So the the grass belonging to the OW wasn't really greener then was it?!

[jemimathecat]

This is light hearted post but I just wanted to hear if there were any stories out there where your partner/spouse went off with the OW and the grass suddenly turned to mud?!!
After being deeply hurt, I now find myself chuckling when I think of the ex (mid 50's) back to changing nappies and sleepless nights and telling his mother that he has no time for himself and cannot BELIEVE how expensive baby formula is!!
Most of his friends are driving sports cars and have grown up kids (like we also do) yet the only thing he's driving is a new double buggy ! LOL!

I adore my children and I loved it when they were babies but the thought of doing all that again in my late 40s/50s gives me the chills. I'm knackered now, with a teenager and student/young adult kids who still need more help and support that I had anticipated them needing at this age.
It would be impossible to properly parent my existing DC and a new family, so lots of these men going off and having new families are likely doing so at the expense of the kids they already have. There's only do much time and attention a person has and if they are still working ft, someone is missing out.
I don't see the point really in leaving a happy relationship for the excitement of the new and then doing exactly what you did before and getting stuck in the drudgery of child rearing. We all love our kids and yes, there are times when it is a sheer joy but bring honest, day to day child care is hard and boring. It's nice to get to the end of that at some point and enjoy the next stage.

Not sure it is a sexist. I have head it from some men. My DH has a male friend (late 50s) who did the cheating on old wife and now with younger wife and kids in nappies. Male friend said clearly he was unhappy and the kids are new wife's impetus.

I don't dispute they are some fantastic older parents who want, love and care beautifully for their little ones.

The men who cheated on their current wife to redo their life with OW did not do so because old wife did not want more kids and they were so terribly broody that they had to go elsewhere.

If this was the case, or whatever the reason tbh, they could divorce first, then go and find a new partner.

My Ex left me for the OW who is the same age as me, no kids. I gather they are trying for a baby even though he was absolutely useless when our dd was small (he was always out with the OW!) so while the grass may have been greener for a while, it looks as though he’s swapped one muddy field for another.

God I agree MrsHunt my girls were relatively easy gorgeous babies and toddlers but it would kill me to start all that all over again. I would rather be on my own. If dh left me and started a new family obviously would be upset but also would think that he was quite mad. Can’t see it though he is just as relieved to be through the soft play years as I am and we are plotting so he can give up his demanding job early and join my business for an easier life!

And also that parenting continues. Have 12 and 14 year old both worrying us this week for various reasons so would be all that again too! But I think the same of people who have 3 plus kids I am definitely missing the parenting stamina gene.

Ever thought that maybe it wasn't the fact that these men didn't want the drudgery of family life? Maybe they were quite happy with their kids but maybe they weren't happy with their wives? It's not all that straightforward.

Sure. There may be some guys in their 40s and 50s who’ve been through the stress and strains of parenthood with the accompanying financial and relationship pressures before and decide they loved it so much that they really really want to do it all again and spend the next 20 years on a do-over. Doubt they’ll be many that actively want to do it though.

Much more likely they’re trying to keep partner 2 sweet as her biological clock goes into overdrive and the men realise that the fun freedom of their new start evaporates. They’ll haul themselves round play parks and endure sleepless nights again when most other people their age are starting to regain their freedom. Why would anyone be jealous of these men or bitter? I think it’s amusing to watch them

@tisonlymeagain

Ever thought that maybe it wasn't the fact that these men didn't want the drudgery of family life? Maybe they were quite happy with their kids but maybe they weren't happy with their wives? It's not all that straightforward.

That would far too balanced a view

(I agree with you)

Parenting goes on much longer than that - they don't tend to leave home at 18 these days and the pandemic has brought many older children back to the family nest. I would be horrified to start again with a baby - my menopause is tough and thank goodness I'm not going through that with a young child. If DH was mad enough to fuck off and start another family, not only would he be insane, it would also be appalling for his existing young adult children, with whom he has always been a hands on great dad.

Second families at the expense of the first expose these men for the silly, selfish shits they are. Why aren't we allowed to say that - is the patriarchy so strong with some women they get antsy when we call out male entitlement?

That would far too balanced a view

(I agree with you)

I agree too, many do but you are very brave to write it on here!

You can look at examples around you to see that of course it's true.

HeadNorth

You are allowed to say anything you want, but it doesn't change the fact that eve some women in their mid to late 40s are trying really hard to get pregnant and want nothing more than a baby. Some are even older than that.

You can scream against the patriarchy, it's completely irrelevant.

it would also be appalling for his existing young adult children, with whom he has always been a hands on great dad.
why? because they would be jealous? What would they lose out if their dad (or their mum frankly) decided to have a child?

Pretending that having a child is the worst thing that happens to you is a very narrow view.

Pretending that having a child is the worst thing that happens to you is a very narrow view.

Pretending it is always a great thing is even narrower.

Men who were selfish first time around are shits and when they do it again they are even shittier. It is the great, genuinely hands on dads that are unlikely to do this - because they know how much work and what a life long commitment children are. The ones that can waltz out of their children's lives were probably pretty useless to begin with.

Interesting that apparently a light hearted thread laughing at cheating ex husbands who have complained about their current life being shit. Is apparently interpreted by some to be terribly happy and hated his long term partner which is why he’s so deliriously happy (even tho he’s complaining about how miserable he is) and couldn’t have been with his first wife because she was terrible to live with. But it took decades for the terribly miserable dickhead to leave.

I have to admit I had to think it through very clearly before trying for DC with my DH (he’s younger, gorgeous and richer than ex so who’s bitter in this scenario). Doing the nappies and terrible twos just when my older DC were independent and doing their thing is not a walk in the park. DH is an amazing dad but it’s his first DC and he’s besotted having never done sleepless nights and shitty nappies (and cot and walls when delightful youngest DC strips naked after pooping in nappy at night time), so he’s charmed by it. I hand him the shit covered child and climb back into bed. It wasn’t cute when my eldest did it and less so now.
I don’t love my DC any less, I certainly wouldn’t be having any more tho. My stamina for tiny babies is done (probably why I find threads on here about MILs wanting babies overnight alone a horrifying prospect, why?).

I’m a ‘bitter’ first wife. Ex was horrific in every way and I divorced him. Haven’t got a clue how he’s doing except for when he tells me himself (despite my trying to avoid him like several plagues). He told my poor DC when he’d had a DC with OW. My then ten year old asked why he’d had more DC if he was such a bad father to them. My younger DC eight at the time sighed and said well I hope he’s a nice daddy to the baby. It’s not nice having a scary daddy who makes you sad.

Couldn’t add to that really.

Yup, my dad. Unfortunately my mum let him come back and 6 years later he became abusive, she was driven out of her own home and now lives in a council house (a nice one, in a lovely area thankfully)

@SchadenfreudePersonified

ahhh ‘bitterness ‘ that overused word men and younger women like to throw at more mature women who actually know better and have the guts to speak the truth

Absolutely!

And FWIW, if I had been a betrayed wife, although I wouldn't want a blow by blow account of how/where my ex was living, if I found out that his new woman was making his life a misery, I would have a little smile to myself and then just get back to my life.

I wouldn't be bitter, but I don't think I could resist a bit of "serves you right" - especially if I had children who had been devastated by his behaviour.

Agree with all of this.

The posts pointing out 'bitterness' make me laugh. These people clearly have not been through a betrayal like this. I agree..possibly they are OWs themselves or have been at some point.

For many of us who were betrayed and cheated on, it really is a grieving process. It takes years to get over that betrayal and I defy anyone who thinks you can just click your fingers and 'get over it'. Eventually we do 'get over it' but the vestiges of that traumatic time are still there in the background. In the first year of my split, I had flashbacks to what happened and it was awful. Every day it would enter my head, despite trying to not think about it. A few years on and my ex barely registers in my mind. I've moved on and have a fabulous OH. However, I still reserve the right to feel happy at the fact the grass was not greener for my ex, as do the others on this thread.

So for those extolling the cheaters on this thread and coming to the conclusion (despite not knowing anything about each individual situation) that they are happy...please do sod off and let those of us revel in the fact our exes are definitely in fields of mud, not green grass.

@tisonlymeagain of course, but the thread is specifically about Hs who cheated/lied with OW, not about Hs who realised that they were in an unhappy relationship, told their partner and built a new life.

It is like going on a thread about cats complaining that come on dogs are great. Well yes, but the thread is talking about cats.

[quote cardswapping]@tisonlymeagain of course, but the thread is specifically about Hs who cheated/lied with OW, not about Hs who realised that they were in an unhappy relationship, told their partner and built a new life.[/quote]
Exactly this.

[quote cardswapping]@tisonlymeagain of course, but the thread is specifically about Hs who cheated/lied with OW, not about Hs who realised that they were in an unhappy relationship, told their partner and built a new life.[/quote]
@cardswapping Oh I totally get that, but numerous posters have made reference to being all joyous that the ex will be having an awful time now with the OW because they've got a baby when that might not be the case at all? Because the reason they left their relationship (in the right way or wrong way) wasn't that they didn't enjoy having children - but many posters seem to think that is the case.

@tisonlymeagain

Oh I totally get that, but numerous posters have made reference to being all joyous that the ex will be having an awful time now with the OW because they've got a baby when that might not be the case at all? Because the reason they left their relationship (in the right way or wrong way) wasn't that they didn't enjoy having children - but many posters seem to think that is the case.

I think some of the posters who have advised their ex will be having a miserable time will know for sure having heard snippets from mutual friends etc? I mean, the MN Police aren't there overseeing each individual case to ascertain that the man escaped from drudgery to a younger OW who is the (Stepford) wife he wanted in the first place.

Others might be presuming their ex is having a miserable time and so what if they are?

@tisonlymeagain yes, there is place for that nuance. Some may be very happy indeed. And I pray they don't forget to parent the babies born from their previous union(s).

Those who cheated and lied fall into categories as well.

Those who felt bad but did it anyhow.

Those who justified it and did it.

Those who enjoyed the lying and did it.

And then that really unsavoury breed. Those who got off on the pain and turmoil they caused, to children's lives too, and did their best to completely crush their 'rival' to dust.

But hey. Look. I'm still here! Perhaps a bit crumpled. But not crushed. 💪🏻

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

And to answer the question ...

... whatever they do, however long they live, however much happiness they arrange for themselves ... they'll still be horrible. And it won't go unnoticed.

There are two camps. Good and bad.

@ForeverRedSkinhead

I had a different situation , but I feel it's fitting.

My exh paid probably about £400 cs over 10 years for my two , he was always self employed and slippery af whilst spending like crazy on frivolous things to impress the children. I could never match the amount he spent on them for birthdays etc. I struggled in a 30hr week job as that's all I could do with the lack of support around me.

One day my dc told me that their dad has a new baby and that his gf left him and sees the little boy eow. I got a phone call from exh moaning about single parenthood , he gets little to no cs, hardly any time to himself and it's so so hard...he's had to cut his work hours and woe is him.

I didn't know how to react to his thinking I'd be sympathetic towards him. The little boy has my sympathy , but exh? No. Just no.

I feel bad having a favourite na na na na na story but this it it !!