dad to still be alive when I get married ( my father is 71 with heart failure) he goes all quiet and dodges the subject it’s really irritating. When I was pregnant I said “do you want to get married” he responded saying “yeah I can picture myself getting married one day”. This felt like he dodged the question and acted like he didn’t realise I meant to me....

Should I come outright and ask him if he wants to marry me or just keep going with the flow? We are in a happy relationship with no problems, we live in a house with a dog and talk about other things in the future like more kids/living abroad.

My other issue is everything is in his name, the car, the house, the child benefit forms even our sons last name. I don’t feel particularly secure in this.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 16:21

@MonaLisaPiles

He’s got you over a barrel If he doesn’t want marriage then he needs to work with you to protect you and your future If neither there’s your answer
Why? She’s an adult. She’s the higher earner? She’s not some little women who needs help to get a secure future, it’s fully within her capabilities to do this herself.
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 16:22

@StephenBelafonte

Sorry OP but as a homeowner with assets, there is no way I would marry someone who wasnt my financial equal and I expect that this is really what the problem is with your partner , sorry if its not what you want to hear.
Yes and any women who presents the same scenario with a male partner is told don’t marry him and make sure you protect yout assets if you do.
KleinBlue · 08/12/2020 16:25

@StephenBelafonte

Sorry OP but as a homeowner with assets, there is no way I would marry someone who wasnt my financial equal and I expect that this is really what the problem is with your partner , sorry if its not what you want to hear.
But you'd live with, shag and impregnate her without a second thought, like the OP's boyfriend, right? Hmm
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 16:27

But you'd live with, shag and impregnate her without a second thought, like the OP's boyfriend, right? hmm

Eh, you know she’s an adult right, with personal responsibility and an ability to decide if she wishes to live with him, shag him and be impregnated with him? She’s not some pet he keeps for gods sake.

Ph0neBear · 08/12/2020 16:27

YOU need to put the child benefit into your name today
Because it also pays the National Insurance "stamp" while you are not working, which contributes to your state pension & other benefits
You need 35 qualifying years of NI to claim a full state pension
All info is on www.gov.uk

Take power back & ensure that you look after yourself

StephenBelafonte · 08/12/2020 16:29

But you'd live with, shag and impregnate her without a second thought, like the OP's boyfriend, right?

I'm assuming the OP had the baby of her own free will. Wasnt forced to have it.

StephenBelafonte · 08/12/2020 16:30

But you'd live with, shag and impregnate her without a second thought, like the OP's boyfriend, right?

I'm assuming the OP had the baby of her own free will. Wasnt forced to have it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2020 16:31

Why were embarrassed to talk about marriage? You’ve seen each other naked, had sex, presumably planned to have a baby together. What’s so embarrassing about discussing marriage? It’s not a favour a man does for a woman when she’s been good enough. It’s a serious legal commitment. One a lot of people make before planning to have children together for many sensible reasons.

Muckish · 08/12/2020 16:33

I don't think anyone is doubting the OP's free will, but I think it's a fair question to ask a poster like @StephenBelafonte, who appears to be priding himself on his financial acumen and who says he wouldn't marry someone who wasn't his 'financial equal' why he would be ok with having a baby with someone he cohabits with and presumably loves if he doesn't consider her worthy of sharing his finances.

StephenBelafonte · 08/12/2020 16:34

I'm not a he i'm a she

ILikeStrongTea · 08/12/2020 16:35

You do realise common law isn’t a thing right? So if you split you’d be out. Also get the child benefit changed.

FestiveChristmasLights · 08/12/2020 16:36

OP, just ask him to marry you. See what he says and tell him roughly when you want it to be. If he says no, then you have to decide if you want to carry on how you are or not.

Aprilx · 08/12/2020 17:58

We put sons name in his last name as I was happy to do that and still am.

You might not be so happy in the future when you are a single parent and don’t share the same name as your child. My sister was another of the many women that are happy at the time, she wasn’t so happy a few years later. She legally changed her daughters name to her own in the end. If you can change the birth certificate though, then I would do this now.

Fressia123 · 08/12/2020 18:07

So the OP is the higher earner and (apart from the house) in a better/decent financial position.

She had to figure out of it's a deal breaker for her. It is for me, even if I put my assets at risk.

Jobsharenightmare · 08/12/2020 18:17

I don't think this is about financial security as the OP is the higher earner. It is about the emotional security we get from feeling our partners are committed to us (as much as one can be) and invested in a shared long term future.

Matilda03 · 08/12/2020 18:18

It seems crazy to me that you are embarrassed to talk about marriage when you have a child together.

ivfbeenbusy · 08/12/2020 18:51

@StephenBelafonte

Sorry OP but as a homeowner with assets, there is no way I would marry someone who wasnt my financial equal and I expect that this is really what the problem is with your partner , sorry if its not what you want to hear.

This

Having his child doesn't automatically entitle someone to financial equality? Even if they were married likely a property owned by him before they met wouldn't be part of the settlement anyway?

If marriage is "emotionally something you've always wanted" then why have a baby without it? I made it perfectly clear to my now DH no marriage no babies and it wasn't something I'd ever compromise on. I loved him enough to marry him I didn't love him enough to stay with him and never be married and so if I wasn't wife material for him then I'd risk breaking up to find that person for whom I was.

caringcarer · 09/12/2020 00:47

You should have given baby your last name and put child benefit book in your name. You are in s very precarious situation and I can't understand why you would put child benefit in your do name or your baby for that matter either. If he eats son to have his name he married you. Why would he marry you when you have agreed for your son to have his surname without marriage.

caringcarer · 09/12/2020 00:51

If you separate he could go for joint custody of your baby and he would have the child benefit too. You need financial protection and commitment for your baby.

ivfbeenbusy · 09/12/2020 06:42

@caringcarer

If you separate he could go for joint custody of your baby and he would have the child benefit too. You need financial protection and commitment for your baby.

Well he's entitled to joint custody because they deliberately chose to make a baby together. If you don't want to share a child then don't have one?!

Punishing him by denying him joint custody because he hasn't married her is pretty manipulative even for MN!

Fressia123 · 09/12/2020 06:44

This thread reminds me of Victorian times.

fuzzymoon · 09/12/2020 06:54

This discussion should have happened before moving in , getting pregnant etc.

Couples need to talk properly, each saying exactly how they feel and plan the future together.

Your baby is only just born , it's the biggest adjusting time , emotionally and physically , in your relationships and you then ask about marriage, which is another huge change. This can be too much to think about right now.

You need to be planning how you can secure your future now. Buying into the house so you're both on the deeds.

AcornAutumn · 09/12/2020 06:57

OP “ . I don’t feel like he doesn’t love me or will leave me I just want to know if marriage is on the cards or if not since it’s something emotionally I’ve always wanted.”

You need to think about practicalities, not emotions. What happens if he ends the relationship tomorrow?

Grobagsforever · 09/12/2020 07:01

Brilliant you're the higher earner, don't pay anything into a property you don't own, or the car. Increase your own savings as much as possible.

This man doesn't want to marry you but that's fine as you out earn him. Statistically speaking women are happier without marriage anyway.

PamDemic · 09/12/2020 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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