Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So the the grass belonging to the OW wasn't really greener then was it?!

557 replies

jemimathecat · 07/12/2020 12:53

This is light hearted post but I just wanted to hear if there were any stories out there where your partner/spouse went off with the OW and the grass suddenly turned to mud?!!
After being deeply hurt, I now find myself chuckling when I think of the ex (mid 50's) back to changing nappies and sleepless nights and telling his mother that he has no time for himself and cannot BELIEVE how expensive baby formula is!!
Most of his friends are driving sports cars and have grown up kids (like we also do) yet the only thing he's driving is a new double buggy ! LOL!

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 08/12/2020 10:25

@lostintheday

No one thinks that about a first family, do they?

And you really can't think of any reasons why some people (such as a dumped wife) would have reason to think differently about the first family from the second family which is founded on the abandoning of the first family?

I absolutely get why the dumped wife would want to believe they're miserable. I just don't understand why anyone else would accept it as some sort of clear fact that a couple having a child together must hate their lives and be full of regret.
lostintheday · 08/12/2020 10:25

ImAKaren

My friend's husband left her (after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids) for a woman in her 20s. They have gone on to have two children together, both of whom suffer from a genetic abnormality which makes normal life impossible. The dad is now reaching retirement age but cares for the children round the clock

That is very sad - poor children. I couldn't take pleasure in that

Must admit, that account just made me feel sad for everyone involved.

trixiebelden77 · 08/12/2020 10:25

Goodness this rings very hollow indeed. I suspect it’s not making you laugh quite as much as you say.

But then my dad was in his 5os when we were born.....so according to some of the PPs he must have just been pretending to be happy.

HitthatroadJack · 08/12/2020 10:26

So many threads from women heartbroken about the ex doing a much better job and being so much happier the 2nd time around.

THAT is the point people are trying to make, not that a cheat doesn't deserve karma.

lostintheday · 08/12/2020 10:27

I just don't understand why anyone else would accept it as some sort of clear fact that a couple having a child together must hate their lives and be full of regret

I don't think you understand this thread.

Hardbackwriter · 08/12/2020 10:27

I also just think that this whole thread is full of

a) really unpleasant, judgemental attitudes towards older parents and
b) some really sexist tropes about babies being something that women force men to have, and that men are never willing or happy fathers

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/12/2020 10:29

@SchadenfreudePersonified

ahhh ‘bitterness ‘ that overused word men and younger women like to throw at more mature women who actually know better and have the guts to speak the truth

Absolutely!

And FWIW, if I had been a betrayed wife, although I wouldn't want a blow by blow account of how/where my ex was living, if I found out that his new woman was making his life a misery, I would have a little smile to myself and then just get back to my life.

I wouldn't be bitter, but I don't think I could resist a bit of "serves you right" - especially if I had children who had been devastated by his behaviour.

This.

I don't want my ex h to be miserable as that then affects our children, however was I glad when he and the OW split up? Yes, I was. If that makes me bitter than so be it. Them breaking up has meant that our kids no longer have to spend time with someone who resents them and that me and their dad can have an amicable relationship, which I couldn't do while they were together.

He is with someone else now and I have nothing against her or their relationship as it didn't break our family up.

HitthatroadJack · 08/12/2020 10:31

@Hardbackwriter

I also just think that this whole thread is full of

a) really unpleasant, judgemental attitudes towards older parents and
b) some really sexist tropes about babies being something that women force men to have, and that men are never willing or happy fathers

exactly.
PatriciaPerch · 08/12/2020 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

likeamillpond · 08/12/2020 10:33

The ex starting a new family... Where's the bullshit?

The bullshit as you put it is in the fact that most of these men end up treating their replacement children far better than they ever treated their first children.
It's disgusting and if people want to vent then let them.
Calling them 'Bitter is a cheap shot.
If they offend you so much it's maybe best if you don't read the thread.
And fyi I am also a first wife, happily married and my husband is 15 years older than me.

He started a family later in life (absolutely nothing wrong with that) but he didn't dump another family to do so..

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/12/2020 10:36

Been there, too Perch - these wonderful dads who bring joy to everyone's lives except their family's.

Your words below are spot on.
It is actually perfectly normal to be angry and sad in the first instance and even years later. It is part of the process

We need to help each other through this process so they can move on - not accuse them of spite.

Rustyplastic · 08/12/2020 10:37

@HitthatroadJack what IS wisdom is knowing not to use sexist words like bitter to describe older women . Perhaps you need to educate yourself a little , look up the history of that word and how and why it is used almost exclusively to describe any woman who is a little older and doesn’t just shut up and suck up the ‘ social norms ‘
And I don’t believe anyone here has said they know better . They have given solid examples of where the men their very selves have complained and whined or even in many cases returned to the first wife
Like you I am also a first wife but I know enough about the ways in which society attempts to silence older women especially those who have been left and dare to speak out !
Also I’d love you to explain how someone leaving for a younger richer or more muscular model has anything to do with karma . To my thinking it had zero to do with karma and everythinb to do with superficiality of the leaver .... but then perhaps that’s because I don’t believe anyone younger is any ‘ better ‘ than anyone older , or that anyone richer is ‘better ‘ than someone with less money ... but clearly you place a lot of value in those things.
Just like a lot of these men i guess

Rustyplastic · 08/12/2020 10:39

@likeamillpond

The ex starting a new family... Where's the bullshit?

The bullshit as you put it is in the fact that most of these men end up treating their replacement children far better than they ever treated their first children.
It's disgusting and if people want to vent then let them.
Calling them 'Bitter is a cheap shot.
If they offend you so much it's maybe best if you don't read the thread.
And fyi I am also a first wife, happily married and my husband is 15 years older than me.

He started a family later in life (absolutely nothing wrong with that) but he didn't dump another family to do so..

And yes I can speak to that personally This is absolutely something that happens a lot . And THAT IS bullshit
likeamillpond · 08/12/2020 10:39

what IS wisdom is knowing not to use sexist words like bitter to describe older women

Spot on

Dashel · 08/12/2020 10:42

I think older parents are fine if they both want to have kids but a dad who was useless the first time around and then only agreed to more dc with a new partner to keep the new partner happy and not because they want dc is doomed to failure.

My DH is 50 and one of his mates married an energetic 25 year old, not an OW and no previous dc on either side but he only agreed to dc as it was a deal breaker for her. It’s not worked out as he wanted someone to make him feel young and a baby makes him feel older not younger and instead of her hero worshiping him, she is focused on the baby and spending all her time with her DM. Discussions are ongoing about him moving out of his house (paid for in full) and what maintenance she wants.

A lot of the friendship group think she was only ever after his money as he has a well paid job, house and nice car and liked to treat her to nice things. The guy is a bit of an arse but used to relish having a trophy gf 25 years younger than him so they think he had it coming.

HitthatroadJack · 08/12/2020 10:42

@likeamillpond

The ex starting a new family... Where's the bullshit?

The bullshit as you put it is in the fact that most of these men end up treating their replacement children far better than they ever treated their first children.
It's disgusting and if people want to vent then let them.
Calling them 'Bitter is a cheap shot.
If they offend you so much it's maybe best if you don't read the thread.
And fyi I am also a first wife, happily married and my husband is 15 years older than me.

He started a family later in life (absolutely nothing wrong with that) but he didn't dump another family to do so..

No one is questioning the fact that it's disgusting

I am questioning the fact that having a child is a sign of misery!

I am not offended, I just honestly think it's the OP who will end up being hurt and moving on instead of finding flaws that are not there is much healthier.

Again, ex being dumped for his best friend/younger man would be funny . Ex having a baby? I don't see the karma or a sign he's crying himself to sleep at night babies don't let you sleep anyway Grin

HitthatroadJack · 08/12/2020 10:45

Rustyplastic

you don't see why it's karma to be dumped after dumping someone yourself?

The thread started about a man having grown-up children and now a new baby, it's hardly a leap to imagine his new wife as being "younger". Who knows, maybe they adopted, does it even matter.

Rustyplastic · 08/12/2020 10:51

@HitthatroadJack

Rustyplastic

you don't see why it's karma to be dumped after dumping someone yourself?

The thread started about a man having grown-up children and now a new baby, it's hardly a leap to imagine his new wife as being "younger". Who knows, maybe they adopted, does it even matter.

No absolutely not what I read from your post
Rustyplastic · 08/12/2020 10:53

And again I havnt seen anyone saying having a baby in itself is bad karma . I’ve only seen poster talking about those men COMPLAINING they are unhappy about the baby or even turning up back on first wife’s doorstep

tisonlymeagain · 08/12/2020 10:54

What I don't get about this thread is why everyone assumes it's older men leaving for younger women? That's not always the case? That's as cliched as saying that all first wives are bitter.

Rustyplastic · 08/12/2020 10:56

@tisonlymeagain

What I don't get about this thread is why everyone assumes it's older men leaving for younger women? That's not always the case? That's as cliched as saying that all first wives are bitter.
Yes that’s true too . There are many cases of people leaving for others the same age or older because they also think the grass is greener
Hellotheresweet · 08/12/2020 10:57

@tisonlymeagain

What I don't get about this thread is why everyone assumes it's older men leaving for younger women? That's not always the case? That's as cliched as saying that all first wives are bitter.
Or it is an assumption based on many experiences with an implicit understanding that there are exceptions.
Sunshineandflipflops · 08/12/2020 11:05

I can only speak from my POV, which is my then 40 year old husband having an affair with a 27 year old woman.

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/12/2020 11:07

But I would feel the same if she had been the same age. Her being so much younger, or more to the point at such a different stage in life is, I believe the main factor in what then led them to split.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 11:17

I hear what people are saying but the tone of this thread is just plain nasty