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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The father of my DS isn’t interested in marriage

107 replies

Kathanmum · 08/12/2020 13:13

This is my first thread and just want some advise.

I have a DS with my DP he is 4 months old. I really want to get married but whenever I ever touch on the subject like saying I want my dad to still be alive when I get married ( my father is 71 with heart failure) he goes all quiet and dodges the subject it’s really irritating. When I was pregnant I said “do you want to get married” he responded saying “yeah I can picture myself getting married one day”. This felt like he dodged the question and acted like he didn’t realise I meant to me....

Should I come outright and ask him if he wants to marry me or just keep going with the flow? We are in a happy relationship with no problems, we live in a house with a dog and talk about other things in the future like more kids/living abroad.

My other issue is everything is in his name, the car, the house, the child benefit forms even our sons last name. I don’t feel particularly secure in this.

OP posts:
BackwardsGoing · 09/12/2020 07:09

I'm not the most confident person in the world.

He's your partner, not a TED talk. If you can't talk to him openly and honestly then you have major problems!

PinGwyn · 09/12/2020 07:10

If you want marriage now then you need to speak to your partner and tell him that it's something you want and why. Make it clear you want stability so a big fancy wedding day isn't necessary if that's what he's worried about.

If he says it's not something he wants (I really don't think marriage is for everyone) then you discuss your feelings on that and decide how to proceed. If you both decide against it temporarily or permanently you need to sort out wills and legal arrangements to make sure that you and DS have some form of security.

As for the last name, I don't think it's a huge deal personally. We had 2 kids with their Dads surname (I was young and assumed it was default) before getting married after 13 years together and never had any issues stemming from that then or now as I didn't change my name.

Ultimately it comes down to what you want, don't feel you need to compromise to suit him if marriage is a big deal to you.

DianeChambers · 09/12/2020 07:13

Eek op.

If you earn more and are not contributing to the mortgage / home repairs, enabling you to save to buy a home for yourself, and of course if you keep your hours and level at work the same as pre-baby, and remain on a career path not damaged by childcare, it is different to taking all the hits of parenting with no security.

Id be changing baby’s surname. You might be ok with it now , but this man has told you he sees himself married eventually, and he has also seemingly made clear he doesn't see that with you. How will you feel about the child’s name if he left and married someone else (usually very quickly)

Putthegasfireon · 09/12/2020 07:28

Having his child doesn't automatically entitle someone to financial equality? Even if they were married likely a property owned by him before they met wouldn't be part of the settlement anyway?

Having a child doesn't but marriage does. My SIL wasn't on the mortgage of my ex-BIL's house that he acquired some time before they met but she was entitled to some of the equity in the divorce.

I wouldn't suggest the OP gets married just for financial support as it sounds like she's in a good position being the higher earner anyway. As someone else has suggested, make sure you have a huge savings pot instead. However, if marriage is important to you, I'd be having a conversation with your DP.

Holyrivolli · 09/12/2020 07:32

@Fressia123

This thread reminds me of Victorian times.
Yeah. It’s bemusing isn’t it. The Mumsnet marriage posse effect. All these posters jumping in saying that she’s vulnerable and absolutely needs to get him to marry her . If she’s the higher earner and depending on how much savings she’s got then it may not be in her financial interest to marry him. It doesn’t cross their minds that a woman can be financially independent in her own right.

Of course the OP may want to marry for other reasons but it’s the weird assumption that unmarried mums are always these poor destitute vulnerable women entirely at the mercy of their partner to fund their lives.

BeakyWinder · 09/12/2020 07:36

These threads are like clockwork Sad. Keep your job OP no matter what. Make sure childcare is paid between you, get the child benefit back as a matter of urgency, stop paying towards the house except for your share of the bills and just in case you missed it do not give up your job!

Ellmau · 09/12/2020 07:47

Child benefits are in his name as he works freelance so he makes less money on the books than me so we agreed it would be better.

That doesn't make sense. If you earn over the limit for getting CB, you, as a couple, aren't entitled to it even if he makes the claim.

Is there any possibility he is already married?

Fressia123 · 09/12/2020 07:55

I think it's for NI purposes that the OP is handling CB that way.

Sunflowergirl1 · 09/12/2020 08:04

I understand why it is all in his name given he bought it prior to you meeting. Most couples are the same.

I just despair though at the number of women that have a child based on the assurances such as "yes I can see us getting married at some point" which is a euphemism normally for "I don't want to get married but let's kick it in the long grass"

@Kathanmum ...there are loads of similar threads on here and sadly some go on to being utterly financially broken. Fortunately you are not quite in that position. A recent thread identified to the OP has she was utterly vulnerable in respect of not being next of kin, pensions, wills etc......the list goes on.

I suggest you both sit down and have an honest discussion and if you think, then set a time limit to get married. Just go and get it done and if he refuses...we'll do you want to carry on if he won't commit?

DONT get pregnant again and make it worse.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 09/12/2020 08:12

You're a responsible parent now, you need to pull on your big girl pants and sort it all out, CB goes into your account in your name, end of. Ask him to marry you in a registry office in the new year specify a date/month, you won't melt or die when you ask, you may blush a bit.
If he continues to put it off or make excuses, then you know, he's not interested in commiting to you.
Him having the CB makes it look like he is primary carer and in a split could make you have visitation and pay him child support.
Sort it out, these things go downhill fast, start with the CB.

JillofTrades · 09/12/2020 08:17

I’ve never asked him outright about marriage to me as I’ve been too embarrassed since I’m not the most confident person in the world

So you produced a human being with him yet too embarrassed to ask a very important question Confused. I think your priorities are a bit warped here.
And why are you guilting him about being married for your dad's sake.
I think if you really wanted to be married then you should have done that before having a baby.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 09/12/2020 08:22

For anyone reading this thread, ttc with someone they’re not married to, but want to be: get married before getting pregnant or this situation could be you.

BeakyWinder · 09/12/2020 08:27

I don't think MN is marriage obsessed, I'm not married! But time and time again women post on here in the same situation. They go part time after mat leave, the childcare is more than the part time wage and they quit, then they are in the shit when the relationship breaks down.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 09/12/2020 08:30

I presume the CB is in his name so that he gets the NI credits?

Are you paying towards his mortgage?

In your shoes, if you can afford it, I would buy a property and then rent it out. To give you your own security. Also make sure you pay into your own pension.

Sunflowergirl1 · 09/12/2020 08:41

Of course, the reality is is that the judgment about being married is often a financial one. You will find threads on here of women who are far better off than their ex and had financially stripped. However, that is only what men experience as well.

The reality is is the % of women that are disadvantaged is often far higher than men so it is usually to the woman's benefit to marry.

In my case DH started the higher earner but I fortunately had huge strides and am the far higher earner...so I would be the one financially stripped if we split, even if I was the primary carer.

It's what's called equality I guess!

Northernparent68 · 09/12/2020 09:00

I expect he does n’t want to get married because he does n’t want to lose his house if they get divorced, and does any one blame him.

Fressia123 · 09/12/2020 09:01

the whole thing about CB Recipient = primary carer isn't true. I don't get it for my DD and never had an issue with tax credits/ UC.

AcornAutumn · 09/12/2020 09:01

@Northernparent68

I expect he does n’t want to get married because he does n’t want to lose his house if they get divorced, and does any one blame him.
No, I completely understand it

I just think the person on the other side of the partnership must feather their own nest, though OP hasn’t commented on that so fingers crossed, she is.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 09/12/2020 09:18

Child benefit can only be paid to the primary caregiver of the child.
www.qredible.co.uk/b/child-benefit-shared-custody/

Would anyone want to take the chance with their baby if they split.

Fressia123 · 09/12/2020 09:22

50/50 it can be given to either as there is no primary caregiver. Which is my case.

sofato5miles · 09/12/2020 09:28

The reason why he has less money and OP has savings is that he has equity.

I also don't know why but unmarried mothers happily not passing their own surname gives me the rage. I think it's the 'oh not conventional me, don't need an out dated tradition that protects me financially, but love the tradition that gives the fathers that male macho honour'. Ugh

Wyntersdiary · 09/12/2020 09:31

so basically if you break up, you lose everything and he is okay with that. He is okay with the mother of his child and his child being homeless, with no car, no money etc

Fressia123 · 09/12/2020 09:54

@sofato5miles why does it make a difference if they're married? She might still decide not to take his surname

cardswapping · 09/12/2020 10:03

Flowers I am sorry OP. I can see you have self confidence issues. Having a child with someone you cannot even talk to about marriage shows this.

You need to look after yourself as a priority. You are vulnerable financially. Think of it as building a nest for your child too, it is not selfish. Please continue working. Do not use your savings to by nappies, childcare, etc. This should be paid also by the father.

MizMoonshine · 09/12/2020 11:22

If you want to be married to him, propose.

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