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Original poster

The father of my DS isn’t interested in marriage

107 replies

Kathanmum · 08/12/2020 13:13

This is my first thread and just want some advise.

I have a DS with my DP he is 4 months old. I really want to get married but whenever I ever touch on the subject like saying I want my dad to still be alive when I get married ( my father is 71 with heart failure) he goes all quiet and dodges the subject it’s really irritating. When I was pregnant I said “do you want to get married” he responded saying “yeah I can picture myself getting married one day”. This felt like he dodged the question and acted like he didn’t realise I meant to me....

Should I come outright and ask him if he wants to marry me or just keep going with the flow? We are in a happy relationship with no problems, we live in a house with a dog and talk about other things in the future like more kids/living abroad.

My other issue is everything is in his name, the car, the house, the child benefit forms even our sons last name. I don’t feel particularly secure in this.

OP posts:
Bloodyfrostycar · 08/12/2020 14:02

You need to have a sensible discussion with him. Explain that you want to make the financial position for yourself and your son more secure. This is not just about what would happen if he left you (I'm sure his answer to that would be that you don't need to worry, he wouldn't leave/would make sure you were OK) but also what happens if he died.

One way to get extra security for you would be to get married.
Assuming you are in England whilst this does not automatically mean you get 50% of everything it would mean that you have far more rights eg, to stay in the house and ultimately on divorce could ask the courts to decide a fair split of assets etc. It would also mean that in most cases the house etc would become yours if he died and could also give your rights over his pensions etc.

You can tell him that if he does not want to get married then you will need to put something else in place to give you and your child financial security- such as transferring the house to joint names etc. If he prefers this option you can ask why he doesn't want to get married. FWIW I have friends who are totally committed to their relationship and their children but have decided that they will never get married because they disagree with the history etc of marriage and don't feel they need a ceremony/certificate to be loyal to oneanother. But they have made sure that there are legal arrangements in place about family finances etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 14:04

May I ask how old roughly you are now?. I doubt if marriage to him now is on the cards; he is not the sort who wants to at all share. He holds the vast amount, if practically not all, the power and control here in this relationship and he knows it too.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2020 14:07

Then if he bought those items before he knew you it makes sense they are in his name, and if you work and have savings you’re not in a bad situation. Did you have a house or car before you met him?

Also the child support if he earns less, being in his name is fine.

So it’s really if he wishes to get married, it’s not always in both parties interests,

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 14:12

I’ve never asked him outright about marriage to me as I’ve been too embarrassed since I’m not the most confident person in the world.

I don't understand how you can be embarrassed about having a proper talk about marriage with someone you have a child with? It really shouldn't be difficult to raise something that is so normal and just speak about it.

notquitealonealone · 08/12/2020 14:13

This is oh so familiar. This could be me.

Then I had 2 more children, still no marriage. I thought it was fine, we were busy, what did it matter, we're happy......

After 18 years of him still not being ready for marriage, it finally started to really bother me. So an ultimatum it was.

Yeah, we're not together anymore. Wish I hadn't wasted so much time, I really really do.
If I could do it again, I would give the ultimatum now and if its a no, hes not ready, I'd walk away.

Dozer · 08/12/2020 14:15

You’ve been very passive about this.

While you reflect on the relationship, continue working full time, don’t make any work compromises your DP doesn’t make, and sort out the financials asap so you have a share in joint assets.

Dozer · 08/12/2020 14:16

Would also change your DC’s surname to yours.

unebaguettepastropcuite · 08/12/2020 14:17

Oh dear, you've put yourself in a vulnerable position. You really should have sorted this out before having a child.
I'm afraid you're either going to have to face up to it or take the risk of him leaving you with nothing at some point.
Having said that, if you can't have a conversation with him about marriage, then you really shouldn't be marrying him (or having his child)

user182639104 · 08/12/2020 14:21

We put sons name in his last name as I was happy to do that and still am.

That doesn't answer why you didn't give your son your name. That would have been the default position when unmarried, so why did you choose to give him a different name?

user182639104 · 08/12/2020 14:22

What about wills?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 08/12/2020 14:23

If he dies youll get nothing. If you split you'll get maintenance for dc but nothing more. I really hope you have a rainy day/running away fund.

WaltzingBetty · 08/12/2020 14:23

@wimhoffbreather

When I was pregnant I said “do you want to get married” he responded saying “yeah I can picture myself getting married one day”. This felt like he dodged the question and acted like he didn’t realise I meant to me....

Gosh op, that’s not good from him. I feel like you need to prepare yourself for life without him. Really sort your finances etc. you’ve just had his baby and he doesn’t sound like he sees a long term future with you. I’m so sorry Sad but you need to be pragmatic for your little one

And you still have your child his name, and he has the child benefit? Confused Why? Essentially you have no rights to asserts in this relationship
2bazookas · 08/12/2020 14:33

You've got a lot of problems in your relationship.

You can solve one of them right away. YOU propose marriage to HIM.
Then you know where you stand.

notquitealonealone · 08/12/2020 14:36

We put sons name in his last name as I was happy to do that and still am.

I did this too because I assumed we would get married at some point soon. We didn't and I wish I hadn't done this.

MonaLisaPiles · 08/12/2020 14:39

He’s got you over a barrel
If he doesn’t want marriage then he needs to work with you to protect you and your future
If neither there’s your answer

TwentyViginti · 08/12/2020 14:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I’ve never asked him outright about marriage to me as I’ve been too embarrassed since I’m not the most confident person in the world.

I don't understand how you can be embarrassed about having a proper talk about marriage with someone you have a child with? It really shouldn't be difficult to raise something that is so normal and just speak about it.

It's so odd isn't it?
JurassicParkAha · 08/12/2020 14:49

Yes, you should ask him outright if he will marry you. But be prepared it might be a no.

If he says no, you need to start treating yourself as a single woman for the purposes of financial security. Because you're not owed anything legally from him if you do split. Whether you are ok staying with a man who won't marry you or not, is your call. But if you do stay, protect yourself!

Atm, you have no major assets in your name (do you at least have your own pension?). If you fell sick/lost your job, do you have enough set aside to help you get back on your feet/look after your child as a single parent? Talk to a financial advisor and make sure you're investing and protecting your financial future.

doodleygirl · 08/12/2020 14:55

Why would you put yourself in this position? It leaves you vulnerable and exposed. Imagine if you split up tomorrow, you would be entitled to nothing apart from child support, you are also vulnerable because child benefit is in his name. Now imagine the same scenario in 20 years when it’s so much harder to start again from nothing.

Make yourself less vulnerable or protect your self, get a mortgage and buy somewhere.

I do not understand why any woman puts herself in this position.

CherryPavlova · 08/12/2020 14:59

It might have been wiser to get married before having a child. Certainly don't plan others without the commitment and security that marriage brings. It is about money but its also about more than money.

Is it marriage hes reluctant about or a big frilly wedding? The two are very different.

Jobsharenightmare · 08/12/2020 15:00

I want to marry you in X month. What do you think?

Quite simple OP. The time to wait has passed. You need to face this conversation.

edwinbear · 08/12/2020 15:06

The discussion about marriage should have happened before you had DC with him. Have you heard of the expression 'why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?'

Pumpertrumper · 08/12/2020 15:12

@Kathanmum

Everything about your posts makes me want to scream in frustration and throw my phone at the wall.

You are too embarrassed to ask a man about marriage... but you had his baby ?!?!? Confused

Your DP shows absolutely no sign of wanting to marry you and actively dodges the question...so you give him all the control over you and DS legally and materialistically ?!?!?!?

You claim to be in a happy relationship...with someone who knows you want to get married and won’t even address the subject with you ?!?!?

I’m sorry to say it OP and I do say it kindly but you are the exact situation that plays out over and over and over again on MN and everyone tries desperately to warn other women against.

You have no control, no leverage and by the sounds of it no security (physically or emotionally).

There’s not much you can do now, you have maybe 3 options:
-go back to work FT and try to make DP pay half the childcare costs to facilitate that.

  • leave him and go it alone.
  • accept you aren’t getting married any time soon, you’re at his mercy, this is your lot in life and get on with it.

Good luck xx

Lozzerbmc · 08/12/2020 15:13

This is a massive worry you have no security AT ALL! Does he own house outright? Get benefit for baby in your name. Thank goodness you have a job dont ever, ever leave it! Ask him to marry you, then you’ll know...

ivfbeenbusy · 08/12/2020 15:58

I’ve never asked him outright about marriage to me as I’ve been too embarrassed since I’m not the most confident person in the world*

Well if you've never had the discussion you can hardly blame him now for not having done it? You should have made it clear before you even got pregnant what your long term aspirations were for your relationship??

My other issue is everything is in his name, the car, the house, the child benefit forms even our sons last name. I don’t feel particularly secure in this.

Well this hardly surprising if he owned them before meeting you? I didn't put the house or car that was owned before meeting DH in his name?? He's protecting himself and rightly so?

As for the child benefit - it's irrelevant really - if either of you earn over £50k doesn't matter whose name it is in you have to repay it to the HMRC?

StephenBelafonte · 08/12/2020 16:15

Sorry OP but as a homeowner with assets, there is no way I would marry someone who wasnt my financial equal and I expect that this is really what the problem is with your partner , sorry if its not what you want to hear.